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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should be able to eat with us?

95 replies

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 22:33

My 'D'H has some general weirdness about food which I don't really understand, so this could be me being insensitive. He regularly wont ear meals with us, not sitting down with is at all, and often only sits at the table for fove minutes before going off to do his own stuff.

A couple of times over the last month I've felt really rejected by him not eating with us as a family. Usually I feed the kids before he gets in if I'm the one home as he tend's to be a bit of a stresshead at the dinner table. I think he finds things like eating noises/ spilled drinks much more infuriating than I do and will often sit there wincing and hitting which doesn't make for the most relaxed atmosphere..anyway my daughter is enjoying cooking more and wanted to make him a treat as her started back in the office, we went and brought ingredients and she cooled meat (big deal for her as she's an almost vegan) and she was excited to show him the pie she made for him (his fave flavour). She's infant school age. He wouldn't even try a mouthful that evening. Then this evening I made a full roast, did it all as he would like it, made his favourite veggies..He wouldn't even sit with us at the table. It just makes me feel really shit.

If we go round to friends/family to eat he is happy and relaxed at their dinner tables.

I tried to talk to him about it as it's something I've only ever known him and his brother to do regularly (have their own meals, not share family meals with their wives or children).

Even if he didn't eat just sitting at the table and chatting with a drink would feel a but more friendly/ family vibes.

So my AIBU is

YABU - it's totally standard not to share family or couple meal times.

YANBU- it is out of the ordinary that he won't share family meal times/ sit with you.

OP posts:
Alexindiamondarmour · 29/09/2020 23:38

I only ask because I was diagnosed this year with something called SCCD, it’s a rare birth defect in the inner ear where part of the bone covering the ear canal is missing. That means it lets every single noise in all the time and you cannot stop it. It leads to noise overload and migraines/vertigo etc.

One of my symptoms is tinnitus, and another is that listening to chewing/knives on plates/clicking jaws makes me want to stick a fork in either my own ears or the person making the noises! It seriously makes me so irrationally angry, and it’s been the cause of so many arguments with my own DH who doesn’t have these issues around eating.

It’s worth checking out if he is overloaded by sound any other time.

Original poster
NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:39

He does eat and maintains a healthy weight. He prefers to eat alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:40

He does find other sounds hard, I will we if he can get checked out, thank you for the info!

OP posts:
jay55 · 29/09/2020 23:40

YANBU why should he get to opt out of parenting at meal times.
And to treat you so disrespectfully when you make an effort is disgusting.

Alexindiamondarmour · 29/09/2020 23:42

It’s easily found by a non invasive CT scan. Seriously tell him about it. How old is he?
These symptoms can all be dismissed until the vertigo hits and they start investigating why.
Mine is managed through lifestyle changes now, and the main thing about my diagnosis is now my family don’t think I’m being unreasonable and annoying and crazy about meal noises! They now realise it’s something I literally can’t control, like you said your daughter has sensory processing issues, it’s the same. We both cannot help it!

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/09/2020 23:44

I have big issues with food. I suspect it is a mix of misphonia (I cannot eat boiled eggs despite loving the taste due to the memory of my mothers noise when eating one. In my memory it was loud, disgusting and vomit inducing, but I suspect it wasnt that bad in reality) and an eating disorder (I eat a proper meal about once every 4 days and will maybe have a slice of toast on each day in between). I am also OCD about food hygiene so food the kids made at school is a BIG problem.

But I will try a slice of the cake, a mouthful of the pasta or whatever and make the right noises because I love them more than I hate food.

Original poster
NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:45

Ok, well if it's that it'll be a lot easier to understand:)

OP posts:
JellyFishSquish · 29/09/2020 23:45

Yes we have a family member with misophonia, and like saraclara says it is not ALL eating sounds, and can be specific to the chewing/swallowing/smacking noises of one person.

saraclara · 29/09/2020 23:46

@AdoraBell

If this was my DH I would be preparing meals for myself and DC and he would be either doing his own food or not eating.

Your H can control his reactions at other houses, so he can do the same with his family, ie his spouse and children.

No, he probably can't. See my post further up the thread.

I was exactly like him. I desperately wanted to be able to sit through a meal at home without the agonising stress, but often I couldn't. But I could generally (with only the occasional exception) manage meals at other people's homes or when we had visitors, without a pproblem.

Looking back my brain clearly needed to be distracted from the sounds that it focused on.

GreyHare · 29/09/2020 23:47

@NewtoHolland

Grey hare he really hates the noise of a knife scrape too. It must be hard for him to find it all so infuriating..is there anything that helps you?
Not really, but then I've never really addressed it, but knifes and forks scraping on plates goes right through me and teeth on a fork just no no no, I will also screech at family members for scraping metal on metal like a metal spoon in a saucepan, all my saucepans have to be non-stick and all my utensils are wood/silicone/nylon, oh and excessive stirring of tea and or coffee will make me want to stab myself in the ears.

I feel for your husband if he is like me, and it really has nothing to do with you or your child, it will be all him but he really can't help it.

CutToChase · 29/09/2020 23:48

Well it could be an obscure medical condition. Or more likely he and his brother have been raised to treat women like shit

Alexindiamondarmour · 29/09/2020 23:49

OP it still doesn’t excuse how rude he is being about it.
I was very clear from when I met my husband that eating noises really upset and agitated me, so this diagnosis wasn’t out of the blue in that sense.
I don’t have issues around food hygiene like a PP, so I would happily try food if my children had made it.

I think it might be time to have an “are you ok?” Kind of chat, and say you had noticed he’s been struggling during mealtimes (and being rude about it) and that you’re just trying to understand what’s going on. Good luck.

I know it wasn’t and still isn’t easy for my family to live with me and my condition. But I manage as best I can and try not to let it impact them. (One thing for instance is when we are eating I listen to headphones which drowns out the chewing but I can still hear them if they ask me something)

QueenOllie · 29/09/2020 23:49

I get the eating noises thing, I really struggled with family meals as a teenager. Not violent at all but I get this rage... someone called at work the other day and they were eating cereal while talking down the phone to me. All I could hear was crunch, slurp, spoon banging and it's like this white hot rage where I just want to scream at them not to bloody eat down the phone
If you ring a call centre please don't eat while you do it especially crisps

saraclara · 29/09/2020 23:50

@JellyFishSquish

Yes we have a family member with misophonia, and like saraclara says it is not ALL eating sounds, and can be specific to the chewing/swallowing/smacking noises of one person.
Yep. My misophonia improved a lot after I left home. It's not gone completely, but when I get it badly, it will be one specific person's sounds that will really get to me.

I had a colleague whose eating sounds I couldn't bear. I would actually have to leave the staffroom if she came in to eat her lunch.

Alexindiamondarmour · 29/09/2020 23:51

@CutToChase
Thanks for really listening to everything we’ve said and considering it. Couldn’t possibly be that he is struggling and doesn’t know how to say he needs help. Far out.

saraclara · 29/09/2020 23:52

@CutToChase

Well it could be an obscure medical condition. Or more likely he and his brother have been raised to treat women like shit
Since several of us on this thread have similar conditions, if it's misophonia I'd say it's hardly obscure.
CutToChase · 29/09/2020 23:53

@Alexindiamondarmour
This thread isn't about you and your issues.

It's not even about noise at the dinner table, either, as he wouldnt even try a quick bite of the pie his daughter made him.

His brother treats his own family the same way, which suggests this was learnt from watching their father.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/09/2020 23:54

I just remembered a post I put in AIBU about 6 or 7 years ago.

Iirc I asked "AIBU to be utterly revolted by DH's scoffing" or something to that effect (think I had a different UN then).

It was about popcorn. We were watching a film and he made popcorn. I eat it, if I do, by the piece. He was grabbing handfuls and scarfing it down and the noise was revolting me. I asked if it was wrong that I was disgusted by it, and his gluttony as he clearly couldnt just eat a bit at a time.

I was told I was being VU and obviously resented him eating at all and did I hate him?

Looking back, it was again Misphonia. I hated being the same room as him eating......actually, ended up hating being in the same room anyway.....still resent being on the same planet :o

Alexindiamondarmour · 29/09/2020 23:56

@CutToChase
Yes I’m aware of that, but usually what happens on MN when someone asks about something, people come on with their experiences to try to help the OP understand something.

Why don’t you just leave the thread if you don’t have anything helpful to add?

CutToChase · 29/09/2020 23:56

@saraclara

Well what can I say? Well done for taking a thread written by a distressed woman seeking reassurance about her husbands frankly emotionally abuse behaviour, and minimising/normalising it.

This isnt about misophonia. Even if he does have this condition, its about how he is interacting with his family: not communicating, not spending time with then, tutting, sighing, generally being passive aggressive - yet somehow manages to reel all that in when eating with others outside the family home.

Alexindiamondarmour · 29/09/2020 23:57

That’s funny @PyongyangKipperbang

It really does affect your life. Watch out or Cut to the Chase will tell you this thread isn’t about you and your issues!

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2020 00:00

all my utensils are wood/silicone/nylon

Oh fuck..... wooden utensils make my skin crawl. I cannot bear them!

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2020 00:04

I absolutely would not just try turning the tv on etc to see if it makes a difference without talking to him.
‘You used to eat with us more. You seem happy to eat with friends. Family meals are an important part of family to me and it upsets me that you reject them. It feels like you are rejecting us. I felt like you hugely rejected your daughter when she tried so hard to make you a pie- to me you might as well have turned around and said fuck off dd. I lied to her you had eaten it so she didn’t feel so bad. I regularly feel awful that I’ve cooked you food and you won’t eat it with me or at all.
I understand you must have some health issues that mean you don’t enjoy eating with us, although it makes me miserable to see you eating with our friends. I would like you to see someone to see if it can be easier and commit to family dinner at home twice a week. Where you say something nice about the food and teach our children healthy relationships. If there are specific things we can do re the food or the background noise that would make it easier I will do that but I need to know you hear me that this is important and you try for your family not just for your friends and we aren’t worth it.

If you haven’t actually spoken to him like this then the rest is a waste of time.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2020 00:05

I have to say though, that whether it is an eating disorder or misphonia then the way he is dealing with it is wrong. My BF and I can plan to eat out but if the stress of it is getting to me, he understands and either we just have a drink or he will eat and I wont (ordering from an "unsafe" menu is a massive problem) and he gets it. Being a total dick and not appreciating how it affects the whole famile is selfish and not on.

If it is learned abusive behaviour then absolutely not ok. And in all honesty, I am coming down on the side of it being the latter.....

GreyHare · 30/09/2020 00:14

@PyongyangKipperbang

all my utensils are wood/silicone/nylon

Oh fuck..... wooden utensils make my skin crawl. I cannot bear them!

They have to be smooth wood or bamboo, it strange was we can and can't tolerate.
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