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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM told everyone I'm pregnant

80 replies

PurpleEllie · 04/10/2020 22:05

I made the mistake of telling my "D"M I'm pregnant. Its very early stages. She then told everyone in my extended family, even those who I have no contact with, and I've been inundated with phone calls all weekend. Some of them have been nice, but most have been unpleasant, as we didn't tell people DH had a vasectomy reversal, and now people are gossiping I must have cheated. She even rang her abusive ex husband and told him, and even worse gave him my number so he could ring and congratulate me, so I had a horrible phone call from him. She's really upset that I'm mad and says I'm robbing her of her right to being a grandmother. She had 7 other grand kids ffs, she never even told me about them until after they were born. AIBU for being absolutely furious with her and wanting to go NC?

OP posts:
TrickorTreacle · 04/10/2020 22:38

Consent is an issue here because your ex is now involved and that was a boundary that wasn't meant to be crossed. You didn't consent to most of these phone calls. Block all numbers involved (except perhaps for the nicer callers) and don't even think about adding them on social media. Get rid if you have.

nimbuscloud · 04/10/2020 22:45

I’d block all the nasty people
Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes well for you and your dh Flowers

TatianaBis · 04/10/2020 22:48

Good lord pack the whole lot of them in.

At the very least if you ditch your mum for a while she might come to see the error of her ways. Or she might not.

PanamaPattie · 04/10/2020 22:53

NC. It's the best way forward.

jessstan1 · 04/10/2020 23:02

@PurpleEllie

Am I being unreasonable to cut her off once and for all? DH has had enough and says he's not having anymore to do with her. Every time I try to erect a boundry, she just stamps over it, then starts guilt tripping me for being a horrible person.
You didn't erect much of a boundary if you told her you were pregnant.

Your mother shouldn't have told anyone but, honestly, she was probably just excited and that is surely forgivable.

What I don't 'get' is the extended family knowing about your husband's vasectomy - surely that is private - and saying nasty things to you. Why?

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw, I hope all goes well. You are very fortunate that husband could have a vasectomy reversal, not everyone can, so rejoice. Your little one will have a lovely family to be born into - maybe.

Heyahun · 04/10/2020 23:05

Just stop answering the calls! Annoying she did this - but you’ve learned your lesson now not to share secrets with her in future.
I wouldn’t dwell to much on this - any of the people you don’t want to contact you again - just block!

Move on and enjoy your pregnancy - congrats x

Pantsomime · 04/10/2020 23:14

Ok so break it down- everyone knows 9 about moths earlier than they would have realised DH had vasectomy reversed/you had affair- do they’ll think what they like Anyway but just sooner - so let it go,
Either block unwanteds of change your phone number
Congratulations on your pregnancy

BlankTimes · 04/10/2020 23:16

Am I being unreasonable to cut her off once and for all?

That's for you to decide.

In the meantime, you have learned a huge lesson here.
Never ever again tell her anything that you want to be kept confidential.

Iknowthingsthatwillhappen · 04/10/2020 23:25

Never overshare!!!!

shesgonebatshitagain · 04/10/2020 23:30

@PurpleEllie

Am I being unreasonable to cut her off once and for all? DH has had enough and says he's not having anymore to do with her. Every time I try to erect a boundry, she just stamps over it, then starts guilt tripping me for being a horrible person.
Well the fact she has form should have stopped you from telling her, mother or not.

Try to take care of yourself and your unborn baby now, be happy and stay away from this toxic weird bunch of people. That’s the best thing you can do. No recriminations or anything as people like that thrive on it.

Leave them to it

lborgia · 04/10/2020 23:30

I’m so sorry, others just don’t understand.

When you’ve grown up with this kind of mother, you spend your whole life trying to make things normal. It’s normal to want to confide in your mum, but as you’ve seen, you will be crushed time, and time again.

My advice would be to go LC. Get yourself a script of a few subjects you can discuss without getting caught out, and ending up telling her anything remotely personal.

Generally, with people like this, if you try and go NC, you will get back hell and then some. This is not the time for dealing with that.

Keep it brief, keep it impersonal, keep it consistent.

I’m not going to give all the gory details to prove I know my subject, but seriously, I know my subject.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and congratulations on having a DH who sees the problem, and wants to stay away from it.

Viviennemary · 04/10/2020 23:40

Its done now. You can't untell them. . If you think that she deliberately set out to cause trouble go no contact but if you think she just can't keep a secret then move on and be more careful what you say in future.

shesgonebatshitagain · 04/10/2020 23:41

@lborgia

I’m so sorry, others just don’t understand.

When you’ve grown up with this kind of mother, you spend your whole life trying to make things normal. It’s normal to want to confide in your mum, but as you’ve seen, you will be crushed time, and time again.

My advice would be to go LC. Get yourself a script of a few subjects you can discuss without getting caught out, and ending up telling her anything remotely personal.

Generally, with people like this, if you try and go NC, you will get back hell and then some. This is not the time for dealing with that.

Keep it brief, keep it impersonal, keep it consistent.

I’m not going to give all the gory details to prove I know my subject, but seriously, I know my subject.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and congratulations on having a DH who sees the problem, and wants to stay away from it.

Sadly I also know what you are saying though not about it my mother Good advice
Candyflosscookie · 04/10/2020 23:59

Many of the unsympathetic posters replies show their ignorance of the dynamic of an abusive family and the huge effect it has on you as a daughter OP. (I had a fab Mum but have worked with many women who didn't).

I would go as LC as you can manage without causing WW3 and reduce your stress as much as possible.

You don't need to justify your choices to us or her.

Staffy1 · 05/10/2020 00:14

Doesn't sound like she told anyone to spite you. It sounds like she was pleased with the news and didn't see a reason not to tell anyone.

aproblemsharedisaprobleminhalf · 05/10/2020 00:24

I really don't agree with your DM. It's your business who you tell if and when you're ready. Look after yourself OP Thanks

YoureRight · 05/10/2020 00:35

Your relatives are trash, there’s no need for you to permit them in your life. Free yourself and live.

apumpkinaday · 05/10/2020 00:39

YANBU! She must have known she shouldn’t have told people, especially your abusers. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP💐

katy1213 · 05/10/2020 00:49

I can't get over the fact that people are making unpleasant, insinuating phone-calls. Okay, maybe speculate in private - but actually to call you and challenge you about your husband's vasectomy? I think I'd ditch the lot of them. And certainly wouldn't be issuing any news bulletins about baby's sex or whatever else.

WeNo · 05/10/2020 00:59

@Changethetoner

Yes you are unreasonable. You told her some joyful news, and she was so happy she blurted it out to all and sundry. If you didn't want that as a possibility, you shouldn't have told her you were pg.
I would tend to disagree with this... depending on how early you told your mum. There's an unwritten rule that you don't tell 'everyone' until after your 12 week scan. So if you shared the secret with your mum before then I think she should've thought to wait before telling anyone and at least ask you first.

Your DM, or should we just say M, was out of order, especially over telling your DH's colleague. I agree with some PPs about going LC because your mum could be really difficult if you try to drop her from your life completely.

Good luck with your pregnancy. I hope all goes well! Flowers

Ginkypig · 05/10/2020 01:25

@lborgia

I’m so sorry, others just don’t understand.

When you’ve grown up with this kind of mother, you spend your whole life trying to make things normal. It’s normal to want to confide in your mum, but as you’ve seen, you will be crushed time, and time again.

My advice would be to go LC. Get yourself a script of a few subjects you can discuss without getting caught out, and ending up telling her anything remotely personal.

Generally, with people like this, if you try and go NC, you will get back hell and then some. This is not the time for dealing with that.

Keep it brief, keep it impersonal, keep it consistent.

I’m not going to give all the gory details to prove I know my subject, but seriously, I know my subject.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and congratulations on having a DH who sees the problem, and wants to stay away from it.

If you take anything away from this thread take this post from it!

The big lesson you need to learn is as much as you think it’s possible or as much work you put in to make it as easy for her as possible your mum will never behave like a “normal” person so stop expecting her to.

Put certain boundaries in to protect yourself the way you feel you need protected and this is the bit that is personal as each set of boundaries is different for different relationships (and behaviours) but once they are in place Always use them in your interactions, never let them drop thinking this time will be different or she loves me she is my mum she wouldn’t because she will!

Also now you are bringing a child into the relationship get some rules in place now because she will inflict on them what she did on you unless you don’t ever give her the chance.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2020 01:55

Let me guess she just wants everyone to just get on and the fact that you won’t do this makes you the unreasonable one. Doesn’t matter that you are doing so for your physical or psychological safety.

I have one of those. Makes everything all about her. I think low contact is a better idea than NC. WIth NC she can flail and wail and gossip with them.

Mariola321 · 05/10/2020 02:06

Sound drama llama to me.

Mariola321 · 05/10/2020 02:07

Sorry not meaning be rude, but should be happy about baby not moan about mother now.

JollyJlly · 05/10/2020 02:11

This thread and some of the reactions are mad! Of course you are not being unreasonable. What an awful thing for her to do.

I like what the poster said about LC. Do that.

Congrats on your news