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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas dilemma

76 replies

biscuit13 · 03/10/2020 21:27

So I'll try and cut a long story short..

Our first baby is due beginning of November which we are extremely excited about. We are also selling our flat and buying a house so we will be staying at my friends empty flat for December and January to wait for our house to be ready.
I also lost my mum in April to cancer which I have found incredibly difficult, and it will be our first Christmas without mum (me and my husband used to spend part of Xmas at my parents with my sister too)
So my dilemma is, me and my husband want to have Christmas day together with our baby, albeit at my friends flat, but maybe have our parents to pop round for a little bit to swap presents and see us and baby. Main reasons are that if we try and do Christmas how we have always done it it will make it even more difficult that mum isn't there, plus we don't want to be dragging a 6 week old baby out and round to different peoples houses all day.
My sister and dad want me, husband and baby to be with them like we used to. Which then isn't fair on my husbands parents either.
What I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for saying we don't want to be travelling around and they should come to us seeing as we'll have a newborn?

OP posts:
MaintainTheMolehill · 04/10/2020 11:44

I think you should do whatever you have to to get through the day. However I think this year the PIL shouldn't come into the equation. You have just lost your Mum and they should understand that.
It's a difficult one about you not wanting to go to your parents house and I would probably feel the same way but perhaps there is no way getting round that this Christmas will be hard so you should all be together to get through it? Perhaps being at home makes your dad and sister feel closer to your Mum.

Ideasplease322 · 04/10/2020 12:12

I am so sorry about your mum.

I do think your in laws would understand that this year is incredibly tough for your family - and that your dad and sister need you. They surely wouldn’t be so unkind to talk about fairness in this scenario.

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2020 15:36

@biscuit13

Its good to have different takes on this so thank you everyone. I want to say its not just the travelling.. its that I still find it really hard to be at my parents house... I still expect to see mum there and it hurts so much that she's not. On Christmas day, her chair will be empty, there will be no presents from her, her space will be empty at the table and I dont feel like I can do it.
How are your dad and sister going to be?

I'm not saying it's easy, but you can do it if you're all together. And the baby will be a huge help.

Sleepingdogs12 · 04/10/2020 16:14

Since my mum died not too long ago I have found the worry and anticipation about what an event will be like without her harder than the actual event itself but I also understand how dreadful you feel expecting a baby having just lost your mum. You don't know how the birth will go and how you'll be feeling generally anyway I would be saying that you need to see how you are nearer Christmas and take the pressure off for now. It is a bit unfair of your sister to be pressuring you but everyone is hurting.

DimityandDeNimes · 04/10/2020 16:39

I'm not saying it's easy, but you can do it if you're all together. And the baby will be a huge help

This. Honour your mum by celebrating Christmas with her husband, daughter and new grandchild.

I was much younger than you when I lost my mum and I really feel for you but I don't think this is the year to prioritise your "own little family" as MNetters often insist.

RWK29 · 04/10/2020 16:59

@biscuit13 So sorry to hear about your Mum OP Flowers The people saying it’s not as hard for you because you’ll have the baby are being ridiculous 🙄 Christmas will be exceptionally hard for you all this year, no doubt about it, so if I were you I wouldn’t make any big decisions yet. I lost my Gran a few years ago (I was 26 and have always been FAR closer to my grandparents than my parents) and I remember thinking that I’d never be able to set foot in my grandparents house again because EVERYTHING reminded me of her. Don’t get me wrong, going there and her not being there was devastating but what I didn’t expect was to find being in “her space” SO unbelievably comforting! Having your beautiful new baby and making lovely first Christmas memories in your family home with lovely memories of your mum might actually be just what you need Flowers I get that everyone is completely different so it may not be something you feel upto but knowing the unexpected way I felt I would give it a bit of thought if I were you Smile

If it’s something you felt upto doing then maybe you could invite the in-laws to you for brunch/nibbles late morning to spend some time with them and allow them to see the baby then your little family of 3 could head to your family home and have Christmas dinner there with your dad and sister. Then maybe next year when you’re settled in your new house you could start the tradition of having your own little family Christmas 😊

VinylDetective · 04/10/2020 17:12

@DimityandDeNimes

I'm not saying it's easy, but you can do it if you're all together. And the baby will be a huge help

This. Honour your mum by celebrating Christmas with her husband, daughter and new grandchild.

I was much younger than you when I lost my mum and I really feel for you but I don't think this is the year to prioritise your "own little family" as MNetters often insist.

I agree with this. My mum died a month before Christmas and the bloke’s dad died on Christmas Eve (different years) so it’s always been a bit blighted for us. Spending the day with your dad and sister will help all of you with your grief.
Disfordarkchocolate · 04/10/2020 17:22

Newborn babies can be very portable. However, you could also have a difficult c-section, a colicky baby and severe sleep deprivation.

No matter how much you Dad and Sister what things to be the same this Christmas, they won't be. I think they may not like it before hand but doing something different may be easier than trying to a recreate Christmas can't be recreated. This year has forced you to change traditions, go with that, from experience the change will be a useful distraction because it stops painful comparisons. If you don't change now I think you'll get the same pressure next year.

Giespeace · 04/10/2020 17:46

What I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for saying we don't want to be travelling around and they should come to us seeing as we'll have a newborn?

Just to remind people that OP does actually want to see her Dad and Sister on Christmas Day. They just seem to want it to be on their terms, regardless of OPs feelings or needs.

DimityandDeNimes · 04/10/2020 18:59

@Giespeace - OP's dad and sister understandably don't want to spend this particular Xmas in a stranger's flat (OP has said they are borrowing a friend's flat for Dec/Jan).

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2020 19:27

I'm not sure why people are suggesting your sister's feeling are more important than yours, how old is she? I do think you and your sister should be working together to help the three (you two and Dad) get through it.
Could you agree to family home but new traditions? You mentioned the empty chair, has your Dad said he is setting a place for your Mom? Who used to do the cooking?

Sleepingdogs12 · 04/10/2020 20:06

Missed the PIL bit. Hopefully this year surely they will realise you've got enough on your plate without worrying too much about their feelings, I am sure they will just fit in with what you want to do.

Original poster
biscuit13 · 04/10/2020 20:23

@Sleepingdogs12 @SleepingStandingUp

Thank you again for kind encouragement, my sister is 4 years younger than me. She works but other than that doesn't have any other commitments.
PIL aren't really an issue tbh, they haven't said anything yet, its just me trying to please everyone which is why I said it wouldn't be fair. They will, of course, support whatever we decide to do.
So unfortunately my sister brought it up again today and it ended up in a bit of an argument. I just can't take her passive aggressive comments any more.
I've said that we will wait and see when baby is born what we feel like we can do.... so im already putting my own feelings aside of not wanting to be in the family home with them trying to recreate a Christmas we cant have.
And she is making nasty comments about "why cant we just do it" "its a baby, not a handicap".. that one really pissed me off. When I said well I'm the one that has to give birth she said "well you just have to sit with your feet up"
I've been in tears this afternoon because I cant take any more unnecessary stress. I am desperately trying to cope with mum, having a baby, moving house... and she is still trying to force us into agreeing about Christmas?!
Sorry I know I'm just ranting now but I feel like I cant take any more on!

OP posts:
Original poster
biscuit13 · 04/10/2020 20:26

@RWK29 @Giespeace thankyou for understanding and for your experience. You're exactly right, I really do want to see them, but they don't seem to be taking my needs into account.
I just want someone in my family to actually ask me what we would like, rather than just assuming we will be doing whatever they want.

OP posts:
ChocoholicMama · 04/10/2020 20:48

I'm surprised by the majority of comments here... OP is not refusing to see family at Christmas, simply offering that they visit her when she'll have a newborn rather than expecting her to travel and spend the day somewhere that is going to cause painful memories for them all. I think there's a lot of assumption going on that you will have an easy recovery, an easy baby, no feeding difficulties, and no PND or difficulties with mood of any sort, which given your year isn't something I would assume. I'm actually due a few weeks after you with baby 2 and also lost a parent last year. We are staying home, and are not yet making any plans but do hope everything will allow my parent to come visit at Christmas. Given newborns shouldn't be in a car seat for too long, saying they're easily portable, whilst true to some extent, doesn't always equal practical and easy. My first baby was late, and at 6 weeks I still couldn't sit without pain and there's not a chance I would have travelled. We barely left the house before 8 weeks. That's not to say my experience will be yours, you may find it easy and be out and about with no problem, but I think waiting until the baby arrives before making a decision is very sensible. And I would be ignoring the sister until she stops causing you stress at an already stressful time. Best of luck OP, whilst you do need to be supportive of your family, they equally need to be supportive of you and need to appreciate you have a lot to deal with right now.

Lilybet1980 · 04/10/2020 20:54

This is a really tough one. I’ve not been through a bereavement like this, but I have had the Christmas dilemma with newborns.

My suggestion would be go to your Dad’s this year. You’re leaving a lot to your sister to deal with if she has to spend it alone with him. Then have your first family Christmas in your new house next year. That will honestly be so much easier and more fun with a one year old.

ScrapThatThen · 04/10/2020 20:56

Tell her, I can't do the same as always because mum won't be there, and I can't do the same as always because I am going to be a mum and will have to put baby first not everyone else. But t love you and need you and would like it if we could xyz.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/10/2020 20:56

Remember you will be exhausted at that stage. If baby is late you might be 4 weeks pp with all the post birth issues. You might be best not committing to anything too taxing at this stage. If your dad and sister are close it might be easiest to call in there for a couple of hours and go to your husband's family another day. Then you can leave when you've had enough. I doubt you will want to have them all at yours with all the extra work.

RWK29 · 04/10/2020 21:12

@biscuit13 Your needs as an individual and your needs as a new family are just as important as everyone else’s OP. Sorry to hear you and your sister have had a falling out today 😔 emotions will no doubt be high for everyone at the moment but she has no right saying these things to you. Maybe just attempt to make it clear to her now that you won’t be discussing Christmas again until baby is here and you see what kind of recovery time you’re going to need. I say attempt to make it clear because I know that’s easier said than done 🙈 my own sister would be very persistent too!

Bluetrews25 · 04/10/2020 21:23

Very obvious even before your update that your sister does not have DCs.
Is she not able to imagine pushing a watermelon out of her lady parts?

Sorry for your loss.
What would your DMum have wanted you to do, do you think?
As a Mum, she might well remember the pain, exhausting hard work and adjustment of new motherhood. Your Dad may have forgotten, if he was ever aware.
I'd want to stay at home.

raspberryfields · 04/10/2020 22:03
  1. Practically speaking, how far is it to your dad's?
  1. Small babies are portable, so if under an hour I would probably go if it were me. I would probably find it easier to visit practically speaking, leaving dad and sister to do the catering (with your husband sourcing pudding / cheese or whatever), than to host myself, which is a pain in the arse with a small child. I mean, I have made a full meal for guests with a tiny baby, but I wouldn't recommend it!
  1. Your feelings do count - worth explaining how hard you will find it. BUT, consider also that your small Christmas preferences might also be connected to quite a strong nesting instinct to be at home, which is totally normal towards the end of pregnancy - I'm not saying that this is in any way invalid, just that some may not just be pregnancy related
  1. My in laws are bereaved parents and my parents understand that they will be privileged at a Christmas time for the moment - i am sure your PIL will understand that this is what is needed this year.
raspberryfields · 04/10/2020 22:04

Sorry was supposed to say "some may not be grief related"

Original poster
biscuit13 · 05/10/2020 20:13

@ChocoholicMama thankyou, its really helpful to hear someone's experience. I am ignoring sister for now. I just want to focus on my baby. I was starting to feel like these last few weeks of excitement were being ruined by her.

@ScrapThatThen I will say something like that, you've worded it well there.

@RWK29 yes, I have done that, just left it that I'm not agreeing to anything until we've had baby and know how we feel.

@raspberryfields dad isn't far, maybe 20 minute drive. I hadn't thought about the nesting aspect like that.... could be partly to do with it I guess. I just want to be around all my own things.

OP posts:
DimityandDeNimes · 06/10/2020 14:28

OP - I don’t know why you started this thread, you’re just thanking everyone who tells you what you want to hear. I hope their validation has helped you and you get the Christmas you wish for.

Original poster
biscuit13 · 06/10/2020 18:38

@DimityandDeNimes not sure why you needed to comment that. I was thanking people for their support and input. Its helpful to hear from people who have been in my position and who have done it before. I have taken all points of view on board though

OP posts:
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