Having to go away with work - WIBU?

[ItsmineAllmine]

Pre lockdown, my role required fairly regular travel. I'd probably be away over night for 1 or 2 nights every 2 or 3 weeks. That's been the case for years, that's just what my job requires.

I'm in a fairly senior position in the company I work for. We have a serious incident unravelling at work just now which I am responsible for dealing with. I had to dial into various crisis team calls this weekend and because I needed to be in one of our offices on Monday morning I had to travel down on Sunday night. I'm also needing to stay away for the next 2 nights.

This is the first time I've been away overnight since January.

My husband is furious with me because I didn't ask him if it was ok for me to go, he thinks I've just assumed he will drop everything to facilitate me going away. I know DHs job is busy at the moment too so I actually contacted my mum and she is taking kids to and from school, and will look after them after school until DH finishes work.

I am under an incredible amount of stress at the moment with work, it's so full on and I've been workkng all hours to get things done. When I got home on Monday night and told DH I'd be away again later in the week, I really just wanted him to give me a cuddle and a little bit of understanding that I'm struggling a bit. I don't want to be away from the kids, but it's my job, I can't not go away.

I've been left feeling totally unsupported but also pissed off because thanks to my mum helping out it's not really putting that much additional pressure on him. But I also feel guilty - felt bad enough I'd be away from kids after being home for so long - but he's made me feel even worse.

Those that travel for work (or whose partners do), how does this dynamic work for you? Am i in the wrong to 'expect' my DH to be on hand when I have to go away? In normal circumstances any trips away are planned in advance, so this current situation is completely different, I rarely (if ever) have been called away at such short notice.

If it makes any difference whatsoever, I'm the main earner.

I would 100% discuss and agree this with DH. However I would expect him (as I would in return) to recognise that this travel is an essential part of my job, I’d arranged help and i need not to lose my job as the main earner. I have this discussion as a partnership with him.

@Nanny0gg

I think he's being ridiculous.

How many men ensure there is help in place if they have to go away? Most just expect their partners to pick up the slack.

And getting the children up, breakfast and packed lunches are just part of a parent 's job

And all those men are dickheads. I have lost track of the women in RL and on here I've heard/seen say that they've basically had to give up any chance of promotion etc etc because they had to be prepared to drop everything, let employers down etc because their DH needed to have complete flexibility to come and go as he pleases. It's bollocks.

But I don't think I am expecting him to drop everything because I have arranged school etc.

Well, have you asked him? Because, for example, if this was me and DH, I could see all kinds of things that would necessarily be "Dropped" i such a situation. an arrangement to meet a friend, a personal task earmarked for a specific day, an early meeting for work etc etc. Or possibly he's just shattered and didn't want to be doing child minding and responsibilities alone. Obviously, in your set up, that's all tough and he's going to have to suck it up. But I can't blame him for being a bit aggrieved that there's no discussion or acknowledgement and that you seem to think that it doesn't affect him at all. Of course it does.

I'm going away and expecting him to drop everything
Has he said what 'everything is'? Did grace plans after work on these evenings?

I am on the fence with this one! I am your husband in this scenario. Sometimes my husband if he has to go away for more than one night will actually arrange for my mum or both parents to come and help me.

But it does drive me mad when he just says 'I'm away on x date'. I feel like its rude that firstly he hasn't checked the date with me (I may have something at work, more likely to be social than training or something to be fair, or an appointment, that I then may have to rearrange or cancel. And secondly its just the way its said that drives me mad. No acknowledgement that when he is away, even if I have help, the workload increases for me. No 'I've been asked to go away with work, is that ok with you, thanks for taking on everything at home while I'm away'.

His argument is the same as yours, that he personally has no choice often when or if he has to go, it's his job, I know this, and he has got to do it.

But I liken it to being given tasks at work. We all know there is a dynamic at work that if your boss gives you something, you've got to do it. But I would consider it rude if my boss said 'you're doing this' (or gave me something that doubled my workload without acknowledging that) rather than 'we've got this work to do, could you do x task please'. We both know that they're not really asking me, they're telling me, but phrasing it as a request rather than a demand does make a difference.

Also it does make me feel better knowing that there is a slim chance I could say no if I really couldn't manage it, I very rarely do this but knowing it's a possibility makes me feel a bit more in control, even if I'm not in reality

It sounds like he’s got used to you being there in person and now resents you leaving. He probably just wasn’t expecting it which is why he reacted more strongly than normal. I’d accept this has been a weird time so his reaction is definitely unfair but he probably was just mentally not prepared for it. You need to have a sit down to discuss why he reacted like this and also that this isn’t a normal trip for you, it’s an emergency, and it was out of your control. But you’re definitely not unreasonable, people who don’t have these kinds of jobs won’t understand that you literally can’t say no or be flexible in these emergency situations. You could also talk about how he’d prefer you to handle it in future so he feels less resentful.

I think yabu and dismissive of your husbands feelings too. It’s not the same thing having your mother in law in your house then as having you there, it’s disruptive. My stbex always used to do this, I made plans as he was due to be home then suddenly it was oh I have an important call for 3 hours tonight you need to watch the kids etc. To him he was being perfectly reasonable as he was the main earner, to me it drove me up all the wall, he could have asked first , it would’ve taken two seconds and I wouldn’t have felt so disrespected. You seem to be dismissing everyone not agreeing with you instead of seeing that you really should be just checking with your dh first, some emergency trips can’t be helped but not checking with dh first isn’t being very considerate to him at all

@Tinkywinkydinkydoo

I think yabu and dismissive of your husbands feelings too. It’s not the same thing having your mother in law in your house then as having you there, it’s disruptive. My stbex always used to do this, I made plans as he was due to be home then suddenly it was oh I have an important call for 3 hours tonight you need to watch the kids etc. To him he was being perfectly reasonable as he was the main earner, to me it drove me up all the wall, he could have asked first , it would’ve taken two seconds and I wouldn’t have felt so disrespected. You seem to be dismissing everyone not agreeing with you instead of seeing that you really should be just checking with your dh first, some emergency trips can’t be helped but not checking with dh first isn’t being very considerate to him at all

Whats to 'check'? Shes not asking permission. He can't say No. Its her job! And he knows that

Like me your Dh has got used to his OH being in the house over the last few months. It was a bit of a shock when DH went into work and came home, packed a bag and disappeared for a week. I don't know why as this has been his job since the 90s!

He has no control over the way jobs drop into his schedule and no way of rearranging them when they do. So I have had to get used to his job coming first, foremost every time.

I don't understand the posters thinking that accepting work trips without consultation is a liberty when they are a regular part of a job. I TOTALLY understand being pissed off with the job as it is, not being able to, or wanting to cope at home alone all the time. But feeling disrespected or ignored because of a regular part of a job seems daft to me. You either adapt to it or you don't, but it is the job... not a personal affront!

OP you need a calm discussion. I can only assume feelings are running high at the moment. But you'll need to set up a plan for the next time, one your DH has had input and expressed his feelings fully. DH and I did this about 2 months ago, when he disappeared for just over a week with a couple of hours notice. I didn't go off at him whilst he was away - he works at heights, scary shit - but we did have a chat when he got back. Just a text from the office would have given me about 5 hours additional notice, and time to make a couple of lists for shopping etc.

Didn't really work out as he disappeared on Monday - the day we got back off holiday - and won't be back until next week. That job wasn't on his schedule befre we went off! SNAFU and all that!

I think it would have been considerate to talk through the situation first rather than simply telling him you were going away. You say that you have no choice, but is there absolutely no choice as to the timing? If, say, he had an early appointment which meant that it would be easier if you put your trip back by one day, could you do that?

My DH starts work at 9am, and finishes at 5.30pm. Never needs to do any additonal work, never has early/late meetings. He had no plans socially for the days that I'm away.

How can you ask him if it's ok for you to go when you have to go because it is your job?

Honey, my boss has told me I have to go to X for y days, is that ok with you?

Actually, no, no it's not

Ok sweetie, I'll tell my boss I can't do my job.

Surely when it is a non optional work trip you inform not ask.

Then you discuss and agree arrangements or tell him of the arrangements you've made and check he's ok with that or if he'd prefer to sort something else out.

Him saying you should have asked him if it was ok is stupid.

It's not about "asking permission" it's about letting the other partner know as soon as possible and asking if any arrangements need making. This shows you don't take their presence for granted.

@Nanny0gg has it. It's not optional, and absolutely nothing like him his deciding to go on a lads trip. When one parent has a job that requires working away the other picks up the slack. That's what parents do when they get married and have children knowing the other works a job that may require them to travel at short notice. He knew this when you had children, or when you took the job if it was afterwards. Not to mention that the OP had actually arranged extra childcare which means his day has barely changed at all. A man working away would never think to organise extra childcare. Ask him if he's okay to look after DC? Why on earth wouldn't he be 'okay' to look after HIS child/ren for a few days? A mother would never be asked this. OP, YANBU. There was nothing to check. You don't need permission to do your job.

I never really understand why people post on here if they blatantly don’t think they are being unreasonable. Seems like a waste of time and effort for all concerned.

@SnuggyBuggy forgetting the fact that the OP arranged extra childcare before mentioning it to him, why can't a man make his own arrangements for any plans he has during the time he is looking after his own children?

@ItsmineAllmine

My DH starts work at 9am, and finishes at 5.30pm. Never needs to do any additonal work, never has early/late meetings. He had no plans socially for the days that I'm away.

He's being a twat.

Do you think he's actually worried about YOU (with Covid around) and just reacting badly?

If not he needs to get told! It's a WORK trip, an essential part of your job, nothing new - and you've arranged the necessary childcare
Jesus - what more does he want?

I've always just picked up the slack when needed, but then, dh used to be away for 8 weeks at a time, and then worked away during the week, and came home at weekends. For two years, he worked abroad, whilst I was in the UK, and I was teaching full time, with ds at school. I've had calls from an airport telling me he has to work abroad and no idea when he would be back.

There was no way to say no to this, as it was a part of the job, and even in his post retirement job, the same applied. The trips away were set in tablets of stone once organised, as it entailed visiting other countries, with a team in tow, or as part of a team, so you just got on with it. Often, it was two weeks away out of every month for about 4 months.

I used to run my life, sort ds out, and then it didn't matter what dh did work wise, as I had it covered. Only once did it go tits up, when he was supposed to sort ds for a week, whilst I was abroad on a school trip. He had to do something else that could not wait, so ds had to weekly board that week, otherwise the school trip would be off. My school didn't want to pay for the weeks boarding fees either, so I stopped doing trips after that.

He’s being ridiculous.
What was he like before, with your work travel?

Like you, pre Covid, I travelled a lot. Often short notice. Unlike you, I’m divorced - but this was during marriage too. Sometimes, I had to give that short notice to my ex - and honestly? It was a case of tell not ask, though I was polite about it. But it was definitely more a case of keeping him informed than asking permission. On the rare occasion that a short notice ask caused an issue (like a night out planned with his mates) we worked together on a solution.

He ONCE tried to grumble about my work - and I told him quite plainly that without it, he wouldn’t be driving around in the fancy car, and I wouldn’t have the balance of some WFH to cover school events. So - suck it up, buttercup!

I don’t think it matters though that you’re the higher earning. This is the nature of your job, he knows that. He should support you, not give you shit.

Interesting that you’re the one sorting out your mum to cover. I would put money on that happening because you’re female, not because you’re the one going away.

In YEARS of work travel, many male colleagues have confirmed they’ve never been asked, “who looks after ” when you’re away. I get it ALL the time.

As a matter of interest, what was he like during lockdown and home-schooling?

@ItsmineAllmine

My DH starts work at 9am, and finishes at 5.30pm. Never needs to do any additonal work, never has early/late meetings. He had no plans socially for the days that I'm away.

It's pretty clear that you don't see this as even slightly inconvenient for him and are not interested in spending even 5 seconds acknowledging to him that it's a bit shit. Which is a real pity. Because I'd far rather see behaviour changes from men who are the main breadwinner than women who are the main breadwinner adapting shitty traditionally male behaviour and sense of entitlement.

I have always done some travel with work. I had one role when I often needed to be away two or three days a week but my time table was not always predictable. DH and I needed to have an understanding that this was the case, I would always inform him as soon as possible, but I don’t need to ask his permission, this was my job and we both knew what it entailed. I would have felt a bit of an idiot if I had needed to check with my DH every time I needed to be somewhere. And if I had needed to and he was allowed to veto, then I would have lost my job.

The comparison somebody made between work travel and a boys weekend away is nonsense.

I think you went above and beyond arranging help from your dm tbh.

Dh and I both had to work away (pre-Covid). If it’s optional we would ask but if it’s urgent and there is no choice we would just let each other know and make it work. It’s not a jolly, it’s your job and he needs to suck it up and get on with it as I assume you would for him.

@ItsmineAllmine

I am under an incredible amount of stress at the moment with work, it's so full on and I've been workkng all hours to get things done. When I got home on Monday night and told DH I'd be away again later in the week, I really just wanted him to give me a cuddle and a little bit of understanding that I'm struggling a bit. I don't want to be away from the kids, but it's my job, I can't not go away.
I've been left feeling totally unsupported but also pissed off because thanks to my mum helping out it's not really putting that much additional pressure on him. But I also feel guilty - felt bad enough I'd be away from kids after being home for so long - but he's made me feel even worse.

Did you explain any of this to your DH? Did you express any reluctance to going and any regrets about needing to? I’ve been in this position in my old job and always made it clear to my kids and DH that travelling for work isn’t something I choose, it’s just a requirement of the job. I always made sure my kids and DH knew that I was sorry I had to leave them. I think you have missed the emotional impact of your travelling on your family. I am not saying you shouldn’t go. I am suggesting that you show some empathy to the family members who will miss you. Then they might show some empathy in return. In the same way, making practical arrangements for the kids is great but it won’t help your DH with the emotional labour of parenting in your absence. I suspect he’d like some recognition of this.

Am i in the wrong to 'expect' my DH to be on hand when I have to go away?
Yes you are. 100% wrong. Your DH is not your employee. He shouldn’t have to be on hand just in case your business needs you.

In normal circumstances any trips away are planned in advance, so this current situation is completely different, I rarely (if ever) have been called away at such short notice.
So acknowledge this is unusual! Tell your DH: ‘this is a crisis. I’m sorry but I have to deal with this. I realise I’m dropping all the shit on you at no notice. I’ve asked my mum to help.’

If it makes any difference whatsoever, I'm the main earner.
It makes zero difference. So was I. I didn’t ask permission to travel but I also never assumed my DH would step in and cover for me either. And I always said thank you.

It makes zero difference. So was I. I didn’t ask permission to travel but I also never assumed my DH would step in and cover for me either. And I always said thank you.

But she has arranged her mother to cover when he is working.

And if he isn't working he needs to parent his own children.