Page 3 | DM told everyone I'm pregnant

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2020 02:43

Wow - it's almost as if your "lovely" mother just rang all those people so they could abuse you for her. I cannot see for the life of me why she would feel the need to tell them all that.

Also, slightly weird set up that your DH's ex is now married to one of your abusive step brothers - that can't be comfortable! But at least you don't usually have anything to do with them.

Yes, go NC with your mother - she doesn't deserve to have any contact with you.

FelicityBob · 05/10/2020 02:54

In response to other posters, I don’t think it’s really that unusual that other people know about someone having a vasectomy, It’s something that’s freely discussed among people I know

PopsicleHustler · 05/10/2020 05:36

I wouldn't tell people my husband had a vasectomy in the first jolly place. That's private for a start and number 2, yes I would be annoyed as its upto you and your dh how and when you tell people. I'd be annoyed if my friend or relative told everyone especially when its early stages and it's your baby. My grandmother told my mother whom I have had no contact with for almost 3 years due to non stop verbal abuse for over a decade. I was annoyed my nanny did, but shes clocking mid 80s so I couldn't be cross with her. Just wish she wouldnt tell my mum what's going on in my life when she doesnt even call me to see at least if the baby is ok, I was pregnant when we last spoke and that baby is now 2 and a half. It is what it is unfortunately.

I also wouldnt appreciate the phone calls from her ex abusive husband, whom I presume is your stepfather. Who the hell is he to be unpleasant.....
I would just say to your mum, it is my choice to tell people we are expecting. Unbelievable that people accuse people if cheating. I remember watching a show where a lady was heartbroken that her husband thought she was cheating because he had a vasectomy and they went on to have a baby. He was adamant it wasnt his and was calling her alsorts of things. Any who they did the dna test, and it was in fact his child.
Why on earth would your relatives accuse you of cheating. Bloody horrendous. When I told a few people here and there that I am expecting my 5th, I get a mixed response. Told I am mad and so on. Actually i am happy and so is my husband. We both work hard and want a big family so no i am not crazy.
It's your choice too, to tell people your man had a vasectomy but I feel it very private. But then again it's your choice. I would tell all those relatives to bog off and mind their own business and you just enjoy your pregnancy.

Congratulations and wish you all the best

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/10/2020 05:44

It's possible that none of them knew about the vasectomy other than the OP's DH's exW - but once she heard the OP was pregnant, she assumed that it couldn't possibly be the DH because SHE knew he'd had one, and then she told her husband who told his brothers and father too.

lockeddownandcrazy · 05/10/2020 05:58

Cut her off - you dont need this toxicity and neither does your child

chatterbugmegastar · 05/10/2020 06:02

Why would I need to specify she shouldn't tell them? Not only that, it wasn't her news to tell! What if I have a miscarriage? It's still very early days.

I'm assuming she has form for being indiscreet?

If so , you were unreasonable to tell her at all , especially without specifying total secrecy

However if she has always been the epitome of discretion all her life and this is her first mistake, cut her some slack

MollieMaeve · 05/10/2020 06:58

The number of posters who haven’t read the thread and keep commenting on the vasectomy is astounding.

HE HAD A VASECTOMY WHEN WITH HIS EX AND HIS EX TOLD PEOPLE. THAT IS HOW PEOPLE KNOW.

That should clear things up.

speakout · 05/10/2020 07:01

How on earth dd people know your OH had a vasectomy?

I would never dream of sharing that with anyone.

speakout · 05/10/2020 07:04

*HE HAD A VASECTOMY WHEN WITH HIS EX AND HIS EX TOLD PEOPLE. THAT IS HOW PEOPLE KNOW.
*

How was the ex in a position to tell members of the OPs extended family?

Kittykat93 · 05/10/2020 07:04

Ffs

ILoveYou3000 · 05/10/2020 07:26

How was the ex in a position to tell members of the OPs extended family?

Already explained by the OP. Perhaps try reading their posts in future.

The ex works with the stepbrother's wife.

Doingitaloneandproud · 05/10/2020 07:34

YANBU to go NC with her, it's your news to tell, Jesus she could have kept her mouth shut. Just because you told her didn't give her a right to tell anyone else

LG101 · 05/10/2020 08:01

Regardless of any situation, any back story it’s rude to tell other people your news as it’s exactly that your news.

WhoseThatGirl · 05/10/2020 08:09

Telling a couple of family members when you haven’t asked her to keep it to herself is annoying but probably expected. However, giving people you are NC with your contact details then being cross at your reaction has emotionally abusive written all over it. You are going to be a Mum soon IMO you need to break the cycle. If you are able to be emotionally strong enough to put down boundaries and go low contact or if you can’t assert yourself go NC.

Original poster

PurpleEllie · 05/10/2020 09:01

Thank you to those who have said lovely things and who understand how hard it is to grow up with an emotionally abusive mother. DH says I have to give up on her, she'll never be the mother I need or deserve. I know he's right, but it's still hard. And it's even harder right now with pregnancy hormones, which is why I posted here, to see if I was being hormonal and unreasonable, or if I have a right to be upset.

To those who haven't read the full thread - please do before commenting.

OP posts:

FourPlasticRings · 05/10/2020 09:15

You have a right to be upset and are not being unreasonable. Unfortunately, when you post on AIBU you will come across a contingent of posters (often some of the earliest responders) who are determined to say you are unreasonable and will pull out all the stops to do so, regardless of the situation they're commenting on.

You'd be perfectly within your rights to go NC with her, or cut back to very little contact, but I appreciate that it's difficult to do so. It's normal to want a relationship with your mother even when she is abusive. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

FourPlasticRings · 05/10/2020 09:17

@Mariola321

Sorry not meaning be rude, but should be happy about baby not moan about mother now.

Don't presume to tell people how they should feel, Mariola. It's perfectly possible to feel more than one emotion at a time, you know. She can be simultaneously pleased to be pregnant and furious at her mother.

Heartofglass12345 · 05/10/2020 09:23

You say your stepdad was abusive growing up, was it to you? And she's still married to him? That's a bit shit and I'm surprised you're still in contact with her. Saying that I can understand, as you only have one mother. My mum clearly chose my stepdad who regularly beat her up over us when we were younger and she's still with him now.
If you can handle it I would go no contact, it'll probably be hard but best for you in the long run. Congratulations on the baby
I was going to say I had a miscarriage at around 9 weeks and people knew I was pregnant, and even though it was hard telling people it was nice to have their support as well, but these people don't sound like they would support you

Pizzaistheanswer · 05/10/2020 09:39

You have had some weird responses.

You wouldn't be at all unreasonable from what you've said to go NC with your mother. It sounds like it would be good for you.

Congratulations

TheSoapyFrog · 05/10/2020 09:49

YANBU to go NC and I think your DH is right, you're never going to get the sort of relationship you want from her.
Most people don't need to be told to keep details of someone's very early pregnancy to themselves. It's not their news to share. I think she was deliberately making trouble for you. I wouldn't want someone like that around my child either.

RayCarling · 05/10/2020 09:49

I think I'd go with what your husband wants, she has seriously crossed that line
Congratulations by the way, try and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Yesmate · 05/10/2020 09:53

Why would your mother tell people you are no contact with. That’s horrible and weird. I’m sorry your mother has ruined this special and exciting time for you.

forrestgreen · 05/10/2020 10:04

As others have said nc might start ww3. How about vlow contact. With grey rock thrown in for good measure. Ring up to see how she is, when she asked how you've been "I'm fine", how's baby "fine" what've been up to "nothing much"
Then she's got no gossip to pass on

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 05/10/2020 10:22

I think that, unless you asked your mum to keep it confidential, I wouldn't expect her to keep such exciting news private.

Also, if it is common knowledge that your husband had a vasectomy, in the same conversation as telling my mum about the pregnancy, I would have told her I am so pleased I'd fallen pregnant so quickly after the reversal. That would have solved all the gossip as she'd possibly have volunteered that info too.

I wouldn't cut her off. I'd give her a good telling off about it and especially about giving out my phone number. I would then start afresh and give her a chance to be a grandmother but tell her she must adhere to your boundaries in future.

Mumoftwo1994 · 05/10/2020 10:22

@PurpleEllie

I made the mistake of telling my "D"M I'm pregnant. Its very early stages. She then told everyone in my extended family, even those who I have no contact with, and I've been inundated with phone calls all weekend. Some of them have been nice, but most have been unpleasant, as we didn't tell people DH had a vasectomy reversal, and now people are gossiping I must have cheated. She even rang her abusive ex husband and told him, and even worse gave him my number so he could ring and congratulate me, so I had a horrible phone call from him. She's really upset that I'm mad and says I'm robbing her of her right to being a grandmother. She had 7 other grand kids ffs, she never even told me about them until after they were born. AIBU for being absolutely furious with her and wanting to go NC?

She's in the wrong here and I wouldn't blame you for going NC but it depends on if you long term don't want to talk to her. Block all the vile people so they can't call you again.