Adult has gone non contact

[31133004Taff]

Adult DD 22 has been no contact for two years. I have profusely apologised about the impact my having undiagnosed CPSTD (until recently) has had on her childhood. I feel I have done my best to ‘do’ sorry but she is adamant that my behaviour is unforgivable. Behaviour typical of PTSD - sudden explosive anger and then withdrawal. Understandably, extremely distressing for a child. I am genuinely so sorry. I agree that I should never have had children. I just didn’t understand.

Is this really irretrievable?

Op, try and see it from her perspective, she spent her childhood in fear of her mother, as did I. Do n’t blame mental illness, you knew it was wrong.

@WiserOwl - the impact on her. Really acknowledge that. Yes. As @SandMason says, with help.

It isnt easy. I have c ptsd, my parents did a SHIT job parenting me. I find it hard to sympathise with my DD when she says "im stressed" . I try. Harder than my mother tried but it doesnt feel natural to me. Jerry Wise is a genius. Listen to all of his videos. He is a "bowen family systems therapist"

My mother had a mental illness. This is about her not you. She doesn’t have to forgive you for ruining her childhood. Respect her decisions and leave her alone.

I've got a bad relationship with my mum, I've reduced contact drastically over the last 18 months due to many reasons. One of the major factors is if I ever comment on the way I was brought up she blames her own childhood and says she became a mother at a young age and didn't know any better. She accepts no responsibility. I am not the best mother to my child and a lot of that is down to my own childhood but its up to me to do better and address that because I'm not the little girl who needs more from her mummy anymore. I am the adult and I need to do better for the little girl who needs more from her mummy now.
I had a major falling out with my mum a few months ago and one thing I asked her was to leave me alone and all I got for several weeks was a barrage of calls and texts about how unbearable it was for her. Absolutely zero respect for how I felt or what I needed. I get no enjoyment from our relationship at all. I think you need to think about what is best for your daughter now and whats going to make her happier rather than how you can sort this so you feel happier.

I’m 15 years NC with my ‘mother’ there will
never be an apology from her and I wouldn’t accept it.
Sometimes there is no forgiving and we need to accept being related isn’t an obligation to have a relationship, we don’t tolerate abusive behaviour from friends why should we accept and forgive relatives?
Leave her be, just leave her be.

@WiserOwl - I can really relate to your comment. Yes I will watch Jerry Wise. As with all inter generational family behaviour, this isa cycle that needs to be healed to protect the next generation.

I haven't had any contact with my parents for years. My mother in particular has extreme mental health issues and she causes a lot of problems for me and my children. She is very nasty and manipulative. She has said so many things and done so many things to me and my kids and she has a real hatred for my husband whom she demands is no good for me. I have tried to make amends and forgiven countless times, gone round and even my husband has taken her hospital and picked up her medication and we did her shopping too. She called me 3 years ago to tell me to stop forcing her to my religion and that my husband is no good and to wake up and divorce him. I wasn't trying to force her to my religion. I was actually telling her some interesting facts about Islam, that we belive in mother Mary too but we call her Maryam. But in her head, I am doing something really evil.

I haven't heard from her since then and have decided no more. I had a pretty horrible childhood too and just want to give my kids can have a better childhood than what I had.

IT'S very unfortunate that op is in this situation. And am happy you want to make it up. Some people forgive easier than others. And some just find it hard it to forgive and forget. I still do. My mother knows am pregnant through my grandparents but hasn't even lifted the phone to ask at least if the pregnancy is going OK.

Maybe write a letter to your child informing her that you are truly sorry, and you regret and really want to make things up. And that you have made changes and just want to be a part of her life.

@31133004Taff

I feel I have done my best to ‘do’ sorry but she is adamant that my behaviour is unforgivable.

What do you mean by this? Others are making guesses, but I'd like to know what that means to you. "done my best to 'do' sorry" is an odd phrasing of it.

What exactly did you do to her / how badly did you treat her?

I was NC with my father from 15 till his death 7 or 8 years later.

He beat me, explosive anger related to gambling and alcohol, neglect, always put him first. I know he had addiction issues and thats why things were as they were, it dont mean i forgive or forget. He did NOTHING at the time to get help and i suffered.
His behavior and treatment changed the whole course of my life, affected my mental health which i still struggle with now

Sorry but ball is in her court, you need to back off.
The more you push, the more likely it is she will disappear from your life forever
All well and good you diagnosed now but thats cold comfort to someone who lived through the abuse of the undiagnosed and untreated you

I'm also interested in what you have done to demonstrate how sorry you are. I have had a difficult relationship with my mother for similar (but not as serious) reasons and one of the things I find so infuriating is her inability to properly apologise for how she was. She pretty much refuses to discuss it, makes veiled references to things, puts a spin on events to minimise them, and changes the subject if I try to tackle it head on, or turns on the waterworks and tells me I don't understand how hard things were for her. She once sent me a card out of the blue saying she hoped I'd had a happy childhood; anyone who knows their child had a happy childhood wouldn't need to do that. What would make a huge difference for me is a proper heartfelt apology about her behaviour and it's impact on me. I know I won't get one though, she just isn't capable of it, and that defines our relationship, I'm now nearly 50. I would imagine she feels she's apologised, whereas to me what I've received are excuses not apologies.

We do have a decent relationship and we speak regularly (we live far apart) but I control how much I let her into my life, which I know upsets and frustrates her particularly as she's getting older and wants support and to be closer. She's changed so much and is now very much a sweet old lady, but that doesn't change my childhood at all. I still find actually seeing her incredibly stressful even though on the surface our relationship seems ok and works fine over the phone.

But, this is how I need things to be to be happy and mentally healthy, and it's my absolute right to do so, the same as your daughter has the right to remain NC with you for the rest of your/her life if that's how she keeps happy and healthy. You do not get to be the injured party here because her NC upsets you.

It sounds like you are taking on board people's advice, which is great. I really really encourage you though to think about this from your daughters perspective, not yours. Your apology needs to be genuine, deep, and about her, not about you. All you can do then us leave the door open; everything else then is up to her and you need to respect that.

I want to say thank you to people who have shared their experience of living with a parent with MH issues. It must have been very difficult to have shared such raw experiences.

I just want to reassure you that my daughter has spoken to family members about it and no one has recommended that she take any formal action apart from not having contact nor has anyone raised any concerns they may have with me, her father included. I hope that reassures those of you who might have felt distressed by this thread.

‘Do’ sorry. I am doing things that show I am taking responsibility, ie, seeking psychological help, hence suggestion of CPTSD and now offer of EMDR. Responding directly to her account rather than ignoring.

Ah right that makes sense then. Most you can do is stay open to her then so she can reach out to you if she wants.

Personally I would just leave her alone.

I'm NC with my mother for a year now and tbh the relief of not having her constantly bothering me still hasnt faded and I'm not sure it ever will.

An apology is what society expects and may be genuine but the fact is that it's not always enough.

It doesnt make anything right and it doesnt heal the damage done. She has to be in the right place for a relationship with you and that may never be the case.

Must be hard OP. YABU though its your daughter I feel for.