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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch whilst WFH

79 replies

Belleoftheball88 · 24/09/2020 12:35

Like many, I have been WFH since March, and this is looking to continue into the new year at least.

Personally this is good for me as we have DD(4) who has recently started school, so with me being at home this removes the need for any before and after school clubs. I work full time, standard office hours, although my work are flexible in that I don't have to be on by a certain time, I just have to do my work and do 8 hours. I have a team leader level role.

DH also works full time, however he works shifts, including earlies, lates & nights. He cannot work from home due to the nature of his job.

With agreement from work, I split my lunch across school drop off and pick up. This usually means i am online from about 9, take my lunch about 3 to cover pick up, and then log of about 5.

When DH is here, he is constantly asking me to have lunch with him. Generally I like to have lunch at my desk and work through so I can use my lunch to pick DD up. DH takes it personally when I don't sit and have lunch with him. I have tried explaining that my lunch is used for pick up (which he does come with me as well sometimes) but at all other times I need to work.

He has asked I take my laptop and sit with him, however my office is set up for me to work with multiple screens etc which are required for my role.

I'm not saying I have never sat with him for lunch, but usually when he wants me to sit down with him i'm caught up with something and can't take the time away at that moment.

His job is very different, where he has to sit around and wait for work to come in, where as mine is full on and I could work 24\7 and not make a dent in it.

Today has resulted in a massive row about how I don't want to spend any time with him which isn't the case, I am just busy and want to go and pick DD using my lunch break.

In contrast, as he is on nights this week, DH has been coming home at 6am and going to bed so I get DD up and ready and out for school. He then gets up for lunch about 12pm, stays up for a while, and then goes back to bed from 2pm ish until 8 when he has to get up for work, so he is not spending any time with me or DD in the evening either, although I appreciate he needs sleep before he gets into work.

OP posts:
namechangeinamillion · 24/09/2020 12:37

If he's home that day then you don't have to use your lunch to pick your child up surely as your dh can do it? Or did I misunderstand?
Do you spend time together in the evening?

BigMamaFratelli · 24/09/2020 12:40

I agree, tell him you'll have lunch with him if he picks dd up from school?

Original poster
Belleoftheball88 · 24/09/2020 12:41

He is at home, but when on nights is usually back in bed by 3pm when I need to leave.

When he is not on nights we do spend time together in the evening, when on nights he usually stays in bed until he needs to get up before he goes to work

OP posts:
Invisimamma · 24/09/2020 12:42

I can see both points of view. It would be nice to take a break from work and have lunch with him for half an hour. Could you work til 5:30 a couple of times a week so you can have lunch together?

Can he do some school runs when his shift pattern allows to let you to catch up the work time?

I'm also working from home and have a shift worker dp, similar set up to you've described. Once a week I schedule a longer lunch break and we either get something nice in from the supermarket for us or we go out to eat. Yes I have to make the time up elsewhere in the week but it's so nice to have that 'date' time together without dc around.

GreenLeafTurnip · 24/09/2020 12:44

If you were at work you wouldn't be able to have lunch with him so what's the difference being at home?

Tell him to grow up.

Original poster
Belleoftheball88 · 24/09/2020 12:44

If i take a longer break to spend longer with DH and then say I have to work later, I then have DH moaning that I am working too late and not spending enough time with DD and him in the evening (if he is not in bed)

OP posts:
CausingChaos2 · 24/09/2020 12:46

@Belleoftheball88

He is at home, but when on nights is usually back in bed by 3pm when I need to leave.

When he is not on nights we do spend time together in the evening, when on nights he usually stays in bed until he needs to get up before he goes to work

So he spends all of his free time in bed when he’s working nights? Night shifts don’t absolve him of his responsibility to his child and running the house. Of course he should be doing the 3pm pick up.
littledrummergirl · 24/09/2020 12:46

When dh worked nights finishing at 6am he would go to bed and sleep until 2.30 when he would grab lunch and then collect dd from school. He would then be around until he left for work.
Surely if your dh did this you could eat lunch together when he wakes up and then he can collect your dc so you can work.

TokyoSushi · 24/09/2020 12:47

I agree, if you were physically at work in an office, he wouldn't be able to have lunch with you. He's being a pain!

AriettyHomily · 24/09/2020 12:47

He sounds like a baby. I generally eat my lunch at my desk, DH usually has his somewhere else. Never crossed my mind to ask him to have lunch 'with' me.

Darbs76 · 24/09/2020 12:47

I’d tell him to grow up too. Or stay up a bit longer to do the school run

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/09/2020 12:50

Urgh he sounds fun.

He should be doing the pick up when he is off. No great shakes him going to bed 3.30 instead of 3. I'd understand if he was in bed from lunchtime.

Similarly if he is off and up for the morning drop off then he does that and you log on earlier.

However...saying that....I'd do fuck all to accommodate his unreasomableness. He isn't UR to want to spend lunchtime with you but he is being beyond UR in making this an issue.

ACupOfTeaSolvesEverything · 24/09/2020 12:58

That’s like 12 hours of sleep! How much kip does he need???

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/09/2020 13:00

Well spotted. That's an insane amount if sleep.

He needs to pick a 9 hour window for sleep and be present the rest of the time.

TwilightSkies · 24/09/2020 13:01

Is he a bit controlling?

Itwasaquarterpast11 · 24/09/2020 13:02

He is being a whiny twat. YANBU.

BlueJava · 24/09/2020 13:05

Say to him "Sure I'll have lunch with you, can you pick DD up though?" perhaps that makes the point.

namechangeinamillion · 24/09/2020 13:06

Tell him you'll have lunch with him if he does the school run.

burritofan · 24/09/2020 13:11

when on nights he usually stays in bed until he needs to get up before he goes to work
How nice for him! Whereas before your work shift, you don’t lounge in bed, you get up with plenty of time to sort out your DD’s breakfast, clothes, school bag etc, and drop her at school.

He needs to do pick-up, when his shifts allow, or stop harping on about lunch.

Newkitchen123 · 24/09/2020 13:16

Not sure I could cope with that level of neediness

Ginkypig · 24/09/2020 13:17

Ffs why is it so difficult to understand you are at work! You are in your home but you are at work! Would he think it s ok to storm in to your office and insist that you eat lunch with him then take an extra break on top to go and pick up your (shared) child.

You don't get a real lunch break because you have had to give it up to use it to pick up your child.

If he wants to have lunch with you then he needs to facilitate you being able to take a break where you actually get to have a break which will mean he has to do pick up. if not then he needs to fuck off and let you be at work

CountessFrog · 24/09/2020 13:20

When I’m WFH, DH seems to think I can go on long dog walks for pub lunches.

And change the beds, clean the house, wall the dog and...everything else.

I don’t think people understand what the ‘W’ stands for.

IntermittentParps · 24/09/2020 13:22

Tell him to grow up.

Potterpotterpotter · 24/09/2020 13:26

He sounds like a right baby ass.

Derelictwreck · 24/09/2020 13:38

Hang on.

Why on earth are you having to ask for flexible working and not eat properly and get nagged by your DH, so he can go to bed for TWELVE hours?!