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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? I’m really not sure if I should feel so pissed off.

54 replies

Aurorabunny · 26/09/2020 22:31

NC’d for this, it’s my first AIBU and I’m prepared to be told to grow up.

It was my birthday yesterday - yes I know on here birthdays are generally something people say should be disregarded and whatnot but please hear me out. Both DP and I managed to get time off work and we had yesterday and today to do whatever we wanted. This was my first birthday being in a relationship with him (we were good friends prior to being together). The last 3 birthdays I spent with my violent abusive ex and were absolutely awful, he knows this. All I wanted was a nice day together walking the dogs and relaxing, then we had plans in the evening to order a takeaway, watch a film and have a few drinks. Day started well, he got me a gift plus a nice card saying how happy he was to spend the day with me and making my birthday great.

By afternoon he decided to start gaming, I didn’t mind and caught up with messages and things. Then at 6pm he announces he’s going to have a nap! I ask for how long and what time should we order dinner and he said he wouldn’t be long and we will still get dinner etc. So I wait and wait and then I realise he is not getting up anytime soon. I decided to cook my own dinner, open the bottle of Prosecco we had and watch tv with the dogs. 10.15pm he gets up and asks me if I had eaten, I’m pretty pissed off by this time and just told him I had cooked and carried on watching tv. He wasn’t sorry for sleeping away a large part of the evening or anything. I went to bed at 11 and he went back to his games. Now I know I could have tried to wake him up but I’m quite reserved, I hate any type of conflict because it just reminds me of my ex and the horrible feeling of was I going to get hurt or not. DP has never done anything to make me feel scared just to add, he is normally very kind and considerate. Today he hasn’t said sorry or made any attempt to make up for being asleep last night. I feel sad and annoyed, we have hardly spoken today and I feel so on edge like something bad is going to happen eventhough he is nice so nothing will. Should I just tell him how I feel and just grow up. I forget what a “normal” equal relationship is supposed to be like which is why I can’t tell if I’m being silly about this or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aurorabunny · 27/09/2020 00:28

@PyongyangKipperbang

SO it wasnt actually a nap then? It was a "I am going to be up all night gaming so I am going to get my kip in now" kind of sleep?

As a survivor of abuse I totally get the inability to say "Hey, you are being a bit of a dick here" I tend to retreat and then overthink and then it all gets blown up out of all proportion (in my head). So I have started saying "No" when he asks if I am ok, when its clear that I am not. I will calmly say (assuming the same situation) "I was ok with the gaming but we had plans and you buggered off to bed for hours. Then you didnt apologise or seem to care. I am hurt that you did that especially because it was my birthday and we had both got time off espcially"

I had started doing this via Whatsapp because saying it face to face was so hard (expecting a smack in the mouth, as I am sure you do). He would do the same with me as his ex is the "fly off the handle" screaming/shouting type and didnt want me to do that.

I would state it clearly how you felt and see what he comes back with.

Yes this is exactly how I feel! I keep thinking about what and why it went wrong and what did I do etc. I wanted to say something to him but my brain screams not to cause trouble and be quiet. I know he isn’t a mind reader so maybe a message would be good. He really has always been so considerate so I don’t understand what has changed now.
OP posts:
12309845653ghydrvj · 27/09/2020 00:36

I think it sounds like a communication issue—you were clearly irritated about his nap (I would be too!) but by not waking him up and being irritated in his mind it might have been you being passive aggressive, and setting him up to fail? If he didn’t understand your feelings at the time and why you were nervous to wake him.

He definitely could have made more effort, although tbh birthdays are generally a bit of a let down in my experience—like often the morning is a big deal and it sort of drains out over the day.

If he’s police and was thinking about that’s situation, then that would make a lot of sense.

I don’t think you should be furious about this, but it should be a lesson in communication. He probably wants you to give him some clear direction on what you want—a lot of men are like that. But if you’re nervous about communicating upfront after your last relationship, things can get lost in translation.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/09/2020 00:45

my brain screams not to cause trouble and be quiet.

Yep, fighting against that instinct is really hard.

But its worth it xx

SuzieQQQ · 27/09/2020 00:57

A 28 year old man napping and gaming in the day? Get a new boyfriend OP. He doesn’t sound like he has much to offer you.

katy1213 · 27/09/2020 00:59

I wouldn't be that impressed with takeaway and a film on my birthday. Why wasn't he taking you out to dinner somewhere nice?

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/09/2020 01:02

He was really thoughtless. Tell him how you feel. His response will educate you further about whether he’s the one for you.

Happy belated birthday Cake

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/09/2020 01:08

@katy1213

I wouldn't be that impressed with takeaway and a film on my birthday. Why wasn't he taking you out to dinner somewhere nice?
Because its what the OP wanted....you know, what with it being her birthday and all?
SandyY2K · 27/09/2020 01:23

He must have been very tired to nap for that long. Neither I nor DH would nap during the day unless we were unwell or on holiday....or jetlagged.

Does he normally nap like this? Had he come off a night shift or something?

Original poster
Aurorabunny · 27/09/2020 08:44

I am going to talk to him today when he gets up.

The reason I just wanted a quiet night in is because we don’t get the chance very often due to conflicting work schedules. He does nap a fair bit when he isn’t at work but his work pattern can be harsh so I understand and no @SandyY2K he hadn’t.

OP posts:
Pelleas · 27/09/2020 09:00

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

He shouldn't have shut himself away gaming on your birthday and, unless he's ill, he shouldn't have slept away the evening. I understand he might have felt tired, but there are times when you have to make the effort to stay awake.

billy1966 · 27/09/2020 09:03

OP,
You have rushed from a 3 year abusive relationship into moving in with another man who sounds quite capable of not treating you well.

Whats the rush?

You sound absolutely desperate for any relationship.

You don't feel able to express your opinion.

You are desperately in need of counselling and time to figure out how to value yourself.

Your relationship bar is on the floor and you are frozen with fear to point it out.

He was extremely rude and selfish.
He spent most of the day gaming or sleeping on your birthday.

But by rushing into moving him in you have placed yourself in a needy position.

Why did you not want some space to process an abusive relationship?

You are 6 years older than him.
IMO that is a large gap.

He is still immature and selfish.

You will never be treated with the kindness, consideration and respect that you deserve if you don't realise that you absolutely deserve to be treated well.

We teach people how to treat us.

I would think long and hard about yourself and what sort of life you want.

Surely it's not an immature 28 year old boy who thinks its ok to behave with such disregard for you.

Wishing you well.
Flowers

londongirl12 · 27/09/2020 09:05

A nap? My 3 year old doesn't nap in the day anymore. He sounds selfish. How is he any other time towards you?

Whatup · 27/09/2020 09:08

He's a twat he could have slept in the next day. Do not get him anything for his birthday. Or make any plans. Does he game alot? Does he work?

LagunaBubbles · 27/09/2020 09:09

I'd be pissed off. He sounds immature

Why does he sound immature? Oh let me guess its another dig at an adult gaming, did you miss the bit where the OP says she does it as well.

Mondaymanic · 27/09/2020 09:10

I'd be really annoyed YANBU. Flowers

TwentyViginti · 27/09/2020 09:44

What @billy1966 said.

Angelina82 · 27/09/2020 09:49

So in the morning he enthused about how happy he was to spend the day with you and make your birthday special and then left you on your own while he gamed and slept? And he didn’t even apologise for that?! I’m sorry OP but your man is utterly selfish and you need to raise your bar because you deserve so much more. Flowers

nevernotstruggling · 27/09/2020 09:51

I think the bigger picture is this is how the first big event in the relationship went and that's a big red flag. I think going for a nap during a partners birthday is really rude.

There's some great advice bandied one mn about not ditching a level 10 bastard then accepting a level 8. This situation reminded me of that sadly.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/09/2020 09:54

This isn't the kind of man that I would want to be with. Selfish, immature and lazy.

Catsarelush · 27/09/2020 09:57

No not acceptable. I wouldn’t want to spend an ordinary day on the weekend like that with a partner, let alone on my birthday.

Did you not do anything together during the day? You could have gone out for lunch or something.

I would definitely say something.

My exh spoilt my last two birthdays (we were already having general problems so not a surprise) but I regret not saying something on the actual day that I was not happy with his behaviour and he was out of order and I was off out on my own. Because I didn’t want my day to be spoilt I pussyfooted around him and it seems that you could do the same just to keep the peace.

Readandwalk · 27/09/2020 10:05

Crap . It's your birthday. A special day and the plan was so simple. Dinner, time together. Its not like he even had to go to any effort like book a restaurant.

If you're fine with a partner who can't be arsed to make minimal effort grand. If not why on earth is this acceptable.

If a friend did this how would you feel.

I'd be running fast.

Livpool · 27/09/2020 10:25

He is a selfish arse who you need to end things with but you should have woken him up.

I love a nap but would never take myself odd on DJ's birthday! And if I do nap I always set an alarm or ask to be woken in an hour.

YANBU - he should have been impressing you on your first birthday together

Imloosingmyshit · 27/09/2020 10:49

Yanbu. That was a dick move by him.

Heffalooomia · 27/09/2020 11:12

This man wants a life where he is free to indulge himself in his interests and spend time down his own rabbit holes as and when he pleases
he sending a clear message that there's nothing special about you he comes first and you'll have to make do with whatever crumbs he decides to throw you
Is that the kind of relationship you want?
maybe you want to do the same thing, indulge yourself as you please and not take him into consideration in which case its not really a relationship is it🤔

MayIJustAsk · 27/09/2020 22:04

YANBU he doesn't sound like a keeper OP. He couldn't even make an effort for 1 day. What a dick. I'd have cried if my bf did that and he would have bloody known about it.