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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child travelling for contact

67 replies

ohnonora · 02/10/2020 13:50

I am going to be deliberately vague just so this is hopefully a balanced opinion you give.

Children aged 10 and 8.

Non resident parent lives 200 miles/ 4 hour drive (on a good Friday night run) away.

Contact is EOW.

AIBU in thinking it's unfair that the kids have to travel and the non resident parent should at least alternate between staying near the kids (financially and physically practical in their position) one weekend and month and the kids doing the travelling on the other weekend in the month?

Is it reasonable for the kids to travel nearly 10 hours round trip for less than 48 hours of contact?

Again, apologies for being vague!

OP posts:
lyralalala · 02/10/2020 16:35

Obviously depends on each individual situation, but a friend of mine does EOW with long distances.

One weekend he collects the kids Friday and takes them back to his. Bringing them back late Sunday evening. Then the next one he picks them up 8am Saturday morning and they go out for the day, then stay over in a Premier Inn (the kids love it!), go out Sunday morning for a while and then he drops them off.

Every now and again when a nicer hotel locally with a pool has special offers on they stay there and instead of going out for the day Saturday they spend the day playing in the pool.

Why do they leave there at 7am on the Sunday? Surely better to leave at lunchtime, back for 4pm and then Dad is home for 8pm?

RightOnTheEdge · 02/10/2020 16:41

It sounds terrible but I guess it depends on the dc.
It would be a nightmare for mine, they are terrible travellers and get travel sick doing short journeys. They dread getting in cars.

sunshinesheila · 02/10/2020 16:48

Depends on the children. We drive a lot of miles, will think nothing of going off for a weekend like you describe and my 2 are fine with this. We enjoy it actually. I am always surprised tho when I have extra kids who can't seem to be more than a hour in the car without loads of carrying on.

ummnamechange · 02/10/2020 17:21

what not drive halfway and meet. He has a lot less driving to do and thus less tired - kids get a easier stress free journey and then meet again on the Sunday evening. Lot less driving all round and kids get more time with each parent

skittycat · 02/10/2020 18:01

I think YABU (based on my experience)

My parents split up when I was 7 and my father moved approximately the same distance away as what you have stated. He would collect us on a Friday, drive us to his home and then bring us back on the Sunday. This was either every two or three weeks.

For me, the fact that we went to his home regularly made me feel like I was more included in his life even though we didn't live with him. We just read on the journeys, or chatted or played games and the time soon passed.

What do your children think? Do they enjoy going to his house and are they bothered by the journey?

Original poster
ohnonora · 02/10/2020 18:44

The children don't want to go which was kind of why I posted today.

We have tried half way as a family member offered accommodation there but ExH insists they go the full way to his instead.

I've suggested on a 4 week rolling basis, it's my weekend, he takes them to his, my weeekend, he stays local to the kids, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohnonora · 02/10/2020 18:45

One of the kids gets very travel sick. My ExH even text me last time saying please can I not feed the kids for 6 hours prior to travel so they don't puke.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 02/10/2020 19:02

Doesn’t matter what the parents think at this age the dc will vote with their feet. If the dc are unhappy with the current set up given their ages you won’t be able to continue for much longer.

Original poster
ohnonora · 02/10/2020 19:23

@frazzledasarock

Doesn’t matter what the parents think at this age the dc will vote with their feet. If the dc are unhappy with the current set up given their ages you won’t be able to continue for much longer.
That's become apparent today. I've seen it a while, I just hope ExH acts on it accordingly.
OP posts:
MeridianB · 02/10/2020 19:28

@ohnonora

One of the kids gets very travel sick. My ExH even text me last time saying please can I not feed the kids for 6 hours prior to travel so they don't puke.
Nice to see he’s putting his children's needs first. Not!

This is shocking. What an arse!

Conquered · 02/10/2020 20:05

That doesn't sound like a great situation, but at least he is seeing his kids still.

Hope you manage to find a workable solution, because this won't work as school gets harder and they get older.

combatbarbie · 02/10/2020 20:11

Why are they leaving at 7am on the Sunday? I wouldn't expect them back til 6/7pm

Original poster
ohnonora · 02/10/2020 20:33

@combatbarbie

Why are they leaving at 7am on the Sunday? I wouldn't expect them back til 6/7pm
Because he wants to be back home again by 3pm ish for his other kids
OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 02/10/2020 20:59

I have a similar issue. I've repeatedly offered the nrp my house and offered to contribute to accommodation but he's insistent he won't do that and the kids MUST be in his house. They are similar age to the OPs and are starting to strongly object to the travelling..mostly because their lives are here. They miss things at the weekends. His refusal to do one weekend near them is based 100% on his preference and not theirs. Circumstances do dictate that sometimes long distance moves are necessary, but given that the RP does 99% of all the actual parenting, I don't think they should be obligated to also do 50% of the travelling and the children should certainly be saved from it if possible.

Heidi1976 · 02/10/2020 21:27

A friend of my husbands has a long distance relationship with his children. He travels to them every few weeks and stays nearby in an AirBnB. It's a bit more homely than a hotel and like a little holiday for the children. The parents then meet halfway for the holidays that are split and they stay with him. They deemed this to be best for the children.

MileyWiley · 02/10/2020 21:33

Who moved away matters a lot.

At 8 and 10 the arrangement won't last much longer anyway as a high school child won't want to keep it up every other weekend not seeing their friends.

I don't think it's fair for the kids to travel that much eow

Notanotherwooname · 02/10/2020 21:33

Well it’s shit for the kids, but I don’t see how you solve it. My teens have been going 70 miles to their dad’s EOW for the last decade and they’re thoroughly sick of it. I dread to think what three times that must be like!

Notanotherwooname · 02/10/2020 21:35

Oh and I moved, for work, and me and ex have always shared the journey (he picks up, I bring back) and he’s not even a very reasonable fella!

HugeAckmansWife · 02/10/2020 22:24

Who moved doesn't matter in the OPs scenario. She's talking about the kids travelling, not who does the driving. It's, easy to pass it between the parents but if there's a solution that means the kids don't have to travel too much, that's the one to pick

Original poster
ohnonora · 03/10/2020 05:08

You seem to completely get where I'm at, thank you @HugeAckmansWife

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 03/10/2020 07:50

I pretty much could have written your op. Hope you have more success with your ex than I'm having

randomsabreuse · 03/10/2020 08:02

I really resented EOW contact when I got to about 12/13 as it meant I couldn't do any of the activities I really wanted (Saturday morning music school especially) as I had to travel. Also general social life.

Plus long journeys and feeling sick really out pressure on with homework once that kicks in as you lose 8 hours of peak homework time plus the time after the journey feeling too crap to read and concentrate!

Freddiefox · 03/10/2020 08:48

Wow those poor children. This is something I dread with my own and I can see if happening one day. Mine would not want to travel for the that amount of time all at. Who does the travelling is irrelevant really if they children don’t want to.

FlatandFabulous · 03/10/2020 08:51

Sorry but 10 and 8 are too young to vote with their feet. They are children. As parents it is up to you both to make it work, the kids have a right to a relationship with both their parents and annoying as it is, I am not minimizing that, one of your jobs as their mum is to facilitate that.

Your current arrangement is not working so I would suggest trying mediation.

MrsPussinBoots · 03/10/2020 09:22

@ohnonora I'm in exactly the same situation as you and my ex agreed to visit our town every other weekend and stay in a hotel with DD. She loves her hotel adventures. Then he has her for a week at xmas and Easter and at least 2 weeks in the summer.

It worked for us (for 5 years so far) but I know I'm very lucky. It probably makes a difference that he felt the travelling was unfair for DD.

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