To think my mental health problems must be somehow my parents fault

[wanttobenormal]

I have had depression from age 15 , have been on antidepressants most of my life plus therapy. My sister has anxiety and and an ED. Brother is the worst with depression and anorexia severe enough that he has not been able to get a job ever and has v few qualifications. My sister and I have jobs and generally are able to function to s certain extent but seem to have trouble with relationships.

We all seem to have low self esteem and I can't help thinking there must be something in the way we were raised. Our parents are generally loving but our mother is anxious and lacks confidence.

I don’t think trying to find a cause is likely to be very helpful to you. I’m sure there’s a genetic/environmental/parenting element to how we all are as people.

I think our parents have a huge bearing on how we turn out and it can be hard to acknowledge that.

What about your dad? Why are you only thinking of your mum?

It may be genetic, it may be upbringing. It doesn’t change anything. You need to make a life for you. You absolutely can op!

@iggly yes our Dad has depression also but has always managed to function

I fully blame my parents for mine.

Grew up in a Very strange household.

Parents not together but pretending for years that they were to the outside world .. for years Approx 20. So every Christmas we would babies family and my parents would sit together and eat and no one else would realise that this was the ONLY time they would do this all year. Rest of year it was a divided house , sitting separate rooms to eat, my father slept on the sofa for 20 years mostly without a pillow or duvet.

My dad died 6 years ago and I found out he had been with in another relationship with someone else for 12 years . I was so angry with him because I wish he would have just left his dreadful " marriage " and been with her instead and had some happiness instead of this horrendous life with my mother .

I have anxiety and depression. I don't have medication for it . I work am successful have my own family but fight an inner battle daily. I blame them they messed me up.

• every Christmas we would be at families that should say ( not babies )

I'm very sorry for your struggles (and the same for your siblings) but why does it matter? Might be nature, might be nurture but either way it leaves you in the same position.

Op, how old are you now?

I mean, everyone's mental health is just a sum of everything they've been through plus brain chemistry, right?

I have anxiety and depression. For a long, long time I believed my family 'situation' to be normal when I was growing up, but of course I didn't have much to compare it to. I've only ever had one family after all!

My parents were never 'in love' and there was often an atmosphere of tension. My mum would often lose her temper with him (or indeed us) and then we would be ignored for a couple of days until she decided she fancied speaking to us again - then it would be magically back to normal again. I remember how it felt when she spoke to me for the first time after being in one of her moods, and I was so pathetically happy she was speaking to me .. it's sad really.

So I honestly believe that has contributed to my anxiety and my 'need to please'. But what REALLY kicked it off was when my parents finally split (something that should in hindsight have happened years before) when I was 24. I was so much more 'involved' than I would have been if I was a child, there was a lot of drama surrounding selling the family home (which in the end didn't happen) and it was just a horrible time. Things in our family still aren't right six years later, and my mental health is ridiculous.

I think to 'blame' my parents is the wrong thing to say, but I believe that I am right in thinking that my surroundings while growing up are the cause. So I guess that's the same thing, right?

@LindaEllen very similar to myself . Iv put some of my story further up. I think it's awful looking back how much they involved me in their problems I wish they would have just split .

@CoRhona I'm 33

If your parents loved you I dont see how trying to apportion blame really helps. They were doing their best and it doesnt really change things

It could be genetic, some other scenario you all went through, a sibling having a mental illness at a young age can have a massive affect etc. There could be many many reasons and equally lots of society struggles with mental health, it doesnt have to be a shared cause. I dont see how looking for a cause or trying to blame your parents helps

I think you can name a conscious decision to start living the life you want as an adult and not dwell on the past.

My parents were never 'in love' and there was often an atmosphere of tension. My mum would often lose her temper with him (or indeed us) and then we would be ignored for a couple of days until she decided she fancied speaking to us again - then it would be magically back to normal again. I remember how it felt when she spoke to me for the first time after being in one of her moods, and I was so pathetically happy she was speaking to me .. it's sad really.@LindaEllen my mother did this also . I would be saying please talk to me , very sad.

Thank you all for sharing. The reason I'm wondering is because I'm desperate not to pass anything on to DS. DHs family also have a history of depression in two of the siblings.

@RedHelenB it is hard , I was made to lie for years I was told to tell my fiends my Nan and grandad were dead also ( they weren't dead my parents just had a fall
Out with them) I am so messed up with all the lies they dragged me
Into

@wanttobenormal it's rife in my family too and
Im scared to pass onto my 3 year old . Brother is anxious . Then my 2 cousins ( fathers side) both very depressed . Fathers dad Valium suffers with nerves they say . It's sad .

Is it genetic perhaps?

But no, if your parents were not abusive to you I think you are reaching. But your dm suffers anxiety and you all suffer illnesses of a similar ilk - perhaps you are genetically disposed to this type of illness, just like physical ailments can run in families why not mental ailments too?

@hurraz
I think the fact we are aware of possibly passing it on makes it less likely . I hope anyway. I am going to do everything I can to make sure DS is happy and confident

@wanttobenormal yes I know what you mean . I really don't want to make him lie about things and make him feel bad about himself . I was always told such horrible things by my mum
She hated my dad and it really showed . She would say to me "
Your nice features like your eyes you get from me " whereas your nose and lips are your dads"

I strongly suspect that the mental health problems I've suffered since I was relatively young stem from my parents and most specifically my mother. She suffered her own mental health problems and troubled family history but, boy, didn't we children know it. Her anxiety, reticence to do anything, distance and occasional spitefulness ran though my childhood and teens like the letters in Blackpool rock. And my father just let it all happen to an extent - it was all excused away and still is. Our problems were just brushed aside as us "making a fuss" that made my mother's life harder.

Having had extensive therapy as an adult, my parents were very keen to deflect any 'blame' (not that I was looking to apportion it) to anything but themselves. I look back sometimes and want to scream because it would have taken so little from them to make a huge difference to me.

Does it make any difference where the roots of issues lie? No, not really. But sometimes just understanding the cause, even partially, even just a little, makes it easier to live with and less likely to blame ourselves for being "weak" or "difficult" or whatever other label gets put on those of us who get the fallout from other people's problems.

You need to take responsibility for you. Depression is an illness, it may have a genetic element but as long as you're looking for someone to blame you're not going to get better. I have experience of this. You sound like you obviously want the best for your son. Try not to worry. Set a good example by getting treatment and talking about mental health. Don't let him think it's anyone's fault or that anything is predestined.

It’s impossible to separate nature from nurture! It may have contributed. It may have happened regardless. Can I ask what you mean when you say you struggle with relationships?

I had a challenging childhood. My Mum had an explosive temper and could cold shoulder (what I now understand to be stonewalling). I put a lot of my issues (Anxiety, problems with friendships) down to how she was (the variation and unpredictable behaviour). However as an adult I realised and was subsequently diagnosed as Autistic. So probably a bit of both. I have learned from my childhood what helped me and what was harmful. I work really hard as a parent to make DD feel secure and that I’m approachable for her (I believe she is also on the spectrum, we are just starting on the pathway). Have you had any counselling? I’ve been having counselling and that has helped me heal from the past and helped me move forward.

[quote wanttobenormal]@hurraz
I think the fact we are aware of possibly passing it on makes it less likely . I hope anyway. I am going to do everything I can to make sure DS is happy and confident[/quote]
If your parents were overly anxious and depressed then that probably rubbed off on you and your siblings. It’s contagious, especially when you lived together every day. Now you’re all adults, you probably still struggle to figure out healthy coping mechanisms. Do you all regularly see psychologists and discuss your upbringing? The home environment?

I understand your concerns about your DS, but he probably won’t “inherit” your depression. More likely it will be influenced by his environment and tuning in on your depression. Please seek help from a psychologist so you can truly heal. It’s so so difficult, but I wish you luck

It’s time for you and your siblings to take responsibility. Yes, growing up with parents with MH is not ideal, but you can’t blame them now that you’re an adult. You need to appreciate your present and look forward to the future. Not dwell on the past. Again, I hope you all see a psychologist and can heal.