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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should be able to eat with us?

95 replies

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 22:33

My 'D'H has some general weirdness about food which I don't really understand, so this could be me being insensitive. He regularly wont ear meals with us, not sitting down with is at all, and often only sits at the table for fove minutes before going off to do his own stuff.

A couple of times over the last month I've felt really rejected by him not eating with us as a family. Usually I feed the kids before he gets in if I'm the one home as he tend's to be a bit of a stresshead at the dinner table. I think he finds things like eating noises/ spilled drinks much more infuriating than I do and will often sit there wincing and hitting which doesn't make for the most relaxed atmosphere..anyway my daughter is enjoying cooking more and wanted to make him a treat as her started back in the office, we went and brought ingredients and she cooled meat (big deal for her as she's an almost vegan) and she was excited to show him the pie she made for him (his fave flavour). She's infant school age. He wouldn't even try a mouthful that evening. Then this evening I made a full roast, did it all as he would like it, made his favourite veggies..He wouldn't even sit with us at the table. It just makes me feel really shit.

If we go round to friends/family to eat he is happy and relaxed at their dinner tables.

I tried to talk to him about it as it's something I've only ever known him and his brother to do regularly (have their own meals, not share family meals with their wives or children).

Even if he didn't eat just sitting at the table and chatting with a drink would feel a but more friendly/ family vibes.

So my AIBU is

YABU - it's totally standard not to share family or couple meal times.

YANBU- it is out of the ordinary that he won't share family meal times/ sit with you.

OP posts:

thenightsky · 29/09/2020 22:56

@PurpleDaisies

It sounds like an actual issue with eating rather than him just being an arse.

Nah... OP says he 'completely' relaxes when eating with others. I''d just stop including him. Let him cook for himself and eat alone.

WeakandWobbly · 29/09/2020 22:56

He sounds like he has a sensory processing disorder. He is able to mask it in company, but copes at home by by leaving the table. Otherwise he becomes highly anxious and is lashing out. Does he exhibit any autistic traits, OP?

PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2020 22:58

Nah... OP says he 'completely' relaxes when eating with others.

Didn’t you bother reading my next post? This “relaxing” could well be masking his true feelings.

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 22:58

Ok so my infant school age daughter doesnt like to eat meat, but she understands that other people eat it and wanted to make him his favourite, she wasnt upset by cooking it and I helped her.

OP posts:

5foot5 · 29/09/2020 23:00

Has he always been like this or just since the DC came along?

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:02

I think he does possibly have some autistic traits. I know this isnt true of all people who have autism but I think he's a bit low empathy (hence not seeing trying her pie as important).
He does really seem to completely relax with others..But perhaps this is just that he's well practised as hes masked for so long?
Gah it's so hard to know.

OP posts:

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:03

Definitely much worse since dc came along. We used to eat most meals together and have a bit of a laugh at meal times. Can't remember the last time he laughed at the table with me

OP posts:

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:06

Yes we have been together for years. I guess Its maybe just a phase of me finding it sad. I'd like us to have more family meal times...not OXO/aunt Bessies adverts but just the basic warmth and jolly chaos of being around the table together sharing a bit about our days.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 29/09/2020 23:07

Maybe if he’s finding meals tricky you could have that time after dinner with drinks instead?

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:08

That's worth a try :)

OP posts:

QueenArseClangers · 29/09/2020 23:14

I really feel for you OP.
Does he at least try and make up for his dinnertime absence by participating fully in family life at other times?

GreyHare · 29/09/2020 23:23

I'm a bit like your husband, as I find eating with others really hard work, I love and adore my nieces and nephews (I have no children) but eating at the table with them turns my stomach, the noise, the chewing, scraping of cutlery on plates, chewing with their mouths open, talking with food in their mouths, touching things, breathing on the food etc and then add my Dad's clicking jaw and my Mother's slurping and scrunching/slurping and I feel honestly ill, so I can't face eating when they do, I will sit at the table with them but only because it's a weekly thing and I can distract myself just enough to cope, but if I had to do it every night I would lose the plot.

I mean at times I have physically threatened violence on my DH for chewing loudly, and I meant it in that split second.

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:25

He does do bedtime for the youngest, and does have them for 13 hours when I am at work so he does do family stuff. He isn't too keen on family day out style activities but he does join in games (the kids are good cajolers).

OP posts:

TitsOutForHarambe · 29/09/2020 23:26

Firstly, I wanted to say that I would be very upset about this in your position. We always eat meals as a family whenever it's possible, it's a big priority in this house. So your feelings are very valid.

However I would also say that it sounds like there are some genuine issues here with food. I would sit down to have a proper chat about to try and figure out what's happening. Don't be fobbed off with shitty excuses. He can't expect you to be understanding and supportive of any issues if he completely shuts you out.

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:27

Grey hare he really hates the noise of a knife scrape too. It must be hard for him to find it all so infuriating..is there anything that helps you?

OP posts:

mrwalkensir · 29/09/2020 23:28

My friend's daughter fakes being able to deal with eating sounds at school, but it's really really tough on her. Just ask him if it's the issue? He may be relieved to download...

ViciousJackdaw · 29/09/2020 23:30

I can't stand eating noises, people talking with their mouths full and food all over faces. It looks and sounds repulsive. It makes me physically flinch. I know I'm not alone with this and it may be the case that your DH feels the same.

What are you and your DCs table manners like? Are there eating noises? Does anyone talk with their mouth full? Does food get everywhere? If so, perhaps you will say 'But they're children...'. That doesn't make it any more tolerable, sorry.

I'm not suggesting that mealtimes should hark back to Victorian times but if there is any of the above happening at the dining table then perhaps try and encourage change. Things like 'Sorry sweetie, I can't hear what you are saying when you are chewing at the same time, tell me when you've finished that mouthful' or 'Remember we need to keep ourselves clean' sound much kinder than 'Gawd, you eat like a pig' or 'Can you not get food everywhere'.

GarlicSoup · 29/09/2020 23:31

A family member has issues eating in front of others, but he is autistic.

saraclara · 29/09/2020 23:32

I could barely get through a meal at the table with my family when I was a teenager. I'd never heard of misophonia (I doubt that anyone had) but my mum's crunching and slurping was truly more than I could bear. I often used to have to find excuses to leave the table for a minute in the middle of a meal to pull myself together.

But I never had a problem if we were joined by others, or eating at someone else's house (with my mum) because the chatter and the novelty distracted me for the noise.
I'm far from convinced that she was even that loud. Certainly no-one else noticed it and it's not like she ate with her mouth open or anything. But something about those noises just did for me.

He needs to face up to this and address it for the sake of your kids. But I don't think he's setting out to be a dick, as other people have said. The fact that it bothers him at home but not when he's out, is exactly what it was like for me. It's not that he's putting the effort in for others but not for you. It is actually different.

Alexindiamondarmour · 29/09/2020 23:33

@GreyHare I am the same. It makes me feel so sick listening to others eat, I can’t even listen to my gorgeous kids eating. I sit there talking myself down in my head but if I’ve had a noise overload during the day that’s the absolute last straw.

How is your DH with other noise generally OP? Does he have tinnitus or any other complaints with his ears?

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:34

That makes sense saraclara thank you.

OP posts:

CutToChase · 29/09/2020 23:35

This is so weird. Its awful OP

RelaisBlu · 29/09/2020 23:37

Can you confirm OP that he does actually eat? Because some of the details you mention - making excuses not to eat with you, tension around food, leaving the table as soon as he can - sound like classic symptoms of an eating disorder. And I say that as the mother of DD who suffered from anorexia for 8 years (now recovered, thank god!)

AdoraBell · 29/09/2020 23:37

If this was my DH I would be preparing meals for myself and DC and he would be either doing his own food or not eating.

Your H can control his reactions at other houses, so he can do the same with his family, ie his spouse and children.

Original poster

NewtoHolland · 29/09/2020 23:38

My eldest has sensory needs and her coordination/ table manners are poor, probably like a younger child...But that isn't her fault. I try to encourage not speaking with their mouthful but they do both make mmm yummy kind of noises while eating which he finds hard.

OP posts:

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