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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If you struggled financially at one point and are now in a better place...

121 replies

champagnesupernovainthesky · 24/09/2020 18:05

Does it feel weird sometimes when you're food shopping and don't have to count every single penny anymore?

I'm in a much better situation financially now than a few years ago due to no longer being with DP and his financial abuse but from time it still feels weird to not be trailing the supermarket worrying about what to buy!?

Does anyone else have this?! Its almost like I shouldn't be looking at some things in the shop! Grin

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 27/09/2020 15:50

In an odd way, it's good to know how to survive on £20 a week.

As a student (pre-loans), it was really tight some days down to the last 50p, then I had a good income but couldn't bring myself to buy expensive stuff like beef or seafood. It made me uneasy even 20 years after.

Now I've been made redundant but honestly not too stressed. I've survived before. We'll be fine somehow. Smile

TimetohittheroadJack · 27/09/2020 16:18

I related to so much on this thread! I was a single parent for a long time and everywhere we went we had a picnic. I didn’t have the money to buy drinks or ice creams and my children didn’t even ask as they knew it was a no. I then met my dh, and landed a much better paid job. Every time we go out now, I feel a mixture of thrill that I can go buy lunch and buy drinks or ice creams, but also tinged with guilt that maybe I shouldn’t, and keep the money just in case.

I will buy my dh and children pretty much anything they want (obviously within reason), but I still really struggle spending money on myself!

FinallyFluid · 27/09/2020 16:49

I earn a decent sum for twenty hours a week, I have it in a separate account, I really don't like spending it. Blush

We bought a fire pit last month it came out of savings.

When payday came around, I cleared whatever was left in my current account into the savings, so in essence my P/T job paid for the fire pit.

Go Figure. Grin

We have a rough idea in our head what we are happy to pay for accommodation on holidays, I put that budget into a search engine came up with and eight bedroomed place up in the mountains, with private pool and all the bells and whistles and nearly didn't book it because it was excessive.

Lack of money, never leaves you, whether it is totally broke, or just eye wateringly tight.

BUT it does get easier. I promise.

Xenia · 27/09/2020 16:54

I remember when things like hair conditioner and orange juice and sun cream were too expensive when we spent 50% of our net pay on full time childcare for the baby. Had to use cloth nappies as disposables too expensive. At one point we had 3 in nappies at night - a lot of washing.

In the sixth form I had 35p a week pocket money and as a student not much either.

CremeEggThief · 27/09/2020 17:14

@Mintjulia, absolutely.
It must be much, much harder for people who have no experience of the benefits system and are now having to claim as a result of losing their jobs due to the effects of the pandemic, than it is for those of us who have financially struggled before, but know we can get by on next to nothing!

Ermmmmname · 27/09/2020 17:44

I do all mine online and I get the fancy sausages now. It’s nice to get the choice, at my worst point I relied on whatever some family members could spare. I go a bit crazy when it comes to Christmas food too as the budget goes up even more and I can get whatever I want.
Whenever we worry about money I know it’s nowhere near the lowest I’ve been and I’ll be fine as long as I never have to have another Sainsbury’s basic sausage in my life.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/09/2020 17:52

Definitely!

When Ex left DS1 was 5 months old and whilst we never went without, money was tight. I always counted the cost of everything when shopping and lived from month to month with help from my incredible parents.

Now that those days are over I still have moments of doubt when I pop into the shops and pick bits up, especially when it's 'treat' stuff.

@champagnesupernovainthesky so pleased you're away from the abuse and stress - here's to always being happy to wander about the supermarket knowing you can buy what you like.

lachy · 27/09/2020 18:25

I'm sure the fear of going back to nothing will never leave me.

I know that I have money in the bank to buy food, pay the bills, pay into savings, and even though we earn good salaries, I can't bring myself to increase our shopping budget beyond £200 per month, and I still check my online banking every day, just to make sure I know what I have.

Life is very different now than it was 10 years ago. I don't get scared when the phone rings, or when the postman puts white envelopes through the door.

tokyogirl · 28/09/2020 07:09

@FudgeBrownie2019

Definitely!

When Ex left DS1 was 5 months old and whilst we never went without, money was tight. I always counted the cost of everything when shopping and lived from month to month with help from my incredible parents.

Now that those days are over I still have moments of doubt when I pop into the shops and pick bits up, especially when it's 'treat' stuff.

@champagnesupernovainthesky so pleased you're away from the abuse and stress - here's to always being happy to wander about the supermarket knowing you can buy what you like.

Thank you @fudgebrownie2019 things are a lot brighter nowadays I'm glad they are for you too FlowersCakeSmile
MikeEhrmantraut · 28/09/2020 08:00

It still feels decadent filling up the entire tank of my car, not just £10/20 when I absolutely needed to get fuel.

lborgia · 29/09/2020 05:42

For those worrying about a whole tank, it’s actually more efficient, than an empty tank where more petrol disappears as

Something that this thread reminded me about.. my in-laws always want to take sandwiches and thermos on trips, and for some reason that makes me feel sick. They have tons of money, and can do whatever they want, but it just reminds me of the feeling of shame I suppose.

Shame is the overriding feeling from all of this, which is odd seeing as none of it is our fault.

lborgia · 29/09/2020 05:43

Disappears as fumes!! Forgot to finish that sentence.

Hippywannabe · 29/09/2020 07:18

I don't think the fear ever leaves you once you have been so broke that buying food is terrifying in case you don't have enough money. I am OK now but once was literally down to the last bit of food in my house after the first DH sailed into the sunset with a 19 year old. My Dad put money in my account for me but before I could get to the bank, ex DH took it out. I will NEVER forget that moment at the cash machine.
Likewise, the moment in the Post Office where the lovely lady gave me milk tokens and I stood in the queue with 3 small children and sobbed.
Now, I have a new DH, 3 grown up children and a grandson, a paid off mortgage plus a couple of thousand in the bank as a cushion.
I still buy all my clothes at the charity shops and wince at the food bill.

burntpinky · 01/10/2020 06:28

Definitely resonates with me. I was in a lot of debt in my 20’s (now 42) due to no financial education from my school/parents and simply racking up store and credit cards at uni and my early professional years. Low point was when I lost my job after I’d just bought my first house on a 100% mortgage and signed in dotted line for new kitchen. It was hell on earth.

Clawed way out of that when got new job and now in a very strong position financially with me and DH having well paid jobs (and I also have the luxury of being able to earn double what I’m on now if ever I need/want to by going back to the role I had pre-kids - a safety net for which I am very grateful), loads of equity in my first property (which I kept and is rented out) and loads of equity in house/savings and ok pensions.

I still set myself a budget each month for spending money (groceries, kids stuff, meals out, clothes etc) which DH doesn’t understand and I still try to shop frugally and look for bargains/buy offers as I do still worry about money having been in dire straits previously. So yes, I think this feeling never ever leaves you and I get very upset if I go over my monthly budget, even if we can afford it

BABSYA · 01/10/2020 13:07

BurntPinky I am so glad you have moved forward I am intrigued what you do and did career wise?

finebaroque · 01/10/2020 14:07

I spent more than a decade on benefits as a single parent carer to a disabled child. We really had to scrimp at times, especially the early days before I'd worked out how the benefits system worked and learned that I could get DLA. Looking back, we always had enough food to eat but it was fairly basic food, and often cheaper ready made stuff as that's the kind of thing that was easiest to prepare. Sometimes I couldn't manage to make sandwiches for a day out, so I'd have to buy them, but I'd just buy one sandwich for us both, and I'd eat his crusts as he wouldn't eat them. And I'd chew my food slowly so I wouldn't have to fork out for a drink to wash it down.

He's an adult now and we are far more comfortable financially. We still make our own sandwiches for days out, bringing our own water bottles and claiming every discount we can (free carer entry and free travelcard). I'm a bit more relaxed with food shopping, as I can see that it's better in the long run to buy healthy food, and use more premium brands if the quality is better, but I bulk out meals and batch cook as much as possible.

There are some things that I baulk at doing, even though it wouldn't make too much of a dent in our finances. Running a car (as we get free travel/disabled railcard), using taxis, getting a pet, paying for haircuts or manicures, buying takeaway coffees, I repair clothes, use old clothes as wash rags, load up the freezer with yellow sticker bargains, resist putting the heating on for as long as we can, buy clothes a little too big for my toddler and hem the legs/sleeves to maximise the time she can wear them. And I sanitise my hands using public sanitiser points as much as I can, to avoid running down my own supplies!

burntpinky · 02/10/2020 07:03

Legal. Currently in house and 4 days a week. If I went back into private practice it’d be double the salary or more (though a lot more stress!!) plus bonus

Emeraldshamrock · 02/10/2020 07:49

Yes but it isn't a secure place plus I've been overspending according to some I think I was just catching up after spending 4/5years scraping by.
I look back and I really don't know how we managed there was times when i fed the DC over myself.
I try give back too by passing on the DC clothes to those without much and small acts of kindness like giving a fiver to a person short with their shopping money.
I try to do one kind thing a week even if it is buying the local homeless some sausage rolls. Grin

user1471538283 · 03/10/2020 10:23

I think poverty scars you and as a result I know I don't have a healthy relationship with money. I am getting better and some things I will splash out on but i regularly am outraged at the cost of basic things. Poverty also discouraged me from taking risks. I spent many years in the same job and the same house because it felt secure. Maybe if I had gone for it I would be in an even better financial position. I'm resentful of those years

burntpinky · 03/10/2020 17:07

I also hate letting DH do the shopping (like I did today) because he pays no attention to price/offers and getting best deal. We barely needed anything this week and he still spent £55 and then another £12 on top in another shop. I tend to try to control what we buy (a trait I am not proud of) and we do generally eat well but I will try to get the best deal/buy in bulk where we can.

I definitely think it never leaves you, for example, we don’t buy new cars even though now we can afford them. Instead we buy something second hand and decent and on a 0% credit card which we then pay off before deadline to keep the (minimal!) interest in our bank account and not line the pockets of a finance company.

FinallyFluid · 10/10/2020 23:54

We were soooooooooooooooo lock down bored today, that we having never been any where close we drove to the not so local Aldi, to just look and see. 'Twasn't great. About a twenty mile round trip.

On the way home we called into the pub where DS works, we ordered some food, waited for his break to kick in, took him to another local pub and fed him burger and a swift half.

Delivered him back.

All told, not a lot of money, but more than we could have contemplated even five years ago.

So if you are new to this thread, it does please God change.

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