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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas dilemma

76 replies

biscuit13 · 03/10/2020 21:27

So I'll try and cut a long story short..

Our first baby is due beginning of November which we are extremely excited about. We are also selling our flat and buying a house so we will be staying at my friends empty flat for December and January to wait for our house to be ready.
I also lost my mum in April to cancer which I have found incredibly difficult, and it will be our first Christmas without mum (me and my husband used to spend part of Xmas at my parents with my sister too)
So my dilemma is, me and my husband want to have Christmas day together with our baby, albeit at my friends flat, but maybe have our parents to pop round for a little bit to swap presents and see us and baby. Main reasons are that if we try and do Christmas how we have always done it it will make it even more difficult that mum isn't there, plus we don't want to be dragging a 6 week old baby out and round to different peoples houses all day.
My sister and dad want me, husband and baby to be with them like we used to. Which then isn't fair on my husbands parents either.
What I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for saying we don't want to be travelling around and they should come to us seeing as we'll have a newborn?

OP posts:

whatstodo20 · 03/10/2020 23:15

I'm sorry for your loss are you able to explain to your sister and dad that you feel being in the family home on Christmas Day without your mum will be to difficult for you? I suggest that you hold off making a decision right now, there's still plenty of time before Christmas and your feelings may change.

MJMG2015 · 03/10/2020 23:18

@biscuit13

Its good to have different takes on this so thank you everyone. I want to say its not just the travelling.. its that I still find it really hard to be at my parents house... I still expect to see mum there and it hurts so much that she's not. On Christmas day, her chair will be empty, there will be no presents from her, her space will be empty at the table and I dont feel like I can do it.

Have you actually said that to them? Or have you just said you don't want to be taking the baby here, there & everywhere?

If you were 'blaming the baby' I'd be upset, but if you said how it would make you feel I'd understand.

I don't know what I'd do - probably go because I'm a people pleaser & id make plans with DH's family for Boxing Day (given your Mum has died (😘🌷) they'd be pretty churlish to make a fuss of you doing that).

It's hard, very hard.

TheEC · 03/10/2020 23:22

Personally I’d be putting my dad and sister first this year. Babies are easy at 6 weeks to move about

DelphiniumBlue · 03/10/2020 23:30

Quite honestly, I think it'll be worse for your Dad and sister, you'll have a baby and you've got a husband. With that in mind, I think you should accommodate your Dad as much as you can this year. He's lost his life partner. You've got everything ahead of you, new baby etc. but he may well feel that it's all downhill for him now. He is dealing with her empty chair every day
If you've got somewhere big enough, you could invite him and sister to stay with you, but it sounds as if there won't be enough room to that comfortably. Assuming he doesn't live too far away, it won't be difficult to take the baby to your dad,and spend a few days with him- it will really mean a lot to him to have you all together. Could your in-laws visit you there? But they are secondary players this year, and will understand that your bereaved father has priority.
Just make it clear that you won't be doing the cooking this year!
It will be hard but a new baby is something to celebrate and will be a focus for you all.

katy1213 · 03/10/2020 23:36

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You've invited them, and now it's up to them if they want to accept; they'll probably come in the end, if you stand firm.

beingajen · 03/10/2020 23:44

YANBU to stay at home simply because your baby will be 6 weeks old. 6 weeks is still very young, they don't have patterns of sleep/behaviour/eating that you can schedule around others. You'll still be resting when they rest, and that is unpredictable. They get upset for various reasons unknown, and you may be riding out significant hormonal changes yourself. Plus if you are breastfeeding, you may be wondering around in states of undress all the time. In addition, packing to leave the house with a baby is quite a challenge in itself. This is all assuming you have a good delivery. I had interventions and was still pretty sore, and just needing medicines and down time right up to 3 months and this was with going into the first lockdown at 4 week postpartum. The medical care for new mums was sparse, so time and sleep became even more important.

The new baby, and a move are huge life experiences. You need to become a strong family unit, that operates around your own needs first. It sounds selfish, but for a while this will be how to thrive. Form new memories and new traditions. I would also say. Let people come to your flat, but not for longer than 2 hours, then they won't disturb feeding or sleeping sessions.

fahrt · 04/10/2020 07:36

I am sorry for your loss @biscuit13

I would try and talk to them again (video if possible) and explain that you just can't bear it, plus you will have a 6 week old.

Everything you have said on here is reasonable.
They might choose to continue as normal, that is there choice but you have the right to grieve and celebrate your way too.

Wibblypiggly · 04/10/2020 07:41

I would go to your dad and sister on Christmas Day and the in-laws on Boxing Day. You’ve all lost your mum and your little baby will be a beacon of joy on a difficult day. New ones are so portable and very sleepy, it would be fine.

ravensoaponarope · 04/10/2020 07:48

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't think any of you are being unreasonable. I think for me, it might hurt more going there and spending Christmas there without her. But then maybe your Dad wants to feel he hasn't lost everyone and if you and your sister are both at the family home, it's something to hold onto in this first year.

ravensoaponarope · 04/10/2020 07:50

Taking the baby there would bring new hope to the house. I think I would try and go there and all be distracted by the baby. xx

Nottherealslimshady · 04/10/2020 07:55

I think you should stay at home and people visit you. It's not really about how easy babies are to carry around it's about the effects of having a newborn on you.
I also dont think you should have to go your mums house to feel like shit just because they're insisting on it. They would enjoy the day more at your house but want to stay where the memories and pain are, you shouldn't have to if you dont want to, you're struggling too and you should do what's best for you at this time.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/10/2020 07:58

I don’t think YABU but I think the kindest thing to do would be to spend the day with your dad and sister.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/10/2020 07:59

As others have said, having the baby there would bring a new, positive feeling to the house.

Florencex · 04/10/2020 08:03

I generally believe people should do what they want for Christmas. But I am sad for up your father and sister that you don’t want to spend time with them. The first Christmas after my mother died (she died in the June) it was very important, especially to my dad that he had me and my sisters around him on Christmas Day.

Your husband’s parents have not been bereaved this year, they would understand if you have to put your parents first after this years events.

Florencex · 04/10/2020 08:04

sorry I meant your family. 😓

whatk8ydid · 04/10/2020 08:12

I don't think the way you feel is unreasonable, at all. But. There is always a first time (Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries) and sometimes by avoiding it, it just delays the pain. Going to see your dad and sister, and starting to make new memories in a place filled with loving old ones will of course be bittersweet. But it will have to be done at some point, and with a newborn to distract and comfort you (and everyone else) it may be the best time.

However, if you truly don't feel you can cope with that this year, it is absolutely unfair for anyone to be anything but supportive and respectful of your decision.

GnomeDePlume · 04/10/2020 08:37

Dont make firm plans yet.

Once the baby is here you may find the dynamic changes again. Are you planning for your DF and DSis to meet the baby shortly after the birth? Everybody's feelings may change at that point.

Once the baby is here your DF & DSis change roles. They will no longer be just bereaved husband and daughter, they become new grandfather and aunt. This may change their feelings a bit. Obviously there will be huge sadness for everyone that your DM isnt there to share the experience.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 04/10/2020 09:06

I think your idea is the best. It is inclusive to both families and you don't have to travel. Make sure you dish out food responsibilities to both sides so you don't have to fully cater. So sorry to hear about your Mum.

Beautiful3 · 04/10/2020 09:13

I remember my first christmas with a 3 month old. It was awful as we went to his parents house. We were both stressed and forgot the presents, had to go back and get them. We couldn't relax and had to play games after dinner, all evening. It was uncomfortable and boring. The second Christmas I said, we re staying home. Best decision we ever made.

frogswimming · 04/10/2020 09:23

You're not unreasonable at all. With a six week old baby everyone else should do the running around. Things change and you need to create your own new family traditions.

CeibaTree · 04/10/2020 10:28

The first Christmas after my mum died, we just followed my Dad's wishes, which was to have it in the family home. I really think you should do the same - your Dad has lost his life partner, and you are just embarking on your own family life with years and years stretching in front of you. I think this would be the most compassionate thing to do and your baby will be so portable at that age.

I totally understand it'll be hard for you to be in the family home without your mum, but this is your family's new normal now, and you may even find it help with your grieving process. I am very sorry you lost your mum, it's one of the hardest things we have to go through x

Original poster

biscuit13 · 04/10/2020 11:04

Wow so many replies 🥰 thank you everyone.
I am listening to all comments and I can definitely see both sides. Although a couple of people accused me of not wanting to spend time with my dad and sister which is not what I said at all and I would not do that anyway as I'm a very family orientated person.
Im still so unsure of what to do, but I think I'm going to have to wait until I've had the baby to see what the situation is, I mean I've said a 6 week old baby... that is if baby comes on its due date... worst case I could go 2 weeks over AND a section so it would only be 4 weeks post baby. Or baby could be early and I have a really straight forward labour which might change things.
Trust me I want to support them, its all I've ever done, I speak to my dad on the phone most days and see him as much as I can. My sister on the other hand has only seen us 3 times in the last 2 and a half months.
Also I read one comment about the grieving being harder for my dad and sister than me because I'm having a baby?! Actually I think its the other way around, ive found it incredibly difficult coming to terms with the fact that my mum cant be there during my pregnancy or meet my baby, im only 27, she was supposed to see all of these things. I've started counselling, but its hard.
Although I do take everyones opinions ive been surprised at people saying I should ignore how I would feel and just get on with it for other people. I've done it so much throughout the whole thing and my pregnancy, I mean if it was something I thought I could do on Xmas day then I wouldn't be unsure of what to do. :/

OP posts:

Nonverba · 04/10/2020 11:15

I was in this situation last year as my son was born nov 14th

Trust me when I say going out for the day with a newborn is like a military operation. It is exhausting as the little one will be feeding at least three hourly day and night at that point.

You may also still be physically recovering depending on your birth.

I would 109% and without regret ask them to come over in short controlled bursts.

One of my biggest regrets was being controlled by everyone else’s wants and not my own needs.

Stay in the flat with your family and let them come to you wishing you a safe delivery x

Giespeace · 04/10/2020 11:26

My grandparents have been dead 5 years and my mum can still hardy bear to be in their house to visit her brother there. So she doesn’t. He goes to her or they meet up elsewhere, because she is his sister and he loves her and wants to see her.
Your grief is as valid as your dads and sisters. Your baby isn’t a consolation prize. You shouldn’t be guilt tripped into doing something that you feel will be upsetting, and it’s so unfair of your sister to add this layer of BS on top of your shared grief and first time mum excitement and nerves.

PinkiOcelot · 04/10/2020 11:32

OP I’m so sorry for this loss of your lovely mum.
Try not to stress too much about Christmas now. We don’t know what we’re going to be allowed to do. We might not be able to see anyone outside of our households or we might be able to see everyone.
Anyway, how I got through the firsts after I lost my dad was to tell myself it’s just another day to get through. Christmas is just another day. His birthday was just another day etc. Those days just passed the same as any other. Try not to put too much emphasis on the day xx

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