To delay an IVF transfer to wait for a September due date?

[Snowdayfet]

Hi - would preface this by saying I know this is a very privileged question, so I apologise in advance if people find it trivial or upsetting (those going through infertility treatment may want to give this post a miss).

I have DS (almost 4) and DD (almost 2), both conceived through IVF. We have decided to have one more child, and we have one PGS tested embryo left in the freezer so a good probability of success although of course not guaranteed. We are all ready to go in terms of getting ourselves back into clinic etc, so now the question is whether we transfer next cycle, this would give us a transfer in November, and therefore - all being well - a due date of early August.

One of my friends pointed out that it might be better to wait and transfer to give a September due date as apparently this is better for schools etc. This sounded good, until I realised the flipside is that would be to give a 3 year school gap between my DD and this potential baby which feels logistically more awkward. So: which would you do?

YANBU - yes it’s better to have a September born despite the bigger school year gap
YABU - much better to have them closer in school years, August born isn’t a problem

@FizzyGreenWater

You can usually defer.... but then they go straight into Year 1 I think, apart from a VERY few local authorities. You usually can't just delay starting Reception.

Over 75% of such requests are granted. You can choose to go straight to year 1 but you can also request to start reception at compulsory school age (5). If they want to refuse this, they have to prove that it's in the kid's best interests to effectively miss EYFS (which they find pretty tough, so of you're determined enough you can usually get the request granted). Some local authorities are worse than others, but some automatically approve requests. They're not allowed to use a blanket 'no' policy and being premature and thus ending up in an earlier school year is a very strong reason for starting reception a year later.

I had ivf for my son. Didn’t think about school until a few months before he was born. I’m in Scotland so it means that children born after 1st March - 28/29 Feb start school in the August. My son was due mid March but I had to have an EMCS and he was born over 3 weeks early. This now puts him at the tail end of his year. In Scotland you can automatically defer children born in the Jan/Feb to the next academic year. Is this something you can do in England/Wales if this was the case?

@Vodkafairy75

Is this something you can do in England/Wales if this was the case?

Not yet in England, but we're fighting for that right. The government have said that they're going to make it an automatic right but are dragging their heels like you wouldn't believe.

Honestly? You dont get to choose when baby is born. We thought we had a "safe" due date of early October for DD, but pregnancy complications meant she arrived with us late August.

I would (on principle) never delay with this stuff. If you know you want the baby get on and have it. School timing is a minor point, if you get there and your child really isnt ready you can defer them a year anyway.

Everyone congratulated us on timing things for a September birthday, and she turned up mid-August. (I also know a couple who skipped a cycle to avoid a January birthday - he was also prem.) We actually weren't that worried, having both been the youngest in our school year and not had problems. In fact, daughter was more than ready for school at 4, and pre-school would not have cut it for another year. It sounds like you were fine being the youngest in your year, so I wouldn't worry.

Oh, and for siblings, my sister and I were 20 months apart in age and 3 years apart in school. The period we got on worst was when I was at secondary and she was at primary; I think she had outgrown primary and rather resented the difference.

I TTCed my youngest knowing they would be a later summer birthday but would have rather that than have them a further school year apart - there was already going to be a sizeable age gap at this point.

I have an autumn born, and three summer born children. I worried about the academic gap a lot, but so far my summer borns are doing fine at school. My year 3 summer born is one of the top in the class. I do think summer borns with older siblings are better prepared.

I thought it already was an automatic right? My daughter started reception a year later (August baby) this was 3 years ago and it appears to be common practice to allow it, at least at my school.

@FourPlasticRings

Not yet in England, but we're fighting for that right. The government have said that they're going to make it an automatic right but are dragging their heels like you wouldn't believe.

That’s a shame that they are dragging their heels about it. I think it’s an excellent idea and I’m sure that many children have benefited from being deferred. Hopefully they get their finger out soon and set it up.

@FourPlasticRings

YANBU. I'd delay. Summer borns are more likely to suffer depression and anxiety, even in adulthood, more likely to be diagnosed with SEN... It can be a considerable disadvantage, particularly with the new curriculum.

Oh wow, can you share the evidence for this so I can take a look?

Summer borne can defer school start till they are 5. Personally I would rather go ahead with the IVF, having a successful pregnancy is much more important then when they start school.

YABU. Half of my children are summer born (July/August), the other half is autumn born (September/October). They all have the same genes and benefited from the same education. Despite nearly one year difference, the two summer borns are significantly outperforming the autumn borns at the same age.

DH has the same birthday as you OP, and has 2 Degrees, a PGCE, a Masters Degree and 4 different industry-related qualifications.

Our eldest DD (13) is summer born too and is top of the year in Maths and Science, so my experience is that it's not a lot to do with when they're born and everything to do with who they are.

I'd go for it, particulalry, as PPs have mentioned, with the possible threat of fertility clinics closing again. Good luck!

I think I'd look at it as to how you would feel if the clinic was closed for a few months- would you be happy to wait and have a longer gap, or just rather get cracking?

@YoBeaches already did upthread.

Children born between May and August can be put into the school year below at the parents discretion. I know someone who had their child in school for two years and then 'held them back' a year so it doesn't always need to be a quick decision either.

On the other hand I'm an August baby who was always top of the class at school with another summer born, there are many exceptions to the statistics.

My ivf twins were born in Aug. I wish I had transferred at a diffent month so they would have been Sept, Oct or Nov babies. School was hard for them at the start as they'd only just turned 4 and one of them is autistic so struggled a little more to especially since lock down caused them to miss 6 months of reception. Not that I am saying hold off in case there is another pandemic, I just wish I'd thought my dates through a little but was so rushing and desperate for a baby so didn't think about it until I was pregnant. Its OK but also carrying twins in a heatwave wasn't fun either! Good luck x

My living son was a fresh transfer in December and was born August 31st. He has just started nursery and there are clear differences between him and the autumn/winterborns, he is bright with advanced development for age (we know this as he was under paediatric neurology but was eventually discharged due to being advanced) but he is socially and emotionally struggling. I want to defer him but can't because we live in Wales and they have a blanket no policy on reception CSA starts, even children with medical problems and Sen can't get reception at CSA in Wales. My youngest son was supposed to be born this october he was a frozen transfer in January. He was tfmr in July as he had severe fetal abnormalities, both my boys are genetically normal both have fetal abnormalities. Clinics may shut so I would go now, I was hoping to go again October/november for a final fresh cycle but can't because I had retained placenta which has only just been sorted out, I am waiting for my first period and then it will be 3 months from then so January unless covid shuts clinics, we may very well miss our chance to try again completely due to covid but there's nothing we can do. A summer birthday and having to start school very very young is better than no child at all. I wish my living son could have held on slightly longer, one hour and 10 mins longer he would be a September born, but atleast we have him.

YABU. DS was due Sept 21, he came in early August anyway. Prematurity is incredibly common.

I really wouldn't bother gambling like this, especially when resources for fertility treatment are thinner on the ground than before, and may get even thinner.

I have IVF twins. No great planning involved- had transfer in Jan - due date was 5/10. Both born 28/8 (6 weeks early) one day after my own birthday. They have just completed GCSE's at a state comp - one got 8 x 9's and 2 x 8's and the other 8 x 7-9 grades plus a sad 6 and 4😉 despite being a year ahead of where they should have been. Anecdotal I know but maybe pulled along to start with by being with children up to a year older and then progressing and thriving under their own steam. There are stats but no one is a stat they are an individual or in my case twins😂.

Not rtft but you can delay starting school with a summer born baby - another option

Thank you all - lots to think about!