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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should be able to eat with us?

95 replies

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 22:33

My 'D'H has some general weirdness about food which I don't really understand, so this could be me being insensitive. He regularly wont ear meals with us, not sitting down with is at all, and often only sits at the table for fove minutes before going off to do his own stuff.

A couple of times over the last month I've felt really rejected by him not eating with us as a family. Usually I feed the kids before he gets in if I'm the one home as he tend's to be a bit of a stresshead at the dinner table. I think he finds things like eating noises/ spilled drinks much more infuriating than I do and will often sit there wincing and hitting which doesn't make for the most relaxed atmosphere..anyway my daughter is enjoying cooking more and wanted to make him a treat as her started back in the office, we went and brought ingredients and she cooled meat (big deal for her as she's an almost vegan) and she was excited to show him the pie she made for him (his fave flavour). She's infant school age. He wouldn't even try a mouthful that evening. Then this evening I made a full roast, did it all as he would like it, made his favourite veggies..He wouldn't even sit with us at the table. It just makes me feel really shit.

If we go round to friends/family to eat he is happy and relaxed at their dinner tables.

I tried to talk to him about it as it's something I've only ever known him and his brother to do regularly (have their own meals, not share family meals with their wives or children).

Even if he didn't eat just sitting at the table and chatting with a drink would feel a but more friendly/ family vibes.

So my AIBU is

YABU - it's totally standard not to share family or couple meal times.

YANBU- it is out of the ordinary that he won't share family meal times/ sit with you.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2020 00:16

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea

TBH, sounds like disordered eating to me. I can force a meal down 'in company' as it were, but I can't sit down and eat at home. And the more the DC comment on it 'oh Mum! You're actually eating!' the more I avoid eating in front of them. Does that sound familiar OP? Not trying to make excuses for him, but I really do struggle to eat unless I'm in a situation where to do so would be rude to a host.

I do appreciate how horrible it must be for you & your DC though. Just wondering if that might be a reason for it?

An ex made it his mission for me to eat "normally". As a result I developed bulimia, which disappeared as soon as I dumped him. I know it came from love and concern but the stress was so intense that I would have thrown up anyway, I didnt need to do it deliberately.

I can fake it too, but the pressure of knowing that your every mouthful is being scrutinised it horrible. And then the guilt.....

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2020 00:18

@GreyHare

Bamboo I can do, but anything else. god no. I am really struggling with it even on here.

BF2748 · 30/09/2020 00:35

To be honest I can’t sit with people that are loud eaters, it makes me incredibly fidgety and I try my best to push through and I usually do but sometimes I actually feel like screaming with the noise. So I understand if it’s something like that, then I would say YABU. It’s evident there’s an issue, If his brother is like this too then Is it a childhood thing? Did they sit at the table growing up as a family?

I think cutting him some slack would help and don’t take it personal, as it’s definitely something deeper and not surface. Does he eat the food you cook once everyone else has eaten?

IamAporcupine · 30/09/2020 01:09

I have not read the wholethread OP, so I apologise if I missed something important

This sounds very much like my DH, and the answer is 'eating disorder'

Wiredforsound · 30/09/2020 01:11

People eating really get on my nerves too. We all eat together at the dinner table every night and I always have music on in the background (“Alexa, play some tunes”) and that works really well for me. It’s not on loud, but it does take the focus away from all the awful eating noises.

Couchbettato · 30/09/2020 01:42

I can eat around friends because it's a one off but I honestly can't stand eating round my family some times especially when they bring drinks to the table. The slurping really makes me stabby, so I just remove myself from the situation.

My issues are mine to deal with.

OP, your issue is that you feel abandoned while your husband is trying to deal with his issue, but that's your issue to deal with.

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2020 02:13

OP, your issue is that you feel abandoned while your husband is letting you feel this way and not trying to deal with his issue, but that's your issue to deal with.
I fixed that for you. The husband isn’t seeing anyone about it or acknowledging there is an issue. He knows there is and makes an effort for his friends but not his family.

everythingbackbutyou · 30/09/2020 02:20

I have misophonia too. One colleague would eat toast at lunchtime and I would have to leave the room or explode with irrational rage. Crinkling packets and slurping noises give me the absolute rage as well. I have read that for people with misophonia, the anger/anxiety reaction is often more severe when the culprit is someone we are close with.

WombOfOnesOwn · 30/09/2020 04:40

I wonder how many moms with misophonia are treated softly when they refuse to eat meals their kids make. Oh, none? Right, then.

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 30/09/2020 06:17

Ok, well it's been really good to hear a range of views and experiences. I have chatted about it/asked about it before but can try again.
I do put importance on it and feel rejected/abandoned because of it which is my issue..like I said I mostly feed the kids before he's in so it's not an every night expectation I place on him, but understand it may be too much for him if it is mysphonia.
Thanks for all taking the time to help xx

OP posts:

Beancounterz · 30/09/2020 06:56

For me, like you op, meals and food in general is a social activity, tea is a time when the family come together to talk about their day, and I feel your upset. My in laws grew up eating in factory nurseries, where it was a bit survival of the fittest. Food is largely regarded as fuel, At mealtimes talking pretty much stops and it's heads down to concentrate on eating until you finish. It's 2 very different ways to regard mealtimes, which I think is like your situation, though it looks like there are sensory issues as well. My dils social time is drinking together, tea or alcohol if out, Perhaps you could have some other all family time where you can all chat as a compromise. If he has been on his own with the dc for a long time, he may also be looking for a bit of a quiet time on his own.

BlackWaveComing · 30/09/2020 08:27

He sounds like my eating disordered ex.

It is not happy being the only parent who will engage in family meal times. Often times I felt like the nanny, and not part of a functioning family at all.

You have my sympathy.

Lowhangingfruit · 30/09/2020 09:08

I love all my children but I can't stand listening and watching them eat. Makes me irrationally angry and feel queasy. I like eating by myself. I don't eat enough anyway. But that's another thread.

Zakana · 30/09/2020 09:46

Misphonia here too, as with my sister and my daughter also, so seems to be hereditary in origin in our case. Only came on when I was in my 30s. Eating sounds are the worst, but I have noticed that mine comes and goes depending on my mood, if I am stressed or anxious about something, chomping no scraping sounds make me want to tear my own ears off, the only way I can explain it is those sounds make my eardrums vibrate excessively! I can now recognise when it’s happening or likely to happen and can tune it out to a large degree, but it’s taken about 20 years to be able to do that. However, I can listen quite happily to music being turned up loud and bassy, my daughter and sister cannot listen to music nor the TV being loud whatsoever. Sounds like he might need some help to understand what’s going on. Also appreciate that after cooking a meal and sweating over a hot stove, you would expect that the family could come together for the sake of 30 minutes or so to enjoy your efforts. It’s difficult all round, but something has to give for everyone’s sakes, when I’ve been cooking a lovely meal, I would be well pissed off if we couldn’t all sit down for such a short amount of time out of the day to chat and eat.

OwlBeThere · 30/09/2020 10:24

I don’t like eating with people. I have disordered eating issues and don’t enjoy people seeing me eat, I also have misophonia and the noises make me seethe. I feel like I can be myself at home and tend to eat alone, on the rare occasions I eat out j grit my teeth and bare it.
But he needs to talk to you and tell you what’s going on for him.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 30/09/2020 11:32

I think it's a middle ground. I'm sort of sympathetic I grew up with a df with huge noise and eating issues in that he is most definitely on the spectrum , my ds1 has sensory issues and DP, totally unrelated to all that, has some fears around food and eating due to growing up in extreme poverty and in an abusive household (in which dinnertime was a trigger ) for a time.

My dm used to do the same thing as I do with DP once or twice a week I ask him to power through and sit at the table with us. He knows that appropriate behaviour is expected . I don't insist if he is having a bad day but in all fairness he makes sure mostly to be able to do it. I don't push it the rest of the time but we are all relatively relaxed about it. DC are only ever fed at the table and we have a three tries rule and appropriate eating behaviour is a strict rule (with differing success ).

The key here is communication I think. Dp and I have discussed that he has to model certain behaviours to DC to help ensure they don't grow up with the eating issues he has. I would personally not accept the excuses like "I have things to do" , he needs to discuss and figure out a middle ground way to resolve this.

I have quite extreme responses to sound and struggle with sounds of people eating , quick high pitched noises etc (I almost definitely get this from df) but I am an adult and I need to model appropriate eating behaviour to my DC. Whilst I believe misophonia exists , and have a lot of sympathy because it physically hurts me with certain sounds , it's not an excuse to book out whenever you want or it will affect the DC.

Both DP and I put protective routines in to help us cope. DP reminds himself that he is the adult now , that he wouldn't allow anyone to beat the DC for not eating everything on his plate and that his food won't get taken away from him (poor bugger had one abusive controlling parent and one who couldn't afford food so his issues are competing) , i make sure i get enough rest and take time out on my own before sitting at a family meal to manage the amount of sensory input i get over a period of time. As far as DC are concerned we are fine. Hes a parent so he needs to find a way of managing his issues at least sometimes (but regularly) to support his DC.

I have absolutely no truck with not eating the pie....DP massively struggles with eating something the DC have made due to issues from childhood but he would never ever refuse outright. (I have known him take one bite and I know he gets to the bin and spits it out ) he would never crush DC like that.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 30/09/2020 23:47

@PyongyangKipperbang That is exactly it. The more pressure/attention on me eating, the more my throat closes up - and yep, ends with me bringing everything up without even trying because my body goes into fight/flight adrenaline overload. It is horrible, so I avoid eating in front of people. I haven't watched the Andrew Flintoff documentary that was on the other night, but some people have said they've found it helpful to understand bulimia.

The irony is that if they didn't make a fuss over me eating, I probably would be able to eat more. I know they're trying to be supportive, but it just adds an extra layer of tension to something I already find difficult. I'm glad you managed to find a way through to recover.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2020 00:00

@sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea

I wouldnt say "recover" more....... living with it. I can only eat with certain people, my parents being my "safe place" because they dont know I have these issues. And yes, the irony of people who care making a fuss and therefore making it worse, it not lost! My current OH knows I have these issues and does try to rein in the comments. He doesnt always succeed but will take my word for it that I will eat when I am hungry and when it suits me, he doesnt pressure me or comment when I do eat. Mainly he will make sure he has things in that he knows I like so if I do get hungry there will always be something.

I eat once a day on a good week, a lot less than that on a bad one, but I am not underweight, am a size 12 so.....I can live with it. It is nice to know that I am not the only one!

Anordinarymum · 01/10/2020 00:00

OP If he has an eating disorder, could he not be present at the table when the children eat, and then both of you eat later just to bring some sense into a situation where the children will pick up on his unease - it looks as if they may have already ?

LouiseTrees · 01/10/2020 00:49

Could he have an eating disorder? I ask because my brother did. He often wouldn’t eat with the family.

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