Was I right to stop DS seeing his dad because his dad had a cold.

[marmite79]

DS was meant to see his dad. Ex mentioned he had a mild cold so I said no not today.

It maybe just a cold but DS has already had one heavy cold since he's been back to school which left him with a hacking cough and needing a covid test - negative.

I don't want him to get ill again so best he doesn't see him until he's better.

Ex says he'll pick germs up at school anyway but if I can minimise the risk of him catching a cold I will.. Every time DS gets a cold he gets a cough!

Aibu?

I didn't think we were supposed to test for Covid if you have a cold which develops in to a cough. That's the info we have from our school because kids have colds almost permanently through winter. That's why we're running out of tests for people who genuinely have Covid. I thought it was a 'new' cough.

Yabu

I think you needed to explain what a waste of space this man is and how your ds feels about seeing him. At first I thought ywbu. As it is it's only for a couple of hours for your ds to suffer through then potentially suffer for weeks afterwards plus putting your livelihood on the line

This.

This thread has been really interesting. It's clear that for most on here, illness is so much a "fact of life" that they cannot fathom avoiding it, or OP being motivated by anything other than control.

To me, the attitudes here are totally alien. In my upbringing, illnessess' are a fact of life yes but to be avoided if possible and you CERTAINLY avoid passing them along. If you were due to see someone and got a cold, you wouldn't go ahead with it unless it couldn't be rearranged, and you always tell the person you're ill to give them fair chance to cancel, letting them know you totally understand if they want to. It would be incredibly rude to go and see them without letting them know.

In this case, OP said her son is not even that bothered. To me, the idea of either OP or her ex pushing for her DS to go and see him for just a couple of hours when he's not even that bothered, knowing he is sure as anything to catch a cold that is going to make at least the next few days of his life really unpleasant, is just really strange and unkind. If it was something he was really excited about that would be one thing but if he's going to have the cold longer than the visit it's just nonsensical to send the poor kid, to me.

I say all this as a step parent whose partner is a NRP. I absolutely do not advocate "using children as weapons" which is how everyone seems to be interpreting this.

If you are that concerned about him becoming ill then you are best homeschooling and for you to work from home and have no contact with others

Yes YABU

From reading all your posts YANBU

All the posters who are confidently asserting that OP is using the cold as an excuse and pretending it's the issue, why? Some people (maybe these posters) might act this way but OP's actual given reasons make perfect sense

She will almost certainly need to take two weeks off work, or subject DS to an unpleasant test, or both, all for the sake of a couple of hours which could easily be rearranged for a few days time without particular detriment to DS or his father's relationship given their contact is infrequent

In normal times yes it would be unreasonable. In the current situation not at all unless the father is going to deal with the aftermath. It's not that OP is being over anxious about cold being Covid but the ramifications of self isolation, time off work, her career and thus ability to support DS etc

And it's utterly daft to say just pull him out of school and home school. For one, OP's job may not allow it even if she wanted to, and school is really important for the DS. It will inevitably result in being ill and isolation periods yes, but it's for a necessary reason

The father meet could easily be delayed for a few days to avoid an extra unnecessary period of sickness and subsequent possible issues with OP's job, why wouldn't you avoid it?

Yabu

Completely agree CampCretaceous

It's also completely different to sending him to school in terms of the inevitability of catching something. When we send our kids to school, we know that there COULD be other kids there who are ill but generally don't know which ones and when in order to avoid it, but we do know chances are there will be one at any given time so there's no way of avoiding it without being off school all of the time. We accept it as an inevitability.

In the case of OP and her DS's dad, they KNOW he is ill right now and as it will be 1-1 contact DS will very likely get it, but it is not inevitable that he has to get a cold from visiting his dad at all. His dad is one person who is healthy a majority of the time, as opposed to a group where chances are at least one of them isn't. In a few days he probably wouldn't be contagious, it is completely avoidable by a few days delay, and unlike school it is completely possible to rearrange this.

It's not about avoiding ever getting ill, it's about dodging the one's that are perfectly avoidable.

This just makes me despair. It really seems that as a single parent you are expected to be a self sacrificing cypher whilst the other parent can come and go just as they please, with all their "rights" but absolutely no responsibility to put their child first ever.
How about this no-hope dad puts his kid first for once?
And to anyone saying I'm projecting, yes, yes I am.
Give me fucking strength.

Sorry op I didn’t read all your posts

In the circumstances of dad dropping by when it suits him no you are not being unreasonable

I’m a single parent with absolutely no support it’s rubbish I should have been more understanding sorry

YANBU if your son catches the cold and has a cough you will presumably need to keep him off school until he has a Covid test which as a single parent is a lot of hassle for you. Also your child would likely spread the cold to his classmates who would then have to stay off until tested if they are coughing, easily prevented situation by him missing contact with his father.

YANBU. You could always tell dad he's welcome to wave/chat through a closed window? It won't matter that you know it's just a cold; when your child turns up sneezing and coughing at school, they'll be sent home immediately.

If your child is prone to catching colds - with coughing symptoms, no less - I feel sorry that you are going to have so many absence periods and work issues this academic year. Fingers crossed, the colds will be few. x

I was going to say YABU but given your update that ex hasn’t seen him for 6 weeks and it’s only a 2 hour visit then I don’t think you are, with that level of contact waiting another week won’t hurt. Why hasn’t he seen him for so long?

YWNBU even before we knew it was only for two hours, and even if Covid was not a possibilty, because your son reacts badly to colds even in the "good" times. YADNBU now that we do know the above facts, and more.

When I had young DC I contracted Gastric FLU, and immediately rang up my ex and asked him to have them until my symptoms stopped. I did that for 2 reasons, the first being that I could not have taken care of them whilst I was that ill, and the second was because I obviously didn't want them to risk getting it - they didn't. Some of you will think that that is compleyely different, but I don"t believe it is, OP's DC would have almost certainly got a cold that could potenially lead to a very nasty cough. Not only would her poor DC then feel awful, OP would have had to take time off work to look after her DC.

I never sent my DC to school when they felt ill, it would have been unfair on them, and any other DC that got ill from mine.

What did you do OP?

YANBU simply because colds are horrid. I currently have a cold and feel absolutely dreadful. Runny nose, hacking cough, watering eyes, fatigue and generally feeling rotten. I have never understood how dismissive people are of colds unless I suffer particularly badly.

Yanbu- 2 hours with dad ( which can rearranged) vs a cold which even if innocent might lead to 2 weeks self isolation - missed school etc - if a test can't be got. Ex should understand possible consequences and be OK to re organise.