I did in some ways...the highs were amazing and the lows were awful. Looking back now, we both had undiagnosed attachment disorders (the worst combination as he was Avoidant and I was Preoccupied) and Depression. Our childhoods screwed us over and at that point he wasn’t prepared to have counselling and “do the work” whilst I was.
In the good moments, it was beautiful, cinematic even. I’ve never met anyone with whom conversation was so easy and the silences were so easy. We just “got” each other, could stay up just talking, lying in each other’s arms, holding one another. At times it felt very tender and innocent and vulnerable.
Which was why, when he’d be Avoidant, it would be so gut wrenchingly awful. Devastating. So many times I had to pull over in the car and sob my heart out. Had never really carried over a guy before. Looking back it was frightening how easily I broke with him after years of being so strong. Because he knew me so well and we were so alike, he knew exactly how to hurt me emotionally...like an arrow with perfect precision. Then all those feelings of hurt and shame and rejection that I’ve always lived with would bubble to the surface and I’d feel totally naked and ashamed at myself. Awful.
I’ve not met anyone else but he’s married now. I don’t know much about her but I get the impression that she had a happy childhood and is very pragmatic and optimistic so very different from me and a much simpler, easier person to live with than me.
I don’t know if I will have another relationship now, it’s been six years since and there’s not been anyone else but if a miracle was to happen and there is someone in my future, I think I’d be hoping for someone with a secure attachment and who has good mental health as it is too hard when you are both trying to overcome childhood abuse and neglect and complex ptsd...you end up hurting each other without meaning to. I worry that it would be difficult for someone who hasn’t experienced all this and is SO different to understand me and that I might never know the emotional intimacy I did with him again. But yes...I wouldn’t want to date someone who was like me. For another thing, if I was ever blessed with biological children, I wouldn’t want them to be as strongly predisposed to depression or anxiety as me so having a healthy Dad would be a great head start for them - I’d never want them to go through what I have. I’d only want them to inherit whatever good things there are about me! So, yeah, diversity all the way.