Are these 2 scenarios the same in principle, and who IBU?

[mrsm43s]

So disagreement with DH on this.
Two different scenarios, and two different opinions on who is to blame for the issues.

Scenario 1
One person puts washing in basket, without checking pockets etc
Other person puts washing straight from basket into machine and when unloading realises that tissue has been left in pocket, so mushy tissue mess all over washing. Who should have checked? The person putting the dirty washing into the hamper, or the person loading the machine?

Scenario 2
Cooking a roast dinner. One person prepped the vegetables and put them into a stovetop 2 tier steamer, placed the lid on and left them on the (turned off) ring on the electric hob ready to be switched on. Potatoes were left in saucepan of water on another (turned off) ring, and parsnips left in pan of water on another (turned off ring). Other person was doing main bulk of cooking roast, and at the appropriate time simply turned ring on for each pan. There was no water in the bottom pan of the steamer stack, so vegetables ruined, and burnt to bottom of steamer. Should the person switching on the stove have checked that the prepped veg had water in the bottom pan, or is that part of preparing the veg for cooking, and therefore it was reasonable to assume this had been done (as it was for the potatoes and parsnips), so no need to check?

DH and I agree on who is in the wrong in one scenario, but differ in the other (obviously I think he was in the wrong in both cases, but he thinks he was in the wrong in one, but I was in the wrong on the other!)

So who do you think is in the wrong? The non-checker or the half-jobber? And does it vary from scenario to scenario?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Ok, so he needs to take on the 'manager' role sometimes. Re-allocate some domestic tasks, so that each of you takes on responsibility for an 'area', rather than doing lots of things as joint projects.

He could be the one 'in charge of laundry' (that is, making sure the whole process happens and people have clean clothes in their drawers, ready for when they need them).

The most obvious thing is that you split cooking (and its cleaning up - never offer to clean up after someone who might be messy and thereby has no incentive to clean as they go), so that you do certain nights, he does others.

[SantaClaritaDiet]

Love how passive aggressive this message is. Yes, it's because you're female. We're all misogynists and hate you.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Ah! You are married to Half a Job Jimmy.

My condolences!

[Bluetrews25]

So you've managed to get your point over about the washing - his clothes, his responsibility to have them wash-ready in the basket.
Why would he put the veggies in the steamer and put the steamer together (not used one so guessing a bit here) which would require potentially fiddly work to check that he'd put water in, when really a put-together-fully-loaded steamer implies that water was already in it.
Like you were cooking a casserole, and he'd put the casserole in the oven, seemingly ready to go, except for there being no food inside it. Like writing the address on the envelope, putting the stamp on, sealing it. But no card inside.
Both examples are as ridiculous as not putting water in the ready to go steamer.
If he's going to do a job, he needs to do it properly and not give the impression that the job is complete when it isn't.

[Sh05]

In the first one the person whose clothes they are is responsible.
In the second definitely the prepper. Why would you have everything looking like it's ready to go when it's not? I wouldn't have steamer stacked and ready to switch on if the prepping of it isn't complete.

[custardbear]

S1 - owner of tissue - don't ask others to bin your germs

S2 - prepper .... who in their right mind would prep and wash veg, out them into the steamer and onto the stove without water in it ! Recipe disaster!

I'll bet prepper didn't salt the food either 🤨

Also - stop arguing about stupid things, move on and both learn from it 😎

[SantaClaritaDiet]

I think when you get involved in something, you take responsibility for it.

When DH does the laundry, or cooking or whatever, he just gets on with it.

If he was leaving it up to me to switch the machine on, or put something in the oven, I would check if there's washing powder, if the water is switched on, what's in the oven when I switch it on.

It just sound weird for an adult to blindly pick-up mid-task without checking.

[TwoBlueFish]

1. person who put clothes in the hamper should have checked
   
2. person who prepped veg should have put water in

[CurseryKinkajoo]

I never check pockets. It is the individual pocket owners responsibility.

I would also probably not check the steamer for water if it was on the hob ready to go so I think I’d ‘blame’ the person who did the veg prep.

[Shoppingwithmother]

The whole point of steaming veg is so that it cooks quickly. I can’t see how you can accurately judge the cooking time if you start a steamer off with cold water. You need to put boiling water in and then the full steam starts immediately and you can time your 3 or 4 or 5 minutes etc.

I cannot ever imagine a scenario where I was cooking, someone else had prepared vegetables in pans etc and I didn’t even glance in them before I switched them on. Is the preparing so much the other person’s job that you wouldn’t even lift the lid to look in it before you switched it on?

Washing one - the fault is whoever put them in the washing basket with tissues in the pocket and/or the owner of said garment and tissue, if they are not the same person. (And if not, why not?!)

[PolarBearStrength]

I don’t really think it either are a massive issue and both people are a bit at fault in both scenarios.

[Abitofalark]

In the first case, one after the other failed to check, first one at the basket stage and second at the machine stage. To apportion blame other than being equally blameworthy would require further information and insight into the minds of both.

In the second case, we don't know who put water in two saucepans but not the steamer; if the same person, that seems odd. Was it an oversight or just an illogical quirk? We also don't know whether the turner-on knew there was water in the two saucepans and therefore assumed a degree of continuity to the steamer or whether the turner-on was reckless as to the state of water and non-water in relation to the three containers and just got lucky over the first two. Incidentally, I don't agree with leaving potatoes or parsnips lying in water so in a hypothetical scenario where I was preparing the veg, all three would most likely have been burnt to a cinder.

[laudete]

Scenario 1 - the person who put the laundry in the basket without removing the tissue paper.

Scenario 2 - the person who turned on the hob without checking what was in the saucepan.

[Dominicgoings]

I can’t get past boiled parsnips

[Marmite27]

Clothes should have items removed by the wearer and checked by the washer.

Steamer would be left empty here as we’d add boiling water before turning on.

[silverbubbles]

The person putting the washing machine on and putting the veg on should have checked everything was correct before turning appliances on.

It is tiresome however when one adult has to constantly check the other ones actions for errors. That's very boring and results in this sort of argument......

[RealityExistsInTheHumanMind]

Trouble is I am both people in both scenarios.

I have been guilty of the first and the second -- and I live alone.

[KihoBebiluPute]

They aren't equivalent scenarios.

In putting dirty clothes into the laundry, that's a "cleaning your own mess" scenario and it is selfish to assume that anyone else should do the task of checking the pockets for you. The task of putting the laundry on is a team-task of housework that either person could do, but getting the clothes into the laundry basket in a state ready to be washed is each individual's personal responsibility.

In preparing a family meal, it's a "we are working as a team" scenario. Everyone is doing some part of the common task, and there isn't the same amount of "personal responsibility".

Therefore it is reasonable to assume that any checking of pockets has been done, but unreasonable to fail to check for water in the saucepan.

[Mmn654123]

Whoever loads the machine checks the pockets.

Whoever loads the steamer adds the water.

[Mummyworriestoomuch]

Sounds like a lot of drama over nothing really. Accidents happen. Yes it's disappointing but instead of playing the blame game you should both accept responsibility for your own mistakes and brush it off.

[mrsm43s]

@Dominicgoings

I can’t get past boiled parsnips

Quick parboil before roasting, don't worry!

[Biscuitsdisappear]

The person who wore the clothing should empty the pockets. The person doing the cooking is ultimately responsible. At the end of the day you are both adults in a relationship and should be working together not sorting out blame.

[LindaEllen]

My rule in our house is that I'm happy to do the washing, but it has to be in the basket (i.e. I'm not going round picking it up off the floor) and the pockets have to be empty. I check every time. DP checks every time. 17yo DSS is an absolute pain for not checking. But he leaves weird things in his pockets and has twice left something in that could have broken the machine.

DP has told him many, many times. I don't want to be picking tissues off everything I've washed, but nor do I want to be putting my hands in pockets to remove snotty tissues (or worse, oh god) that aren't mine.

IMO if someone is willing to do your washing for you, you should have the courtesy of emptying your pockets and putting it in the basket. I wouldn't expect everyone to do their own washing, but nor am I a slave, and won't put up with laziness when he has to do so little else.

----

The situation on the stove is different. The person who put the veg in there should of course have put water in (what's the point in it being ready to turn on if it's not actually ready to go?) but then the person who turned it on should also have checked. Cooking a meal that's for everyone's benefit isn't the same as checking through the pockets of someone else's clothes.

[xoxogossipgirl2020]

The phrase “if you want a job doing properly, do it yourself” springs to mind, So both, I suppose?

I would say owner of the clothes in the first and veg prepper in the second!

[TheTeenageYears]

I think it's the responsibility of the (adult) wearer of the clothes to check they are in a suitable state to go in the wash before putting them in the washing basket - who want's to put their hands in the pocket of someone else's clothes and drag out snotty tissues?

The second scenario is slightly less clear cut because what was actually being cooked may or may not be relevant. Vegetables cooked below the ground should be cooked in cold water so in this case placing the parsnips and potatoes in cold water on the hob ready to be switched on rather than just so they don't go brown is correct but the vegetables in the steamer should have boiling water added to the pan rather than cold water so not unreasonable to leave empty. On the whole though I don't think one adult should have to check the other adult has completed their task correctly. Each adult should fully complete their task or communicate why x.y or z can't be done at that time.