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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gardener hugged me

88 replies

BlackbirdFirst · 03/10/2020 20:58

I have two gardeners per fortnight and they kept coming through lockdown. They work for a company, who emailed all about covid precautions etc.

Yesterday, it was pissing it down the whole time. They were finished and having a biscuit in their van but I had to get my car past. So I went and knocked on window. One of them came out, soaked through and gave me an enormous bear hug.

All wet, smelled of biscuit and no mask. His mate in the van had a mask on and just shook his head.

First guy said "oh no, sorry I couldn't help it. I'm embarrassed now".

Hes quite a vulnerable man I think - he lives in a tent and is stick thin.

Not going to mention it to his boss, but ianbu am I to think this isn't on?

OP posts:
MasksGlovesSoapScrubs · 03/10/2020 23:28

@markzuckerbergsgreytshirt

Of course, silly me - this is indeed huge.

How can we help you through this traumatic ordeal?

No need for the sarcasm. I don't like to be touched at all and if anyone did that to me I'd punch them straight in the throat.
Fatmermaid · 03/10/2020 23:30

I'd echo the poster who raised concerns about his welfare. If he's living in a tent and very thin, could it be he's not being paid adequately. This is what modern slavery looks like. Dodgy people prey on vulnerable people, often those who are homeless as they tend to not have a support network to protect them from exploitation.
It might not look like it immediately, but it goes on everywhere, even in sleepy villages. British nationals are in the top three nationalities who are victims of modern slavery in the uk

YoureRight · 03/10/2020 23:36

What do you want people to say to you, OP?

CustardySergeant · 03/10/2020 23:37

"Yes I'm sure his colleague said something."

Why are you sure? Did you hear him?

VestaTilley · 03/10/2020 23:40

Can you define vulnerable in this case?

It’s not ok behaviour at all, but only you can know whether you think it’s worth him getting in trouble with his boss for/losing your business over.

heartlikepaper · 03/10/2020 23:42

if you dont want to report him you need to set really clear boundaries about his role in your life and professionalism. Hugging you and talking like that about your daughter is inappropriate at least, and could be concerning. i get that you have compassion for his vulnerabilities but if you arent clear on boundaries you could become the vulnerable one.

BameChange123 · 04/10/2020 05:13

The business owner could always avoid sending this man to households with women and children. OP you could always ask whether they employ CRB / DBS checked workers and whether they have a safeguarding policy?

IMHO he may actually be a self-employed worker working "for" the company. Quite a few ex-offenders become self-employed because of previous, can't get a regular employment

Laureline · 04/10/2020 05:31

After that comment about your daughter, I would not have him back in my house. And the hug was not ok either.

lunalulu · 04/10/2020 05:32

@Laureline

After that comment about your daughter, I would not have him back in my house. And the hug was not ok either.
This.
Imissmoominmama · 04/10/2020 05:54

Kiss her to death is a weird saying, but I remember my mum once saying ‘I love her to death’ about a child. I told Mum I hated that expression and she said it had been a common saying where she grew up in a small village in Wales.

thickerthanawhaleomlette · 04/10/2020 05:56

I'm assuming you've shared this and the comment regarding your child because despite wanting to dismiss it as a non-event, it is niggling at you. I'm also going to assume his living circumstances is because he rejected society and not the other way round and that what his colleague said to him wasn't 'hyuk hyuk, nice one'.

Your gardener doesn't have the common decency not to hug someone when he's drenched, the awareness of requisite distancing during a pandemic and the social skills on how to comport himself. You don't have to contact his boss about it if you think he might get into trouble.

Because I'd second all everyone said about this spacey, vulnerable, not all there, man-child's welfare not being your responsibility. Your family's health and safety, however, is. Supposes he pushes the boundaries more. If he kisses you next time instead - this sickly figure whose health you know nothing about? What if your daughter is the recipient of this and further 'affection' or 'gratitude' instead? If some kind act of kindness by her makes him unable to help himself?

Could you not perhaps request a different gardener?

Rubyupbeat · 04/10/2020 06:18

He sounds sad and socially awkward, not knowing situations. As for the 'kissing your daughter to death' it could be a saying in his family or area for a cute child. Where I was brought up, when a chunky baby was seen, folks would say 'oh, so gorgeous I want to squeeze him, (or bite those legs) .
No one would have done.
It's good this guy has a job, I really hope hes not being exploited.

FunDragon · 04/10/2020 07:53

@thickerthanawhaleomlette has it bang on.

I don’t know why there are all these snarky comments like ‘what do you want us to say’. Clearly OP feels uncomfortable, she wants to dismiss these incidents as nothing but can’t quite manage it, and has turned for MN for other people’s take on it. That’s quite a common reaction because as women we are socialised to be nice and accept weird behaviour from men. FWIW OP, you don’t have to be nice to/pay men who make you feel uncomfortable.

And the sarky comment about it being an ordeal - OP never claimed it was an ordeal. But a man who works for her has touched her in a way she doesn’t like and also made a comment she doesn’t like about her daughter. She doesn’t have to accept it.

speakout · 04/10/2020 07:57

OP don't allow people to hug you without permission.

If they get too glose for comfort and don't hear your refusal swifty lift your knee to the testiculars.

Aridane · 04/10/2020 07:59

Him being vulnerable is perhaps a bit of a red herring. Just because someone may be vulnerable doesn’t give them carte Blanche to behave inappropriately

WearyandBleary · 04/10/2020 07:59

My builders have been like this too!! I don’t normally mind but Covid wise it’s grim! I’ve been ducking and diving to avoid their hugs. :/

It’s normal here in my part of the country. I’ve had it loads. It’s meant nicely.

Goslowlysideways · 04/10/2020 08:04

I think him possibly losing his job is more serious so I would keep my mouth shut.
Why does he live in a tent? Is he being paid a fair wage?
Why is he so thin? I would tell him very directly he isn’t to hug you or kiss your daughter.
Then I would make him some sandwiches or soup and try and figure out what’s going on with his housing.
He is clearly vulnerable and needs looking out for.

trunumber · 04/10/2020 09:07

It really isn't OP's job to get to bottom of the problems of a man who is inappropriate with her.

SteveArnottsbeadyeyes · 04/10/2020 09:14

People are being incredibly obtuse. Yes he’s likely a drug addict or ex drug addict (rife in the profession ) and yes that can make someone vulnerable but not necessarily a good fit for a family home.

OP you can choose to speak to the company. Or- and this will depend on your set up - keep well away. I used to have gardeners and literally only ever spoke to them once every few months.

Fairyfalls · 04/10/2020 09:14

Vulnerable man living in a tent. Could this be modern day slavery. We all make mistakes this is one of them perhaps forgive and move on if you can. There may be a bigger picture here with this company you are using though.

user1471565182 · 04/10/2020 09:18

I know so many ex drug users like this who become completely childlike. I know its not really on, id maybe speak to his workmate and ask its kept between you as it also isnt on him losing his job.

user1471565182 · 04/10/2020 09:18

Self employed or casual gardening is a very common job for them as well.

BreatheAndFocus · 04/10/2020 09:54

Why should the OP be making him soup and sandwiches?? Perhaps he’s being paid properly and spending all his money on drugs or previous drug debts? Perhaps he didn’t choose to live off-grid in a tent but was evicted? Who knows?

He’s behaved inappropriately (it sounds like he might have a ‘thing’ for you and has clearly been thinking too much about you); he’s made a creepy comment about your DD; and he’s generally weird.

I’d be speaking to the gardening company and asking that he’s not sent again. Nip this in the bud right now.

Suzi888 · 04/10/2020 09:58

Just get another gardener. Confused

Bikingbear · 04/10/2020 10:06

Honestly I'd report for modern slavery let the authorities investigate.
If all is fine and the tent is a lifestyle choice then I'd look for another gardener for next summer. We are coming to the end to gardening season this year.