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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lunch whilst WFH

79 replies

Belleoftheball88 · 24/09/2020 12:35

Like many, I have been WFH since March, and this is looking to continue into the new year at least.

Personally this is good for me as we have DD(4) who has recently started school, so with me being at home this removes the need for any before and after school clubs. I work full time, standard office hours, although my work are flexible in that I don't have to be on by a certain time, I just have to do my work and do 8 hours. I have a team leader level role.

DH also works full time, however he works shifts, including earlies, lates & nights. He cannot work from home due to the nature of his job.

With agreement from work, I split my lunch across school drop off and pick up. This usually means i am online from about 9, take my lunch about 3 to cover pick up, and then log of about 5.

When DH is here, he is constantly asking me to have lunch with him. Generally I like to have lunch at my desk and work through so I can use my lunch to pick DD up. DH takes it personally when I don't sit and have lunch with him. I have tried explaining that my lunch is used for pick up (which he does come with me as well sometimes) but at all other times I need to work.

He has asked I take my laptop and sit with him, however my office is set up for me to work with multiple screens etc which are required for my role.

I'm not saying I have never sat with him for lunch, but usually when he wants me to sit down with him i'm caught up with something and can't take the time away at that moment.

His job is very different, where he has to sit around and wait for work to come in, where as mine is full on and I could work 24\7 and not make a dent in it.

Today has resulted in a massive row about how I don't want to spend any time with him which isn't the case, I am just busy and want to go and pick DD using my lunch break.

In contrast, as he is on nights this week, DH has been coming home at 6am and going to bed so I get DD up and ready and out for school. He then gets up for lunch about 12pm, stays up for a while, and then goes back to bed from 2pm ish until 8 when he has to get up for work, so he is not spending any time with me or DD in the evening either, although I appreciate he needs sleep before he gets into work.

OP posts:

HoboSexualOnslow · 24/09/2020 17:26

This doesn't make sense, why can't he pick his child up from school at 3pm? Then you could have a proper lunch break. I certainly wouldn't be putting up with his sleeping for 12 hours nonsense

ComicePear · 24/09/2020 17:49

So basically he has no respect for your work commitments but expects you to respect his? He sounds like a waste of space OP.

Yesterdayforgotten · 24/09/2020 17:55

Why is your dh sleeping 2 x 6 hour blocks meaning 12 hours of sleep? Why isn't he sleeping from 6am for an 8 hour block and getting up at 2pm then having lunch with you then he can do the school run can't he? Why does doing night shift absolve him of all childcare duties while you are doing both op? I think you need to sit your dh down and suggest these changes firmly.

Original poster

Belleoftheball88 · 24/09/2020 18:30

Dh is a terrible sleeper, doesn't matter if he is working days or nights. So he will be in bed that time but not always sleeping. But either way he is out of the picture for most of the day. I also have to work round him in relation to household tasks, so the couple of hours when he is up for lunch is the chance I have to put washing on or take stuff out to the bins as any other time risks waking him up if he is asleep

We often both go on pick up for dd. She spent a lot of time doing long hours in nursery before lockdown, so the ability to pick her up at usual school pick up time and not have her in after school up while I am wfh is one I am really enjoying at the moment. This is probably slightly selfish of me, but unless I have an urgent meeting scheduled at this time I will go and pick her up when I can. I also encourage dh to come when he is around as this is a nice time for us to spend some time together walking to and from the school.

OP posts:

allofthetings · 24/09/2020 18:33

Can you both go and collect your DD together as a compromise?
I'm guessing not as it sounds like you are there for his entertainment-and he's not that bothered about the practicalities of working and family life

Original poster

Belleoftheball88 · 24/09/2020 18:51

@allofthetings yes we do quite often both got and pick DD up, its a good 10 minute walk each way and we get some time together. But apparently thats not good enough and I should be sitting down with him working as well as doing that.

OP posts:

Arrivederla · 24/09/2020 18:55

Oh ffs. He is a selfish twat.

Brefugee · 24/09/2020 19:11

he's sleeping a lot. When i did nights i used to stay awake until about 10:30 then sleep until it was time to get up and go to work - so just like working days but at night.
Can your DH do that?

Havaiana · 24/09/2020 19:32

YANBU, sounds like he doesn't value your job.

Could you agree 1 day a week where you have lunch with him as long as hr drops off/picks up DD on his own?

minipie · 24/09/2020 19:43

It’s a shame he’s a terrible sleeper but most people who are terrible sleepers don’t have the option to spend an extra 4 hours in bed to try to sleep more. Especially if that means they are not seeing their child or wife, not doing any share of the housework and even stopping their wife doing any housework in case it wakes them!!

Dare I say that if he got less chance to sleep (like a normal 8 hours) and got more tired he might actually find it easier to sleep. Also... earplugs.

minipie · 24/09/2020 19:43

PS you sure he is actually trying to sleep that whole time and not on his phone...?

dollypartonscoat · 24/09/2020 19:58

You both go to pick her up? Seems bonkers to me.

Yesterdayforgotten · 24/09/2020 20:02

'It’s a shame he’s a terrible sleeper but most people who are terrible sleepers don’t have the option to spend an extra 4 hours in bed to try to sleep more. Especially if that means they are not seeing their child or wife, not doing any share of the housework and even stopping their wife doing any housework in case it wakes them'

Exactly this ^ and yes the 2 x 6 hours and so much time in bed will be adding to his sleep issue. One 8 hour block and a whole day awake will mean he is more tired for when he does to bed and I bet he sleeps alot better. He will also be worn out more from actually doing some childcare. Please don't make excuses for him op as he is being lazy and selfish.
Bottom line is your dh is spending more time in bed than he should be instead of helping. He is living like he has no children or outside work responsibilities.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2020 20:03

I've never worked night so please don't shoot me but he gets in at 6 and good to bed then gets up midday to eat and good back to bed at 2 till 8 so he's getting 11-12 hours sleep? It's that normal?

Or Could he not sleep a little later, get up for lunch at 1 , which you have with him, and then him get DD?

And why are you both going to pick her up if he's off when it's costing you an actual break? Not to mention 2 parents going pickup ATM is quite frowned upon

Yesterdayforgotten · 24/09/2020 20:04

Both parents picking up wouldn't be sensible with covid, I'm sure your dh wont need a handhold and is more than capable of going alone like you do...

SleepingStandingUp · 24/09/2020 20:06

so the couple of hours when he is up for lunch is the chance I have to put washing on or take stuff out to the bins as any other time risks waking him up if he is asleep either you need a new washing machine / door or he's being ridiculous or he needs to see someone about his sleeping. Opening and closing a door quietly / putting the washing machine on shouldn't be waking him

LoftyLucy · 24/09/2020 20:09

He sounds like he's using his shifts to opt out of any real responsibility/ parenting.

And sabotaging your work / putting completely unreasonable pressure on you emotionally.

It sounds awful.

In his head I bet he has a narrative which goes something like "my wife never prioritises me/us"...

Sounds exhausting.

LoftyLucy · 24/09/2020 20:13

I'm sitting here amazed at the tip toes used to protect his time /sleep.

I am a terrible sleeper (to the point I've been to the GP for bouts of insomnia when I felt unsafe to drive for days!!). I am also the main earner. But I do as much active parenting (and not just the Disney bits) as my lower earner DH, and there's no way your DH's expectations fit in with family life!

This is a ridiculous setup.

Hoppinggreen · 24/09/2020 20:44

He’s a bit fucking pointless really isn’t he?

Nanny0gg · 24/09/2020 23:13

So his good points are...?

katy1213 · 24/09/2020 23:26

He sounds a nightmare. And he's not pulling his weight.

lafillette · 24/09/2020 23:33

He needs to grow up. I have worked from home for many years now - pre children and all the way through to now when the kids are 18 and up. When they were young I did as you are doing and took my lunch hour and used it for the school runs. Now I can usually manage an hour for lunch if I want to take it but if I am particularly busy or have started late or want to finish early then I don’t, even though no-one at work would know. My husband has been working from home since the start of lockdown and occasionally we do get lunch or a short walk together but he knows now not to ask again if I say I can’t - he did used to say things like ‘oh surely you can finish now’ if he had finished early for some reason, but he got short shrift from me and doesn’t do that now. I could spend a day in bed if I wanted and my boss would never know but I simply would never do that as I appreciate the flexibility and the trust my employer puts on me to do the job without being supervised. If my husband kept asking me to take additional time away from work that would really hack me off.

Original poster

Belleoftheball88 · 25/09/2020 09:27

I think part of the problem is DH is thinking that me being at home means I get to sit around and not do anything (he already thinks that desk jobs mean sitting doing nothing all day - had several arguments about this before) but to me all that has happened is I have relocated at home, the workload has remained the same if not more.

We probably both don't need to do pick up, and a few times I have been caught up so if DH is around I have left him to it, but he again tries to get both of us to go so that we get to spend some time together.

OP posts:

lafillette · 25/09/2020 10:09

This. You are 100% right here and he needs to understand thatl.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 25/09/2020 10:20

Honestly he comes across as unbelievably needy and whiny.

Firstly why does he not put the washing on or empty the bins during his time when he is up for lunch ? Secondly the whole forced time together would really irritate me (although I grant you I have very little patience for needy people).

I think there needs to be a harder line here , it's not okay for him to denigrate your work as easier for being office work , he is beljng totally self involved , why do his opinions run the show?

I admit I am lucky, in our house we have both during lockdown swooped places back and forth with one being in work and one not but the role for either is if you are working, even in the same room you are working and it is the same as if you were not there and work comes first (other than childcare). I would be clear with him that he is expecting the whole house to work around his needs and that needs to stop

(By the way the guilttrip about not spending enough time with dd in the evening is a truly crappy thing to do) I think you need to take back some boundaries.

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