Are these 2 scenarios the same in principle, and who IBU?

[mrsm43s]

So disagreement with DH on this.
Two different scenarios, and two different opinions on who is to blame for the issues.

Scenario 1
One person puts washing in basket, without checking pockets etc
Other person puts washing straight from basket into machine and when unloading realises that tissue has been left in pocket, so mushy tissue mess all over washing. Who should have checked? The person putting the dirty washing into the hamper, or the person loading the machine?

Scenario 2
Cooking a roast dinner. One person prepped the vegetables and put them into a stovetop 2 tier steamer, placed the lid on and left them on the (turned off) ring on the electric hob ready to be switched on. Potatoes were left in saucepan of water on another (turned off) ring, and parsnips left in pan of water on another (turned off ring). Other person was doing main bulk of cooking roast, and at the appropriate time simply turned ring on for each pan. There was no water in the bottom pan of the steamer stack, so vegetables ruined, and burnt to bottom of steamer. Should the person switching on the stove have checked that the prepped veg had water in the bottom pan, or is that part of preparing the veg for cooking, and therefore it was reasonable to assume this had been done (as it was for the potatoes and parsnips), so no need to check?

DH and I agree on who is in the wrong in one scenario, but differ in the other (obviously I think he was in the wrong in both cases, but he thinks he was in the wrong in one, but I was in the wrong on the other!)

So who do you think is in the wrong? The non-checker or the half-jobber? And does it vary from scenario to scenario?

[FrangipaniBlue]

and for what it's worth I actually think the two scenarios ARE the same!!

In both instances he expected you to "check" what he had done ie double check he'd emptied his pockets and double check he'd put water in the steamer!

[FrangipaniBlue]

@mrsm43s

So, I was the non-checker, DH the half jobber (if that wasn't obvious!)

I think he's wrong on both.

He totally accepts that he's wrong with the laundry, and generally no longer does this/apologises and deals with the mess when he does.

But the veg situation happened this weekend, and he said "why didn't you check that there was water in it?" My response was "Because you're an adult, and I don't expect to have to run after you double checking that you've done simple tasks properly". He thought this was unfair.

I should point out that it was all fairly lighthearted and we didn't fall out majorly over it. I do think I'm frustrated though, as DH has a bit of a history of being careless/expecting me to pick up the pieces. I think he's an equal adult, and I have no responsibility to run round after him checking he's done stuff properly. He seems to think by default its my responsibility to check he's done stuff properly...

I am inclined to think we may be married to the same man 😂😂

[FrangipaniBlue]

Scenario 1 - the person putting the dirty clothes in the basket!! Why should the person loading the machine have to deal with someone else's snot rag?? Gross.

Scenario 2 - person loading the steamer with veg should also have made sure there was water in, otherwise they only did half a job.

[randomsabreuse]

Scenario 2 is more complicated because I use boiling water for most veg (not potatoes) and green veg is best not sitting in water but carrots/parsnips can sit in cold water (but mostly get boiling water added because I'm never that far ahead...)

Scenario 1, always check pockets before placing in washing basket, so tissue user's fault.

[hereyehearye]

I doubt you're going to really hear this message but he's done nothing wrong and his refusal to apologize sounds like him reaching the end of his tether with your controlling behaviour.

You've spent twenty years managing all of this stuff and and him helping out. I'm sure you asked him to do a few things here and there and he was happy to do them but you had the overall say because you were the house manager and the sahm and you knew the how everything should go. The system worked for you both.

Very recently the system has changed because you've gone out to work. Now you are working, you want him to do a true 50% BUT you don't want to give him ownership of any actual task, like you had for 20 years. Instead you want to continue to have involvement in every decision, every task, every issue but with this faux "equality" of "doing it together". Instead of him cooking the dinner, you "cook it together" but what that actually means is both of you having to run every single decision and assumption by each other... but of course in reality he's running them by you because you've been doing it for twenty years and he's been doing it for less than one. You get to weigh in and lecture on every fucking pan of water or wash load and he nods along and apologises meekly but this time he hasn't so you've run to mumsnet to get confirmation. And when some people disagreed you started implying it's because we're misogynists so it's clear that you're not really willing to hear his side at all.

If you don't want to carry the mental load then LET GO. Seriously, some women are such control freaks and absolutely refuse to let partners have any say yet are always whining about being overburdened. Just let him cook the veg how he likes. Stop mummying him and managing him. I feel suffocated just reading your posts.

[KarmaStar]

1. the person actually placing the washing in the machine should have checked.
   
   
2. both unreasonable,the person prepping should have completed the job but the person turning on the best should have double checked.

[bridgetreilly]

I was just really surprised that he thought it was my job to double check that he'd prepared the veg/put water in the steamer correctly, yet will quite happily accept that its not my job to double check that he's emptied his pockets before putting stuff in the laundry hamper.

Yes, but the consequences of turning the hob on under a dry pan are potentially so serious that of course you should check what’s in it.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

@ShebaShimmyShake

Situation 1, the one who didn't check. Don't put stuff in the laundry basket if it's not ready for washing.

Situation 2, the veg prepper. Putting water in the steamer is part of veg prepping, especially if the whole point was that it was all supposed to be ready to switch on. Presumably you have to take the steamer off the hob to put water in it, so it's not a finished job.

This. Pockets are private. Clean out your own before you put item in hamper.
Never set anything on a hob without water in it. Not even an empty pot. It is basic kitchen safety.

[Missingsockswheresotheygo]

First one, the tissue user should empty their own pockets.

Second one is no ones fault, just a mistake.

[biddybird]

You should check your own pockets before putting clothes in the laundry basket.

You shouldn't leave a steamer on the stovetop with no water in it.

[Idbemonica1]

Scenario 1 the person who left the tissue in the pocket is at fault.
Scenario 2 the person who turned the ring on should have checked there was water in the base of steamer.

[pussycatinboots]

1. Tissue user is responsible for emptying their own pockets.
2. Veg prepper - why put water in 2 pans but ignore the steamer?

[WhatWouldJKRDo]

He’s wrong about the tissues, obviously.

I’d never turn veg on without making sure there’s water in. For me that’s part of cooking them. Prepping is washing/peeling/chopping

[Figgyboa]

1. whoever is loading the washing machine. I always double check pockets, out of habit.
   
   
2. both. The veg pepper should have put water but as the cooker again I would double check.

[Chickenwing]

The tissue thing was his fault and annoying but just a mistake/easily done.

The veg thing you should have checked. And the way you pulled him up about it doesnt sounds so nice. If it were me I would have said "oh dear i should have checked there was water" and that would be the end of it. No need to blame someone or cause an argument over it.

[ginsparkles]

I would say checker on both counts.

S1 I always check pockets before putting in the machine. Washing basket is just where things go that need washing, no prepping involved.

S2 whilst it was a fair assumption, I would still have checked.

This is partly all because I am married to half a job Harry so if I didn't check I would spend my life solving issues like this

[Bluetrews25]

Why do you parboil parsnips and potatoes separately? Always do mine together, saving energy and washing up.

[diddl]

"We were cooking dinner together -why not?"

Yes but he could have been "in charge" of prepping & cooking veg!

Or he could have told you that there was no water in the steamer before or when you went to switch the veg on!

[mrsm43s]

@hereyehearye

I think this is it, spot on.

DH is lovely actually. He'd do anything for me. But I always have to ask, give instructions, remind, plan, organise etc. I always have to be the "manager". It's a discussion we have often, but DH doesn't seem very good at understanding that sharing tasks (which he is very good at) is not the same as sharing responsibility (which he is rubbish at).

I'd like us to be equal adults, but DH wants to be my helper and for me to be "in charge".

It's not a big deal really. I was just really surprised that he thought it was my job to double check that he'd prepared the veg/put water in the steamer correctly, yet will quite happily accept that its not my job to double check that he's emptied his pockets before putting stuff in the laundry hamper.

Then stop sharing tasks. Your division of labour sounds utterly idiotic. Why would one person prep all the food and then another person cook it? You understand that the average adult is able to prep and cook food in one sitting, right?

Be honest with yourself. Are you a control freak? Because It sounds like the way you've gotten your DH to 50% of work is to give him 50% of each task to do. This way madness lies. JUST GIVE HIM THE COMPLETE TASK. Maybe I'm wrong but I sense that you want to jointly decide and execute everything and want him to be as engaged instead of just splitting tasks like normal people and letting the chips fall as they may re execution.

I'm sorry but I've just never heard of people splitting the cooking this way. It's inane.

We were cooking dinner together -why not?

He prepped the veg while I dropped DC off at an activity. I took over the cooking bit while DH picked children back up from said activity. When he got back he ran the hoover round while I laid the table. We shared the workload.

Of course either of us could prep and cook a whole dinner, but we generally work together on stuff. It could have been the other way round, but I'd have bloody well put water in all of the pans!

[gospelsinger]

Both adults should have the good grace to accept that people forget things sometimes and move on. I don't check everyone's pockets - that takes ages, but I would check a pan had water in.

[mrsm43s]

@SpaceOP

Also, OP, do you have DC? Because this gets worse with children in the mix in my experience....

@SpaceOP

We have 2 teenagers. We've been married over 20 years and he's my best friend.

I think the issue has come about because I was SAHM/very part time for a good few years when the children were little, and so naturally dealt with more of the household organising etc as I had more time. Now I'm back working full time, DH does more "tasks" than before, but still wants to defer to me to organise and dole out tasks for him to do, rather than taking responsibility for recognising what needs to be done and just getting on with it. He happily does half or more of the jobs that need doing, but somehow I've still retained full responsibility for nigh on everything, and have to always remember what needs doing and remind him to do stuff.

[ODFOx]

Laundry should have been checked by whomever put their own in the basket.
The steamer though: roots cook from cold but greens from hot water so I'd presume that the cook would add boiling water to the steamer. I wouldn't have it sitting there full of cold water as it would need to be poured out again; unless it was an electric one obviously.

[hereyehearye]

I think this is it, spot on.

DH is lovely actually. He'd do anything for me. But I always have to ask, give instructions, remind, plan, organise etc. I always have to be the "manager". It's a discussion we have often, but DH doesn't seem very good at understanding that sharing tasks (which he is very good at) is not the same as sharing responsibility (which he is rubbish at).

I'd like us to be equal adults, but DH wants to be my helper and for me to be "in charge".

It's not a big deal really. I was just really surprised that he thought it was my job to double check that he'd prepared the veg/put water in the steamer correctly, yet will quite happily accept that its not my job to double check that he's emptied his pockets before putting stuff in the laundry hamper.

Then stop sharing tasks. Your division of labour sounds utterly idiotic. Why would one person prep all the food and then another person cook it? You understand that the average adult is able to prep and cook food in one sitting, right?

Be honest with yourself. Are you a control freak? Because It sounds like the way you've gotten your DH to 50% of work is to give him 50% of each task to do. This way madness lies. JUST GIVE HIM THE COMPLETE TASK. Maybe I'm wrong but I sense that you want to jointly decide and execute everything and want him to be as engaged instead of just splitting tasks like normal people and letting the chips fall as they may re execution.

I'm sorry but I've just never heard of people splitting the cooking this way. It's inane.

[zaffa]

I am rubbish at pocket checking but I wouldn't turn on a pan on the stove without checking it had water. Mistakes happen and it's better to be safe than sorry

[SpaceOP]

Also, OP, do you have DC? Because this gets worse with children in the mix in my experience....