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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Having to go away with work - WIBU?

66 replies

ItsmineAllmine · 30/09/2020 08:34

Pre lockdown, my role required fairly regular travel. I'd probably be away over night for 1 or 2 nights every 2 or 3 weeks. That's been the case for years, that's just what my job requires.

I'm in a fairly senior position in the company I work for. We have a serious incident unravelling at work just now which I am responsible for dealing with. I had to dial into various crisis team calls this weekend and because I needed to be in one of our offices on Monday morning I had to travel down on Sunday night. I'm also needing to stay away for the next 2 nights.

This is the first time I've been away overnight since January.

My husband is furious with me because I didn't ask him if it was ok for me to go, he thinks I've just assumed he will drop everything to facilitate me going away. I know DHs job is busy at the moment too so I actually contacted my mum and she is taking kids to and from school, and will look after them after school until DH finishes work.

I am under an incredible amount of stress at the moment with work, it's so full on and I've been workkng all hours to get things done. When I got home on Monday night and told DH I'd be away again later in the week, I really just wanted him to give me a cuddle and a little bit of understanding that I'm struggling a bit. I don't want to be away from the kids, but it's my job, I can't not go away.

I've been left feeling totally unsupported but also pissed off because thanks to my mum helping out it's not really putting that much additional pressure on him. But I also feel guilty - felt bad enough I'd be away from kids after being home for so long - but he's made me feel even worse.

Those that travel for work (or whose partners do), how does this dynamic work for you? Am i in the wrong to 'expect' my DH to be on hand when I have to go away? In normal circumstances any trips away are planned in advance, so this current situation is completely different, I rarely (if ever) have been called away at such short notice.

If it makes any difference whatsoever, I'm the main earner.

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 30/09/2020 11:35

How did it used to go pre-COVID? Did you used to announce you were going and he was ok with it, or is this a long-running thing?

And what impact will it actually have on him while you’re away? Is he one of those husbands who doesn’t normally get the kids ready in the morning /do dinner /do bedtime and that’s why he’s annoyed?

SnuggyBuggy · 30/09/2020 11:53

[quote MummytoCSJH]@SnuggyBuggy forgetting the fact that the OP arranged extra childcare before mentioning it to him, why can't a man make his own arrangements for any plans he has during the time he is looking after his own children?[/quote]
I think that would also annoy me. I'd much rather my partner told me he was working away and asked me what help I needed rather than assuming he knew best. This is a communication issue.

Heyahun · 30/09/2020 11:55

He needs to get over himself. Your hardly going off on a big fun week away for a relaxing break! It’s a work trip ffs - he sounds like a right dick

ShortColdandGrey · 30/09/2020 12:09

I don't understand what he is moaning about. You have arranged for your mum to sort out the kids. He doesn't need to do anything extra other than drop them off at school. Has he not picked up at all how stressed you are about this? Tell him to stop being such a selfish twat.

Thunderstormstunderstorm · 30/09/2020 12:31

Sorry but I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I'm equivalent to your DH in a similar set up. My DH sometimes has to go away at very short notice. It is his job, but that doesn't make it any less difficult for me. Because it's unpredictable it's difficult for me to ever make plans, even things like Dr's appointments as I might have to cancel with little notice and it's a crap way to treat friends or appointments. So, even if nothing is planned at the time of a trip it can still feel like you are being asked to drop everything by virtue of just never having the certainty to plan your own time. Basically I am the default option alk the time. Communication is really key in helping ensure resentment doesn't build. I'm a SAHM so I can handle DH being away, but it means I can't commit to retraining / starting work again. For us that's tipped the balance. He has gone part time so that I have some days where I can count on him being there so that I can go back to work myself too.

sergeilavrov · 30/09/2020 12:55

It’s not easy for people who don’t work away to understand the dynamics of a relationship under those conditions. You’re not being unreasonable, given you have frequently worked away before. The whole point is you’re a team, with shared finances and shared children. It’s not a ‘choice’ you made in terms of the late notice. Thus, when one person needs to go - the partner picks up the slack. You went above and beyond organising childcare, which is fair given the late notice. It sounds like he just feels like his job isn’t given equal importance, or is a little jealous of your travel.

I work away for around 2 weeks every month, plus some more local overnights, and my DH looks after the children while working from home. There have been times that he’s gone to bed with me there, and woken up to a text explaining I don’t know how long I’ll be gone for. He is supportive, and understanding - because our whole family reaps the financial and experiential benefits this offers us. If your DH isn’t liking the level of compensation, that’s a different conversation than demands about notice.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 30/09/2020 14:18

I would be quite annoyed in your DH's position.
You keep saying it's not really putting that much additional pressure on him but really, he now has to get the DC ready for school on his own, do dinner and bedtime on his own - or do it with his MIL, which is not always better... do all the cooking/laundry/tidying/homework etc on his own.
Doable? Of course. But worth telling him you appreciate him doing all of this instead of being mad a him!

thegcatsmother · 30/09/2020 14:55

You keep saying it's not really putting that much additional pressure on him but really, he now has to get the DC ready for school on his own, do dinner and bedtime on his own - or do it with his MIL, which is not always better... do all the cooking/laundry/tidying/homework etc on his own.

Oh, ffs, I did that for months at a time on my own, with a full teaching load, whilst dh trollied off around the globe for work. Does being in possession of a penis mean the poor ickle man can't cope with domestic stuff as well as work? Lots of women cope with this all the time.

Original poster

ItsmineAllmine · 30/09/2020 20:08

Thanks everyone!

So on balance I think I might have been a little unreasonable based on most replies. Phoned DH tonight and apologised if he felt put upon. He apologised too.

However - I do stand by thinking that it's not really landed him with much additional work. The only thing he has to do which he wouldn't normally be doing or helping with is making packed lunches!

Anyway. I'm over it!

OP posts:

iklboo · 30/09/2020 20:15

Oh no! The world will fly off its axis because a man has to do some parenting / housework.

Scandicc · 30/09/2020 20:19

@iklboo

Oh no! The world will fly off its axis because a man has to do some parenting / housework.

I second this. It's the age old tale that if the man is travelling for work it's just common knowledge that the wife will take the kids, however when the shoe is on the other foot... OH DEAR.

RedskyAtnight · 30/09/2020 20:26

It's a communication problem I think. Rather than landing it on him as a fait accompli, the discussion should have been around the fact that you had to go away for work and discussing together how you could cover family commitments during this time. Maybe it doesn't really suit him to have your mum doing the childcare but he would rather have made different arrangements? What if DH's work had also decided he had to travel at the same time and he'd not bothered to tell you about it either?

RedskyAtnight · 30/09/2020 20:30

@Nanny0gg

I think he's being ridiculous.

How many men ensure there is help in place if they have to go away? Most just expect their partners to pick up the slack.

And getting the children up, breakfast and packed lunches are just part of a parent 's job

Just because some men behave badly, doesn't mean that women have to behave equally badly in some misguided idea that they are making a point.

SpaceOP · 01/10/2020 09:28

@ItsmineAllmine

Thanks everyone!

So on balance I think I might have been a little unreasonable based on most replies. Phoned DH tonight and apologised if he felt put upon. He apologised too.

However - I do stand by thinking that it's not really landed him with much additional work. The only thing he has to do which he wouldn't normally be doing or helping with is making packed lunches!

Anyway. I'm over it!

Of course you are "over it" because you haven't had to shift your world view at all. what did you actually apologise for because if you still think it doesn't affect him at all I can't see anything to apologise for?

You don't really seem to respect him. I guess with your username that should have been obvious. But hey ho.

iklboo · 01/10/2020 09:35

Of course you are "over it" because you haven't had to shift your world view at all.

What 'world view' does she have to shift? She HAS to travel for work, she's not on a weekend away with the girls jolly. OP has realised she should have spoken to him earlier about it. What more should she do? Tell work she can't travel anymore because DH will have to make some packed lunches and do the school run?

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2020 09:44

@NoSleepInTheHeat

I would be quite annoyed in your DH's position. You keep saying it's not really putting that much additional pressure on him but really, he now has to get the DC ready for school on his own, do dinner and bedtime on his own - or do it with his MIL, which is not always better... do all the cooking/laundry/tidying/homework etc on his own. Doable? Of course. But worth telling him you appreciate him doing all of this instead of being mad a him!

Hahahaha!

How often does he tell the OP he appreciates her for doing that?

You don't thank the other person every time they parent their own child. surely???

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