Oh my GOD, its SOOOOOO unfair!!!!

[HugeAckmansWife]

AIBU to say this everytime my attitudinally challenged tweens ask me to do anything / everything? I work FT and am a single parent so pretty full on. They reluctantly have accepted a few chores like emptying dishwasher, taking laundry up etc but any time I ask them to just run and get X from upstairs, or pop the recycling out or grab me a glass of water while I'm ironing their uniforms I get eye rolling and stomping and 'why do I have to?'. So, can I do it too? (this lighthearted by the way pleae don't berate me for having / resenting kids etc)!

Mine are all reasonably good at helping out of their own accord. Ask one of them to do something they haven't gone to do and they will inevitably point out all the times they've helped in the last week and the others haven't.
It is ignored.

Can you grab your coat hangers for me son? WHAT NOW? OMG I DO EVERYTHING! OK son you carry on with the ironing make a cup of tea watch the hot iron with your brother and the cats don't forget food needs to be ready in an hour and i will get the coat hangers down.......i will make you a cup of tea just let me grab the hangers mom 😂

Seriously I give my son a choice help or swap jobs

It gets better. My DC16 went through a vile stage where I was the worst parent in the world and told me all their friends didn't have to do any chores but also received the newest iPhones etc as presents. They have recently told me that they are happy that I made them take responsibility and we now have a good relationship.

Emphasise - “yes, I completely agree it’s so unfair - that I have to do all these household jobs and you aren’t doing any. I’m glad you’ve noticed. How do you suggest we make it fairer? I’ve got a few ideas...”

Thanks all. Random ebadically opted out a few years ago when he fucked off with OW and chose eow only. Recently he's seen them less due to circumstances that would mean he'd have to put in more effort than he has been so he's just not doing it. He hasn't really parented since he left in any meaningful sense. Literally hasn't done a school run, sick day, inset day, appointment. Just 48 hrs every two weeks at the weekends and holidays with no deadlines, time pressures etc

I wouldn't go down the route of paying for chores. They are part of the household so chores are expected as everyone must contribute to keeping a nice home.

Think about the chores they can do and get them helping more. Tweens can, once shown a couple of times, wash/dry dishes or fill/empty dishwasher, clean windows inside, strip/make beds, vacuum, mop floors, set/clear/clean table, help prep dinner, make lunch, bins/recycling etc, etc.

Try to balance chores between keeping the house clean and achieving something like contribution to making a meal that can be praised when eating. If they help make their bed up say things like, i love having a nice clean bed to go into.

Ds was initially more receptive to chores when we were all doing them at the same time so everyone pitching in together. We never set any particular task to ds and shared them around or gave choices - do you want to vacuum or do the dishwasher/kitchen? He would most likely have complained if he was just sitting around and was asked (told really) to get up and get me a glass of water as he wasn't in "chores mode".

I make a chore list. I write down a list of all the chores and then we colour code. So I start with the youngest, they pick their colour and which chores they want to do. So they feel they have some control over things. Then every 2/3 month we sit down and do it again. Everybody learns what they are good at or what they hate etc. so we move things around a bit then. They have to pick 5/6 chores each but they are over a week. Some are everyday chores like dishes and some are once a week like clean the bathroom.

Cleaning their own rooms are non negotiable. I am not doing it after the age of 10. They strip their own beds once a week, I do about 80% of the laundry so I wash and dry and put back in their room folded but I never put their laundry away. If stuff is not in the laundry basket it does not get washed. A few weeks of a smelly bedroom and no clean clothes teaches them I am very serious.

I am teaching them how to adult. The answer to it's not fair is LIFE IS NOT FAIR. One week on the Monday they did not do the dishes, the next day I did not make the dinner ( I do 90% of the cooking) or do the dishes. The same happened on the Tuesday evening, so on the Wednesday I did no chores at all. On Wednesday evening they cooked the dinner and cleaned the whole kitchen. I think sometimes I am too cruel but actions have consequences and they need to learn this.

@HugeAckmansWife I am living your life down to the Xbox/outing and monologues! I endure a dog walk every Sunday and the whole time I'm talked at.

Re the chores, my asd DC only responds to financial bribes. Eldest isn't motivated by anything! YANBU

I get a lot of this from 12 year old DS. I tend to just ignore the stropping as long as he’s actually doing the job I asked. It seems to work most of the time thankfully. I’ve just told him to put his school uniform in the washing machine and he’s just gone ahead and done it. Doubtless there’ll be a strop about the next thing mind you.

@mdh2020

You need to give them a set list of chores that they have to do and make their pocket money conditional on them performing them. This would be better than asking for a glass of water etc.

We do this in my house but does that mean they have absolutely no other responsibilities? Should OP not be able to politely ask her children for a glass of water while she is ironing their uniforms? Specified “chores” have their place but living in a family also requires caring, respect, give and take, and a reasonable amount of impromptu helping out. If Person A is around and not busy while Person B is doing menial tasks to benefit Person A, Person B is certainly entitled to ask for some water without getting a massive attitude! Admittedly this is a work in progress in our house but we are certainly trying to teach our children how to behave in a family and that doesn’t mean once you walk the dog and take out the rubbish you no longer need to help or care for anyone else.

My teens don't do this too much as if it starts getting out of hand, I just stop doing things for them. So, for example, if they come and ask me "What's for tea?" I would just say "Well, I'm not very hungry so I'm just making myself a sandwich." They pause, ask me what I'm making for them, and I say "You want me to make something for you even though I'm not going to be eating it? That's SO unfair!!!" Things like that.

It does go in. They hardly say it anymore.

we are THE worst parents because our 11 year old has to clear the table and sweep up after dinner & she has screen time, apparently every other child in the world gets to sit in their arse all day (when not in school) playing computer games.

I had five. And they could argue dawn to dusk about how unfair it was that they had to do X whilst their brother/sister wasn't doing ANYTHING and why should THEY have to tidy their room when the person they shared with made ALL the mess and wasn't lifting a FINGER!

Sorted it by giving them all their own rooms and closing the doors on the shitheaps. They are grown up now and I haven't heard 'it's not FAAAAIIIIRRR' for a good eight years. I don't miss it one bit.

They were absolute buggers.

You know what .. I'm 30, and I remember being like this myself. I wasn't a bad kid by any means, and they never got an ounce of trouble from me, but when it came to chores I did moan quite a lot.

I think it's hard to go from being a child and being taken care of, to gradually (very gradually!) transitioning into completely looking after yourself.

When I moved in with my DP and his son, after a few months I sent my mum a text saying thank you for everything she ever did for us when we were younger because I didn't realise how hard it was to take care of a home with a child in it - even WITH the help and support of a partner.

It just seems like it never ends, right? But kids are mostly used to doing what they want, when they want, so every little interruption from what they're doing will seem unfair. And maybe it is - but it's the first and vital insight into the fact that life is not, in fact, fair - and that there are lots of things that NEED to be done, that are more important than the things you WANT to do.

You may find it easier to set a rota of chores. That won't help with the odd task here and there like grabbing you some water or your book etc but it will get them into the habit of being more helpful - and if the chores aren't done they don't get to do x, y or z - whatever you think will work for them!

My DSS ONLY has to do the dishes, and not even dry them, and even that's like world war three.

Do it! It's the quickest and most enjoyable way of showing DC how they are behaving.

This may not help right now however “this shall pass”! 😬
Feel free to add not f€^¥ing soon enough.

Yes do it. It’s a lot of fun to see the utter confusion race across their faces. Apparently it’s not in the rule book they were issued with at birth for adults to do this.

Not sure if this has been mentioned but I can relate a little to one of the things you are referring to.

I think it is received better by kids if something is their job then, as appears with yours, they are happy to do it. Because it is expected and they know about it.

It is the little errands that are annoying to be asked to do. Would you like to be asked to pop upstairs and get something to take something out at someone else's bidding and timing? I used to hate this when I was young and wouldn't appreciate someone doing it to me now.

So I would stick to set jobs, give them more certainly but have them set, not spontaneous errands where they feel at your beck and call.

Life's not fair! Gets said quite a bit in this house as does 'I can be meaner!'

I'd do it op if nothing else it may diffuse the situation and make you feel a bit less annoyed by them. Works on the same childish principle of sticking your finger up at someone behind their back.

I usually threaten them with saying - ok if you can't do this for me then good luck cooking your own food & washing your own clothes from now because I can't be bothered to do it for you.

They rarely complain now.

If they do they get more chores.

I am a secondary teacher. I do this in response to my students when they say 'uggghlllmmnnggghgn' when I ask them to open their book or pick up their pen. Sometimes I will include a dramatic stamping of feet, just to hammer home the stereotype. They quickly realise how ridiculous they sound.

You are totally not being unreasonable.

@FakeFlamingo

I usually threaten them with saying - ok if you can't do this for me then good luck cooking your own food & washing your own clothes from now because I can't be bothered to do it for you.

They rarely complain now.

If they do they get more chores.

I tried threatening mine with that. That I would down tools and not do anything for them.

They threatened me with Childline and the police. They told me if I stopped caring for them then that was illegal and they'd tell school and the police and I'd be made to do all those things again.

My lot were pretty savvy, but I could never look at Esther Ranzen again without muttering under my breath.

I smirk when my early-20s children, now moved out, complain that they have to do everything around their shared houses and they're the only ones who seem to know how to empty a dishwasher or wipe down surfaces. Inside I'm screaming AREN'T YOU GLAD I NAGGED YOU!

I was going to post but "in a minute"
Mine were hopeless and also retailed "well you know it's your fault we don't tidy up because you worked and the cleaner and au-pair did it.
Funnily enough they were used to a pristine home and now organise today's do the clearing up complain about flatmates because they are used to pristine.
Retail to bfs and gf's that I called them a pair of little shits once.

whats for dinner.....im not cooking again its so unfair someone else should cook

can I have some money for....its so unfair why don't you get a job and earn your own money

can I go to friends house,......its so unfair you'll go to friends house and leave me with all the chores