To not pursue a man because I like him too much?

[Dingalingliscious]

This probably sounds strange but I'm really struggling with it. I deeply, deeply adore a particular man. We have known each other for a year and are in very regular contact. I'm 80% sure he likes me back but I'm not certain. He's definitely single.

We cannot currently be together because there is a power imbalance in the nature of our relationship which would make this ethically wrong. This will not always be the case, likely only for a few more months.

My dilemma is that my feelings for him are so strong that I'm worried that if he rejects me or later down the line breaks up with me, it will absolutely destroy me.

I was really badly hurt in my last encounter with a man and it caused me intense pain and grief. I can't go through that again.

I'm thinking that I should probably try to pursue men who I'm not that madly into, and just let a relationship slowly evolve without too much passion or feeling on my side.

I deeply care about this man and the thought of him with another woman makes me feel like I've been stabbed. AIBU to be too afraid to go for it, even when I can?

If he is your doctor, or treating you in any medical capacity, then your feelings are most likely not reciprocated, and if they are and he is not concealing that, then he's not a good guy. It is common for people to develop obsessive feelings about doctors/psychotherapists etc. I suspect the power imbalance is probably part of what makes him seem so attractive to you. It's not a healthy state of affairs.

Commanding Officer? Or Boss. Or is he married?

I find the phrase 'in nature' a bit odd.

Your feelings sound quite intense but I'm wondering whether the fact that you can't currently pursue a relationship is adding to the intensity (alongside the suggestion others have made that the inequality is adding to the allure). You can't really know till the situation changes but I'd recommend you hold back a bit and protect yourself. You sound quite vulnerable OP and the inequality in power could continue in a relationship outside of your current set up. Equality in relationships does matter.

MLM upline? haha

@LonelyFromCorona

MLM upline? haha

Oh, if that's what it is, I take back everything I said. Eat the aloe vera, use the carcinogenic mascara, drink tons of the laxative fruit juice. MLM makes you rich, healthy and beautiful, kiddies!

Is he your prison officer??
You know, I doubt it’s such a unique scenario that we will instantly identify you.
Just spit it out!

• So you're both single and he's your 'boss' but in a few months that wont matter any more (?)

• You're in touch regularly outside 'work' related topics and you think he fancies you back.

• You don't know for sure if he knows you like him.

Right so far?

If so i would tell him how you feel and ask if you're barking up the right tree, so to speak.

You can suggest pursuing this once a few months have gone by and he's not your 'boss' anymore. Keep it friendly till then and then you can explore.

If he baulks at any of this you know he's not that into you.

Or am i making this too simple??

I may be jumping to conclusions here, but I suggest you read up on insecure-preoccupied attachment and codependency.

If you’ve got that it’s imperative you resolve it before any relationship. Take it from one who learned the hard way

Social worker?

The way you talk about him - and relationships in general - is pretty extreme and suggests you need to do some work on yourself before getting into a new relationship with him or anyone else. The talk of grief and not being able to handle another break-up (rather than feeling strong because you came through the last one), the feeling like being stabbed(!), the idea you have to go out with guys you don't even like... it's all got a bit twisted in your head and needs working through until you're in a much better place. While you're thinking like this, it's likely that your feelings for this guy are more to do with your own issues/projections than who he really is. And that's even before the fact that it sound tricky from a professional (or whatever this ethical situation is) standpoint.

So don't pursue him, but don't get sidetracked down this 'because I like him too much' road. It's because you're not ready, so let him go and focus on you for now.

I've absolutely no idea why you won't just say what the actual relationship is. He's obviously not actually your boss or you'd just say he was your boss instead of all of these half explanations.
The actual relationship between you both is key to peoples advice so this thread is pointless.

In any case I agree with others that you seem to have an extreme reaction to your emotions around him. Which makes me suspicious as to the actual relationship between you both and whether you're in a vulnerable position.

In all honesty this sounds like limerence rather than anything deeper.

I've been married to DH more than a decade but wouldn't describe the thought of him being with another woman like being stabbed. It would hurt, for sure, but I would cope because I'm pragmatic and wouldn't die without him. It's very extreme to describe a relationship that hasn't yet begun in this way.

OP you must know this is really unhealthy? Adoration is such an overwhelming feeling - but it's all in your head. You don't actually have a perfect, passionate relationship with this man - in fact you have no romantic relationship at all. And feelings need to be built on knowing someone.

I know it's poor form - but I'm guessing he's your pupil master ...

You never know unless you try.
If we stopped doing everything with a fear of rejection we wouldn't get anywhere.