To not pursue a man because I like him too much?

[Dingalingliscious]

This probably sounds strange but I'm really struggling with it. I deeply, deeply adore a particular man. We have known each other for a year and are in very regular contact. I'm 80% sure he likes me back but I'm not certain. He's definitely single.

We cannot currently be together because there is a power imbalance in the nature of our relationship which would make this ethically wrong. This will not always be the case, likely only for a few more months.

My dilemma is that my feelings for him are so strong that I'm worried that if he rejects me or later down the line breaks up with me, it will absolutely destroy me.

I was really badly hurt in my last encounter with a man and it caused me intense pain and grief. I can't go through that again.

I'm thinking that I should probably try to pursue men who I'm not that madly into, and just let a relationship slowly evolve without too much passion or feeling on my side.

I deeply care about this man and the thought of him with another woman makes me feel like I've been stabbed. AIBU to be too afraid to go for it, even when I can?

@DueNumberTwo

For proper advice you actually need to tell us what the relationship is.

Senior to you in a large organisation but not direct line manager = not much of a problem.

Your therapist / counsellor / psychiatrist = huge problem

Your mentor and your vulnerable in any way = huge problem

Your uni / college lecturer = problem until after your course has finished.

Answered above that the relationship is closest to boss - subordinate in nature.

Answered above that the relationship is closest to boss - subordinate in nature

Closest to doesn't mean that's what it is though. I really doubt it will be outing to say what the relationship actually is

I think that you should just enjoy the idea of him... you say you deeply, deeply adore someone who you only know in a professional capacity. You are terrified of rejection from him. But your adoration will be largely built on your own imagination of what this man is like and how the relationship could be. You may be setting yourself up for a major disappointment.

Another one voting for avoid. The fact that you have asked here suggests that you recognise the danger of getting very hurt here. And you have just been through that once.

However, I don't think you will avoid, if you get the chance to move forward with this, so my second advice is to get some counselling now. Learn what you value about yourself, who you are and work on developing a network of good friends around you and don't invest every ounce of your fibre into one person. Instead enjoy a rich and varied social group, with a special person in it, or not. If you do have the chance of a relationship with this person or someone else, you can then meet them on an equal footing, and know what you are bringing to the relationship, as well as appreciating them.

The power imbalance in this relationship isn't just in your status at the moment. It's also in the strength of your feelings for him before you know how he feels about you, and that is setting you up for problems in the future. Get stronger. Be happy. And then share that happiness withs someone who won't trample on it, but who will cherish it, and you.

Im not really sure I could narrow down somebody out of 7 Billion people because I found out they fancied their counsellor or whoever.

Why not try to move your relationship on to the next level? Tell him of your attraction to him. If he recoils in horror, you have your answer and you can move on with your life.

Hes not your doctor or something

If it’s a professional friendship/relationship tread careful if it could affect either of your jobs. If that risk passes in several months then you have nothing to lose by talking to him about your feelings. The worst that can happen is that he doesn’t feel the same. Don’t hold it in out of fear of being hurt though, years later you might look back and wish you tried or you could work out long term. Good luck

If he’s in a position of authority he will seem attractive as we’re conditioned to think power is a good thing to find in a man.

You’re also basing your assumption of what he’s like on that professional persona. It won’t be the full rounded version of this man. You’re also likely doing a lot of confirmation bias only seeing what you want to see and ignoring anything contradictory.

I think you need space away from him to see whether this is some obsessive limerance or actually if the professional relationships wasn’t there you’d pursue it.

Are you the person who keeps posting about her obsession with her therapist, only she always starts by concealing the fact he's her therapist and giving the impression both she and the object of her 'affections' work together in some therapeutic capacity?

Not that it matters. Avoid, obviously.

It's interesting to think about whether I'd be interested in him if he wasn't in a position of power. If I saw him in a bar for the first time, I probably wouldn't think much of him. But it's since getting to know him that I've found I'm very drawn to his personality and how gentleman like he is.

He's not my therapist. For all intents and purposes, the rules and regulations etc. around our relationship are the same as if he were my boss.

@ShinyMe

Hm, well my apologies if it isn't the same person, but the details are strikingly similar.

In any case, avoid avoid avoid. None of this sounds healthy or any good for anyone involved.

@ShinyMe

I also immediately thought of other threads, if it is somebody different then they have a very similar writing style and are in a very similar situation to another poster.

@Dingalingliscious

It's interesting to think about whether I'd be interested in him if he wasn't in a position of power. If I saw him in a bar for the first time, I probably wouldn't think much of him. But it's since getting to know him that I've found I'm very drawn to his personality and how gentleman like he is.

He's not my therapist. For all intents and purposes, the rules and regulations etc. around our relationship are the same as if he were my boss.

Well, then, wait a few months, and when he's no longer in a position of power over you, you'll probably revert back to realising he wouldn't strike you as remotely attractive if you had met him without the trappings, and the shine will be gone. And either you won't want a relationship with him at all in your new, egalitarian circumstances, or you'll at least calm down about it all and stop imagining how rejection would destroy you, or being 'stabbed' by the thought of him with another woman?

You’ve said it would be unethical for you to be together now. This really does make it sound like some sort of medical practitioner-patient relationship.

Is he a professional services client?
Personally I think if your feelings are that strong you should explore it otherwise your life will be on hold!
Do you have an ethics counsellor or similar at work you can talk about it with?
Fwiw I met DP in a similar situation and it hasn't caused me issues at work, we just don't work on the same projects now. The thought of telling my company about the relationship was worse than the reality. Apparently it happens a lot.

I spent a long time professionally in a situation where the people I saw by nature there was a power imbalance. Most of the time , if not all , that power imbalance falsely amplifies feelings. I am acutely aware of a friend where this happened, they got together and it ended badly , they had followed the rules to the letter and did not break ethics but the reality was that move to a relationship became unhealthy.

It doesn't matter how well you think you know someone in these scenarios you absolutely don't. I have had a few people absolutely believe they knew me incredibly well as their boss. They didnt, there were huge parts of me that no matter how friendly I was , just didn't come into thevqorkplacr or relationship. I wasn't who they thought I was and it caused some disappointment, those who felt I had become their friend , even when I was crystal clear about boundaries, were dissappointed that the relationship wasn't what they thought. I was scrupulous about boundaries but it happens.

I would absolutely take some time away after the few months , if after a significant period of time you feel the attraction still then you could be one of the extremely rare exceptions. Its impossible to know before you have taken the time away , your current paradigm is simply giving you amplified feedback of the same thing.

Seriously step away for a decent period of time because currently this is extremely unhealthy.

It sounds like you are not ready for a relationship.

Caring too much is a strange thing to say and sounds like it is based on the idea of him because you haven't actually been in a relationship with him. Also feelings are probably intensified because you feel you can't be together.

Do what is right for you but note what PP says about how you might feel if he meets someone else

Is this one of those discussions where you randomly drop in the fact he’s gay at some point?

Agree to most of the Wise Women's thoughts above. The main thing I'd add is this: "What are your boundaries?" ##

Just take a step back and think, what do you really want from a relationship? Like, practical/day-to-day/long-term goals stuff. Too many women (yes, men sometimes, but whatevs) just paste their own needs/desires onto whomever they fancy. Just think logically for a bit - not forever, just for now. :)

Definitely don't pursue men you don't much like, what's the point in that?

I might get flamed for this, and perhaps rightly so, but I don't think women should, generally, pursue men. This is nothing to do with being a passive virginal princess waiting for a man to come get you, but just because in my experience, men rarely turn down the chance of a sexual relationship even if they're ambivalent about the woman. If the woman has to do the running, she often seems to end up with a man who doesn't much care about her and takes her for granted. I do think men will make an effort for a woman they genuinely want, so without wishing to play head games, I think you should let them be the ones to show they think you're worth the effort. You can always find subtle, flirtatious ways to let them know you're interested without actually making the running.

I know there'll be exceptions to this and I'm certainly not saying all love bombers or pursuers are keepers. I'm just saying that from what I see, men are more likely than women to enter relationships half-arsed if it's made easy for them.

I know this could be a bit contentious, so I'm keen to see what people think, but this is honestly how it looks to me.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Definitely don't pursue men you don't much like, what's the point in that?

I might get flamed for this, and perhaps rightly so, but I don't think women should, generally, pursue men. This is nothing to do with being a passive virginal princess waiting for a man to come get you, but just because in my experience, men rarely turn down the chance of a sexual relationship even if they're ambivalent about the woman. If the woman has to do the running, she often seems to end up with a man who doesn't much care about her and takes her for granted. I do think men will make an effort for a woman they genuinely want, so without wishing to play head games, I think you should let them be the ones to show they think you're worth the effort. You can always find subtle, flirtatious ways to let them know you're interested without actually making the running.

I know there'll be exceptions to this and I'm certainly not saying all love bombers or pursuers are keepers. I'm just saying that from what I see, men are more likely than women to enter relationships half-arsed if it's made easy for them.

I know this could be a bit contentious, so I'm keen to see what people think, but this is honestly how it looks to me.

I agree.

really gently, this seems very overdramatic- he is just a man, but the rhetoric around your emotional attachments seems so over the top and unstable

'ethically wrong' 'it will destroy me' 'intense pain and grief' and 'can't go through that again'

This is all even before you have been for one drink- I think you need to normalise men and their importance in your life, and definitely normalise this one- stay away, you aren't seeing him clearly

I wouldn’t pursue him for a number of reasons, most of which have already been mentioned here
1 let him pursue you so you are sure that he is interested in you
2 it sounds more like limerance than something real with depth
3 the imbalance of power
4 the way you talk about him is not the foundations of a healthy relationship. You need to work out what a healthy relationship looks like before pursuing anyone

Ok so I am only going to take this post on its own merits and if there is a back story or other posts that give more information than they aren't being included.

I am amazed by those saying avoid or the really sad post that woman shouldn't pursue.
I would say that if you are not currently in a position to be a couple than you will need to hold fire, maybe extend your social circle and see what else is out there, but once you are able to be a couple, and assuming you still feel the same way, than you should go for it.
I am sorry but these things will make you vulnerable and the pain of rejection is difficult ( should it happen) , but I think the alternative will be worse. Even if it not the news you hoped for, at least you will know and be able to move on.
It reminds me of the saying by John Whittier , which will always hold true...

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, “It might have been.”