To think my mental health problems must be somehow my parents fault

[wanttobenormal]

I have had depression from age 15 , have been on antidepressants most of my life plus therapy. My sister has anxiety and and an ED. Brother is the worst with depression and anorexia severe enough that he has not been able to get a job ever and has v few qualifications. My sister and I have jobs and generally are able to function to s certain extent but seem to have trouble with relationships.

We all seem to have low self esteem and I can't help thinking there must be something in the way we were raised. Our parents are generally loving but our mother is anxious and lacks confidence.

It’s helpful sometimes to look at the personality traits that form when living with someone MH conditions. For me as a child it was lack of social interaction which left me shy and short of friends. My DM also cut people off for the smallest reason with “they are dead to me now” comments. I took this trait with me in my 20s and it took the realisation it was “me” that was the problem in many failed relationships. I have worked hard to maintain friendships and have tried to be more positive with my DCs but still DD suffered with an eating disorder. I look back for answers and not for blame.

Look up emotional neglect. If your parents didn't talk to you and make you feel secure and engage with you face to face lots in your very young years, you can be left feeling unconnected which often leads to mental health issues like depression. and anxiety.

But I also massively agree with this comment:

Or you can see your parents as people operating under genetic and environmental pressures, just like you, and then turn your energies towards working on your own mental health and life.

I think a more helpful thing is to imagine different start lines. So someone with less stumbling blocks may do better in life but the person with greater handicaps may have achieved more by having less iyswim.

For instance a person who has grown up in care who gets 3 A levels has achieved more than someone with a wonderful upbringing who gets a PhD.

Oh gosh, I recognise and relate to so much being said here.
It’s only now as an adult with my own children, I look back and try to analyse why I’m like I am.
Behaviour certainly rubs off and with that anxiety, depression and everything else. Likewise positive behaviour would do the same.
I had lots of friends growing up but now find myself with very few. I have a fear of trust, am over critical. My parents have friends that they always seem to fall out with and part ways and then criticise.
When my DS was born, my hospital notes mentioned a history of depression- not mine- but my dm has told them this and things fell into place. I realise so much of dms behaviour as I was growing up was a result of her being depressed and I try so hard not to be like her. She has a very short life expectancy now and it’s too late to say how I feel and put things right. I don’t recall ever being told that she loves me ( I’m sure she did when I was a child), she openly admits she prefers pets to kids, I was brought up being told she wished I’d never been born. It’s hard to get over and as she nears her end, I guess I’m hopeful she’ll apologise for her wrongs in an effort to correct them, but deep down I know she won’t.
I don’t think she would even see them as wrong. I’m left an anxious wreck, and I can see it passing on to my dcs which I’m desperately trying to stop. I’m trying to work through things a piece at a time- together I’m overwhelmed by it all but I’m hopeful of tackling it bit by bit.

Start reading the Stately Homes thread and do some research to help put your childhood in context. As @NotmyfirstpostNamechanged posts mentions, eds can have links to controlling etc parents. If you can identify what sort of things were your normal, then that will make it easier to deal with the outcome of those behaviours which will let you avoid doing the same thing with your DS.

Also, have a read of this Philippa Perry Book

It’s always a combination of factors but j do think that there are genetic vulnerabilities and rather than a guarantee of avoiding anxiety and depression modelling how to manage it and looking for ways to build resilience is the best you can do. I’m pretty certain my first DC will meet the threshold for an anxiety diagnosis at some point I’m working hard to equip him with the tools to manage. It’s hard and it’s easy to apportion blame to yourself and others. I didn’t have an easy childhood and my own dm was depressed and isn’t very warm but she came from her own dysfunctional family and I know she loves me.

[quote hurraz]@LindaEllen very similar to myself . Iv put some of my story further up. I think it's awful looking back how much they involved me in their problems I wish they would have just split . [/quote]
Sorry you had to go through it too! I think there's this perception that as soon as your kids aren't kids it won't affect them - but of course it will! In different ways of course, for example I constantly worry that they're both on their own, and what that might mean for the future. Neither of them has even considered a new relationship and they're both almost 60 now. AND they still insist on meeting as a family for things like birthdays and Christmases. I think they think they're making things easier so my brother and I don't have to worry about seeing them both on these occasions .. but on the contrary it just means there's still an awkward atmosphere! I have no idea when/if it's going to end. I think one of them NEEDS to meet someone else, I just can't see it happening.