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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having to go away with work - WIBU?

66 replies

ItsmineAllmine · 30/09/2020 08:34

Pre lockdown, my role required fairly regular travel. I'd probably be away over night for 1 or 2 nights every 2 or 3 weeks. That's been the case for years, that's just what my job requires.

I'm in a fairly senior position in the company I work for. We have a serious incident unravelling at work just now which I am responsible for dealing with. I had to dial into various crisis team calls this weekend and because I needed to be in one of our offices on Monday morning I had to travel down on Sunday night. I'm also needing to stay away for the next 2 nights.

This is the first time I've been away overnight since January.

My husband is furious with me because I didn't ask him if it was ok for me to go, he thinks I've just assumed he will drop everything to facilitate me going away. I know DHs job is busy at the moment too so I actually contacted my mum and she is taking kids to and from school, and will look after them after school until DH finishes work.

I am under an incredible amount of stress at the moment with work, it's so full on and I've been workkng all hours to get things done. When I got home on Monday night and told DH I'd be away again later in the week, I really just wanted him to give me a cuddle and a little bit of understanding that I'm struggling a bit. I don't want to be away from the kids, but it's my job, I can't not go away.

I've been left feeling totally unsupported but also pissed off because thanks to my mum helping out it's not really putting that much additional pressure on him. But I also feel guilty - felt bad enough I'd be away from kids after being home for so long - but he's made me feel even worse.

Those that travel for work (or whose partners do), how does this dynamic work for you? Am i in the wrong to 'expect' my DH to be on hand when I have to go away? In normal circumstances any trips away are planned in advance, so this current situation is completely different, I rarely (if ever) have been called away at such short notice.

If it makes any difference whatsoever, I'm the main earner.

OP posts:
contrmary · 30/09/2020 08:43

I don't think it's fair to assume that he is there at the drop of a hat. A lot of it is down to the way you ask him rather than tell him. How would you feel if out of the blue he said he was off on a weekend break with his mates? Would you expect there to be a bit of give and take, would you think it would have been polite to check it was ok with you first?

WisestIsShe · 30/09/2020 08:45

I think YANBU because you arranged your mum to cover the extra childcare. Work is work. Is communication between you usually good?

RhymesWithOrange · 30/09/2020 08:47

I think it would have been polite to check and not present it as a fait accompli but I also think that your DH overreacted. Sounds like there's just a lot of stress all round and everyone is lashing out.

freeandfierce · 30/09/2020 08:48

I sympathize. My stbxh worked away 2-3 nights a week, sometimes more. He would never commit to which nights in advance so it was difficult to make plans. I looked after his children as they were living with us. As his wife I gave up career advancement as he needed me to be available, so I only worked part time. He was the main earner but without my support he could never had done the job. I understood this and as his wife felt it was my way of helping us all as a family. It was tough sometimes being left with stepsons who resented dad for not being there plus not being able to have my own social life or career development. What you need right now is support and understanding, it's a rare occurrence as you state and you are under pressure from work. This is when you need the support of your partner it's a partnership at the end of the day. He should use the time to enjoy an evening with his children whilst you are away. I am sure if roles were reversed you would be supportive.

RhymesWithOrange · 30/09/2020 08:49

And no, I don't think it makes any difference who the main earner is. I regularly tell the lesser earner (most often women) that their career and work-life balance is equally important.

Original poster
ItsmineAllmine · 30/09/2020 08:49

@contrmary I think a lads weekend away is different to an essential work trip...I didn't ask him because it's not actually something I can say no to, it's not a choice for me either! I didn't go in there barking orders either, I explained (in a normal way!) that I needed to be away later in the week.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 30/09/2020 08:49

We both normally travel for work, and would have done a quick phone call to check there weren't any plans on the other side before committing. However, at the moment, and for a 'no choice' kind of trip, then we would have just informed the other the next time we spoke.
We don't have any help either, so going away means the other coping solo with their very full on FT job.
Its totally different to booking a fun trip, and especially given a crisis at work. Both dh and I would have delivered a hug, and a don't worry, I'll be fine message

Iloveacurry · 30/09/2020 08:54

He really has nothing to worry about does he? You’ve asked your mum to help so it’s not going to effect his working day!

If it was your DH going away at short notice for work, would he worry about you? You’d probably just get on with it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/09/2020 08:58

I used to travel a lot for my work, like you, only for longer trips (2weeks on average) sometimes with only a few days notice. This coincided with when the children were young too. Unlike you, we had no family nearby to help out.

So even though it’s obvious you have to go and you don’t need his permission, it is not nice to take your partner for granted or just dump the consequences in his lap.

I would tell my DH as soon as I found out about a work trip. The way I would tell him is along lines of “I have to go to away from this date to this date. Will you be ok handling it all, or do we need to get in some support?” DH would usually answer based on how busy his work was that he’d got it, not to worry, or actually he has late meetings on such and such days so we need to hire a babysitter to collect children from school, feed them dinner and care for them until he gets home or we’d call round to friends and children would go to a friends house after school. We’d then divide up the work of setting this support in place. It usually involved him also reworking his work schedule a bit- e.g getting permission to drop children at school and go in a bit late.

Him being part of the process really helped. I know it seems reasonable to just present him with a fait accompli, but most people are resistant to change that is sprung on them with all the decisions taken for them. They like to be part of the process of planning child arrangements while you are gone because they’ll be the ones doing it.

happytoday73 · 30/09/2020 09:01

I don't think it's fair to compare this to him going away for weekend with his mates as that's totally optional.

I think he has got comfy with you being at home. Did he used to moan before covid? It's a crisis... You need to deal with problem, it's part of your job, he knows that your job involves travel. You've arranged childcare cover... There is not much more you can do.

I'd ask him for support explaining how feel after not travelling for so long.

I used to travel extensively to ridiculous level but was paid well for it... It cut too much into family life so I changed jobs but my husband accepted that as part of job and had job that worked around it.

He is now bizarrely less accepting of occasional travel...

We now both travel with work... Or did pre-covid...we discuss so both not away together but only ask 'permission' if it's an optional thing like weekend away with friends.

Rae36 · 30/09/2020 09:01

Yes you are wrong to expect he will be there. Dh expects I will be there and he makes his plans without ever checking with me first. It annoys me so much. He has always done the longest hours and the most travelling. I would like the courtesy of him at least pretending to check with me first, even though he knows I would never say no.

dontdisturbmenow · 30/09/2020 09:02

Did you ask your mum afterwards or had you planned it all in advance?

If the latter, than yes, you were definitely unreasonable. If the former, than it depends how it was announced. There's a difference between 'darling, we got a crisis at work and I've asked to go away on Thursday, I've asked my mum to take the kids to school and click them up, will you be ok sorting them out in the mornings and evenings' and 'Darling, I won't be here Thursday and Friday so you'll need to sort out the kids'.

bonjonbovi · 30/09/2020 09:04

it's not actually something I can say no to, it's not a choice for me either!

What if you were a single parent? Could you have said no then?

I think your DP is aggrieved that you didn’t discuss it with him. Not much of a partnership if one barks the orders and the other has to follow regardless.

Original poster
ItsmineAllmine · 30/09/2020 09:05

I'd checked with my mum first. She's coming to house to pick kids up and take them to school, she's picking them up from school and looking after them til DH finishes at 5.30, and she's offered to hang about and help with dinner/bedtime. The only thing DH needs to do by himself is get them up and ready for school (and make packed lunches).

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 30/09/2020 09:08

I tend to agree that if the mother knew about the work trip before the DH, I can understand him being furious. Mine would be. I can picture what he would say! He’d say “We are partners and both responsible for the children. It shouldn’t be your sole decision to ask your mum for help. We should work this out together first and then if we decide we need her help, call. Don’t assume you have to take all this on by yourself. I could have arranged play dates for them a few nights so grandma doesn’t have to drop everything for this trip.”

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2020 09:11

I think he's being ridiculous.

How many men ensure there is help in place if they have to go away? Most just expect their partners to pick up the slack.

And getting the children up, breakfast and packed lunches are just part of a parent 's job

Original poster
ItsmineAllmine · 30/09/2020 09:12

@PlanDeRaccordement my DH would not have said this. He's no issue with me telling my mum first or with my mum actually helping out. His issue is the fact I'm going away and expecting him to drop everything. But I don't think I am expecting him to drop everything because I have arranged school etc. For the record, my mum is happy to help.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 30/09/2020 09:14

You need good communication about working away from home or it will lead to resentment. When these trips come up you two need to make a plan together.

Sally872 · 30/09/2020 09:21

Would have been a courtesy to speak to him like you did your mum. But he wouldn't be able to say no so I can understand why you haven't when you are under pressure. Bit thoughtless. Husband should also be more understanding if this is a one off.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 30/09/2020 09:24

When dp travels for work he asks me if I am OK to look after DS by myself on the days he is going. Its just courtesy.

If he couldn't say no he would tell me in a really apologetic way and I would be promised a night off in return.

Might he be annoyed at the tone you delivered this information op?

bethany39 · 30/09/2020 09:25

I agree with what @PlanDeRaccordement said - it's in the way you presented it to him. It's the same situation but you've given orders not had a discussion as a couple about how to handle things.

Or, he could just be an arse who doesn't like his wife having a career. Hard to tell from one post!

sunset900 · 30/09/2020 09:27

I would question what it is he thinks he is being expected to 'drop'. It isn't affecting his work as you asked your mum to help so is the issue that he is now responsible solely for bedtimes and breakfast for two days? It sounds like he is overreacting and like PP said has got a bit too used to you not having to work away.

QueenArseClangers · 30/09/2020 09:32

@Nanny0gg

I think he's being ridiculous.

How many men ensure there is help in place if they have to go away? Most just expect their partners to pick up the slack.

And getting the children up, breakfast and packed lunches are just part of a parent 's job

You took the words right out of my mouth @Nanny0gg
SpaceOP · 30/09/2020 09:34

@PlanDeRaccordement has it right. It needs to be a two way process where you discuss how you're going to make it work. You are also a bit dismissive, "Oh, my mum will collect and fetch kids from school so it's no big deal for him." which I think is pretty unfair - it still means doing the morning routine, evening routine, bed etc. It means zero flexibility in working hours or ability to work a bit later/start a bit earlier. It means if he's crazy at work too (which you say it is) he's going to also now get less down time because he'll be handling all the household stuff and childcare stuff alone. So I think you're being a bit unfair to blithely suggest that it's not impacting him at all because your mum is available to do a bit of childcare.

I'm the main breadwinner, but that doesn't mean that I can just drop things on DH and expect him to adapt/cope/accept. In a situation like this, there'd be a conversation between us, and importantly, of course I'd acknowledge that this is affecting him. It might not be my fault, but nonetheless it does and he has the right to know that I understand that. And then, we'd discuss how we're going to arrange it and what additional support he needs because I wouldn't just assume he's able to give up his entire evenings and mornings.

upsidedownwavylegs · 30/09/2020 09:35

A lot of people associate overnight travel for work with being high-flying. A lot of men don’t like their wives to be high flying. Sounds like a crossover of the two here.