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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

2.5 years old with a dummy

51 replies

Ghvama · 29/09/2020 20:29

My 2.5 year old non verbal child has SEN and is currently on the pathway for an autism diagnosis, he has global developmental delay (confirmed) and alot of sensory issues.

He attends a special nursery for children with additional needs.

He still has a dummy at nap/bed time and searches for it if he's having a meltdown as it's a source of comfort for him and helps him to self regulate / sooth. I have no problem with this but do limit it during the day.

I have never sent him to nursery with one until the nursery manager asked if he had one for nap times and if so then to send it in, since then I've put one in his bag for when they have their afternoon naps.

Today she remarked that he's getting too old for the dummy.

He's not the only child there to have a dummy in fact I think at least half of the (small group of) children do, some older than him, so I feel she is being slightly unreasonable.

Life is difficult enough for him without me taking away something that makes him feel secure/calm.

AIBU to let him have a dummy at this age?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghvama · 29/09/2020 22:46

Excuse the second 'it's true' in my above post I somehow copied and pasted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghvama · 29/09/2020 22:49

Thanks all, he'll definitely be keeping it.

Similarly to PP's who noted their child's lack of understanding, DS is the same. If I were to try and bribe him with Santa or the dummy fairly he just wouldn't have any concept.

OP posts:
Amimissingsomethinghere · 29/09/2020 23:02

My 2.5 year old still has a dummy for sleeping and soothing. He has no issues. Ignore nursery!

Pixxie7 · 29/09/2020 23:24

You know your child and what he needs, it’s not for someone else to tell you.

aToadOnTheWhole · 29/09/2020 23:36

In your case, no I probably wouldn't take it off him. He has additional needs and it's his comfort item.

My DS had one for nap and bedtime until he was about 2.5 and we took him to the dentist. Dentist took one look and told me that the dummy was pushing his teeth forward and starting to misshape his palette. (We'd never seen that dentist before and a dummy hadnt been mentioned at any previous appointments). I took it away that night and he's never had one since.

Generalblah · 30/09/2020 08:42

Please note that I was given a dummy until I was ready to give it up (around 4 my mum says) and my teeth are perfectly straight with no issues, my speech was always fantastic (concersations had at 1 year old) and in no other way have I suffered from having a dummy.

My sister and brothee the same - both have lovely teeth and no issues.

Mrsjayy · 30/09/2020 08:48

If he is in a specialist nursery then I don't understand why they are not more open to comforters and attachments it seems odd that this is mentioned at all he is 2 and a half it isn't that unusual for kids to have dummies for naps. I would explain it soothes him and you will be sending it in for his naps, as if you don't have enough to deal with this is dumped on you.Flowers

Mrsjayy · 30/09/2020 08:50

my dd had hers for bed till she was nearly 3 no speech delays or whatnot.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 30/09/2020 08:57

Under normal circumstances I would say get rid of it. I got rid of DS's at that age.

But given the additional needs YANBU.

MeadowHay · 30/09/2020 16:42

@Ghvama Hi OP - I just saw your response to my post. I apologise, I was not trying to say you had made it up, I just meant I was so surprised I could hardly believe it! Sorry if that was unclear. All the best.

Anordinarymum · 30/09/2020 16:45

OP only you should decide if the dummy needs to go. I would say if the dummy or 'dody' as we used to call it is affecting your child's teeth, then maybe 'Santa' could take it when he calls, otherwise leave it a while longer.

CruCru · 30/09/2020 17:17

I think it might be worth taking him to a dentist and asking the dentist what they think. The only reason we got rid of the dummies was the dentist said they were causing jaw problems - he could tell that my son had one just from looking. If it isn't causing a problem then it's probably okay to keep it.

x2boys · 30/09/2020 17:48

My severely Autistic ten year old had a dummy untill he was four ,it was a sensory thing to as he used to wrap cotton round it ,he eventually just threw it across the room one night and never wanted it again ,.

SideAfries · 30/09/2020 18:09

My 3.5 DD still has one. I haven’t even tried getting rid yet, I know I should... but we’re moving house, nurseries & potty training. Nows just not the right time.

I couldn’t be less bothered tbh!

MeadowHay · 01/10/2020 19:51

@CruCru this was my plan as my 2 yr old was due her 2nd ever dental checkup in June but it got cancelled. Our dentist informs us they still have no plans to resume routine appointments. I have also called a few other nearby dentists and none would take any new patients. So God knows when she will see a dentist again.

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 01/10/2020 19:53

YANBU. I have a toddler the same age. Although he doesn't have a dummy, some of his friends of the same age do and they don't have SEN.

Abitlikeabiscuit · 01/10/2020 21:48

I've not read every reply so mainly commenting on the OP and first few posts. I'm a speech and language therapist. Yes, the general advice is to get rid of dummies by a year. Yes, I do see children with specific speech sound substitutions likely due to dummy use (using 'c/k' for 't' is a big one - so 'tiger' would be pronounced 'kiger')
But: removing a dummy where a child is very attached could be quite a traumatic event for them. Sometimes a dummy isn't a bad thing as the positives it provides for a child outweigh the potential negatives.
The evidence for dummies causing speech and language problems also is not at all strong. If your child and you aren't ready to give it up, try to:

  • Keep it to nap and bedtime as much as possible
  • Don't let your child speak with a dummy in their mouth, ask them to remove it when they have something to say
Original poster
Ghvama · 08/10/2020 10:49

Another critique today:

"Yeah but please we need to work together about self care skills feeding. Sitting by table till the end no distractions. At the moment he has a support worker during feeding time otherwise he would run off with food in his hand. Again he is little but working on his concentration skills."

He's two and has special needs Confused

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 08/10/2020 11:15

This place sounds like they are trying to "normalise" him im sorry to have used that term I didn't know how else to put it,but as you said he is 2 with specific needs.

theboardgame · 08/10/2020 11:16

I don't see any criticism here. I used to work with SEN and it is understandable that they want to point out about the issues that need addressing. They try to work on need about self care skills feeding, which is extremely important and ask you to work on it at home as well.

FlyingByTheSeatof · 08/10/2020 11:37

I got my DS to stop using his dummy by poking a hole in it and he just didnt like using it anymore and didnt expect another one.

However if you do try this tactic and he still wants his dummy no matter what then have another one on stand by just in case.

If it soothes him then who is anyone to say whether he should have one or not. The only thing is it could damage his teeth and make them grow upwards and outwards which is the main reason I did what I did.

Original poster
Ghvama · 08/10/2020 11:46

I do plan on trying to phase the dummy out over the next year so I'll remember the suggestions here when they time comes (cutting the end off or putting a hole in it) thank you.

I too feel like they're trying to 'normalize' him which beggars belief as it's a nursery for disabled children. He's not going to sit still and quietly at a table in a large hall full of enticing sensory things and a ton of toys. I think even NT toddlers would struggle, surely?

I think he's doing brilliantly, with his SEN taken into consideration, to be able to sit at a table and eat with cutlery at 2.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ghvama · 08/10/2020 11:53

I mean, I accept he's susceptible to distraction and will get up / try to leave the table before dinner is finished but the fact he will sit there and eat with cutlery at all is pretty remarkable given his age and additional needs.

I've worked hard to get him to this point but it's impossible to work against his SEN and expect him to behave in a certain way, as opposed to adapting to the individuals needs.

Limited concentration span, fidgeting, susceptibility to distraction, limited understanding etc are all factors that go hand in hand with SEN. It's untenable to expect these things not to be an issue Sad

OP posts:
theboardgame · 08/10/2020 12:00

@Ghvama If they are SEN nursery, you should be rest reassured that they would know your child and his abilities. It is quite understandable that you might feel that due to his SEN he might not able to do this, but if they feel that independent eating is possible than I would practice as suggested. You might be surprised.

bluebluezoo · 08/10/2020 12:01

I don’t think 2.5 is too old for a NT child, let alone an SEN child.

My children both had dummies until about 3.5. With my eldest I listened to the “advice” and tried to remove it earlier. She just sucked her thumb. I wasn’t having a thumb sucker so I gave her back the dummy until she didn’t need the comfort. About 3.5 she gave it up with no issues.

Both my kids are teens with no dental, speech or other issues. The dentist couldn’t tell they’d had a dummy- and in fact said the teeth of thumb suckers are usually far worse as it’s harder to give up.

I have an SEN nephew who had a dummy until he was 8. He would take them off younger siblings and other kids so it was all but impossible to remove.

Guess what? No dental issues, no speech impediment. His speech is poor but that is due to his very severe autism, he can speak perfectly well, just chooses not to.