Adult has gone non contact

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Adult DD 22 has been no contact for two years. I have profusely apologised about the impact my having undiagnosed CPSTD (until recently) has had on her childhood. I feel I have done my best to ‘do’ sorry but she is adamant that my behaviour is unforgivable. Behaviour typical of PTSD - sudden explosive anger and then withdrawal. Understandably, extremely distressing for a child. I am genuinely so sorry. I agree that I should never have had children. I just didn’t understand.

Is this really irretrievable?

Not necessarily but the ball is well and truly in your dd's court. You've apologised so now you should respect her decision and give her space until she chooses to contact you. In the meantime, hard as it is, get on with your life.

You need to give her time. Do you know if she is receiving any therapeutic input?

If you want to do anything then send a card saying what you have here (not the bit about not having children), and that you'll always be there when she is ready.

It's a terrible situation for both of you. Hopefully you are also receiving support to manage your condition and also in managing what must feel like a deep loss.

It is if your daughter feels it is.
I'm sorry. It must be so painful but you have to respect her decision. It takes a lot for a child to get to that point with a parent.

Sadly, it may be. Perhaps you could write her a letter to try and begin to repair the relationship. If I were you, I would also offer to pay for joint counselling sessions so the two of you can communicate with the help of a professional therapist. Hopefully, your daughter will be agreeable to that.

If your child suffered effectively some abuse at your hands, then your penitence, your explanation and your effort to try and mend things will help them come to terms with what happened but there is no guarantee that your child will forgive, or want a relationship with you.

I think you need to back off - make it clear you would live to be in contact and it doesnt matter how much time passes, you will be waiting. And then see if time helps. Perhaps they will get some counselling, some distance and feel like they want to tru again with you.

You have your explanation for your trauma, and that will help you come to terms with it.

She needs to come to terms with the trauma that you put her through, this may result in her speaking to you again, or maybe it won't, it is solely down to her to do what she needs to do to come to terms with her childhood.

Sorry its difficult for you, but her feelings matter too.

I have a family member in her 20’s (that is related by marriage) who has been put through an entire lifetimes worth of trauma due to her mothers mental health. She has spent years trying to help, accommodate, play down and make excuses for her mothers awful behaviour towards her.

From an outsiders perspective she was neglected, walked all over, confidence knocked out of her to the point it affected her mental health too. The only way she could “get herself better” was to go no contact.

After a couple of years she dared get back in contact and her mother wiped the floor with her again.

Perhaps your daughter is scared. You have many years of making up and proving you can be there for her (as a mother, a friend and support). Don’t expect this to come overnight.

For starters, you claim you have done your best to “ “do” sorry” is a joke. I would love to know what you think this means. You need to actually be sorry if you want a relationship.

I’m sorry this may seem harsh but I have seen the other side of the coin.

That sounds really tough. I had a tough childhood with my mother and she apologised which I accepted. There were times when I’d happily never see her again but time helped and I had to understand there was a culture clash (she’s not from the U.K.) Unfortunately you’ll have to respect her decision. I do hope you’re both able to connect at some point as people in this situation do often change their minds

She maybe feels,she needs to be NC to protect herself if she feels she can’t trust you to not repeat such behaviour.

I’ve been NC with my mother for years due to her appalling and abusive behaviour which she never changed. You can be as sorry as anything but have you done anything to ensure you don’t carry on with this behaviour? Even if you have she may not believe you can change.

I'm really sorry you lived with an undiagnosed mental health issue. But to be totally honest I've seen first hand what mental I'll health can do to children. So although I'm sure you are very sorry. You no doubt had a very significant impact on your dd. Therefore shehas ever right to go no contact. All you can do is show this isn't how you behave now. You aldo need to listen to her and how she feels. Rather than making it about you and how it effects you.

If she knows you're there and would like her to be in your life, all you can do is wait.

It must be hard.

Agree with PP that the ball is in her court. Having said that, I think apologising is all very well and good but you need to be able to show change/improvement. This is tricky obviously as she's refusing to communicate with you.

I'd be inclined to small things, done consistently, in an attempt to demonstrate you're in a different place. So make sure you send birthday cards and small, thoughtful gifts (nothing flashy etc or about you). Reiterate how bad you feel. As a pp suggested, offer to do whatever it takes to make it up to her such as joint counselling to air your issues etc.

It's a difficult line because you do need to respect her boundaries. But at the same time, I don't think it's unreasonable to try to consistently show the door is always open. The trick is to demonstrate that without getting pushy or going too far.

eg if she has siblings who you are still in contact with, is your behaviour now consistently better?Are you able to share with them the things you've done to heal and change your behaviour? Ar you able to demonstrate it?

BIL seems to think that as he's no longer using drugs, his DC should just forgive and forget and has completely missed the part where actually he needs to step up and prove that he can be a father to them. They haven't gone NC so he doesn't even have the excuse you do that his DC don't want anything to do with them. Instead, he just continues to disappoint them and make it their problem that he's a shit father.

No-one here can really answer. I'm NC with my Mum, despite thinking she has MH problems. Even if she was diagnosed and apologised it's too late for me. Hopefully it's not the same for you, but she must have her reasons for the NC.

I’m NC with a family member who I honestly believe is a narcissist and has treated my DC awfully over the years.
This person says they genuinely have no idea why I am NC despite the fact I could real off many many incidents over the years.
Tbh it’s too late for any apology in my case. I’m afraid your DD may feel the same.
My advice would be to sincerely mean your apology and leave the door open. Maybe in time she’ll come to terms with her past or see you have made a positive change in your life.

I just wanted to check, and I’m not having a pop, but when you say you’ve apologised have you said I am sorry my behaviour was unacceptable? Or have you said I am sorry that my condition was undiagnosed and therefore untreated? Because from the other side one sounds like I’m sorry and the other sounds like it’s wasn’t my fault. I’m not saying it was your fault but when you live in fear of the next explosion you are very very wary of triggers. And putting the blame somewhere else feels like a trigger. The hair on the back of my neck is standing up evening thinking about the “it’s not my fault” conversation.

@phlewf

I just wanted to check, and I’m not having a pop, but when you say you’ve apologised have you said I am sorry my behaviour was unacceptable? Or have you said I am sorry that my condition was undiagnosed and therefore untreated? Because from the other side one sounds like I’m sorry and the other sounds like it’s wasn’t my fault. I’m not saying it was your fault but when you live in fear of the next explosion you are very very wary of triggers. And putting the blame somewhere else feels like a trigger. The hair on the back of my neck is standing up evening thinking about the “it’s not my fault” conversation.

I think this is a really good point. And is linked to my earlier comments about proving and demonstrating that your behaviour has changed, for good.

She suffered abuse at your hands. Sorry doesn't fix it.

Has she been diagnosed with PTSD herself yet? Your post is mostly about you, not her.

My mum had PTSD and BPD, and I know her life was hard but I don't forgive her for the trauma she inflicted on me.

We do still speak, but I find it really hard to say I love you, and mean it.

Sometimes I find myself going to her for motherly advice, and turning around at the last hurdle because I remember all of the trauma she inflicted.

Your daughter's choice to remain NC is hers and hers alone. The more you push for contact the less likely you are to get it.

Every one is accountable for their own behaviour. I won't say every one is in control of their own behaviour because I personally just don't believe that's true, but we all face the consequence of our actions.

Focus on life without her, and try and be a better person going forward for your own sake and not for any one else's.

You may not have known you had PTSD, but you knew you were terrorising your child, no?

Your problem is that whilst you now have some answers for yourself they don't answer your daughter's issues.

You can only sit and wait. No pushing, no demanding.

Accept that your issues harmed your DD and that she may never called me to terms with that, or forgive you.

You can do that for yourself without causing her further distress.

Could you perhaps, as a private exercise for yourself (or possibly with the help of a therapist), try to write out in detail the impact you think your behaviour has had on your DDs life? You clearly know a bit about the psychology behind it all now, so have a real hard think about your daughter, her self esteem, her relationships, her ability to get on in life etc., and be honest with yourself about whether the way you treated her in her childhood could have damaged her chances in those areas. Sorry is only really meaningful when it’s specific, and takes account of the impact your behaviour has had on the other person, and is said with genuine, heartfelt remorse.

How do you ‘do’ sorry? You don’t get a say in whether your sorry was enough.

She doesn’t want to contact you, end of. It’s entirely her decision if she wants to in the future.
It’s great you’ve been diagnosed but that doesn’t change what you did to her.
Try and understand how your daughter must have felt when you ‘exploded’ at her and then shut yourself away.
You will never be able to make up for the damage you caused. You need to see this from her POV, not yours

If you love her, you may have to accept that she may be in a situation where she's better off without you. It's rough but from your guilt and the brutal strength it takes to go NC with a parent, she may never want to speak to you again.

I should have said, that exercise would be for your benefit, not as a way of getting her back, it may be too late for that, as PPs have said, it’s taken a lot for her to get to this point. Cutting off a mother is like the last thing we are biologically programmed to do, so chances are the damage you’ve caused her is possibly too great. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

Have you taken steps to address these behaviours in yourself?