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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2.5 years old with a dummy

51 replies

Ghvama · 29/09/2020 20:29

My 2.5 year old non verbal child has SEN and is currently on the pathway for an autism diagnosis, he has global developmental delay (confirmed) and alot of sensory issues.

He attends a special nursery for children with additional needs.

He still has a dummy at nap/bed time and searches for it if he's having a meltdown as it's a source of comfort for him and helps him to self regulate / sooth. I have no problem with this but do limit it during the day.

I have never sent him to nursery with one until the nursery manager asked if he had one for nap times and if so then to send it in, since then I've put one in his bag for when they have their afternoon naps.

Today she remarked that he's getting too old for the dummy.

He's not the only child there to have a dummy in fact I think at least half of the (small group of) children do, some older than him, so I feel she is being slightly unreasonable.

Life is difficult enough for him without me taking away something that makes him feel secure/calm.

AIBU to let him have a dummy at this age?

OP posts:
ChocoholicMama · 29/09/2020 20:33

My almost three doesn't have any medical or sensory issues and still needs the dummy at nighttime and when he's distressed during the day. We've tried a few times to remove it completely and it just distresses him. We'll keep trying but I'm not going to force it when I don't think he's ready. Every child is different, and a sweeping statement like your nursery has given is not helpful.

Ohalrightthen · 29/09/2020 20:34

The issue is that prolonged dummy use impacts speech, teeth, eating etc. The advice is to get rid of dummies by a year, as otherwise they can have negative effects on development. I imagine if the nursery is talking to you about it, they're also talking to the other parents. You won't be being singled out.

UnicornAndSparkles · 29/09/2020 20:36

YANBU
You know your child best.
My LG had a dummy for sleep until she was 2.5yo. We went cold turkey when we felt the time was right, after advice from the dentist that it wasn't yet affecting her teeth but would between the ages of 3 and 4.

rabbitheadlights · 29/09/2020 20:36

My 2 yr old ds sounds very similar to yours also non verbal, gdd and spd unknown re autism as yet but he has a dummy all day most days and nights and I dont plan on taking it away from him any time soon or even not soon tbh

thedifferentlive · 29/09/2020 20:36

This might be due to the speech delay. It is suggested to get rid off dummy. I feel for you, it is difficult to remove. Try cutting the end, that worked for us. It is still a comfort object but the muscles are not engaged as such.

Original poster
Ghvama · 29/09/2020 20:46

Thank you for the replies

In spite of the dummy he is making progress with speech, he knows numbers and colours and can tell you what some pictures of things are. Our paediatrican says that he's still classed as non verbal because there is no meaningful communication IE asking/answering or back and forth dialogue - but the dummy hasn't stopped him saying what he can say if you see what I mean.

I'm not prepared to withhold something that gives him comfort and I'm a bit surprised the nursery would suggest I do Sad

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 29/09/2020 20:49

My DD1 had one until her fourth birthday and she is now a divorce lawyer so it does not mean your child is wrong or won't develop well

Original poster
Ghvama · 29/09/2020 20:53

I appreciate your perspectives, I did expect to be told I'm unreasonable.

I have a feeling that the nursery want dummys gone in general as they've caused some faff. The nursery was asked to replace (the cost of) a dummy by a parent after one was lost.

I wouldn't expect them to replace one of mine if DS lost it but I don't think he should feel the consequences of another parents complaint either.

OP posts:
Holyforkingshirtball · 29/09/2020 20:53

My nt dd had a dummy when she was in her cot for naps / sleep until she was over 3 until we went cold turkey until we went on holiday and forgot to pack them. She is now 5, her teeth are perfect and her speech is advanced for her age (and never stops!)

thedifferentlive · 29/09/2020 21:28

@Ghvama it looks like you made up your mind. You are the parent and only you can decide what you feel is in the best interest of your child. My only suggestion is that you might need to remove it at some point and to search for other object that might give him comfort.

Original poster
Ghvama · 29/09/2020 21:34

Oh absolutely, I know it's not something he should have indefinitely.

I plan to wean him away from it and find an alternative in good time for reception, I just think it's too soon for him yet.

I'm glad to read it's not so out of the ordinary for 2.5

OP posts:
DueNumberTwo · 29/09/2020 21:37

My son had one until he was almost 3 for nap and bedtime. Think it was a couple of months before he turned 3 I took it off him. No SEN.
I had one until I was 4 I think! No SEN.

marmite79 · 29/09/2020 21:39

I have two children with sen - oldest has autism.

My eldest had his dummy until 3.5 - gave it up on his own.

My youngest was about 4 when she give it up - I know that sounds terrible.

They are 9 and 5 now. You cannot tell they had a dummy until a later age.

Admittedly they were speech delayed but was told that no dummy wouldn't have made much difference. It was their sen causing their speech delay not their dummy use.

As long as your child's dummy use is not excessive during the day then I'd keep it for now if it gives comfort.

I never sent mine to pre school or nursery with them though just because they didn't need them. I just wanted them to be used to attending without relying on one. They didn't nap there though!

DonaldTrumpsChopper · 29/09/2020 21:39

Could you wean him off it during the day, bit keep it for night time? At that age, we encouraged DS to leave his in his bed with a teddy.

He stopped just before his 3rd birthday, after he'd chewed through the last packet. Clearly just lost the need to suck.

Original poster
Ghvama · 29/09/2020 21:48

When he first joined the nursery this summer I didn't plan to send him with one at all. After about 6 weeks I felt he was doing fine but it was the nursery who suggested I send it in with him to settle him for nap times as the other children have theirs.

It is only after the incident with another parent asking them to replace a lost dummy that they've said anything at all about him having one so I'm convinced it's about that and nothing else.

When he's at home I tend to keep it out of the way unless he's tired or distressed at which point he goes looking for it and if he can't find it a meltdown follows Blush

OP posts:
RubaDubMum89 · 29/09/2020 22:02

Take it away when he's ready op. My almost 4 year old still has hers at bed time. We plan on swapping it with santa this year.

Dunnowhat2do · 29/09/2020 22:03

my autistic daughter had her dummy until she was 3.5 years old. I was told many times it will delay her speech further (she had speech delay issues) and as much as I tried to remove it, she wasn't ready. We did a gradual thing in the end, she stopped using it at nursery from about 3 years old and then it became a bedtime only thing. I told her the dummy fairy needed it for another child who can't sleep and that was that. I did use that line a few times before but she wasn't ready for another child to use her precious dummy before then.

Don't rush it, they are only small for a very short amount of time. They'll give you comments like "it'll delay speech" but in my experience i don't believe the dummy was the reason for my child's speech delay.

The dummy is a comfort-the same way kids get attached to bedtime teddy, bottles and so on. There is nothing wrong with that.

Cam2020 · 29/09/2020 22:11

Children do things in their own time, I've learned. Pre child me would be horrified that my 3.5 year old still has a dummy when she's tired or upset, the actual parent me knows that she'll give it up when she's ready. She's been in no way delayed at all by it - talks and eats loads! I don't really agree with pushing children to grow up before they're ready. Trying and seeing if they're ready, encouraging and setting boundaries are all fine but forcing a small child to give up a comfort, when they're already facing so many changes in growing up and become independent is a bit cruel in my opinion.

Sleepinyourofficeinstead · 29/09/2020 22:20

My 2.5yo has no additional needs and she loves her dummy. She has it for sleep, if she's upset or tired. She'll stop in her own time, just as she'll potty train in her own time. Her speech is not in the slightest delayed, she'll talk the hind legs off a donkey and is very clear with good vocab.

We've only just weaned off a bottle within the past month as previous attempts upset her, so I'm not in the habit of rushing the DC.

Smile and nod with the nursery, say you're fine with him having it just now, and forget about it.

DressingGownofDoom · 29/09/2020 22:27

My 3.5 year old still has a dummy for sleep or when upset, or when I just can't wrestle it from him Blush he does have a speech and language delay (SEN related not dummy related) so his understanding isn't really at the level where I can say we'll leave it out for the dummy fairy or Father Christmas yet and it seems cruel to just take it away from him. It might not be ideal, but it's not unusual for kids to be really attached to their dummies.

MeadowHay · 29/09/2020 22:30

Who the fuck would vote YABU to this Hmm ? 2.5 is a totally normal age for kids to still have a dummy for sleep and as an otherwise occasional soother. Nevermind the fact that your child has SEN and GDD! I am struggling to believe a member of staff in a specialist nursery could make such a comment. DD is just under 2.5 and I've seen plenty of 3 yr olds at her nursery with dummies.

glowworm93 · 29/09/2020 22:31

Doesn't seem that old to me. I thought the most common age to give it up was around 3 (when they drop the nap), that's what most people I know seem to have done.

Bupkis · 29/09/2020 22:40

We had similar with ds, when he was at a specialist opportunity centre. They were incredibly judgemental, and I was quite shocked at their attitude in general. Ds hated it there, and we stopped going.

Original poster
Ghvama · 29/09/2020 22:45

I am struggling to believe a member of staff in a specialist nursery could make such a comment.

Yes I would have too until it happened. It's true.

As I said above, I believe the catalyst to this is the nursery not wanting the headache that comes with parents complaining about lost dummies.

It's true.

OP posts:
Phoenix76 · 29/09/2020 22:46

Let him keep his dummy op. Our eldest had one until 4 and the dentist couldn’t even tell, she also excelled at speech and was selected for main speaking parts in school plays, we did use the dummies that claimed to be better for dental issues though. I hate the rush to make them grow up quickly, must potty train early, must wean early blah blah they already grow up too quickly.