To f**king hate mornings since DC have gone back to school. AKA why is my 7.5yo so angry all the time?

[CityDweller]

Mornings with DD (7.5, yr 3) are so horrible and I'm at my wits end about how to make them better. She will always, without fail, get really angry at some point during the morning routine. Be it about putting on her uniform ('it's stupid. I hate having to wear uniform'), stopping what she's doing so we can leave the house ('it's not fair, I only got 2 seconds to do X...'), or just at us reminding her what she needs to do ('why are you always so mean to me?').

I know the reason, because this has only been an issue since she's been back at school - she loved her morning routine in lockdown/ holidays - loads of time to get up slowly (she likes reading in bed in the mornings), eat a leisurely breakfast, get on with the eleventybillion projects she always has on the go and generally set her own agenda for the day.

But I don't know what to do to make it better. We've tried it all: getting up earlier; setting various alarms with 'fun' ringtones on my phone so she knows when it's time to get up/ put shoes on/ etc; sticker charts to earn rewards she really wants; taking away TV in the afternoons if she gets angry in the morning. NOTHING WORKS. It's like she's subconsciously picking fights so that we get cross with her so that she can then get indignant/ upset that we're so horrible to her.

We sat down and had a long chat about it over the weekend (i.e. when no one was cross) and thought we'd come up with a good solution that we were all happy with. But it hasn't worked because this morning ended up in another row. She's so flipping unreasonable and nothing we say seems to make her understand that it is within her power to make mornings nicer for everyone.

So, wise mumsnetters. Tips?

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I'm still going through this with my yr 6 DD. Sometimes she's ok but the last 2 morning have both culminated in a 24 hour ban from screen time. It was an absolute s* show this morning. She was in tears all the way to school saying we are mean to her and don't love her. I hate seeing her like that. Felt sick all morning after dropping her off and still feel worn out from it now.

Why not just let her be angry. She is allowed to be annoyed that she can't do what she wants in the mornings. I would have found her saying the alarms weren't working as they were making her angry quite amusing and actually emotionally quite perceptive.

Would it work better to agree certain things with her that need t be done by a certain time and is she kicks oss and is angry just say, yeas I know it is irritating but if you don't get up now, you will be late for school and then both you and I will be in trouble with school so you need to get up now angry or not.

Her emotional state should be hers to own, her actions though need to conform with what she has agreed to do or is necessary to do

You really are a wise lot!

I don’t know why I get so sucked into her grumps. I know I need to rise above it (and I love your stock responses @WhatIsGinLiqueurAnyway, although DD would still find a way to answer back/ extend the argument - eg if I said ‘it’s my job to torment you’ she’d go off on one about how I shouldn’t want to torment her and why do I want to make her cross, be mean, etc). But yes, more humour needed all round.

YY @bumblingbovine49. Another thing I’m conscious of (letting her feel her feelings), but find so hard to do in the moment.

Gah. Why does parenting never get any easier?!? I honestly find it harder as they get older and more, well, human. So many people’s feelings to navigate all.the.time.

Sorry to hear you had a shitshow morning too @Vik1ng. But it is comforting to know I’m not alone.

My dd was like this. We tried laying down the law / traditional parenting.

It got worse.

After a miserable and extremely rocky few years it turns out she is autistic, and the angry behaviour was anxiety.

The traditional parenting methods we were using were actually damaging for her.

She ended up having a huge mental health crisis and is now out of school entirely. She probably won’t ever go back.

Just another perspective to bear in mind if you think there is any possibility at all, however hidden, that her anger may be more than just anger.

Behaviour is communication.

I have a DD like this. I’m actually looking forward to the next lockdown!

My Mum once actually took me to school in my pyjamas.

I was a terror at primary school, honestly looking back I'm ashamed of what I put her through. It was every fucking morning.

Then, in year five she bundled me into the car and said if you won't get ready we'll go like this then - still in pyjamas, hadn't brushed teeth, bed head etc.

She pulled me from the car and walked me to the front entrance where the receptionist was and then asked did I want to get ready for school or go in like this?

Turns out she'd brought my uniform with her - I got dressed in the toilet as she laughed with Mrs. fucking Evans (I found this out afterwards) and then she told me next time she wouldn't bring my uniform.

Sometimes tough love works because I never kicked off in a morning after that because the threat was always enough. Worth a shot if you've tried everything else, OP?

I could have written your post last year as DD was exactly the same in Y3. Every morning was a battle and I walked on eggshells trying not to set her off... We had a couple of mornings where she was hysterical at the school gate, refusing to go in and I'd have to literally drag her in crying and screaming! It was awful

This year, I was dreading her going back to school. I was convinced she would be exactly the same, finding something to complain about or cry over every morning....

However, I have been pleasantly surprised to find her more than willing, every morning, to get up and get dressed. We've had no tears at all and only 1 time has she uttered that she doesn't want to go to school. ONCE!!! Its actually some sort of miracle!!

I'm convinced it has to do with her having a different class teacher. In Y3 she had a female teacher who was at retirement age, and apparently spent most lessons shouting at the children (one little girl ended up with an eating disorder and had to have therapy due to this teacher constantly shouting at them all).

But this year she has a male teacher, who is much younger and far more engaged with the children, which I believe has made the world of difference for DD - she's even voluntarily doing homework!!!!

OP - have you spoken to school about your DD's behaviour? Is there anything they can help with? It's worth a conversation at least

I do hope you manage to find a solution, as there's nothing worse than a battle every morning, it's exhausting

@FooFighter99 No - I haven't spoken to the school. Although perhaps I should. I anyway need to talk to them about something else, so I can bring this up at the same time.

By all accounts she loves her new teacher (also a man and relatively young). He makes them laugh. It really doesn't seem as if there are any major issues at school - she just finds it a bit boring and sometimes is fed up when other children don't want to play her game. But they all seem to get on well in her class and it's a nice, small school. But your story makes me wonder if there is something up...

(p.s. glad to hear it's better for your DD this year)

[quote CityDweller]@FooFighter99 No - I haven't spoken to the school. Although perhaps I should. I anyway need to talk to them about something else, so I can bring this up at the same time.

By all accounts she loves her new teacher (also a man and relatively young). He makes them laugh. It really doesn't seem as if there are any major issues at school - she just finds it a bit boring and sometimes is fed up when other children don't want to play her game. But they all seem to get on well in her class and it's a nice, small school. But your story makes me wonder if there is something up...

(p.s. glad to hear it's better for your DD this year)[/quote]
In that case, I hope it's a phase that she grows out of soon! Good luck OP

Thank you City. Hoping we both have a better morning tomorrow 🤞

Wake her at 7, then she can read to herself in bed as she likes to do til 7.30.

Then she has a 30min window to eat breakfast and get dressed (inc shoes, teeth, hair). Then, she gets from 8am til you leave the house to do whatever she wants.

Possibly autistic....on the spectrum.....my son was so much
Ike this...take it easy with her and insist on an assessment for her...be patient

My daughter can be like this and always has been and she’s almost 11!

Not the tantrums but the grumpiness. She’s not a morning person and hates feeling rushed. At times when we it’s been really bad we’ve imposed a consequence after school of no screen time. However, we mostly just try to make sure she gets enough sleep and ignore it. ‘I hate uniforms’ = ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’. You’re mean = ‘Oh goodness’, ‘I’m doing it/ you’re rushing me’ = ‘you have —— minutes before you need to leave’. Also onus on her to explain lateness. Don’t add fuel to the fire.

This morning was less fraught. The ‘let her be angry’ approach helped. Lots of ‘mmhmm’s and ‘yes you do hate the collars on your polo shirts’, etc from me. Although it might just be that it’s Friday - they tend to be easier anyway.

Can you homeschool? It seems it suited her really well. Her eleventybillion projects sound great.

Now lockdown has ended she could socialise in other ways than school.