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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DD pay half for lost uniform?

121 replies

TLIMSISNW · 26/09/2020 09:44

DD1 has just started year 7.

She’s lost her school jumper which is £20. It’s her birthday next week and she will be getting birthday money. I’m debating making her pay £10 towards a new jumper or whether we should cough up and just buy a new one.

I don’t want to be mean but also I do t want her to think that she can be careless with her stuff and we will just keep replacing it. Or perhaps we could but this one but if she loses another one then she will have to pay or contribute then.

I’m sure this is quite a common issue so WWYD/what have you done if this has happened with your DC?

OP posts:
MeredithGreysScalpel · 26/09/2020 13:08

For a first offence, overly harsh. If she’s a repeat offender, then yes I would.

LindaEllen · 26/09/2020 13:09

I think it's harsh for a simple mistake. My stepson has left 3 expensive things on the bus in the last 12 months. After the second he was told that we wouldn't be replacing anything else. So, after he left his £90 a term bus pass on the bus in the SECOND week of term, he was told he'd have to buy a new one with his birthday money - or else pay for the bus daily like some of the other kids, but the one we got him covered him all the time as he liked going into town or going out with his mates etc.

He sulked for a long time about that, but honestly I don't know where it'd end otherwise. IMO 17 is old enough, and he's lost an expensive musical instrument, his wallet with £200 in it, and a mobile phone (which his mum replaced for him, we wouldn't have). At some point there comes a line where they NEED to take responsibility for their own actions and not just assume everything will be replaced.

A 12yo losing one school jumper isn't that line though, sorry.

diddl · 26/09/2020 13:10

I think not this time, but in future maybe depending on the how/where?

Does she do as much as she can to keep her stuff together when changing for PE for example?

Idk, I didn't regularly lose stuff & neither did my kids.

Maybe a jumper for a couple of days.

orangejuicer · 26/09/2020 13:10

Not rtft but have you checked with her how it was lost (assume you have) - are there other circumstances at play? Sorry to be vague but are you sure it was just lost and she's not being bullied? If that was the case I think you'd feel harsh enacting a punishment.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 26/09/2020 13:15

I loved them too much to bother over a school jumper. That's why I had them.

🙄

I know plenty of families who literally can’t afford to keep buying replacement school jumpers, especially not at secondary school where they often have the school crest or logo on so can’t just be bought from a supermarket. Or they can afford it but just realise that it’s a huge waste of money. I don’t think these parents who ‘bother’ over a school jumper love their children any less than you do.

AlwaysLatte · 26/09/2020 13:18

I think it's really mean, sorry. Kids lose things, it's just a fact. And if they're well labelled they usually turn up again at some point if lost at school. I think I would replace it this time, give her a warning that if she loses it again you'll be asking her to do chores to earn the money to pay for a new one.

Kaiserin · 26/09/2020 13:21

I dunno. My boys are in primary school, and have misplaced the odd bit of uniform a few times, and we've always had the same rule as OP (it's not a punishment, it's natural consequences. Teaches them they are partly responsible for their own stuff. No moral judgement attached, just cause and effect).
But in reality we've never had to enforce it, because the (carefully labelled) missing items eventually always turned up in the school's lost and found (after a bit of digging...)

Regarding whether the price to pay is too high or not... it completely depends on how much pocket money the child has got in their piggy bank. Mine don't receive that much, but barely ever spend anything, so the price of half a school jumper would barely make a dent to their hoard!

In OP's case, targetting birthday money sounds harsh (makes it more "personal"), and also having this brand new rule introduced for the first offense (and just after transition to highschool) would be unfair. Sounds fairer to just issue a warning (+ some advice on how to avoid this in the future)
But as a long term rule, it's not a bad one (provided the replacement fee is proportionate to how much pocket money the child gets)

noworklifebalance · 26/09/2020 13:27

Separate the lost jumper issue from her birthday

Viviennemary · 26/09/2020 13:31

No. I think that would be really mean. Don't do this

StrawBeretMoose · 26/09/2020 13:33

@TLIMSISNW

YABU, harsh and unfair.

You do realise we hadn’t decided to do this and was asking what people do and what the consensus is?

Yes but the fact you even considered taking a kid's birthday money for a school jumper, it takes a pretty harsh mind to come up with that!
LeSquigh · 26/09/2020 13:33

I am the least harsh parent you will ever meet but after losing three jumpers within a space of a few weeks I do now make my DS pay for replacements because I was at a loss with it and simply couldn’t afford to keep replacing them. It has worked to an extent, he does now make more effort with things but I do have to run through a list of things “do you have jumper, coat, lunchbox, bottle, PE kit” etc every time he comes out of school and he often has to go back in for something.

LeSquigh · 26/09/2020 13:34

However, I don’t think I would take it from birthday money, only pocket money.

ekidmxcl · 26/09/2020 13:40

If you want to provide consequences, teach her to sew the label in to the new jumper. She'll learn a skill and realise it's a pain to lose jumpers. Consequences without cruelty.

Taking her birthday money is cruel. You have to pay for your kids and losing stuff like this is part of life. Especially if someone nicked it and it wasn't even particularly her fault.

I wonder, actually, whether a child stole your DD's jumper because that child had previously lost a jumper and it resulted in the mother taking the birthday money away or a beating or some cruel punishment. So rather than confess to her mother about the loss of the jumper and get punished, she stole your DD's to make the problem go away.

By being cruel, you are going to teach your DD not to tell you stuff and instead she'll find a way to fix it, such as the above. Perhaps your DD would choose to steal a jumper in the event of a future loss to avoid telling you about it and losing her birthday money.

fuzzyduck1 · 26/09/2020 13:41

Buy her one for her birthday?

jrb123 · 26/09/2020 13:48

My mother did this to me and I still resent her for it (and many other acts of minor cruelty) many years later. Is it worth it, OP?

2Kidsinatrenchcoat · 26/09/2020 13:51

YABU this time but if it keeps happening then get her to contribute. Does the school have second hand ones/unclaimed lost property for sale or is that only something that primary schools do?

The comment about how she doesn’t choose to go to school or wear uniform is absolutely ridiculous though!

LEELULUMPKIN · 26/09/2020 13:51

My DS now 15 has lost a couple of jumpers along the way and never once has it entered my head to make him pay it out of his birthday money.

Unless you are really struggling for money it's a pretty crappy thing to do.

SmudgeButt · 26/09/2020 13:57

Don't give her money for her birthday. give her a new jumper instead.

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/09/2020 13:58

My DD lost her PE pullover on the day of her first PE session. She didn't lose it at school nor on the bus. But walking from her friend's home. I checked with the school, bus company, friend's house and we retraced her footsteps home. Had her name on it.
I made her pay for a replacement out of her savings. Although she is generally ok-ish at not losing stuff, I really can't afford to replace items at £20 a pop.

FippertyGibbett · 26/09/2020 13:58

No. Kids lose things and things get stolen.

MsKeats · 26/09/2020 13:59

You label everything mutiple times -perm marker and tighly sewn in labels. Then you ask her every day where is your jumper -but charge her yes if she didn't stop losing her stuff but after multiple warnings

MayIJustAsk · 26/09/2020 14:00

Poor girl. Don't make her pay half OP that's cruel. If it is not in lost property someone could have taken it home by accident that's not her fault. Kids loose their uniform stuff all the time this wont be the last thing you will have to replace.

Sobeyondthehills · 26/09/2020 14:00

I wouldn't use the birthday money, but I would ask for the money out of other means, pocket money or chores for repeat offences.

DS is 8 and as lost 2 jumpers since the start of term, the first one I found it in the lost and found, the second time, I made him go and ask the office ladies. If he was older and we couldnt find it then I might get him to do extra chores will cross that bridge when I get to it

Porcupineinwaiting · 26/09/2020 14:00

I started charging mine (full price) for replacements in Y5. By Y7 there were no more losses.

If you charge 50% for a first loss and 100% thereafter you may be amazed how often she finds lostbitems.

Cantthinkofausename · 26/09/2020 14:12

HarshConfused