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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gardener hugged me

88 replies

BlackbirdFirst · 03/10/2020 20:58

I have two gardeners per fortnight and they kept coming through lockdown. They work for a company, who emailed all about covid precautions etc.

Yesterday, it was pissing it down the whole time. They were finished and having a biscuit in their van but I had to get my car past. So I went and knocked on window. One of them came out, soaked through and gave me an enormous bear hug.

All wet, smelled of biscuit and no mask. His mate in the van had a mask on and just shook his head.

First guy said "oh no, sorry I couldn't help it. I'm embarrassed now".

Hes quite a vulnerable man I think - he lives in a tent and is stick thin.

Not going to mention it to his boss, but ianbu am I to think this isn't on?

OP posts:
Goosefoot · 03/10/2020 22:04

Well yes, it does sound like he might be vulnerable, and it wasn't the best thing to do, but I daresay the other guy has already spoken to him, and if you call his company he'll just be vulnerable and unemployed.

If I felt really compelled to make sure someone said something to him, I might mention to his work companion that you didn't much like it.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2020 22:06

What is your reason for posting, op ?

Original poster
BlackbirdFirst · 03/10/2020 22:06

Yes I'm sure his colleague said something.
Maybe vulnerable was the wrong word. Hes more like he has done too many class A drugs and his mechanism has gone.

OP posts:
Bikingbear · 03/10/2020 22:07

Vulnerable, stick thin, living in a tent, Hmm
Do you think he could be a victim of modern slavery?

It does sound like he needs some support.
It's the covid bit that would bother me. However in non covid times a kindly gent gave me 10 mins of his time and I ended up giving him a friendly hug as I said goodbye I was so grateful for the help he'd just given me.

Comefromaway · 03/10/2020 22:07

It sounds very likely he has some kind of SEN or even early onset dementia (mil started with it in her early 60’s & has no concept of social distancing).

It’s still not acceptable and his company need to know so they can put things on place to prevent this kind of thing happening again.

jessstan1 · 03/10/2020 22:21

It's not on at all. He will get into real trouble if he goes around invading people's space in that way. Someone else may not be as kind as the op and report him for sexual assault.

To be honest, it was a weird thing to do and the other man in the van obviously thought so too as he shook his head at you. Hopefully the other guy will have a strong word in his ear.

Be careful.

Gladysthesphinx · 03/10/2020 22:35

Is this serious?

Your body is your personal space. Nobody gets to touch it without your say so (unless it’s a medical emergency & they’re a medic).

And that comment about your daughter is not one that should be made by an adult man. It’s really not appropriate.

Do you feel that by refusing this contact, asserting your boundaries, you would be being unpleasant? If so what do you think feeds into this? Is it mean of women to reject unwanted physical contact with men?

I would absolutely not have this company back again to garden for me- because my body is mine and no bloody man gets to rush up & hug me without consent, whether he lives in a tent or a palace, whether he’s fried his mind on class A drugs or is a nuclear physicist. I’d be cancelling the arrangement immediately & looking for another gardener. Because my body is mine! I am not some guy’s comfort blanket, whatever his problems.

I would also consider telling the company why. That’s not such an easy decision. But (a) if he carries on doing this he may destroy their business and (b) I would be worried about him doing this to other women & - given the comment about your daughter- to girls. If he hugged an 8 year old, for instance, would she even know she could complain? Would she see him as a trusted adult, if he works in her parents’ garden? There’s huge potential here for behaviour that is at best inappropriate.

Sorry OP the more I think about it the more I really don’t think this guy should be going to people’s houses - and also that you need to tell the gardening company what happened.

Slightlybrwnbanana · 03/10/2020 22:41

Bye bye gardener. It's not your job to sort out whatever issues he is experiencing, just because you have a vagina.

Mother2princess · 03/10/2020 22:45

Just request he doesn’t come back ? Don’t see point in posting about it

markzuckerbergsgreytshirt · 03/10/2020 22:48

Of course, silly me - this is indeed huge.

How can we help you through this traumatic ordeal?

Conquered · 03/10/2020 22:51

Tell him it wasn't acceptable, he keeps it strictly professional or isn't to come back.

What more can you do 🤦🏽‍♀️

oakleaffy · 03/10/2020 22:54

@Emma330912

Can I ask how you know he lives in a tent op? I know it may be a big leap but the fact you said he was vulnerable, lives in a tent, highly emotional when he talks to you & is 'stick thin' makes me feel it could be a safe guarding issue? I know it's unlikely, but I've read somewhere of people using vulnerable people to work for them for nothing or next to that, has he said anything or has any other interaction given you cause for concern? Although I have had a rough week so probably overthinking this!
You are not wrong to think this.

Sadly drug addicts were used as ''slaves'' by a very unpleasant gang to do people's patios and drives. {Was in the press after one of the 'slaves' was found murdered}

The stick thin and tent thing worried me too... WHY is he living in a tent and working?

I'd be asking questions of the 'boss'.

If the young man is using certain drugs it could make his boundaries slip a bit.

Peanutbutteryogurt · 03/10/2020 22:57

markzuckerbergsgreytshirt

Everything okay? Is there a reason you're such a prick or do you genuinely just think it's fine for men to touch women whenever they please because they 'can't help themselves'?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2020 22:57

I would be hiring new gardeners. Immediately. Hugging you like that is completely unacceptable and his comment about your daughter is creepy as fuck. Good riddance.

oakleaffy · 03/10/2020 22:58

@BlackbirdFirst

Yes I'm sure his colleague said something. Maybe vulnerable was the wrong word. Hes more like he has done too many class A drugs and his mechanism has gone.
If he has ''Chosen'' the tent thing, and isn't a 'slave' like the other poor Souls were in the court case, then it is different.

He doesn't sound like his boundaries are in place...Surely he knows not to talk about kissing an 8 year old.

Maybe find another gardener.

trunumber · 03/10/2020 23:04

What are these ridiculous comments about "why post this?"

Why post anything that we post on MN, most of it (more so than this thread) is meaningless shite Hmm

If people didn't post, MN wouldn't exist

CausingChaos2 · 03/10/2020 23:10

I wouldn’t have him back. Regardless of COVID, he shouldn’t be touching you like that.

yeOldeTrout · 03/10/2020 23:15

I think you'll find a kind way to tell him please not to do that again, OP.
We haven't met him but it sounds like he's harmless. So be kind.

Slightlybrwnbanana · 03/10/2020 23:19

She doesn't need to be "kind" ffs, no one should be hugging you if you don't want it

Saz12 · 03/10/2020 23:23

From the OP it doesn’t seem like she feels threatened by him, no sense of him coming across as “creepy” so much as clueless. Poor social skills, inability to read social cues, impulsive, poor choice of language (kissing DD comments). I don’t know how you’d know he doesn’t have some sort of additional support need including ASD.

Could you speak to him directly next time, giving really clear instructions as to what behaviour you want from him: eg “I don’t want you to hug me or touch me in any way. I don’t want you to talk about kissing, hugging, cuddling or touching me or my daughter. I don’t like it when you do or say those things, but I do like speaking to you and having you here”.

Are you sure that he is getting his salary and not being influenced by someone else? It does seem like he could be vulnerable to exploitation as his behaviour is off, and his choice of lifestyle doesn’t match up with his job somehow (why would he work as a gardener for private individuals if he disliked materialism so much?).

percheron67 · 03/10/2020 23:23

What is a Space Cadet? Baby Astronaut?

CSIblonde · 03/10/2020 23:23

I'd be careful he's not getting a bit obsessed as you've been kind to him. Why the random need to hug you when you're just going about your business. It's socially inept & along with that he may also misread social cues about what's inappropriate so I'd be really careful ,both re your daughter & your own safety.

markzuckerbergsgreytshirt · 03/10/2020 23:24

@Peanutbutteryogurt

markzuckerbergsgreytshirt

Everything okay? Is there a reason you're such a prick or do you genuinely just think it's fine for men to touch women whenever they please because they 'can't help themselves'?

Oh stop it. Don't put words in my mouth, I haven't said nor implied that it's fine for men to touch women whenever they please. Of course that's never okay.

I'm not going to stoop to your level and call you a prick; it's clearly gone over your head if you didn't understand what I meant by a non event on this post about catching Covid.

Maybe I should be asking if you're okay as you're so easily riled Hmm

MasksGlovesSoapScrubs · 03/10/2020 23:25

@BlackbirdFirst

He also said a while ago he could kiss my daughter to death for talking to him about butterflies. She is 8 and I sort of knew he meant it was adorable, but it sounded bad.
Nah, he'd never be coming back.
Aridane · 03/10/2020 23:27

OP - sorry you’ve had Some cunty Saturday evening responses .

Tell the company and don’t have the gardener back

The behaviour would be unacceptable even absent a pandemic