To think my mental health problems must be somehow my parents fault

[wanttobenormal]

I have had depression from age 15 , have been on antidepressants most of my life plus therapy. My sister has anxiety and and an ED. Brother is the worst with depression and anorexia severe enough that he has not been able to get a job ever and has v few qualifications. My sister and I have jobs and generally are able to function to s certain extent but seem to have trouble with relationships.

We all seem to have low self esteem and I can't help thinking there must be something in the way we were raised. Our parents are generally loving but our mother is anxious and lacks confidence.

I think you are probably right - early life experiences are so important in how our mental health is.

That doesn't make your difficulties your parent's fault, if your dm struggled herself she may have been doing the best she could with the resources available to her.

The entire history of psychiatry agrees with you - most things are blamed on mothers. It still goes on today.

As an adult, you can certainly do that. I did, for a long time.

Or you can see your parents as people operating under genetic and environmental pressures, just like you, and then turn your energies towards working on your own mental health and life.

Your family sounds as if there is a strong predisposition towards depression and anxiety. That's shit. Just as it is when there's a strong family history of heart disease.

It's not as if your mum and dad were exempt from their own genetics + environment either. I mean, if family is the cause of your poor mental health, presumably the same is the case for them? Parents aren't magically exempt from their own genetic and environmental histories.

Idk. If your parents were abusive or neglectful, that's one thing (mine were). If it's just that they struggled at times? Well, so do we all.

In the end, cause seeking (searching for a blameable object) is relatively normal, but it's a stage to move through rather than An Answer to cling to.

After having my own children and subsequently questioning everything about my own upbringing and DH's, I'm convinced that most of the issues we experience through life can be traced back to childhood. It's so incredibly impactful.

YANBU. Sorry you're struggling OP

My mother was very vocal about hating motherhood & my perceived failings (an endless list ,added to daily). But she was smart enough to put a lid on it when my Dad was at home & wasn't traveling with his job. He was very loving,but short tempered & as he was so clever had high expectations I couldn't live up to. I'm sure my depression & tendency to go for emotionally abusive relationships stems from my childhood. Theres a saying medieval Jesuit run schools had: "Give me the child until he is 8 & I will give you the man". The child psychology part of my teaching degree backs me up on the effect of an uninterested, distant or anxious mother on infant development.

My paternal side has a predisposition towards MH problems, multiple relatives have suffered from them, including my Dad. I also had a somewhat traumatic upbringing. So it’s hardly surprisingly that I’ve been diagnosed with GAD and my DS has shown signs of anxiety as well.

All we can do is deal with these conditions as best we can. I think I’ve dealt with mine better than my Dad and his siblings did, and I’m giving DS as much support as I can and he’s seen a counselor. That’s all we can do, OP. I’ve felt resentful towards my Dad at times for the difficulties he put me and my Mum through, but there’s no point, it’s in the past. Try to focus on the future instead.💐

I do think, to the extent you are going to blame your parents' for how you turn out at 18, and it may be very valid, you have to acknowledge that you are then responsible to the same extent for how you change (or not) from that point on.

I think genetics play a huge role.

Personally outside of abuse and neglect I don't really like the huge focus we have on needing to find someone to blame for things that happen to us as an adult. Life is complicated and imperfect and I don't think it helps to overanalyse the past.

I appreciate that you came to MN possibly for reassurance, but you must know this is a quick Google search for “is depression genetic?” and yes, some of it is. So as kindly as possible, YABU re: your parents. If they had been horrible to you and emotionally scarred you, I could understand. But you yourself said they were generally loving, but admit that your father had depression as well.

“Scientists believe that as many as 40 percent of those with depression can trace it to a genetic link. Environmental and other factors make up the other 60 percent. Research has also shown that people with parents or siblings who have depression are up to three times more likely to have the condition.”

So your father and your siblings made you at increased risk.

If your son has inherited the genetic link, it’s there. The end. You could step on eggshells for the next 10 years trying to be the perfect parent, and he might or might not develop depression. Or you could accept that it’s impossible to see the future and just give him the most normal, loving childhood you can, which it sounds like you already are; and it sounds like that’s what your parents did for you. Equally, perhaps realize that if your DS does develop depression, you may be uniquely suited to help him, empathize with him, get him the support he needs, and generally be the type of parent that helps him lead a full life even with depression, which may be priceless.

BUT if he does develop depression, please don’t do this where you catalogue past faults, fearing it’s something in some way that you raised him. No one thing (you yelled at him once for not picking up his room; you took away his electronics for not doing his chores; you didn’t go to one event of his because you had a depressive episode) or even several things you do are going to give him depression if on the whole your house is loving and supportive.

I don’t get the impression that you are trying to apportion “blame”, but that your OP is coming from a place of wanting to understand. It is important to understand in order that we do not cause the same problems for our children. And you are right in your assessment. Mental health problems are the result of a complicated relationship between genetics and environment.

I completely disagree that it doesn't make any difference to understand the root cause of your anxiety or depression. It absolutely does. It can help you make sense of it, validate your feelings and make you feel that it's not all your fault or any defect in you.

Blame isn't really the right word but it is difficult if your parents have never taken responsibility for how their behaviour affected you, it can be hard not to feel frustrated with them.

Depression is far more likely to be epigenetic than purely genetic. In other words a combination of your genes and the environment you grew up in. It is difficult to separate the two and correlation does not prove causation. So just because you and your parents both had depression, it does not prove a genetic link, it could be their behaviour as a result of their depression facilitated your anxiety/depression.

Lots of people armed with greater awareness of triggers for mental health problems break the cycle with their own children. They can be more honest, communicate better, be less abusive, more supportive etc.

If you haven't had any therapy, it may be worth getting to the bottom of what might have caused or at least worsened yours and your siblings' depression and anxiety.

I wouldn't blame your parents for your mental health problems, but I would learn to accept your less than perfect upbringing and the loss of the parents you needed rather than got.

You can only change what you think and feel, so break the cycle of abuse (whether it be verbal, mental, emotional, physical). You will revert back to old ways (You'll see yourself coming out with something your parents would do). But just be completely self aware of it, and make the change. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's great you're self aware already. That's the first step.

I think that there is a bit of an expiry date for blaming your problems on your parents/upbringing. Even if that is the case, as an adult it's time for you to take the wheel on your own life. Seek out support/counselling /therapy and anything you need. Take care

The thing is they can blame their parents and early environment and the cycle never ends. Theres a lot to be gained from acknowledging that it had an impact and that genetics has an impact but blame isnt helpful in itself.

I think it can be helpful to look at the origin of your mental health issues and how your childhood helped form them. In my case, it wasn’t about blaming anyone. I just couldn’t learn to express my emotions (except through suicidal thoughts and self-harm) until I finally acknowledged that I’d never been allowed to have feelings as a child because I’d been cast in the role of my mother’s “best friend” and only support. I doubt most people would call my childhood abusive, People usually think my mother is a cool mum. But I couldn’t make plans to move on until I’d recognised where things went wrong.

Sometimes when treating mental health you can see repeating intergenerational patterns - parents who did not have good parenting struggling to be good parents. Attachment bonds being affected by parental depression.
Be an authoritative caring parent - create a safe base with safe but not overly rigid limits. Praise more than you correct. Value yourself. Model good body image. Treat yourself. Strive and achieve goals. Let your children see you read and study and play sport. Let your children develop independence at age appropriate stages. Give them responsibilities. Forgive easily. Show them how to regulate their emotions by teaching time outs for anger and giving hugs for sadness. Avoid verbalising worry too much, but do be prepared to show emotions and contextualise 'oh I'm feeling grumpy because work was awful today'. Get help or self help for any MH or emotional difficulties.

I meant to add that I don't think the intergenerational cycles I described are parents fault, unless abusive. It is the human condition.

I think these posts describing the OP as wanting to ‘blame’ her parents or saying she should ‘take responsibility’ are overly simplistic. I found when I became a parent it made me look really hard at who I was and who I wanted to be. Part of that involved thinking about how I was parented, how that may have influenced the person I became and what I did and didn’t want to emulate in my own parenting. I think that’s a very normal process and it’s what OP is doing.

OP it is probably both nature and nurture, but I have low self-esteem. I read up the possible causes of that and it turned out that it often had its root in parenting and other early experiences. I really identified with some of the things I read - for example my parents made my self-worth totally dependent on external praise and validation, from them, teachers and other adults. Having identified that I’m going to try to do things differently with my child. So maybe do some research or have some counselling and try to work out what the underlying causes might be.

OP, you mention eating disorders too. To my knowledge, I have known 3 people with eating disorders:

1. A former bf's sister had anorexia and was hospitalised and very nearly died. Her mother was extremely controlling. She didn't come across as a horrible mother but took way too much interest in and interfered in all aspects of her children's lives.

My bf's wages went into her bank account and he had to ask for any money he wanted and justify why. She even made me contribute towards his petrol. I split up with him when after some violent episodes when I wouldn't behave how he wanted me to. Years later, he is suffering very severe OCD (no-one allowed in his home, wife has to take off her clothes and wash them and shower after taking something out to the bin). His child was brought up by his controlling mother as a result too. (God help him). Ex bf is violent because he tries to impose some control on his life. His wife's life is hell.

1. A friend with bulimia who was hospitalised at 4.5 stones in weight. She still takes packets of laxatives every day which no longer affect her weight but her hair is patchy and like cotton wool and teeth and skin very poor. She exercises for hours every day. She is from the Sikh religion and is doing it to stop her parents from marrying her off. She hasn't had periods for years because of her diet and that means no man will accept her. Her parents refused counselling for her as they don't believe in it.

1. An older lady I know is anorexic (although she doesn't believe she is anymore). She was treated abominably by her mother who brought her up alone. Again her mother tried to, and did, control every aspect of her life.

In these cases I do believe their mental health issues are because of the behaviour of their parent/parents.

Children are like sponges and copy everything when they are young so I do feel being around people who exhibit nervous behaviours and talk about irrational fears are likely to pass these on. I don't necessarily think that is the case with clinical depression etc and other depressive illnesses.

I have someone close with severe depression and, I must admit, I'd probably advise them against having a partner who also suffers it though in case it is genetic.

And @b0redb0redb0red is absolutely right - it’s about working out what caused what so that you can move forward without repeating the same mistakes. Not seeking to place blame or shirk responsibility - quite the opposite, actually.

Past events, history, genetics etc. all play a part in a persons mental health.

However, this does not mean it is your parents fault, and if you think you can just blame them for the way you are rather than get treatment to recover then that is entirely on you.

We cannot change the past or the actions of others, but we can change the future and our own paths. You can only recover by doing something about it, not wallowing and attributing blame.

I’ve struggled with an ED on and off since I was 13. That’s over 25 years. Objectively it’s definitely partly to do with my mum’s own problems with food as she too has very disordered eating and I grew up thinking that that way she ate was normal for women.

But I’ve made my peace with it in the sense that I realise she had her own struggles and did the best she could. I take responsibility for my own recovery and model and good relationship with good with my own DCs. I am where I am and looking for somewhere to place the blame will not help me Maintain good mental health around food.

So many typos! I hope you get my general point.

It’s likely genetic. If your son does suffer with MH problem would you want him thinking it was probably your fault?
Cut your parents some slack, if they loved you and did their best you are very lucky.

It's hard to say OP without you giving any specific reasons in what things they did that may have contributed. Plenty of parents have depressions and anxiety etc and don't 'pass it on'. I think only a trained therapist / psychologist would be able to pick apart the 'whys' with any degree of certainty though

I dont think parents being responsible for someones mental health conditions is a revolutionary idea.

But I dont see how by the time you get to 33 saying my parents did this so now I am depressed helps. I think its far too simplistic, and I think you end up getting stuck blaming your parents. Our envirnoments as children are made up of a lot more than just our parents, and OP has had 15 years living in the world outside of her parents home.

In all honesty a large percentage of the population will have mental heslth problems in their lifetime. Its really really common, I dont know if you can prevent your DS have mental health difficulties but all you can do is love him and support him if it happens.