If you struggled financially at one point and are now in a better place...

[champagnesupernovainthesky]

Does it feel weird sometimes when you're food shopping and don't have to count every single penny anymore?

I'm in a much better situation financially now than a few years ago due to no longer being with DP and his financial abuse but from time it still feels weird to not be trailing the supermarket worrying about what to buy!?

Does anyone else have this?! Its almost like I shouldn't be looking at some things in the shop!

I will never have to worry about money ever again, and yet every time the machine takes a second or two extra to say my card is accepted, my stomach drops.

I do occasionally buy a few things in a compulsive way, but then I really hate how I feel after, and often take them back.

Meanwhile, I am grateful that I can get take always when I’m ill etc., but I will never be relaxed around money, ever.

I’m really confused about what to do with my children because I feel they are really deluded having been brought up with no idea about money troubles. On the one hand, that’s amazing, on the other, how do I get them to understand properly. Short of kicking them out without any help when they become adults, I don’t see a way. It does occupy me regularly how to teach them.

I very much relate to feeling sick of the car makes a funny noise. Still do this. It’s an awful feeling. Equally if we have anyone in to do work or a repair in the house, I’m constantly on edge in case the price agreed has to go up for anything bad or unexpected being discovered during the work. Despite being ok to afford it.

Like others have said, I still look for a bargain, look on the reduced shelf etc. Old habits die hard.

I’m really confused about what to do with my children because I feel they are really deluded having been brought up with no idea about money troubles. On the one hand, that’s amazing, on the other, how do I get them to understand properly. Short of kicking them out without any help when they become adults, I don’t see a way. It does occupy me regularly how to teach them.

You're not going to be able to replicate money worries but you can teach them to understand needs v want, to be able to delay gratification, and to recognise bargains etc.

Get them saving/putting things on a Christmas list rather than buying straight away. Buy own brand food so they know if can be as good/better than branded so they don't become students who can't comprehend buying anything other than branded (otherwise, even with your support, their first food shops as a student/in their own home will be a shock). Look at price per item with them and discuss what offers are worth it and what just tempt you to buy more than you need.

I’ve just had counselling (not unrelated to a poor upbringing) and part of the counselling was about what some PP have referred to as the guilt about spending money even though you can now.
I had a poor upbringing and when I married DH we had a run of poor luck which left us in our overdraft for a few months - as you know these things spiral and we ended up with significant debt and were fairly poor for the first 10 years of our relationship.
I although we’re totally well off now, it never leaves you. The guilt I feel when I have something lovely and the inability to use it is ridiculous. My counsellor suggested I need to get over this (in not so many words!) and through therapy I am getting better. You can’t take it with you and I’d hate to look back when I’m 90 and think I wish I’d done those things/bought those things. I am slowly finding the pleasure in nice things for myself.
Having said all that, I hate bills coming through the door, funny noises on the car, the heating breaking down etc.

I have plenty of savings but very little income. I lived in a family that had a skint period when I was a teen, also struggled to get permanent work so saved like crazy when in work. Savings have been gifted from parent as part of inheritance. Was quite short of cash when left ex. I have little prospect of working with two autistic children and a couple of conditions myself so even though I have savings they are saved for replacing white goods and taking children on holiday and buying food when maintenance has run out. There is still the fear lurking in the background. Also found it is better to keep expenditure on a lower level than variable income so there is a backup and it doesn't feel shit when income drops and we have to cut back a lot and go without stuff we have got used to.

Being poor previously is why I have a Brexit and covid stash, built up over the four years since 2016. I always kept full cupboards before too. It is the fear of being without food.

@BlackeyedSusan

Being poor previously is why I have a Brexit and covid stash, built up over the four years since 2016. I always kept full cupboards before too. It is the fear of being without food.

Same here.

I get an irrational thrill from a bargain.
Sad. But not the worst thing in the world.

Dealing with the children is the tricky part for me. They can annoy me with their privilege, which is I know ridiculous of me.

I made a breakthrough in spending a few years back when I bought an extra very warm coat for winter. Up until then I'd layered and felt it was too wasteful to have more than one proper coat. We had more than enough money in the bank.

I listen to the heating clunking too and worry in the small hours. The residual fear is just weird when I think of it.

It turns out I was born at a period when one parent was in depression due to debt. I am now pretty sure this has had an effect.

Me too! I remember paying by cheque for food because it give me 3-5 days grace to get some money in my account.

These days I've got a weird mixed up feeling where I'll happily buy a Mulberry handbag or Smythson laptop case (luxury goods) but still feel strange turning the heating on when it's just me in the house, or spending more than X on a winter coat, etc. (every day things).

I'm officially a 'high earner' but aside form carefully planned high expense goods, I live on much smaller budget month-to-month. Saving is almost an obsession since I remember how painful it felt to have no money left on week 3 of the month and I don't ever want to feel it again.

I grew up neglected, not fed properly due to stepfathers alcoholism and mothers MH issues. I paid for myself to go to University with zero assistance form home and worked at the same time. I had hardly anything but it was just me.

DH and I both had/ have well paid jobs and paid our mortgage off due to investments dong well when in our thirties. I still can’t waste a penny. I felt guilty when I found a bag of gone off onions as they had slipped down the back of the cupboard as it is a waste. I’m petrified of being hungry as I remember it as a child.

Yep. Have been a cats whisker away from having NOTHING. Now I’m not tight but always make sure I have a hidden fund. Just in case.....

I've never been badly off as an adult but we were short on cash growing up and it infected my psyche.

I now have a broadly appropriate attitude to spending: I earn plenty and don't have to worry about money and do now force myself to allow myself to buy good coats, have a decent gym membership etc. I still buy lots of my clothes second hand, only have a £10 haircut once or twice a year, run a cheap mobile phone. Buying a car that cost more than £1500 made me feel ill for days: I paid cash, it was small and 6 years old so hardly a huge extravagance, I still had some savings left after, I rebuilt what I had paid in a few months, but it was still terrifying. 3 years down the line with no reliability issues, no expensive services etc I know it was the right decision but it still freaked me out. I could buy a house worth twice what this one costs but the idea of all that debt terrifies me. But the fear doesn't rule my life anymore, and I don't keep receipts and reconcile them to the penny.

Anyone who was raised by a wartime parent will tell you that these habits never leave you.

Never mind saving wrapping paper, my lovely DF uses a pencil to wind up still-sticky sellotape that he salvages from any parcels he receives.

I’m really confused about what to do with my children because I feel they are really deluded having been brought up with no idea about money troubles. On the one hand, that’s amazing, on the other, how do I get them to understand properly. Short of kicking them out without any help when they become adults, I don’t see a way. It does occupy me regularly how to teach them.

I was brought up in poverty - as in not enough money for food, can’t pay the rent or bills poverty, we often went without food and clothes were handed down or gifted to us. That feeling of not being good enough (because I didn’t have basics) doesn’t really leave me. I need to be careful with money because it can feel so good to just buy stuff I don’t need just because I can.

I tend to get very anxious if I don’t have food in the house, a well stocked fridge and pantry are pretty much essential for my mental health and happily were very financially secure now.

In terms of my children, they don’t have any concerns about money but they both know mum and dad work hard for what we have and if we don’t work, we cant buy nice things. We also encourage them to save up for more costly things and they have pocket money to save and spend. They get toys and treats for birthday and Christmas and outside of that if they want something they will save up for it.

My DS is very aware of what things cost and how to save, my DD is more spendthrift. My DC are adopted and suffered neglect in their birth families so can be very anxious about knowing there’s enough food and things like new clothes are a huge treat for them. It’s a fine balance of them knowing their needs will always be met, and knowing the value of money.

No. I still only buy bulk grocery stuff when on offer - eg 1/3 off, I'll stock up on 4 months supply of anything I use regularly only when on offer.
I buy treats - stuff I wouldn't normally buy - only when reduced to clear.
And I would never buy clothes in a supermarket, always a charity shop.
But I do still only buy quality shoes that will last 2 years minimum of hard wear.
My bank balance is better, but I still only buy the same things.

It's been 10 years since I was in debt and it's only very recently that I can log in to my online banking and check my balance without feeling sick. And it's also a recent thing that I can order a luxury item without a heady thrill.

I grew up being very aware that money was extremely tight for my parents. I won’t go into details but can relate to a lot of what’s already been posted. My DH and I are comfortable now. Not rich by any means but food expenses are not a worry and we have plenty of supplies and can eat what we want. I still try to keep it as low as I can and find it very difficult to splurge on non-food items and eating out. Our children thankfully have never experienced going without but I talk to them about money and they know that life was different for me as a child and is sadly different for some children today. I hope they grow up to have empathy for others and being able to be careful with money.

Yes. My DH loves expensive stuff like steak, goats cheese, cashews and salmon. Every single week I see how much we spend and I feel so guilty towards my past self.

Yes 100% and I'm 9 years down the line. I'm not sure it'll ever leave me that feeling of going a pound over and my card being declined.

DH doesn't understand what I'm so weird about dipping into savings but I love looking at my bank account and seeing just in case money there.

It's very reassuring to that others can't let the anxiety go, I thought it was just me. I always seem to be the one who's still stressing, though there's no need anymore.

Unexpected letters, phone calls and visitors still make my heart stop and I struggle to spend anything on myself without feeling selfish and guilty.

I think there's some habits I will keep as think they're both sensible and good for the planet. We don't use credit, buy oldish cars, cook from scratch, I look on Gumtree for posh curtains etc and remake them, I get a buzz of being creative and thrifty.

But I'm going to promise myself to buy nice appropriate things and enjoy them, because I can afford it and I'm worth it!

For me, it is summed up by motorway service stations. Back when we had to watch for every penny, I would dread having to stop for the toilet, because it would lead either to a) not buying a drink or a snack that we or the kids wanted because of the extortionate cost or b) paying the extortionate cost and having it nag at the back of my mind for the rest of the day.

We were lucky to never be “poor”, but we had always to be mindful of what we spent every week and would be pretty good at buying bargains. Being forced to buy ordinary things at inflated prices because we were away from home/our routine supermarkets etc would make me feel a like anxious and ripped off and

I feel so privileged now to be able to not think about a few pounds extra here and there in a service station, on a train, cinema etc. It’s something that sounds petty and silly when you write it down, especially when many people have to work so hard with their finances to feed their families, but it also makes me think that government/ press commentators etc have no idea how stressful working to a budget is, as evidenced by the sob stories about our PM struggling because he has to pay for his own food from his £150k salary.

Yes.

At one point I was surviving on £20 a week after all bills were paid. That was for food and toiletries. Any social life was out of the question. My glasses broke and I couldn't afford new ones so I wore the same pair of contact lenses for 6 months, ended up with iritis in both eyes.

I'm certainly not well off now but I live in a much cheaper area and receive generous child maintenance from my ex. I have about £1300 disposable income a month now after all bills are paid. I'm at the zoo today with DS and it's just lovely to be able to say yes when he asks for an ice cream or something from the gift shop without having to worry.

I never had to think about money when I was younger, but divorce, etc led to a period of homelessness and even after I got a home, we were dirt poor for a while.

The dread of the electricity bill, children needing shoes and having to time the immersion heater are my worst memories. That and no transport in a rural setting, which meant being unable to buy food cheaply at a supermarket, and having to put things back when I did, hitchhiking to the dentist or doctor in the next village (not on bus route) jumble sale clothes. I remember bringing home a spin dryer on the market bus, which I bought second hand in an auction. Cafes were usually out of the question, unless the DC needed a wee, and then it involved things like having to say no to fizzy drinks and cakes... I did go without food to feed the DC until I discovered I could buy trays of eggs in the country market so cheaply, I’m surprised I didn't end up looking like an egg sandwich

In many ways it was a miserable time, and it is a fact that the likes of politicians and media people generally have no clue about the material and social deprivation and stress involved in being poor.

It was a short period in the scheme of things, and the DC are grown up, apparently unscathed, but it has left its mark on me, as I am now always prepared for poverty, with food stores and enough books and clothes so I could survive.
I never get over the sheer bliss of having a vehicle, a washing machine, a shower, heat, let alone all the stuff I can afford now.

Yes. For a long time, DH and I had no spare money, strict budgets for anything and used to walk around the supermarket with one of us ticking the list, the other adding up the cost.

Although we're not wealthy by any means now, we have disposable income and can treat ourselves to things. I don't think about it often, but I automatically look for bargains and if I go to the butcher and buy steaks or randomly, buy pure orange juice (things we couldn't afford before), I feel a bit odd and like I'm being a bit of spoiled brat.

Also, ddog needed the vet recently. Emergency bank holiday appointment, consult, treatment, follow up appointment = £400. And I paid in full, without using a credit card and worrying about paying it back. I felt good and like a proper adult that day!