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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult has gone non contact

66 replies

31133004Taff · 29/09/2020 17:00

Adult DD 22 has been no contact for two years. I have profusely apologised about the impact my having undiagnosed CPSTD (until recently) has had on her childhood. I feel I have done my best to ‘do’ sorry but she is adamant that my behaviour is unforgivable. Behaviour typical of PTSD - sudden explosive anger and then withdrawal. Understandably, extremely distressing for a child. I am genuinely so sorry. I agree that I should never have had children. I just didn’t understand.

Is this really irretrievable?

OP posts:
DumplingsAndStew · 29/09/2020 18:30

She's already hurting. Saying you shouldn't have had her won't help.

FubsyRambler · 29/09/2020 18:33

Was there no one in your daughter’s life who had a good relationship with her? Put her first?
Is she a stable adult, in a positive non-abusive relationship, got a job?
She will need to feel in control of her own life before she’s prepared to look back on the mess that was her childhood, she may just want to leave and keep going. Either way, it’s her choice.
Two years is nothing, healing takes time.

maxineputyourredshoeson · 29/09/2020 18:35

My childhood was horrific due to my mums MH issues (diagnosed) and then the death of my brother. I saw and heard things from a very young age that nobody should ever see/hear. I was let down by everyone from the adults around me to doctors and teachers - and everything between.

I’m still in contact with my mum, in fact I would say I’m close to her, well as close as I can be. She is stable now and had been for many years. She has apologised to me for the past, well as much as she can. That doesn’t stop me living my life in fear I’m always waiting for the other foot to fall. If truth be told if my brother hadn’t died I would probably not be in contact with her, I feel as if I can’t abandon her.

I have severe MH (as well as physical, nothing to do with my childhood just bad luck) issues. I have attempted suicide twice and have spent many years under the local MH hospital, which ironically is who my mother was under.

As painful as it is for you that your daughter is NC with you, I can guarantee it will be just as painful, if not more, for her.

RoseGoldNails · 29/09/2020 18:38

She has been abused for years. A “sorry” will not cut it. She might even have PTSD because of her childhood. When did you say sorry? Have you actually shown her that you’re sorry? You can’t use mental health as an excuse for hurting your DD for years.

I think my DM has undiagnosed BPD and PTSD. Walked on egg shells throughout my childhood. I have mental health issues, possibly due to my upbringing.

You need to give her time to heal.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 29/09/2020 18:39

When you say CPTSD, do you mean this as interchangeable terminology for BPD/EUPD? I ask as some people do.

Original poster
31133004Taff · 29/09/2020 18:41

I have attempted the suggestions here and I thank you all for taking time to share those. I was at the end of my tether wondering what I could next and the consensus is to give her time and make sure the door is open. If she does make contact to be very gentle for us both.

OP posts:
Staffy1 · 29/09/2020 18:44

Good luck OP, I hope both of you reconnect eventually Flowers

Original poster
31133004Taff · 29/09/2020 18:44

@DiscombobulatedAf. - thank you.

OP posts:
Proudling · 29/09/2020 18:44

I always tell DD that “sorry” should be understood in this way:

If you kick someone in the shins and then say sorry, it doesn’t stop their shin really hurting. Sorry is only the starting point, not the cure.

If you’ve sincerely said sorry, and taken full responsibility, then that is just the start and only time will tell if she stops hurting enough to forgive you or have a relationship with you. That part is wholly up to her.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 29/09/2020 18:48

I have CPTSD which is mostly down to having a mentally ill mother who refused all treatment (she thought gin and coke were better options) and abused and neglected me. I've been NC for 17 years, and was low contact for a year in the middle of that and it absolutely wrecked me, never again.

I think you're under estimating the damage you could have done.

MintyMabel · 29/09/2020 19:16

Reiterate how bad you feel.

I disagree. It’s not about how bad OP feels.

Fedupoftheworld · 29/09/2020 19:16

I think you should focus on yourself, keep making positive changes to your life and just tell her gently that the door will always be open.
Then leave it. If she contacts you, great! If she doesn’t then this is something you’ll just need to learn to live with. It really depends on her and how damaging she feels you are.

Ansjovis · 29/09/2020 19:17

All you can do is give her time but then I think you know that. Speaking from experience, the process of coming to terms with the fact that sometimes your parents don't have all the answers and for whatever reason can't keep you safe is difficult and there are many stages that you have to go through. It's also quite common to regress and need to work through the same thing multiple times.

If she does make contact, ensure that you put her and her needs front and center in the conversation. My mother likes to center the conversation around herself and while I do feel some sympathy for her it does nothing to convince me that she truly understands and regrets the lasting damage that was caused. It isn't her fault that she has poor mental health but neither was it my fault that I was born into that situation. The adult in the situation is the one who has all the choices, not the child and when the adult could have made better decisions (in my case mum could have distanced herself from me) they need to fully own that.

SandMason · 29/09/2020 19:19

This is such a heartbreaking thread, so much pain in here, so many posters who have been forced to the awful decision of NC. Flowers to all of you. OP has had a roasting, so fair play to her if she’s still reading. Gotta ask yourself, would your mother have even opened this discussion in the first place? Mine wouldn’t.

Original poster
31133004Taff · 29/09/2020 19:24

@Eckhart - kind words. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
31133004Taff · 29/09/2020 19:25

@Proudling - wise words. Thank you

OP posts:
Krampusasbabysitter · 29/09/2020 19:29

Sadly, you failed your daughter at the most basic level. You may be sorry but this does not mean that your daughter needs to accept it or that it helps to lessen the damage you have inflicted on her. If she decides to stay NC for the rest of your life then you need to accept that too. Two years in the scheme of thing is nothing. At least show some patience. It's not about you when it comes to her life.

Original poster
31133004Taff · 29/09/2020 19:33

@SandMason Thank you. The suggestion you made initially, although really hard I think could be really cathartic and as @Azif says I can focus on her. Thank you both.

It’s worth the roasting to get these suggestions and thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
31133004Taff · 29/09/2020 19:36

@Staffy1 - again thank you for your kindness and frank thoughts.

OP posts:
WiserOwl · 29/09/2020 19:42

Look in to jerry wise family systems on youtube. It will help you be ready if she does come back. My mum is not speaking to me atm because i told her she hurt me. She is very defence and stonewalled me. So i am a daughter who felt hurt by her mother, but all i want is for her to feel sorry and say sorry.

2 years is a long time.
What was the issue?
Did you choose a man over her?
That could take along long long time to work through.
My mum damaged me scapegoatimg me. Id just love that to be acknowledged. Not minimised. Acknowledged.
Hope that helps

WiserOwl · 29/09/2020 19:45

Oh explosive anger and withdrawal :-/
Sorry. I missed that.

Carry on with your own treatment so that if she makes contact you say the right things (in the circs)

Original poster
31133004Taff · 29/09/2020 20:01

@WiserOwl - Jerry Wise - that looks really useful. Thank you

OP posts:
TenShortStories · 29/09/2020 20:13

I agree with lots of the above. Make sure that any time you say sorry it is for something that affected her. For instance don't say "I'm sorry I wasn't enough" or "I'm sorry for being so ill" as these come across as a) a bit self pitying and still all about you, and b) those statements don't actually acknowledge anything that she suffered.

Try instead to apologise for something that you directly affected in a detailed way. Show that you really understand the impact of the way you were, such as:

"I'm so sorry that you spent your childhood walking on eggshells because you didn't know when I might lose temper about something tiny. It was terribly unfair on you." or "I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long to really understand and apologise for how difficult it was for you growing up - it must have been very difficult going through all of that and then having me downplay it. I'm listening now if you ever want to talk through anything that happened.".

You know when people talk about circles of grief? They say you always have to reach to someone on a level further out for support, never in. So if my good friend has lost her husband, I can be her emotional support, but I need to find someone else to lean on when I'm feeling upset about it. This is a bit like that - you have obviously suffered a lot yourself, but you can't talk about that to explain her trauma. Your role now needs to be making whatever space she needs for her trauma to heal, and you'll have to express your own needs and feelings elsewhere, as tough as that is. You may already have done this, but i just wanted to spell in out just in case.

Original poster
31133004Taff · 29/09/2020 20:22

@TenShortStories - thank you. Acknowledging her experience When expressed in this way, it feels possible. This what and how I will explore through counselling.

OP posts:
WiserOwl · 29/09/2020 21:35

I think saying that you know being sorry doesnt make the damager your anger did to her go away would be helpful. It is about the impact on her. Really acknowledge that.

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