To delay an IVF transfer to wait for a September due date?

[Snowdayfet]

Hi - would preface this by saying I know this is a very privileged question, so I apologise in advance if people find it trivial or upsetting (those going through infertility treatment may want to give this post a miss).

I have DS (almost 4) and DD (almost 2), both conceived through IVF. We have decided to have one more child, and we have one PGS tested embryo left in the freezer so a good probability of success although of course not guaranteed. We are all ready to go in terms of getting ourselves back into clinic etc, so now the question is whether we transfer next cycle, this would give us a transfer in November, and therefore - all being well - a due date of early August.

One of my friends pointed out that it might be better to wait and transfer to give a September due date as apparently this is better for schools etc. This sounded good, until I realised the flipside is that would be to give a 3 year school gap between my DD and this potential baby which feels logistically more awkward. So: which would you do?

YANBU - yes it’s better to have a September born despite the bigger school year gap
YABU - much better to have them closer in school years, August born isn’t a problem

YANBU. I'd delay. Summer borns are more likely to suffer depression and anxiety, even in adulthood, more likely to be diagnosed with SEN... It can be a considerable disadvantage, particularly with the new curriculum.

You might have a Sept due date then an early birth or a c- section that takes you into August anyway. Having said that, I tutor kids and the August kids do need more help. I actually did plan my kids’ births for Oct and Nov to give them an advantage though DS1 ended up in December and Ds2 ended up being born in September. It does make a difference generally, I think.

Waiting while lockdown restrictions are tightening doesn't feel a particularly sensible thing to do if you're worried about a gap - how would you feel if it got to December and fertility clinics were closed again? Is it worth risking an additional 6 months wait for the sake of maybe getting a September born over an August born?

YANBU. I have a summer born and delayed ttc the second for September birthday. My eldest would be much better off in the year below

We had ivf too and had two little dds!

Go for it now. My eldest Dd ( not ivf) was born in august and it never impacted her learning in any way. She’s 25 now and flys around the world in her career.

Don’t go off what’s better for schools go off what’s better for your family.

And good luck on your next cycle!

Are factors like your age a consideration in deciding, or are you a relative youth?

@FourPlasticRings

YANBU. I'd delay. Summer borns are more likely to suffer depression and anxiety, even in adulthood, more likely to be diagnosed with SEN... It can be a considerable disadvantage, particularly with the new curriculum.

I have a house full of summer borns and this is not true at all

Honestly, I wouldn’t. I think you have to be careful not to get carried away thinking that we all have that much control over our lives. Yes in an ideal world and all that... but we don’t live in an ideal world.

YMMV but my philosophy of life tends towards ‘you do your best but that’s all you can do’ with a healthy dose of ‘man plans, God laughs’.

I wish you all the best either way!

Well, whenever you do it, there is no guarantee that you won't have a premature or overdue baby.

How can anyone else decide if it would be better for you to have them closer in school years or not?

I have a house full of summer borns and this is not true at all

Oh, yes it is. It's one of those things where the statistics don't always marry with your personal experience. You know, like how if your chain-smoking grandma died after being hit by a bus aged 98, that doesn't mean smoking isn't bad for you.

More likely to be diagnosed with SEN:

www.google.com/amp/s/schoolsweek.co.uk/summer-born-pupils-at-a-disadvantage/amp/

www.google.com/amp/s/summerbornchildren.org/2018/05/18/dfes-new-report-on-summer-born-admissions-excludes-sen-benefits/amp/

More likely to suffer depression:

www.google.com/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/education/education-news/summer-born-children-birthday-depression-mental-health-school-a9116801.html%3famp

The research is there.

anecdotally we can all come up with examples of summer borns who have thrived in spite of (or even because of) being the youngest in their school year. but clearly there is overwhelming evidence that autumn borns do better academically and at sports.

I do think YABU though because there is no guarantee that a December transfer (or even a January or February transfer) would give you an autumn baby?

I think if you're all set then maybe just go ahead - who's to say what the next few months will hold - if you miss your chance and we go into lockdown again then IVF services could be put back on hold?

But while those statistics cannot be argued with @FourPlasticRings has the self fulfilling prophecy ever been investigated? In work and volunteering i have done with children i have found parents and some teachers have much lower expectations of summer-borns and they aren't encouraged or pushed as much and the excuse of "oh but they're a young one" constantly.

It is possible that fertility clinics may be forced to close again if covid continues to rise. We only just got through our IVF cycle before all clinics were forced to shut back in March (thankfully it was a successful cycle). Is it worth the gamble?
I also have an August born child via previous IVF so I'm not entirely unbiased though.....

While having a 3+ year age gap now will be a hassle, at the moment the advantage for you when they are older is that if they all go to university you won't have 3 at university at the same time.

The thinking around summer borns annoys me so much. I have a degree and work in finance. Being born in the summer didn’t affect me at all

That’s a good point re clinics closing again - didn’t think of that

Full disclosure - I am an August baby myself (29th!) and was always v academically strong, good at sport etc not disadvantaged - so my anecdata says the opposite to what the overall stats say.

And yes of course they could be v prem but that I can not control for so won’t worry about that. They def won’t be overdue as have had 2 EMCS so will be having a scheduled c section this time if we get that far.

Hmmm.

@DiscombobulatedAf

The thinking around summer borns annoys me so much. I have a degree and work in finance. Being born in the summer didn’t affect me at all

It’s not “thinking”, it’s statistics. As a summer born the statistics show a disadvantage compared to children who are older in the year. It doesn’t apply to every child who is summer born, obviously.

Well done on your degree and finance job. My husband was born end of August and has a double first from Cambridge yet we still planned our second child for the autumn because the stats show they’re more likely to thrive at school.

OP I would hold off if I were you, it’s only 1 month. Not sure why 3 year gap is more logistically difficult than 2?

In the current Covid situation I'd just get on with it while you can.
Plus it means the child finishes school almost a year earlier, which can give them more of an opportunity to have a gap year or take a longer university course without being older than everyone else.

If you're in the uk then i think a 3 year school gap is better than 2 - wait til you've got 2 teenagers doing GSCEs and A-levels at the same time and you'll appreciate a year off! That said, if you pay for childcare then a Sept baby is an extra year of nursery / childminder fees before they start school.

Of course a 3 school years gap is much more difficult logistically than a gap of 2 school years. An extra year of having 1 child at home and the older one at school. Of having children at different schools. Of having one still at home when the others have left home.

if you pay for childcare then a summer born will save you a year of fees... as theyll go to school a whole year earlier...

tbh i would always prefer a september baby however i have one and he suffers terribly with anxiety and other difficulties my summer born does have asd but is much happier at school, so i dont think it really matters...

I’d be worried about clinics closing I have both and I think boys in particular are better off being a bit older but I also think it’s weighing up the fact that it might be put off. I hope my littlest summer born is okay when she gets there.

I have a spring, autumn and summer baby. The autumn child (middle child) is the one who struggles most. I think birth order has much more of an impact. My summer born (and youngest) thrives at school and would be bored in the year below. I would be much more concerned about the possibility of clinics closing due to covid.

I'd avoid the three year gap if it were me. Pure anecdata, but I know a family whose children are all spaced at three year intervals, and I think it's a really difficult gap - the older child is just old enough to really mind a sibling being around, but not old enough to be past the 'threenager' stage.

My oldest was due early October and during my pregnancy everyone told me what a good birthday that would be. Then was born premature and has a late August birthday. He's only 5, so can't comment on long term academic effects, but he seems to be doing ok - I now have a 3 school year gap with my second. Things don't always go to plan, you could still end up with an August baby even if you delayed