AIBU? I’m really not sure if I should feel so pissed off.

[Aurorabunny]

NC’d for this, it’s my first AIBU and I’m prepared to be told to grow up.

It was my birthday yesterday - yes I know on here birthdays are generally something people say should be disregarded and whatnot but please hear me out. Both DP and I managed to get time off work and we had yesterday and today to do whatever we wanted. This was my first birthday being in a relationship with him (we were good friends prior to being together). The last 3 birthdays I spent with my violent abusive ex and were absolutely awful, he knows this. All I wanted was a nice day together walking the dogs and relaxing, then we had plans in the evening to order a takeaway, watch a film and have a few drinks. Day started well, he got me a gift plus a nice card saying how happy he was to spend the day with me and making my birthday great.

By afternoon he decided to start gaming, I didn’t mind and caught up with messages and things. Then at 6pm he announces he’s going to have a nap! I ask for how long and what time should we order dinner and he said he wouldn’t be long and we will still get dinner etc. So I wait and wait and then I realise he is not getting up anytime soon. I decided to cook my own dinner, open the bottle of Prosecco we had and watch tv with the dogs. 10.15pm he gets up and asks me if I had eaten, I’m pretty pissed off by this time and just told him I had cooked and carried on watching tv. He wasn’t sorry for sleeping away a large part of the evening or anything. I went to bed at 11 and he went back to his games. Now I know I could have tried to wake him up but I’m quite reserved, I hate any type of conflict because it just reminds me of my ex and the horrible feeling of was I going to get hurt or not. DP has never done anything to make me feel scared just to add, he is normally very kind and considerate. Today he hasn’t said sorry or made any attempt to make up for being asleep last night. I feel sad and annoyed, we have hardly spoken today and I feel so on edge like something bad is going to happen eventhough he is nice so nothing will. Should I just tell him how I feel and just grow up. I forget what a “normal” equal relationship is supposed to be like which is why I can’t tell if I’m being silly about this or not.

Napping, birthdays and gaming? All very divisive topics on MN so be prepared for the usual nonsense!

FWIW I think he was being a little unreasonable. A four hour nap is a night's sleep to many people. And if I was him I would have apologised profusely. However, if I was you I would have woken him at 7pm at the latest.

I'd have woken him up.

Also, if you'd planned a day together and he decided to game and then nap I'd have been pretty pissed off.

Don't think he's particularly thoughtful. How old is he?

I'd would also have woken him up but I get why you're annoyed - he should have set an alarm.

A nap is 20 mins/hour tops. He had what is for a lot of us a night's sleep!!

YANBU - he was selfish imo

I'd have just woken him up. Why couldn't you? He's not your ex. He probably didn't mean to sleep that long. I'm like a dormouse,unless I set a very loud alarm ,a nap can easily be 3-4hours.

Does he do this gaming/napping regularly? Would drive me nuts if so.

I'd be pissed off. That's no fun. It's dull.

I agree with others... why didnt you just wake him at 7

DH wouldn’t have slept on my birthday without my suggestion, and even if he did, he’d have set an alarm to ensure the evening wasn’t ruined. He’s not the world’s most considerate man. YANBU to be disappointed in your partner’s poor behaviour and lack of remorse.

You need a new boyfriend. What a twat. He has just given you a glimpse of your future with him, because this shit isn't going to get any better.

That's really selfish of him, you are right to be angry. I personally wouldn't have a relationship with a gamer, an adult playing a video game is really unattractive, but that's just a personal opinion.

I wish I had woken him up now, but at the time I just felt worried and didn’t. I know he’s not my ex but I still can’t help keeping quiet about things because my opinion never used to matter. I’ve wondered today if I should have some counselling to try and be more assertive. He’s 28 and I’m 34 so there is an age gap but we have similar interests, I game as well so I have no issue with this. I’m back to work tomorrow so it’ll be a while until we have a chance for some proper time together. He works shifts as well (police officer) so his sleeping is often all over the place but he hadn’t just come off of a late or night shift yesterday, in fact he’d had a few days off already.

So he's just basically self-centered.

Yes, I think counselling would be beneficial.

I'd be pissed off. He sounds immature.

He was horrible - got ex used to always be tired and was always post missing things !! It was awful!

People hating on gamers though annoy me - adults can play games if they like - it’s fun and not something you need to grow out of! My husband and I play PS4 games all the time together!! How is it any worse than people who enjoy watching soaps or rom coms or something?

This is your first birthday with him the one where he tries extra hard because you're still in the honeymoon period, this is him on his best behaviour being as selfless as he can muster....
I don't think you need a crystal ball to see the future 👀

welcome to your life.... you are still in the honeymoon period and it sound shit. its not going to get better.

get the counselling, but get rid of him as well.

I would be pretty pissed off too. And keep his behaviour in mind when it is his birthday.

I think you maybe need to take a step back and see the bigger picture. He knew you'd planned time together for your birthday, he gamed and then went to nap. It doesn't look or sound particularly wonderful. He may not be your ex, but he can have similar traits. Just shows them differently.
To not apologise shows he has little regards to your feelings, it's common courtesy at the very least.
I also don't think it was down to you to wake him up, you're not his Mother.
Just be careful he's not testing your limitations, he knows you've had an abusive ex, he might be testing you to see how much he can get away with himself.

This would fuck me off.

Shit of him, especially given he’d been off for days.

Happy birthday!!!

If he's a PO is there any chance he was just feeling a bit bleh after murder of the PO in a Police station in Croydon (it was certainly on the news where I am)?

I know them I feel a bit down, or worried, I often feel unusually tired.

YANBU maybe waking someone up is what I'd do in a long established relationship, but you've been together less than a year it shouldn't feel like you've got to give him so much direction on the one day of the year he should be putting you and your plans together first.

He sounds like a lazy and inconsiderate shit. I'd be feeling immense disappointment. he needs to be told he completely flopped and if he can't make it up to you then he's not worth your time

If you had evening plans (sounds like youd discussed dinner and drinks?) then going for a nap just as that's about to start, missing the whole thing, and then not apologising, is really rude in my opinion. Your partners birthday is only once a year and staying awake for it is the minimum amount of effort I'd expect (and I am not big into birthdays at all). Illness, small children and night shifts excepted.

He may not be abusive but that doesn't mean he is a good partner. From this example it sounds like he is taking the piss but because he isn't aggressive you don't think he is being shit enough to confront him

SO it wasnt actually a nap then? It was a "I am going to be up all night gaming so I am going to get my kip in now" kind of sleep?

As a survivor of abuse I totally get the inability to say "Hey, you are being a bit of a dick here" I tend to retreat and then overthink and then it all gets blown up out of all proportion (in my head). So I have started saying "No" when he asks if I am ok, when its clear that I am not. I will calmly say (assuming the same situation) "I was ok with the gaming but we had plans and you buggered off to bed for hours. Then you didnt apologise or seem to care. I am hurt that you did that especially because it was my birthday and we had both got time off espcially"

I had started doing this via Whatsapp because saying it face to face was so hard (expecting a smack in the mouth, as I am sure you do). He would do the same with me as his ex is the "fly off the handle" screaming/shouting type and didnt want me to do that.

I would state it clearly how you felt and see what he comes back with.

Thanks for the replies, this is definitely making me think. We did get pushed into moving in together pretty fast because of lockdown (it was that or not see eachother). But where we have been friends for about 6 years I felt I knew him really well. He actually only lived around the corner to me so he didn’t move far. I’m pretty sure he isn’t going to say sorry now so I think I’ll try and talk to him and say how I feel and see what he says.

@MyNameForToday1980 that is an interesting thought, he told me about it in the morning as his team had been discussing it in their group chat. He is Met police although Croydon isn’t his base his is close and he has been there for various reasons. I didn’t ask how he felt about it, I just hugged him tight.