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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just phone the police?

66 replies

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 18:07

My friend is currently being abused by her partner. They do not live together but he is moving back to their area next month. He is absolutely vile to her and her children.

Her kids are 2, 6, 9, and 11. He has taken all her money by bullying and threatening her. Harassing her. Sending people to her home and putting her windows in, threatening to throw petrol or bleach into her face and calling her fat, ugly, a scruff and a slag. Constantly making her life harder, he accuses her of cheating constantly and has even said he knows where she is, she’s being watched etc. She will NOT leave this man. He calls her kids names says they’re ugly as well, social services are all over her but she has lied and said she hasn’t spoken to him since 2018 however they’re still involved due to her being vulnerable.

She won’t accept help or advice and is still moving him in on Halloween. I’m genuinely very worried now about her and her kids. I’m so tempted to just pick the phone up and phone 111 and just tell them what’s going on anonymously. I really don’t know what to do.

I know she’d probably be fuming as this man comes before everyone. But I can’t sit back much longer.

OP posts:
Sidewinder30 · 27/09/2020 18:09

YANBU. The dc need to be protected, and if she won't protect them... that's why social services exist.

doctorhamster · 27/09/2020 18:10

If social services are already involved I would call them rather than the police.

Merryoldgoat · 27/09/2020 18:11

I’m not sure of the proper processes but I’d call non-emergency police and Social Services as well. I’d tell SS that she’s moving him in and us in contact with him and if you have any proof I’d provide it.

She is indeed being abused but her children are also being abused and have no say in the matter. They need urgent protection.

bluebluezoo · 27/09/2020 18:14

If social services are already involved phone them.

The police only really necessary if she’s in immediate danger.

Original poster
HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 18:15

I’m worried if she loses her kids she’ll kill herself. Genuinely she is always expressing she wants to die.

OP posts:
Furiousfive · 27/09/2020 18:20

I'd call social services too as you need to protect the kids if she's unable to. Could you persuade her to go the GP for any help with her mental health?

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2020 18:23

You need to call social services, she needs help, but the kids need it more, one adult who knows of their situation needs to step it and help them

Make it you.

PanamaPattie · 27/09/2020 18:24

SS are already involved. As pp have said, the police won't get involved until something happens. Some women can't be helped and no matter what you say they refuse to engage. You can't help anyone that can't see the abuse right in front of them or don't see themselves as victims. If your friend loses her children it will be because every other avenue has been explored and SS have no choice. The best outcome will be that she sees sense and leaves her abusive partner. If she refuses to leave him, the children will better off without a mother that cannot protect them.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 27/09/2020 18:25

I’m worried if she loses her kids she’ll kill herself.
Not a good enough reason to leave the children unprotected at the mercy of a bullying abuser in their home.
Clearly a host of issues, but if your friend, an adult, is unable to put her children first, someone needs to.

anorangeaday · 27/09/2020 18:27

Definitley call SS

MojoJojo71 · 27/09/2020 18:28

Call social services, those children need protecting. Unfortunately it sounds like she’s not currently able to do that

NicEv · 27/09/2020 18:31

I am sorry you are in this position. And sad for your friend , who must be very damaged and vulnerable to allow herself to be treated like this.

However - if someone told you that you had to live with your friend and this man from October how would you feel? Sick with fear I imagine. That is how her children will be feeling. They have no power to protect themselves - you have to tell social services what is happening so they can take steps to safeguard the children. Their safety must be the first priority - their physical and emotional safety. I think you know that deep down. Your friend will then have some difficult choices to make and hopefully will find the strength to put her kids first and get away from this man. Don’t allow the threats of suicide to make you focus on her emotional needs over those of her children.

Original poster
HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 18:32

Her children don’t know who he is they’ve never met him. But they know they can’t spend time w their mum because he’s on the phone constantly.

OP posts:
ThreePipeProblems · 27/09/2020 18:35

Ring your local council and ask for social services golden number. Ring them and report that she is lying.

NicEv · 27/09/2020 18:36

Your OP says he is vile to her “and her children” and “calls her kids names says they’re ugly as well”. Don’t quite understand how he does this without them having ever met him? In any event the point stands that their best interests and safety should come before anything else.

D4rwin · 27/09/2020 18:37

I would definitely be telling Social Services. Some people just need a kick up the arse to protect their own children. It doesn't sound like she will do that by herself.

MulticolourMophead · 27/09/2020 18:39

I agree you need to call SS and tell them she's been lying about contact and that she's planning to move him in. They may have a suspicion about this, but it's better to make sure they know.

Unsure33 · 27/09/2020 18:45

How is he vile to children if they have never met them . How and when does she have a relationship with him ?

titchy · 27/09/2020 18:45

@HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin

I’m worried if she loses her kids she’ll kill herself. Genuinely she is always expressing she wants to die.
She has a choice though. She can avoid feeling so desolate she kills herself. But she has decided not to make that choice.
fmlfmlfmlfm · 27/09/2020 18:45

What do you mean they've never met him? How can you move someone in who's never met your kids?

You need to call children's services. They will suggest she does a freedom course etc but you need to be cruel to be kind.

I'm not an advocate for calling them willy nilly but i can't read and run x

Original poster
HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 18:46

She puts him on loudspeaker cos he has to be on the phone almost constantly and he’ll refer to them as cunts etc, if they shout or play loud he’ll shut the fuck up

OP posts:
Thisisnotnormal69 · 27/09/2020 18:47

How does he insult the kids if never met them? Through her?

Original poster
HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 18:51

Yeah and on loudspeaker down the phone he’ll tell her constantly her kids are horrible and ugly etc

OP posts:
HuggedTheRedwoods · 27/09/2020 18:53

She wont leave him but her children, who he insults, has never met him? How does this all work then?

Crunchymum · 27/09/2020 18:53

Is there more to the story.

Why are SS all over your friend (he doesn't live with them?)

Not saying any if this is acceptable but SS are on their knees and I cannot see what - on paper - would have caused their involvement?

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