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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this make me a controlling mum?

70 replies

MyPremiumOffers · 04/10/2020 07:22

Been in MN for years but I have never braved AIBU. Not exactly braving it now as I am name changing but I genuinely want to bounce off you wise lot.
So, 13 YO DD. We've always been close but a couple of years ago she started being, well, a normal teenager I guess, separating from me and her dad, being extremely secretive, not being affectionate or talkative, exploring sexuality (came out as pansexual, then kind of settled on gay)... All fairly normal I guess, but more worrying behaviours also came along, like some self-harming, sugar bingeing, and general not looking after herself. Some unnecessary behaviours also that would put her in conflict with her father and I, like for example dumping back in her wardrobe used soiled clothes, including dirty underwear. We have found countless empty packets of sweets in her drawers, wardrobe, bags, etc, ridiculous amounts. DD has asked to see a counsellor, we have got her a counsellor, she also has extra curricular activities that she has chosen, inc art and drama. She has friends. I do realise that there's an underlying unhappiness there and we are trying to do everything we can to support her. We have spoken to school, GP, therapist...
DD gets weekly pocket money and has a henry card. This means that she has disposable income and is free to buy whatever sweets she wants on her way to school and back. We have had discussions about her wellbeing, anxiety, sugar and health a zillion times. We do not restrict food at home and are pretty casual about treats. The amount of sugar she is buying though is ridiculous, and I am thinking now that she needs to leave her henry card with us during the week and have it on weekends. I know that she could just stock up in pounland for the week but I don't think she will, plus it's easier to monitor.
I should add that getting DD to exercise is a chore, and that she is not a slim girl. Don't get me wrong, she is not fat, but she is without doubt a little overweight and has inherited my propensity to put on weight if I am not careful. I have NEVER given the whole sugar thing this angle and have focused on teeth, wellbeing, healthy choices and the link between anxiety and sugar.
YABU - If I remove DD's henry card during the week I am being really controlling
YANBU - she does not need an endless amount of disposable income to buy sweets and if she cannot pace herself then we need to do it for her

OP posts:

AlexaShutUp · 04/10/2020 10:25

And yy, I agree that the bingeing on sugar is a symptom of the problem, rather than the problem itself.

coldgraybrix · 04/10/2020 10:27

You are the parent, you make the rules. Children need boundaries and it is not being 'controlling' to enforce them.

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2020 10:44

@MyPremiumOffers

What, in your opinion, would be a reasonable amount of chores in the week? In her defence, she is in year 9 and works really well in school and always does her homework without any chasing from me. She also prepares herself a packed lunch every night.

Dirty clothes in washing basket Tidy room once a week/fortnight(at most) Empty dishwasher Clear table.

Weekends - help with meals?
Push the hoover around occasionally
Clean bedroom

vanillandhoney · 04/10/2020 10:49

How much disposable income does she have, and what is it for? Is it just for whatever she fancies (snacks, treats) or does she need to buy lunch or anything out of it?

I think, to an extent, that spending pocket money on "junk" is normal. I certainly remember doing it and I remember my friends doing it too. We used to go to the local independent corner shop and stock up every Saturday - penny sweets, 10p packs of crisps, freddos - all sorts. I think the mess is fairly normal too. Not ideal, but it does fall into the bounds of normal teenage behaviour.

spottybitch · 04/10/2020 10:51

Let her keep the card but limit the amount she has available on it?
If she has £1 at a time she's not going to buy much sugar.

ohidontknow2020 · 04/10/2020 10:53

It’ll be tricky but if I was you, get rid of the card. As others have said, in the long run she will thank you. You’re definitely not controlling, simply educating. You sound like a lovely supportive Mum. Could you maybe do a bit of a health kick together as a family? Even just simple things, going for a nice walk and making something relatively healthy at home afterwards? Something to get the natural endorphins going would be good. All the best to you both 🌸

Blacksheepcat · 04/10/2020 10:54

Have you asked for a referral to CAMHS? You can do it through the GP or the school. Have you spoken to SEN at her school? All these people can help and support.

Emeraldshamrock · 04/10/2020 11:00

Remove the card it sounds like she is addicted to sugar.
My DD is on the spectrum she does similar things, she hides used underwear especially around her period as she avoids pads, is secretive online, has a group of LGBTQ friends online.
The sexual orientation too, first non binary chopped hair off barred pink now possibly pansexual.
I've a check list for her daily she's like a toddler at times.
I do come down hard on her at times with straight talking I need to be controlling.
You're not alone anyway.

GrumpyHoonMain · 04/10/2020 11:00

Have you asked her why she’s putting used clothes back in the wardrobe? Does she have the power to switch on the washing machine and do her own washing if that’s what she wants? Her actions seem to point to a need to take control over herself - be honest and ask yourself how much true control does she have over family / her personal life. Is she only choosing arts activities because she feels she has to have activities? Is she allowed to bring friends (girlfriends / boyfriends included) to the house? Do you ever ask her what she would like to eat?

Family counselling may help get to the bottom of things. There probably are things you guys do as a family which can be improved.

Lockdownfatigue · 04/10/2020 11:04

It sounds as though your dd might well have an Eating Disorder and they are not well understood on Mumsnet. Visit the Beat website for more reliable advice. Don’t increase shame around bingeing.

Lockdownfatigue · 04/10/2020 11:06

I would take the go Henry card away but use a different reason than the sweet intake.

She should definitely be doing jobs at home though. My dd is younger and hoovers, does the dishwasher, tidied her room, walks dog, puts a load of washing on etc (not all at once! One job a day when she’s at school, more in the holidays and in lockdown)

IseeIsee · 04/10/2020 11:06

I think you are being too lax. You mention self harming also. Her behaviours are suggestive that something quite substantial is going on. She could be depressed, in a type of abusive relationship, being groomed, suffered sexual abuse. Something is amiss. I'm surprised she had to suggest a counsellor and you didn't suggest it first.

It's good that she speaks with you but I don't think you have the full picture. This isn't normal teenage behaviour.

She does seem to need more structure in her life so I think clearer boundaries, more exercise,, more chores is a good idea but I would engage much more in the counselling and keep lines of communication open.

On a side note some of the posters here remind me of my friends parents. They could be bullied, raped, depressed and their "children need control" parents wouldn't have a clue.

eatsleepread · 04/10/2020 11:11

On a side note some of the posters here remind me of my friends parents. They could be bullied, raped, depressed and their "children need control" parents wouldn't have a clue.

This is both offensive and unnecessary.

IseeIsee · 04/10/2020 11:22

@eatsleepread I'm sorry that you feel it is offensive but I think it should be pointed out.

The OP is being given a hard time by a number of posters and I see in real life that some parents like to give other parents a hard time as if they are perfect parents when in reality they simple know very little about their children's lives and the various struggles they are going through.

LindaEllen · 04/10/2020 11:24

I'd give her a small amount of pocket money each Friday, so long as she's done everything expected of her during the week. So that's room tidy, clothes in basket (or washed if you expect her to do her own), all homework up to date - plus whatever other chores you expect her to do. Perhaps make her responsible for something, for example hoovering upstairs once a week (or the whole house if needed).

My DSS is 17 and has to do the dishes every night (not even dry them, just wash them!), and that's IT, and he acts as though we're public enemy number one because of it. It's unfair that we make him do that apparently. But of course it's not 'unfair' for me to cook for him, clean the house, do his washing, do all the shopping .. etc. He's like his is now because he was indulged too much as a younger teen and not given any responsibility - so don't make that mistake! :)

AlexaShutUp · 04/10/2020 11:25

I agree. There are a lot of parents who are proud of how strict they are, but the reality is that their kids just do stuff in secret.

GabsAlot · 04/10/2020 11:28

dont top up the c ard then

why is it controlling shes 13 youre not taking away her own money are you

AmIACowBag · 04/10/2020 11:31

I have a 13 year old take it away. I took my childs mobile away 2 months ago as they were being so rude. I've offered it back and they do not want it! Said they do not actually miss it (has a gaming pc and has Instagram on their but cannot send pics). He went on a bike ride with friends and I made him take it and he gave it me back when he returned. This isn't a cheap phone either it was worth over £1000 brand new last year. Changed child, soooooo much more relaxed.

AmIACowBag · 04/10/2020 11:32

*on there

eatsleepread · 04/10/2020 12:15

@IseeIsee

Aah, I see, sorry. I thought you meant it in relation to the OP - and other posters like myself - who have experienced issues with their teens. As opposed to the ones who haven't!

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