Are these 2 scenarios the same in principle, and who IBU?

[mrsm43s]

So disagreement with DH on this.
Two different scenarios, and two different opinions on who is to blame for the issues.

Scenario 1
One person puts washing in basket, without checking pockets etc
Other person puts washing straight from basket into machine and when unloading realises that tissue has been left in pocket, so mushy tissue mess all over washing. Who should have checked? The person putting the dirty washing into the hamper, or the person loading the machine?

Scenario 2
Cooking a roast dinner. One person prepped the vegetables and put them into a stovetop 2 tier steamer, placed the lid on and left them on the (turned off) ring on the electric hob ready to be switched on. Potatoes were left in saucepan of water on another (turned off) ring, and parsnips left in pan of water on another (turned off ring). Other person was doing main bulk of cooking roast, and at the appropriate time simply turned ring on for each pan. There was no water in the bottom pan of the steamer stack, so vegetables ruined, and burnt to bottom of steamer. Should the person switching on the stove have checked that the prepped veg had water in the bottom pan, or is that part of preparing the veg for cooking, and therefore it was reasonable to assume this had been done (as it was for the potatoes and parsnips), so no need to check?

DH and I agree on who is in the wrong in one scenario, but differ in the other (obviously I think he was in the wrong in both cases, but he thinks he was in the wrong in one, but I was in the wrong on the other!)

So who do you think is in the wrong? The non-checker or the half-jobber? And does it vary from scenario to scenario?

[mrsm43s]

OK, so I think I'm more grumpy about this now that I was yesterday, as I straying into mental load/unfair sharing of responsibility territory. Poor DH!

I think I was taken aback because generally DH recognises that I carry more of the load, and actually he's a sweetie, so generally when he cocks up a bit he holds his hand up and apologises.

But with the veg, his first response was that it wasn't his fault and that I should have checked. I was expecting him to hold his hand up and say "Sorry, my bad!" rather than blaming me.

I don't actually agree with him on this, but agree with those saying its not worth making it into a blame game.

For what its worth we had plenty of other veg (parsnips, butternut, swede) so we just got on with it and had a lovely dinner.

DH is generally quite amenable, so I was surprised that he pushed this one back on me. We're generally in more agreement. It's not a big issue, but I do have to keep pushing back on the sharing of the mental load.

[TheTeenageYears]

• vegetables grown below the ground not cooked below ground!

[mimblefish]

To be honest I would have checked in both scenarios because I don't ever quite trust anyone else to have done anything properly.

[VettiyaIruken]

Both.
When you start a job you should sort everything out so it is ready to go.
When you take over a started job you should check for yourself .

[CheetasOnFajitas]

Haven’t read all responses but :

Washing- fault of person who put laundry in basket without emptying pockets. No way would I expect my husband to stick his hands in my pockets and dispose of my snotty tissues. Yuck. (Or vice Versa)

Steamer- I always boil water from kettle and put it in bottom so it starts steaming straight away. Would expect bottom to be empty to allow me to do this.

[ASundayWellSpent]

Person putting clothes in basket needs to check them. Person leaving veg prepped needs to add water

[diddl]

How difficult is to to check if there's water in the steamer?

Would you have to unstack to check?

Although I don't get why you'd stack it without putting water if that's the case-well, or at all really?

Equally you could argue that whoever turns on a pan should be checking that it's "safe" iyswim.

Or is it more that he "pushed back"?

[Italiangreyhound]

Both people should check in both scenarios.

[Fredella]

Neither should assume anything.

scenario one - yes pockets should be emptied, but the person loading should still do a quick check aswell - far better than a tissue-ey load

scenario two - I would expect the pan to have water in, but again far easier to check than to assume and to take the consequences.

In both, a quick check saves a lot of trouble. and a lot of arguments.

[bridgetreilly]

First person should certainly have done both things, but the second person ought also to have checked especially re. the steamer which could have been dangerous if not spotted in time.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

Actually, thinking about it, I would have instinctively checked a pan I could not see into. The other two pans had visible contents so your brain automatically says “there are the parsnips” but it would feel odd to me to ignite a flame under some thing I hadn’t looked at.

[BiblioX]

1. First should empty pockets as a grown adult but second should know to always double check.
   
2. First should complete prep properly however as above second should know to always double check especially regarding cooking fire hazards.

[raddledoldmisanthropist]

So a surprising number of people DO seem to think that its my job to check that my adult DH has done his part of the job correctly. Is this just because I am female, or should DH also be responsible for checking that I've done simple jobs correctly? I certainly didn't notice him checking my timings for the roast beef, or checking that I'd weighed the ingredients correctly when making the Yorkshires. In fact, he didn't even check that I'd remembered to buy Horseradish when I went shopping. Surely all those are his responsibility to double check if we're responsible for checking other adults have done things right...

Based on your update, I think your DH is probably a saint.

why am I always, by default, the 'manager'?

Oh, I think we all know the answer to that one.

DH is generally quite amenable, so I was surprised that he pushed this one back on me.

Him pushing back on a minor issue is such a big deal it required a MN thread. Just imagine for a minute what would happen if he wasn't always amenable and tried to be 'the manager'.

[Plussizejumpsuit]

I've read your updates and his attitude would do my head in! I do feel that men often get away with carelessness and laziness because they know someone (often their wife) should pick up the slack and check things.

[SpaceOP]

I only read the first page and then your comments. And I had to chuckle a little because if I'd answered after your original post I'd have said that the person putting clothes in basket was at fault and ditto, that the person getting vegetables ready was at fault. And I was thinking that it does seem like weird things to get worked up about unless this is a constant drip drip of one person being expected to manage and oversee and check that everything is done right and that if this has turned into a bit of an argument it's probably a sign of something bigger... and then I read your subsequent posts.

Your DH doesn't sound like a bad person but yes, it does sound like you've slipped into the zone where you do all the thinking and he gets to feel like he should be patted on the back because he did one specific task to standard. eg in this scenario, you're supposed to be grateful he prepped the veg and/or that he put water in 2 of the 3 pots. Which is tiring and tedious and yet so many people seem to think this is normal and so many women seem to think that they should be grateful for every little bit of help or accommodate helplessness in their partners.

[Rigamorph]

Both of you need to learn to communicate.

If you can't navigate tissues in pockets or cooking a roast how will your relationship survive a real crisis???!

[Kazakaren]

Both. In both scenarios. If both checked these things then less room for human error.

[ShopTattsyrup]

1. Owner of clothes should empty their pockets before putting in the washing basket. Washing basket means "ready to go"

1. Person prepping veg, if everything is prepped then it should be ready to just switch on.

[ChickenNotSoLittle]

Scenario 1- tissue user is to blame
Scenario 2- Depends on whether you add boiling water to the Steamer in your household, or cold water. If you usually add cold then the prepper is to blame. If hot, the cook is to blame.

[mrsm43s]

@SpaceOP

I only read the first page and then your comments. And I had to chuckle a little because if I'd answered after your original post I'd have said that the person putting clothes in basket was at fault and ditto, that the person getting vegetables ready was at fault. And I was thinking that it does seem like weird things to get worked up about unless this is a constant drip drip of one person being expected to manage and oversee and check that everything is done right and that if this has turned into a bit of an argument it's probably a sign of something bigger... and then I read your subsequent posts.

Your DH doesn't sound like a bad person but yes, it does sound like you've slipped into the zone where you do all the thinking and he gets to feel like he should be patted on the back because he did one specific task to standard. eg in this scenario, you're supposed to be grateful he prepped the veg and/or that he put water in 2 of the 3 pots. Which is tiring and tedious and yet so many people seem to think this is normal and so many women seem to think that they should be grateful for every little bit of help or accommodate helplessness in their partners.

I think this is it, spot on.

DH is lovely actually. He'd do anything for me. But I always have to ask, give instructions, remind, plan, organise etc. I always have to be the "manager". It's a discussion we have often, but DH doesn't seem very good at understanding that sharing tasks (which he is very good at) is not the same as sharing responsibility (which he is rubbish at).

I'd like us to be equal adults, but DH wants to be my helper and for me to be "in charge".

It's not a big deal really. I was just really surprised that he thought it was my job to double check that he'd prepared the veg/put water in the steamer correctly, yet will quite happily accept that its not my job to double check that he's emptied his pockets before putting stuff in the laundry hamper.

[Frostiesfortea]

Scenario 1 - the person putting washing in the basket
Scenario 2 - the person prepping the veg.

[SpaceOP]

t's not a big deal really. I was just really surprised that he thought it was my job to double check that he'd prepared the veg/put water in the steamer correctly, yet will quite happily accept that its not my job

It's not a big deal. But it is tiring and annoying and I 100% feel your pain. DH is 1000 times better about this than he was in the past. And I love him for making the effort. But there were some battles along the way. I saw an irritating meme the other day where it was a woman saying how she sabotages her husband's involvement by micro managing or expecting things to be done to her standards etc etc and all I could think was, "but if something doesn't get done or the washing is shrunk or you live in an environmentally hazardous home then frankly, Im' not sure that you NOT having to 'nag' is really a win"

[SpaceOP]

Also, OP, do you have DC? Because this gets worse with children in the mix in my experience....

[zaffa]

I am rubbish at pocket checking but I wouldn't turn on a pan on the stove without checking it had water. Mistakes happen and it's better to be safe than sorry

[hereyehearye]

I think this is it, spot on.

DH is lovely actually. He'd do anything for me. But I always have to ask, give instructions, remind, plan, organise etc. I always have to be the "manager". It's a discussion we have often, but DH doesn't seem very good at understanding that sharing tasks (which he is very good at) is not the same as sharing responsibility (which he is rubbish at).

I'd like us to be equal adults, but DH wants to be my helper and for me to be "in charge".

It's not a big deal really. I was just really surprised that he thought it was my job to double check that he'd prepared the veg/put water in the steamer correctly, yet will quite happily accept that its not my job to double check that he's emptied his pockets before putting stuff in the laundry hamper.

Then stop sharing tasks. Your division of labour sounds utterly idiotic. Why would one person prep all the food and then another person cook it? You understand that the average adult is able to prep and cook food in one sitting, right?

Be honest with yourself. Are you a control freak? Because It sounds like the way you've gotten your DH to 50% of work is to give him 50% of each task to do. This way madness lies. JUST GIVE HIM THE COMPLETE TASK. Maybe I'm wrong but I sense that you want to jointly decide and execute everything and want him to be as engaged instead of just splitting tasks like normal people and letting the chips fall as they may re execution.

I'm sorry but I've just never heard of people splitting the cooking this way. It's inane.