Are these 2 scenarios the same in principle, and who IBU?

[mrsm43s]

So disagreement with DH on this.
Two different scenarios, and two different opinions on who is to blame for the issues.

Scenario 1
One person puts washing in basket, without checking pockets etc
Other person puts washing straight from basket into machine and when unloading realises that tissue has been left in pocket, so mushy tissue mess all over washing. Who should have checked? The person putting the dirty washing into the hamper, or the person loading the machine?

Scenario 2
Cooking a roast dinner. One person prepped the vegetables and put them into a stovetop 2 tier steamer, placed the lid on and left them on the (turned off) ring on the electric hob ready to be switched on. Potatoes were left in saucepan of water on another (turned off) ring, and parsnips left in pan of water on another (turned off ring). Other person was doing main bulk of cooking roast, and at the appropriate time simply turned ring on for each pan. There was no water in the bottom pan of the steamer stack, so vegetables ruined, and burnt to bottom of steamer. Should the person switching on the stove have checked that the prepped veg had water in the bottom pan, or is that part of preparing the veg for cooking, and therefore it was reasonable to assume this had been done (as it was for the potatoes and parsnips), so no need to check?

DH and I agree on who is in the wrong in one scenario, but differ in the other (obviously I think he was in the wrong in both cases, but he thinks he was in the wrong in one, but I was in the wrong on the other!)

So who do you think is in the wrong? The non-checker or the half-jobber? And does it vary from scenario to scenario?

[Viviennemary]

Person who left tissue in pocket. Person who didn't put water in the steamer

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

So a surprising number of people DO seem to think that its my job to check that my adult DH has done his part of the job correctly.

I think a lot depends on your general relationship dynamic. If my exH double checked stuff I did it would be with the hope/intention of seizing an opportunity to reiterate his superiority over me. Whereas if DH double checks stuff it's simply to make sure that if I'm having a bad day he'd be there to rectify the situation in a supportive way.

[SantaClaritaDiet]

Both wrong

It has NOTHING to do with the sex/gender .

People make mistake. It's weird to put anything in the wash without checking pockets first. If you find something, you loudly complain to the owner of the item.
In many households, the laundry is not the exclusive responsibility of 1 adult, so whoever put the laundry in checks.

Regarding the cooking, yes of course wrong to switch on an appliance without checking there's water

I certainly didn't notice him checking my timings for the roast beef,
I don't even get that. Either he cooks the roast beef so works it out himself, or follows your instructions and why should he check?

[Hingeandbracket]

Pathetic

[lottiegarbanzo]

Veg prepper was a fool to leave the steamer stacked and 'ready to go' on the hob.

The reason it's worth you checking in both instances isn't because you're female, or he's not a proper adult, it's because you're 'person 2' in both cases.

If you want him to be the grown-up more often, then he needs to be 'person 2' more often; the one with the responsibility for making the whole thing happen, not 'person 1' the one who preps, helps, or only looks after their own little part of things.

[hereyehearye]

@mrsm43s

So a surprising number of people DO seem to think that its my job to check that my adult DH has done his part of the job correctly. Is this just because I am female, or should DH also be responsible for checking that I've done simple jobs correctly? I certainly didn't notice him checking my timings for the roast beef, or checking that I'd weighed the ingredients correctly when making the Yorkshires. In fact, he didn't even check that I'd remembered to buy Horseradish when I went shopping. Surely all those are his responsibility to double check if we're responsible for checking other adults have done things right...

Love how passive aggressive this message is. Yes, it's because you're female. We're all misogynists and hate you. Even though there was no gender noted initially and people still had mixed responses.

[EasyAndy101]

S1: both

S2: both, but especially the person lighting the ring, what kind of idiot puts a pan on without checking there's water in it, admittedly the idiot that loaded the steamer without putting water in isn't much better but if you're applying the fire you do the last checks cos you know, fire

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Person who didn’t check the pockets.

Even though people do tend to go through their pockets before putting it the laundrey i always check.

Equally the person who didn’t put water in the vegetables.

[mrsm43s]

@Shoopdedoop

But he doesn't check anything I do (unless I ask him to). He doesn't check I put the right fuel in the car, that I lock the door behind me when I go out, that I remember to renew my insurance or complete my tax return or any other of the host of tasks that I do that potentially could be problematic and expensive if I get them wrong or forget to do them.

I don't expect him to. I don't think its his responsibility to check that I do things properly. I'm an adult!

[DarkDarkNight]

1st scenario: the person putting their washing in to the hamper/basket should have checked.

2nd scenario: the person prepping the veg should have put water in the bottom of the steamer.

[Quartz2208]

But as I have said it isnt clearcut that actually he didnt do his job correctly - some veg need boiling water so if it is a side (broccoli etc) cooking from cold water just would not work

[Palavah]

In scenario 1 I'd expect the owner of the clothes to empty their pockets before putting the trousers in the laundry basket, because noone else should be having to manipulate someone else's dirty laundry for longer than necessary.

In scenario 2 this were a work situation then I'd say neither of you was clear about the requirements/handover. It's inefficient if the 2nd person has to check that the 2nd person has done their job to the agreed standard.

[ImFree2doasiwant]

Both. Tissues - id expect the wearer to check, but would also double check when putting them in the wash.

Veg - prepped should have been consistent, but cooker should have checked also.

[MrsJonesAndMe]

For me...

1: the person taking off the clothes.... even my primary aged children need to check their own pockets (not fool proof)

2: 50/50 because I'd never turn the steamer on from cold with the veggies already sitting in it. I would bring it to boiling point first, then put the steamer in, so wouldn't have happened.

[beautifulmonument]

The first one is easy - you should check your pockets before putting clothes in the basket. When I put stuff in the washing machine I just dump it all in I don't check what's in there.

The second one I think the person who put the veg in the pans should have put the water in but I also can't imagine not checking before turning on the hobs

[frazzledasarock]

Both scenarios is the person who did a half arsed jobs fault.

I never check pockets when running laundry.

I’d not even have turned the veggies on personally, leaving it to the person who prepped the veg to cook it. If I was needed to cook the veg I’d expect the person who prepped them to ask me to turn the cooker on and add the water. Except it wouldn’t happen here as person in charge of veg would do the veg I’m not the one in charge of doing everything correctly and in an timely manner.

Would your DH be checking things you’re doing to ensure you’re doing them correctly?

[lottiegarbanzo]

OP. The problem is that these two examples are 'joint projects' and, projects in which you were 'manager', he was 'assistant'. The other examples you give, in which he doesn't check your work, are not examples of joint projects at all.

[mrsm43s]

@Quartz2208

But as I have said it isnt clearcut that actually he didnt do his job correctly - some veg need boiling water so if it is a side (broccoli etc) cooking from cold water just would not work

It was carrots in the bottom and cabbage on top.

We always put cold water in and cook from cold. As its a steamer, steam doesn't hit the cabbage til later.

I would have thought that if DH randomly decided to change the way we cook stuff and deliberately left the water out (he didn't) that it would surely be his responsibility to communicate that to me? Not my responsibility to read his mind and realise he'd chosen to do something differently from how we always have done it without him telling me?

[mrsm43s]

@lottiegarbanzo

OP. The problem is that these two examples are 'joint projects' and, projects in which you were 'manager', he was 'assistant'. The other examples you give, in which he doesn't check your work, are not examples of joint projects at all.

Actually, I get that. But why am I always, by default, the 'manager'? I don't choose to be, its a position that's forced onto me because DH doesn't willingly take responsibility for anything.

[goldensummerhouse]

Scenario 1 - these things happen.

Scenario 2 - with everything set up ready to go I'd assume water was part of that equation. Person A is wrong. But person B shouldn't bash them over the head about it because they don't seem to have contributed much towards the cooking process.

I think this couple should adopt a one person per task strategy, then blame will be much clearer.

[LM101]

1. I would assume all pockets are empty before washing so it’s the person putting wash in the basket who should empty the pockets. Who has time with laundry to check all pockets??
   
   
2. I would assume all prep work had been done including water, however I think I would have checked as I know my husband wouldn’t have put the right about of water in 🤣😂

[Fink]

I don't think it's a question of double checking what someone else has done. In second scenario it's not at all clear that putting water in the pans was part of the first person's task. Just thinking about how we prep things for a meal. So, as either of the people could have been responsible for it, the second person should have checked whether or not the first had done it. Not to supervise someone else's work but because it's a part of the job that falls in between what each of the people has to do. That's completely different from the laundry scenario when it's obviously part of the job of the person putting the laundry in the basket to make sure it's ready for the machine (in our house this means making sure it's in the right colour/handwash etc. pile as well as removing brooches and checking pockets).

[StrawberrySquash]

I wouldn't have put water in the veg pan because I'd use boiling water when the time came. The other pans presumably had water in to cover the veg. Also did the cooker not check if the water in the steamer had come to the boil etc? And therefore realise that there was none?

[Shoopdedoop]

[quote mrsm43s]@Shoopdedoop

But he doesn't check anything I do (unless I ask him to). He doesn't check I put the right fuel in the car, that I lock the door behind me when I go out, that I remember to renew my insurance or complete my tax return or any other of the host of tasks that I do that potentially could be problematic and expensive if I get them wrong or forget to do them.

I don't expect him to. I don't think its his responsibility to check that I do things properly. I'm an adult![/quote]
And equally I'm sure there's a million and one things he does which you don't check that could be costly if he forgets.

We as adults aren't perfect, we're forgetful, we make mistakes. If we're being really pedantic it's the person who put the machine on that caused the tissues to get mixed on all the clothes and the person who lit the ring that caused the veg to burn, despite what % of blame you want to assign each person.

Playing the blame game isn't helpful as I'm sure it's not the first and certainly won't be the last mistake(s) either one of you makes.

[Conquered]

Id say person 1 in both scenarios, but person 2 should also check.