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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just phone the police?

66 replies

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 18:07

My friend is currently being abused by her partner. They do not live together but he is moving back to their area next month. He is absolutely vile to her and her children.

Her kids are 2, 6, 9, and 11. He has taken all her money by bullying and threatening her. Harassing her. Sending people to her home and putting her windows in, threatening to throw petrol or bleach into her face and calling her fat, ugly, a scruff and a slag. Constantly making her life harder, he accuses her of cheating constantly and has even said he knows where she is, she’s being watched etc. She will NOT leave this man. He calls her kids names says they’re ugly as well, social services are all over her but she has lied and said she hasn’t spoken to him since 2018 however they’re still involved due to her being vulnerable.

She won’t accept help or advice and is still moving him in on Halloween. I’m genuinely very worried now about her and her kids. I’m so tempted to just pick the phone up and phone 111 and just tell them what’s going on anonymously. I really don’t know what to do.

I know she’d probably be fuming as this man comes before everyone. But I can’t sit back much longer.

OP posts:

Original poster

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 18:55

Lord knows. She’s been seeing him for years but only has him round when they’re at school or at grandparents. And SS have stuck around because of emotional issues with her kids, they’ve said it’s through this relationship but she won’t have it cos they’ve never met

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Boom45 · 27/09/2020 18:56

You can call your local DV helpline as a friend of someone in an abusive relationship, I've done it when I was worried about a friend. They gave me some really useful, practical advice about what I would be able to do to help. Calling the police, when you've not witness him committing any crimes and she is likely to deny it will only help him separate her from you and then you cant be any help to her at all so think very carefully about involving them without her express consent. Same with SS - if you genuinely think the children are in danger then dont hesitate but they're unlikely to just swoop in and take them on your say so. If shes going to deny what you are telling them then it might not be helpful to her or her children. The DV helpline will be able to talk through options that might help and advise on specifics that you cant put on the internet

Serin · 27/09/2020 19:14

"Lord knows. She’s been seeing him for years but only has him round when they’re at school or at grandparents. And SS have stuck around because of emotional issues with her kids, they’ve said it’s through this relationship but she won’t have it cos they’ve never met".

This makes no sense to me.
My guess is that someone else has raised concerns about the mother (school maybe) she is hardly likely to admit that to you.

To threaten to kill herself like that is also very manipulative.
Ultimately she is an adult and can make her own choices, the kids cant.
I'd report.

Original poster

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 19:16

No she hasn’t met him, she got reported when he was in prison for minor offences. The jail reported her because he has 8+ years history of violent offences against women.

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Original poster

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 19:17

The kids haven’t met him sorry

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jessstan2 · 27/09/2020 19:19

Goodness me she must have it bad for this vile man. I presume he is not the children's father. She can't have been with him that long if she has a two year old (unless that one is his). Where is the father of her children?

Do contact Social Services. Let us know how it goes. This has sent shivers down my spine.

user19542358662566 · 27/09/2020 19:19

How do you know all this?

Original poster

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 19:21

@user19542358662566 because I’ve known her since we were 8, were late twenties now. She’s one of my closest friends.

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AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2020 19:36

I’m so tempted to just pick the phone up and phone 111 and just tell them what’s going on anonymously. I really don’t know what to do.

I'd call every authority I could think of and I wouldn't bother to be anonymous. Her children's MH and safety are more important.

I’m worried if she loses her kids she’ll kill herself. Genuinely she is always expressing she wants to die.

See my above answer. I'd do the same.

She is in a sick and toxic relationship. The children must be protected, not only from this man, but from her if she's allowing them to hear his abuse over the phone. She deserves to lose them for subjecting them to this, IMO.

WorrierorWarrior · 27/09/2020 19:53

I wonder why women put up with such carry on.
Women need to be more empowered to live alone and have children and do whatever they like without having to have some male involved.

laidbacklife · 27/09/2020 19:55

You have to report this to social services and the fact she’s been lying to them. How will you feel if he moves in and physically abuses the children, or worse?

Original poster

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 19:57

She’s openly said she’s so used to it she’d be nothing without him

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icelollycraving · 27/09/2020 20:02

Report. The children have no choice to be in the situation, she does. I have a great deal of empathy for women who suffer DV and emotional abuse but when someone allows the abuse to filter to the children, pretty much my empathy runs out.
That may get me a real hammering on here but some people will accept any relationship however dysfunctional. You don’t need to facilitate it. I’d report to SS without a doubt.

Inthemuckheap · 27/09/2020 20:04

Eh? She's been seeing him for years and has 4 kids. The youngest is 2. Are they his children?

VettiyaIruken · 27/09/2020 20:04

Report to everyone.

If she is not willing to protect her children then someone needs to step in.

Yankathebear · 27/09/2020 20:06

@HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin

I’m worried if she loses her kids she’ll kill herself. Genuinely she is always expressing she wants to die.

He might take her life before she does. Phone ss.

Original poster

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 20:12

On an off for years. He got with her properly when her youngest was 9 months old. She’s 3 in November. He was in prison at the time and all of a sudden wanted to be with her when he owed money for spice.

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Scarlettpixie · 27/09/2020 20:15

Who is the father of the children? I can’t follow this either,

Please phone SS and tell then your concerns and her suicide threats.

pooopypants · 27/09/2020 20:17

Please PLEASE call SS, this is so wrong, on so many levels

Poor children :(

libbsop · 27/09/2020 20:22

Call the local safeguarding board

Fishfingersandwichplease · 27/09/2020 20:22

Could you report it to the school the kids go to as a safeguarding issue?

Original poster

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 20:26

I could contact the school yeah, as they’re already involved.

Her children’s fathers have never been involved

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ArdoCycle · 27/09/2020 21:59

Why would the prison report her...if he’s in prison what danger did they think was posed? How did the prison get her details...if her youngest is two and they’ve never met...ummmm...this is a bit of a weird scenario is it not? If she’s your best friend of 20 some years surely you can tell her to wise up,

AGoatAteIt · 27/09/2020 22:25

I know it’s hard but as others have said, the best thing you can do for this woman and her kids is to tell social services what’s actually going on.

Original poster

HeyDuggeeWhatYaDoin · 27/09/2020 22:25

@ArdoCycle do you not think I have? She doesn’t listen.

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