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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas dilemma

76 replies

biscuit13 · 03/10/2020 21:27

So I'll try and cut a long story short..

Our first baby is due beginning of November which we are extremely excited about. We are also selling our flat and buying a house so we will be staying at my friends empty flat for December and January to wait for our house to be ready.
I also lost my mum in April to cancer which I have found incredibly difficult, and it will be our first Christmas without mum (me and my husband used to spend part of Xmas at my parents with my sister too)
So my dilemma is, me and my husband want to have Christmas day together with our baby, albeit at my friends flat, but maybe have our parents to pop round for a little bit to swap presents and see us and baby. Main reasons are that if we try and do Christmas how we have always done it it will make it even more difficult that mum isn't there, plus we don't want to be dragging a 6 week old baby out and round to different peoples houses all day.
My sister and dad want me, husband and baby to be with them like we used to. Which then isn't fair on my husbands parents either.
What I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for saying we don't want to be travelling around and they should come to us seeing as we'll have a newborn?

OP posts:

Sandcastles55 · 03/10/2020 21:35

I’m really sorry that you lost your mum this year. That must have been especially tough with the isolation of lockdown.

Tricky about Christmas...you’re not being unreasonable for wanting that. I can imagine this Christmas will be hard for your dad and sister though, and if your relationship with them is easy then why not invite them to spend the whole day with you? That way you don’t have to do any travel but you’re helping them through this difficult time together. You can celebrate with in-laws on a different day, given this is probably a very tough one for your dad this year. That would probably be my take on it, supposing of course that you have a good relationship with your dad.

DueNumberTwo · 03/10/2020 21:36

We invite everyone to our house (MIL, BIL, Mum, stepDad, brother, SIL, niece and nephew) and they all happily come.
We have the morning just us then everyone arrives around 2pm. We'll have a newborn & 4yo this year.
Have you invited them to yours and they've said no?

NerrSnerr · 03/10/2020 21:39

@DueNumberTwo the OP probably can't invite everyone round as the rule of 6 is likely to be in force still (unless she isn't in the UK).

Our families are not local so we're not planning on going anywhere on Christmas Day as we can't predict local lockdowns or if someone has a cough etc so we didn't want anyone to not have Christmas Day stuff in if we couldn't get together.

Twickerhun · 03/10/2020 21:39

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Given likely social restrictions and having a tiny newborn you’d be wise to keep things flexible

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/10/2020 21:45

A 6 week old baby is very very portable (excepting any health needs). It would be kind to spend the day with your recently bereaved Dad and sister. Go to your PiL on boxing day or Christmas afternoon.

Original poster

biscuit13 · 03/10/2020 21:48

Thankyou both for replying

@Sandcastles55 its been really difficult, espeically being pregnant and wanting my mum (i was 9 weeks when she passed away), we are all struggling. I know my dad is too. I do have a good relationship with my dad and want to support him as much as I can. I would happily invite them to spend the day or as much as they would like with us, but they want to have the day at the family home.

@DueNumberTwo I've suggested it to my sister about coming to us, but she is adamant that they both want it to be at our parents house. She basically made me feel like I'm being selfish for wanting to change things this year.

OP posts:

CarrotInATree · 03/10/2020 21:49

I think it’s a bit sad that you can’t take into account what your dad and sister would like, they’re recently bereaved too and it would obviously bring them some comfort. You’re free to do what you like of course.

Teacherontherun · 03/10/2020 21:49

Really tough one. You are not being unreasonable not to want to travel around, but equally you dad and sister are not unreasonable for wanting to stay home. Maybe this is the year to be your own little family, change the norm because it is different anyway. By Christmas we might be in a situation where there is no mixing of households so it will be even more disappointing if uoumake plans you have to change. Why not have the day together as a new family then go to your dads boxing day

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 03/10/2020 21:49

Newborn babies are really portable they are probably the easiest age to take around to differ t houses. I would say spend it with your dad ect you may find on the day ins comforting to do some of the old things you did. I’ve lost my mum and find Christmas very hard, but find it better when I’m with my gamily then without them.

burglarbettybaby · 03/10/2020 21:53

So so sorry for your loss. To be honest i think having a baby changes everything anyway.
If you want to stay at home with your new baby then i would totally do that.
You have offered to have your father and sister over (totally understand that they want to remain at home) but maybe its better to have a fresh start in a way. New traditions. This must be incredibly tough on you all but you are going through a big life change and i do think its important to be good to yourself xxx

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2020 21:56

@biscuit13

Thankyou both for replying

@Sandcastles55 its been really difficult, espeically being pregnant and wanting my mum (i was 9 weeks when she passed away), we are all struggling. I know my dad is too. I do have a good relationship with my dad and want to support him as much as I can. I would happily invite them to spend the day or as much as they would like with us, but they want to have the day at the family home.

@DueNumberTwo I've suggested it to my sister about coming to us, but she is adamant that they both want it to be at our parents house. She basically made me feel like I'm being selfish for wanting to change things this year.

I think it would be good if you could go to theirs this Christmas.

Having the baby there will make the day so much easier for everyone.

Start something new next year when you're in your new house.

Original poster

biscuit13 · 03/10/2020 21:57

@NerrSnerr we are in the UK so can't have everyone round at the same time.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood thank you, its our first so i have no idea what life will be like with a newborn. I completely understand about being there for my dad and sister, me and my husband have never had a Christmas together alone, we have always travelled around to different families xmas day and just foreseeing that we probably wouldn't want to do that with a baby? I feel so stuck in the middle, I completely want to support my dad and sister but, I want to finally do Christmas for us and not everyone else, im grieving too and I really don't feel comfortable doing a replica of Christmas day without mum, it will feel horrendous and will emphasised that she's not there.

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 03/10/2020 21:57

Invite you dad and sister to yours for the morning/afternoon and you in-laws for the evening.
Yanbu to want people to come to you. I understand it hard for you sister but 6 weeks baby and 6 week post recovery would be better to stay home.

Original poster

biscuit13 · 03/10/2020 22:01

Its good to have different takes on this so thank you everyone.
I want to say its not just the travelling.. its that I still find it really hard to be at my parents house... I still expect to see mum there and it hurts so much that she's not. On Christmas day, her chair will be empty, there will be no presents from her, her space will be empty at the table and I dont feel like I can do it.

OP posts:

keeprocking · 03/10/2020 22:01

Christmas is going to be very different this year if the restrictions remain in place and if, like you and me, there has been a bereavement it will be even more difficult. One part of the family won't be coming down otherwise it will go over the six which means at least we won't all be sitting there with one place missing. Being forced to do things differently I find has been a godsend.

ImSleepingBeauty · 03/10/2020 22:10

We travelled over an hour with our week old baby because no one from my family had visited to meet baby and we felt it was important.
With hindsight I wished we’d stayed at home and had that first Christmas together. It would have been much less stressful for us and I’m sure much more enjoyable too.

greenlynx · 03/10/2020 22:10

I’m sorry for your loss.
I can see where you coming from and you are not unreasonable. It will be a difficult time for you around Xmas with newborn and your move, I would hate travel with small baby personally especially in current situation. But your Dad and your Sister just want things to be like they used to be and it’s understandable too.
I would tell them that you are concerned about traveling with newborn (which is true, you never know) and about possible restrictions. Tbh none of us could make definite plans at this stage. But I think you are allowed to be “unfair” this year towards your PIL as these are exceptional circumstances, It’s the first Xmas for your family without your Mum.

greenlynx · 03/10/2020 22:15

I just saw your update and it would be difficult for your Dad and Sister too, they probably haven’t realised it. They might be better to come to you this year. I would ask them again in November.

AdaColeman · 03/10/2020 22:16

As your Dad & Sis have said that they want to stay at the family home rather than visit you, I would stick with your original plan and have a quiet Christmas at home with your new baby.

Small babies can be pretty demanding, and it might be just what you & DH need, to have some time when you can please your selves and not have the pressure of meeting other people’s timetables.

Christmas can be a stressful time especially when you are trying to please other people, but now you have a baby, you can put your own needs first. Try not to get into writing the “rules” for Christmas in stone, as it can cause more problems when you don’t meet the expectations of others. Above all have a wonderful and relaxing first Christmas with your new baby!

hammeringinmyhead · 03/10/2020 22:24

I gave birth in early November and I wasn't really myself until probably about February. I don't really remember that Christmas - I was breastfeeding every 2 hours round the clock, baby didn't know day from night, and the main thing DH and I both enjoyed about the time off together was that we could take it in turns to sleep! I would stick to your guns. You not wanting to be in the house on that day doesn't trump them wanting you there just because there are 2 of them.

Sunnyrainshowers · 03/10/2020 22:26

I think because you are willing to host your dad and sister, that makes a difference.

Unfortunately, Christmas will not be the same again for any of you. Your proposal makes sense.

Sorry for your loss. I hope your baby brings you joy.

Ohhgreat · 03/10/2020 22:27

Honestly, the birth of the baby is a good chance to draw a line and say no, now on we will be having xmas at ours. If they are invited over then you arent leaving them out. Sometimes you have to do what's right for you!

Charleyhorses · 03/10/2020 22:34

Yanbu.
With our first we stayed home.
My husband's parents came for lunch and my family came over for tea.

underneaththeash · 03/10/2020 23:00

I think you should go to your dad’s house. It’s his first Christmas without your mum and it’s going to be difficult. Your PIL should understand.

FriendofDorothy · 03/10/2020 23:06

My Mum died very suddenly 7 years ago in the September and for the first Christmas we all went to my Dad's house. It was hard. Life was different and we were all sad, but we were together and that felt important. We had a 19 month old and I was about 6 weeks pregnant over Christmas so I couldn't even get wasted!

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