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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this make me a controlling mum?

70 replies

MyPremiumOffers · 04/10/2020 07:22

Been in MN for years but I have never braved AIBU. Not exactly braving it now as I am name changing but I genuinely want to bounce off you wise lot.
So, 13 YO DD. We've always been close but a couple of years ago she started being, well, a normal teenager I guess, separating from me and her dad, being extremely secretive, not being affectionate or talkative, exploring sexuality (came out as pansexual, then kind of settled on gay)... All fairly normal I guess, but more worrying behaviours also came along, like some self-harming, sugar bingeing, and general not looking after herself. Some unnecessary behaviours also that would put her in conflict with her father and I, like for example dumping back in her wardrobe used soiled clothes, including dirty underwear. We have found countless empty packets of sweets in her drawers, wardrobe, bags, etc, ridiculous amounts. DD has asked to see a counsellor, we have got her a counsellor, she also has extra curricular activities that she has chosen, inc art and drama. She has friends. I do realise that there's an underlying unhappiness there and we are trying to do everything we can to support her. We have spoken to school, GP, therapist...
DD gets weekly pocket money and has a henry card. This means that she has disposable income and is free to buy whatever sweets she wants on her way to school and back. We have had discussions about her wellbeing, anxiety, sugar and health a zillion times. We do not restrict food at home and are pretty casual about treats. The amount of sugar she is buying though is ridiculous, and I am thinking now that she needs to leave her henry card with us during the week and have it on weekends. I know that she could just stock up in pounland for the week but I don't think she will, plus it's easier to monitor.
I should add that getting DD to exercise is a chore, and that she is not a slim girl. Don't get me wrong, she is not fat, but she is without doubt a little overweight and has inherited my propensity to put on weight if I am not careful. I have NEVER given the whole sugar thing this angle and have focused on teeth, wellbeing, healthy choices and the link between anxiety and sugar.
YABU - If I remove DD's henry card during the week I am being really controlling
YANBU - she does not need an endless amount of disposable income to buy sweets and if she cannot pace herself then we need to do it for her

OP posts:
hypochondriacseveywhere · 04/10/2020 07:25

Take it away from her she's still a child.

CarrieBlu · 04/10/2020 07:30

I was similar to your DD as a teenager. Definitely take it away from her. She’ll really resent you for it now but will thank you when she’s an adult.

schoolcook · 04/10/2020 07:32

I don't think it's controlling it's parenting.
But having said that I've been that child and I would have just stolen the sweets and found other ways to get them.
My mum restricted all sugary foods and it just turned me into a binge eater as I'd get it where I could.
It's a difficult one.

Angelina82 · 04/10/2020 07:33

Take the card off her altogether, at least until until she learns to put her shit in the bin/washing basket. She sounds completely spoilt.

Twickerhun · 04/10/2020 07:34

Take it away

Original poster
MyPremiumOffers · 04/10/2020 07:35

Thank you. Honestly we are quite relaxed at home with treats, I've never restricted anything, but we do eat healthy and cook from scratch most days, so it's always been an addition to a decent diet, not instead of, and more a weekend thing than treats every day.

I do realise she'll find a way to get some stuff here and there, but right now I feel we're funding this sugar addiction she's got.

OP posts:
fitzbilly · 04/10/2020 07:35

She's still very young and needs you to step in and help her. It's not controlling.

She will struggle with this though. If she's become addicted to sugar binges that's going to be hard to just stop. Good luck!

Wibblypiggly · 04/10/2020 07:37

She does sound unhappy but also massively overindulged. Stopping creeping around her trying to make sure she loves you, she’ll always do that despite what she says, and start parenting her firmly. Get that card away. A 13 yo doesn’t need ‘disposable income’.

Scweltish · 04/10/2020 07:47

YABU for letting it get this far! She’s still a child. I’d ditch the Henry card altogether. I’ve got an almost 13 year old. She gets pocket money on the Friday for whatever chores she’s done through the week. She knows it’s not all to be spent on shite from the sweet shops. She’s never been given free reign to buy as many sweets as she likes, and she knows what I consider to be a sensible amount which is around a packet of sweets and a fizzy drink maybe twice a week.
She’d be getting bugger all if she behaved how your dd does.
The fact that you’re not regulating her diet at all and letting her eat whatever she wants at home, giving her money every week to spend on ridiculous amounts of sweets from the shop, whilst letting her get away with stuffing her room with food wrappers and festering underwear just makes her sound completely spoilt, which she is. I’m assuming she does nothing round the house to help either?
You may find her attitude changing if you actually try to parent her and sort out her diet. She’s needs to be taught a little bit of self respect and discipline.

Incrediblytired · 04/10/2020 07:56

I think sometimes as parents we try things which we believe will be good but don’t go as planned. There’s nothing wrong with changing your mind.

I can see that you thought this card might give some independence and money management but it hasn’t, she’s demonstrated she’s not mature enough to use it responsibly so you take it away.

She’s only 13, still quite young really and you aren’t being controlling (at the moment you are being permissive) you are giving consequences to her irresponsible behaviour.

It’s good you’ve got her a counsellor, sounds like there’s a lot going on for her. Just don’t feel you can’t upset her because of her mental/emotional health, it won’t help. She still needs boundaries and the counsellor should help her to to deal with this.

Original poster
MyPremiumOffers · 04/10/2020 08:07

What, in your opinion, would be a reasonable amount of chores in the week? In her defence, she is in year 9 and works really well in school and always does her homework without any chasing from me. She also prepares herself a packed lunch every night.

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 04/10/2020 08:20

My 13 year old is responsible for putting his washed clothes away, keeping his room tidy, putting his clothes on the floor in the Dirty washing bag.
I give him chores on a two week rotation for example this week - responsibility for sorting and putting the Recycling out, playing his musical instrument, putting the bin bag in the outside bin, also helping set the table for dinner.
Then I switch to other jobs for another two weeks.
Also one of his after school activities needs to be a sport - can be non competitive
Walks at weekends as a family. We try to choose things he will enjoy but then it’s time together and information starts to come out.
Id Wonder what a 13 year old was looking at on the Internet it they were talking about being pan sexual. Not judgement, just an observation

LoeliaPonsonby · 04/10/2020 08:32

In the nicest possible way, grow up and start parenting your child. She is still a child and does not sound capable of dealing with any of the freedoms you give her. Does she have unrestricted internet access?

If you describe her as not slim, and by the sounds of the junk she’s eating, I would place money on her being overweight.

LoeliaPonsonby · 04/10/2020 08:33

I would also knock the counsellor on the head, I suspect if you limit internet use age things would get better. Dirty clothes going back into a wardrobe is just grim.

RepeatSwan · 04/10/2020 08:37

Just stop topping up the card. Tell her why.

You can't actively support her to do unhealthy things.

CherryPavlova · 04/10/2020 08:40

I wonder whether her unhappiness is about a lack of boundaries and structure. Children need to be controlled and guided. Save them to make all decisions results in chaos and misery. They need security of knowing their parents are in charge and will protect them.

A couple of years ago she was eleven - a young child not a normal teenager. It is not normal for a young child to be separating from their parents nor deciding they are pan sexual.

Reading this again, I wonder if it’s even real, it’s so far removed from normal family life. H

Gatehouse77 · 04/10/2020 08:42

It's not controlling if you use it as a 'learning point' (apologies for the jargon 🙄).

That ultimately she is in control of getting the card back bad on her choices and behaviours. Explain that it's not a punishment but to help her understand the value of money, addressing her health issues, etc.

Involve her in the discussion that follows the removal of the card and how to move forwards. Have regular review points where all involved can speak candidly.

As a parent, be prepared for some harsh comments, possibly resentment and bitterness, but as the parent you need to rise above that and focus on the end goal.

Suzi888 · 04/10/2020 08:42

Take the card away.
Chore wise, cleaning room, putting washing in wash basket, vacuuming, washing up occasionally or at weekends. She seems to be good with homework so that’s a positive.
Restrict screen time and if you can spend more time together away from the house.. just ideas.

I wonder why so many children seem to be coming out as pansexual, gay, etc lately Confused

ScrapThatThen · 04/10/2020 08:49

Compassionate caring. It sounds like there could be a hormonal element as well as an emotional one. Discuss a plan around reducing sweet foods include your boundaries such as the card and include her ideas or wishes. You and dh both actively increase your involvement and individual and family time with her doing stuff she enjoys (even kids who don't have great family benefit from more time with them if not abusive, and I am sure you are great). Look into hormonal birth control at some future point. Some people just can't do sugar without losing control. And tolerate lots of battles and arguments because this is what some teens go through - stay on her side, hold boundaries and try to keep your own sanity.

eatsleepread · 04/10/2020 08:49

Oh OP, I'll bet you wish you were as perfect a parent as some of the posters on here Wink
A child who overindulges in sweets and stuffs dirty underwear back in the wardrobe isn't necessarily 'completely spoilt'. Would you say that to a teenage girl with anorexia? Hmm
She sounds a bit unhappy in her own way. Definitely keep going with the counsellor ... particularly as your daughter was the one who asked for it.
I have 3 daughters OP, the eldest of whom (19) sounds very similar to yours (right down to the dirty underwear in the wardrobe, sweet wrappers everywhere, and overindulging, bit overweight, etc). She is amazing and we're very close, but have had our moments! It's not easy. My relationship with food has never been an easy one, and my own mother was anorexic. It saddens me greatly that I have somehow perpetuated the cycle without ever meaning to.
As an aside OP, my daughter was diagnosed with autism (high functioning) when she was about 16. Her ability to mask was quite something.

All the best to you and your daughter OP, and I hope she comes out of this soon Thanks

Mercedes519 · 04/10/2020 08:50

Good point up thread about stopping putting money on the card rather than taking it away - assume she can see the balance?

A lot of responses which I can only assume are from people who have younger children. Yes set boundaries and expectations but changing the way you parent is all part of them growing up - they need to start taking responsibility for themselves - you cannot give them the answers. This is why a counsellor is a good thing to give her a framework to work with to make better decisions.

The whole sexual orientation thing is part of normal conversation for teenagers now. That’s a good thing as they have language and understanding rather than being confused and ashamed.

Florencex · 04/10/2020 08:53

I don’t know what a Henry card is, but I am sure you need to take action and it isn’t controlling to do so.

Sewrainbow · 04/10/2020 08:59

13 is to young to self monitor her treat intake. Take it away.

Generallybewildered · 04/10/2020 09:07

@eatsleepread

Agree completely! My 11 year old has just got a card and is starting to do this, right down to the dirty clothes and sweets. I don’t think it’s unusual but I’m glad I’ve noticed it straight away. I also think she has autistic traits that are well hidden.

Any parent who thinks a Year 9 pupil doesn’t know about different sexualities types is a bit naive.

CecilyP · 04/10/2020 09:10

You seem to be so worried about not being controlling that you are letting her get away with more than the average easy going parent would. Two years ago she was 11; she is only just a teenager now. Please stop treating her as an adult when she is so far off being able to behave as one. I would also replace the card with a fixed amount of pocket money though wouldn’t make it conditional on chores. Giving her the card has given her more money than she knows what to do with so she spends Ito sweets because she is a child! However the least I would expect her to do is to keep her room clean and tidy, put her dirty clothes in the washing basket and put her rubbish in the bin. Even if she is embarrassed about it, you are no more likely to see it than if it is stuffed in drawers.