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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child travelling for contact

67 replies

ohnonora · 02/10/2020 13:50

I am going to be deliberately vague just so this is hopefully a balanced opinion you give.

Children aged 10 and 8.

Non resident parent lives 200 miles/ 4 hour drive (on a good Friday night run) away.

Contact is EOW.

AIBU in thinking it's unfair that the kids have to travel and the non resident parent should at least alternate between staying near the kids (financially and physically practical in their position) one weekend and month and the kids doing the travelling on the other weekend in the month?

Is it reasonable for the kids to travel nearly 10 hours round trip for less than 48 hours of contact?

Again, apologies for being vague!

OP posts:
Soapysoap · 02/10/2020 14:13

Who moved away?

Strongswans · 02/10/2020 14:18

Who moved away? That plays a big part in this?

WhoseThatGirl · 02/10/2020 14:20

That seems like a long distance to travel EOW could you arrange contact so they are with the non resident parent for longer periods during the holidays?

ummnamechange · 02/10/2020 14:22

This may be unpopular but its fair that they should see as much of the non resident partner as possible. Asking them to stay in hotels etc is eroding that. That is unfair.

Its probavly holidays as well.

As resident parent you should facilitate contact as much as possible

ummnamechange · 02/10/2020 14:23

who moved away doesnt matter a jot. They may have to move for work, housing. All irrelevent.

Soapysoap · 02/10/2020 14:26

It's not irrelevant at all. If my ex moved 200 miles away he would have to come to us to see DD. However if I had moved that distance I would make the trip whenever she wanted to go. Even for an hour. You should think about the child before you move. Not later when relationships become inconvenient.

BeyondsConstantBangingHeadache · 02/10/2020 14:26

EoW is not practical with that distance, especially at the age where they are going to begin wanting to see their friends (obviously post-Covid). My ex moved that sort of distance, and we all just had to accept that the DCs couldn't visit that often. Luckily ex has now moved back to the area and we are back to 50:50.

OverTheRubicon · 02/10/2020 14:28

@ummnamechange

who moved away doesnt matter a jot. They may have to move for work, housing. All irrelevent.
Who moved away is absolutely relevant, and why. If a parent chose to move away for a non-negotiable reason that supports the children's lives (unable to find a job locally, schooling reasons, medical issues that couldn't be properly addressed etc) then it was essentially a family choice and should be shared. If it was more personal, like career advancement, wanting to be closer to family, a new partner, a fresh start, a place they've always loved... Those are all totally valid reasons to move but are ultimately for the benefit of the person themselves and shouldn't require the other parent or ideally the children to undertake onerous travel.
StoneColdBitch · 02/10/2020 14:29

YABU. If the NRP has contact at their house EOW, it's much easier for the kids to feel "settled" than if they only visit the house once a month and they spend the other weekend at a hotel.

What the NRP does with their contact time is not up to the RP, unless there are genuine safeguarding issues. You risk coming across as controlling, and as if you're trying to micromanage the NRP's contact time, if you suggest this hotel plan.

ummnamechange · 02/10/2020 14:32

@soapysoap - you may chose to agree that - but if it went to court the judge would say - "EOW, meet halfway, make it work. "

If you try anything along the lines of " you moved away - you come and get" i can assure you, that you will rapidly learn the meaning of short and shrift.

nosswith · 02/10/2020 14:34

An alternative would be one week in holidays and less often in term time perhaps? Four hours in a car or train EOW seems unreasonable to me.

ummnamechange · 02/10/2020 14:37

@OverTheRubicon It may matter in the RP' head or even the NRP head. But it doesnt, People move all the time for lots of reasons.

It will always be seen in the interests of the children to maintain contact. Moving a few hundred miles doesnt matter in that calculation.

All the arguments, have been seen, rehearsed and reviewed hundreds of times. If you cant agree, the court will decide and they will default to half way, share the cost and effort. The judge couldnt care if it was work, an amazing view or if the second coming of christ almighty was the reason.

negomi90 · 02/10/2020 14:37

My mum moved with me 3 hours away. My dad did most of the journeys to come and get me. 12hours in a car + a weekend was still far less parenting then she did. It wasn't EOW it was more like every 3/4 weeks, with flexibility on both sides.
I actually loved those journeys, some of my happiest memories with him are of stories/music/chats in the car and at motorway service stations. I also loved the weekends with him. I happily continued into my teens and at uni.

ineedaholidaynow · 02/10/2020 14:38

I thought on many similar threads most posters have said that the parent who moved away has been told that travelling for contact is their responsibility

Ohalrightthen · 02/10/2020 14:40

[quote ummnamechange]@soapysoap - you may chose to agree that - but if it went to court the judge would say - "EOW, meet halfway, make it work. "

If you try anything along the lines of " you moved away - you come and get" i can assure you, that you will rapidly learn the meaning of short and shrift.[/quote]
Not in my experience- several similar situations in my circle, every single time "you moved away, you come and get" is exactly what the parent who moved has been told by the judge.

ummnamechange · 02/10/2020 14:43

@ineedaholidaynow - ah but told by whom?

If you really cant agree - you will end up in mediation, if that doesn't work - it will be a contact order with the court. the court just isnt interested in the why's and wherefores. If there is contact - and the parents cannot agree - the judge will default to shared.

ummnamechange · 02/10/2020 14:51

A S8 order under the childrens act will go into sufficient detail. However, this is a court of appearances. The behaviour of both parties will determine the outcome. Refusing to agree at early stages will generate an intervention by CAFCASS. They will look for the best interests of the kids. Not your, or anyone else's interpretation - but theirs.

Advice - for what its worth - meet half way - try and agree any alternatives. Be reasonable, document your suggestions. I can guarantee that refusing to discuss it and insisting that the other party do all the travelling will not look good.

oopsiedaisy2 · 02/10/2020 14:52

Yabu I travelled around 2 hours on a Friday and 2 hours back on a Sunday to stay with me NRP but it didn't last because they didn't want to travel any more - I would have preferred to travel than only see them twice a year in big holidays .

laudete · 02/10/2020 14:53

It doesn't sound like quality contact time to me... but, it depends if it genuinely suits the kids. If they don't mind the epic EOW journeys and spending most of the contact time asleep, I guess that is fine and we are all different. I'd only raise an issue if the kids were unhappy with the arrangement. The contact time is for the kids' benefit. It doesn't matter if the RP personally dislikes road trips. (If the kids are happy, it also doesn't matter if the NRP dislikes road trips.)

ImSleepingBeauty · 02/10/2020 15:01

YANBU, I think they travel once the parent travels once.
A better balance for all.

Nottherealslimshady · 02/10/2020 15:15

I dont think OP is concerned for their own travel but for that of the kids. Finishing school then being in a car 4 hours and 2 days later being in a car 4 hours again is shit. Who ever moved away should have thought about that before moving. They do need regular contact with both parents though so I dont see how it could be fixed. Non resident parents visiting wouldn't really be the same.

Original poster
ohnonora · 02/10/2020 16:20

I specifically didn't go into who moved away because it's very easy to bash one side and be swayed by that information when actually it's not something that is generally considered in legal proceedings like this.

For the record, the DF moved away to be with his affair partner but that was years ago hence it not really being relevant now.

Holidays is 50% and the children go to his house and make the journey.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohnonora · 02/10/2020 16:22

To clarify the travelling is an issue because he picks them up at 4, having driven 4/5 hours here, then drives back and with stops they don't get there until about 8/9. Then they spend the Saturday there, leave for home at 7am to get home for midday ish.

I'm just looking for perspectives as we are trying to work on a new agreement.

OP posts:
Soapysoap · 02/10/2020 16:28

Tbh then I'd suggest he visits, does day trips and then has them over half of the school holidays

Afibtomyboy · 02/10/2020 16:31

Sounds bloody awful

But strongly doubt he’s going to went to get accommodation.

You could offer up your house once a month so the children stay in own environment. Then you stay with a friend or something

Far from ideal but as a single parent... I sometimes suck up hassle and inconvenience for the sake of the children

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