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Original poster

Lunch whilst WFH

79 replies

Belleoftheball88 · 24/09/2020 12:35

Like many, I have been WFH since March, and this is looking to continue into the new year at least.

Personally this is good for me as we have DD(4) who has recently started school, so with me being at home this removes the need for any before and after school clubs. I work full time, standard office hours, although my work are flexible in that I don't have to be on by a certain time, I just have to do my work and do 8 hours. I have a team leader level role.

DH also works full time, however he works shifts, including earlies, lates & nights. He cannot work from home due to the nature of his job.

With agreement from work, I split my lunch across school drop off and pick up. This usually means i am online from about 9, take my lunch about 3 to cover pick up, and then log of about 5.

When DH is here, he is constantly asking me to have lunch with him. Generally I like to have lunch at my desk and work through so I can use my lunch to pick DD up. DH takes it personally when I don't sit and have lunch with him. I have tried explaining that my lunch is used for pick up (which he does come with me as well sometimes) but at all other times I need to work.

He has asked I take my laptop and sit with him, however my office is set up for me to work with multiple screens etc which are required for my role.

I'm not saying I have never sat with him for lunch, but usually when he wants me to sit down with him i'm caught up with something and can't take the time away at that moment.

His job is very different, where he has to sit around and wait for work to come in, where as mine is full on and I could work 24\7 and not make a dent in it.

Today has resulted in a massive row about how I don't want to spend any time with him which isn't the case, I am just busy and want to go and pick DD using my lunch break.

In contrast, as he is on nights this week, DH has been coming home at 6am and going to bed so I get DD up and ready and out for school. He then gets up for lunch about 12pm, stays up for a while, and then goes back to bed from 2pm ish until 8 when he has to get up for work, so he is not spending any time with me or DD in the evening either, although I appreciate he needs sleep before he gets into work.

OP posts:
WaterAndTheWild · 24/09/2020 13:40

Could you do it once a week? Friday? It seems a shame not to make the most of being at home together

Howmanysleepsnow · 24/09/2020 13:40

When I work nights I get home at 8, get the dc ready, take them to school, come home, walk the dog, sleep 10-2.45, get up, pick up dc, make lunches for the next day, cook dinner, walk the dog, get ready for work, put the dc to bed and leave for work at 19.40.

And I’m someone who would naturally sleep 9 hours a night pre dc. It seems ridiculous he can’t fit in a drop off or pick up if he wants you to eat lunch together. 12 hours sleep vs my 4.5 is excessive! And he can’t complain you aren’t spending enough time with DD if you work late: he doesn’t seem to see her at all when he’s in work.

Florencex · 24/09/2020 13:47

I think he should look at his routine if he wants more time together. I don’t see why he can’t slightly change his timing so that he can do the school run if he is at home, then you can stop for lunch. He is spending twelve hours in bed when he is on nights and why does he split it up into two lots of sleep broken up by lunch? That is like me getting up at 2am for a meal and then going back to bed at 4am.

I am not in work at the moment and DH is WFH. I know I wouldn’t have lunch with him if he was going to the office, but he isn’t going to the office, he is at home so I like to have lunch together. I fit in with his timing and if he is busy he sometimes works through.

snappycamper · 24/09/2020 13:50

Tell him to grow up.

This. And while you're at it, tell him he should be doing his fair share of the school runs.

CastleCrasher · 24/09/2020 13:53

Sleeping for twelve hours is ridiculous, especially when he's expecting you to do all the work to accommodate it and then still moans about you not having time to spend with him.

DonLewis · 24/09/2020 13:55

What, is he stupid? Can he not see what's going the fuck on? Ask him what his solution would be that allows you to: have lunch with him, pick up and drop off DD and finish work at a normal time.

LindaEllen · 24/09/2020 13:59

Oh my god, I've had to put up with rubbish like this since I started working from home 8 years ago.

My parents wanting me to go out for lunch (which would be two hours at least), getting annoyed when I won't, insisting I 'need a break'. My dad dropping round at any point in the day 'for a brew' and getting shitty with me if I carried on working while talking to him. My stepson asking me to take him to a friend's house, or shopping, or something.

They don't realise that working from home should be no different to being in an office - you're not available until the end of the working day, just like if you were in your office. They need to understand that you're trying to make the best of things, and that it's quite difficult, and that you need their support rather than their distraction!

Kanaloa · 24/09/2020 14:02

If you’re half-forced into sitting and having lunch with him so he doesn’t sulk, neither of you will enjoy it. If he feels you aren’t spending much time as a couple, he needs to bring this up at an appropriate time then both of you can look at your schedules and find a good time to be together. Demanding you spend time together at a time that doesn’t work for you doesn’t sound like it would be quality time.

FinallyHere · 24/09/2020 15:14

DH takes it personally when I don't sit and have lunch

Get him to pick up DD, so you can have lunch together

Tarantallegra · 24/09/2020 15:19

I have tried explaining that my lunch is used for pick up (which he does come with me as well sometimes)

I realise there are other issues here but surely if he comes with you for pick up sometimes why do you need to be there? Let him do it alone and then you can use your lunch break for lunch.

missbipolar · 24/09/2020 15:23

He's home in time for drop off and can be up for pick up. He should be doing both when he's on nights

ilovebedtimestories · 24/09/2020 15:29

He’s being ridiculous OP!!

We make sacrifices to work our work around school hours and this is yours. Tell him to grow up.

Home42 · 24/09/2020 15:30

I wfh full time and I rarely have a lunch break at normal time... I’m busy!! If I get 10 minutes I’m lucky. It would drive me nuts being asked to stop at 12 daily!!

Nanny0gg · 24/09/2020 15:32

@GreenLeafTurnip

If you were at work you wouldn't be able to have lunch with him so what's the difference being at home?

Tell him to grow up.

Exactly this!

Where do all these overgrown children come from?

Nanny0gg · 24/09/2020 15:35

@WaterAndTheWild

Could you do it once a week? Friday? It seems a shame not to make the most of being at home together
She's not 'at home', she's AT WORK! Its just that the office has relocated!
Nanny0gg · 24/09/2020 15:37

@Belleoftheball88

He is at home, but when on nights is usually back in bed by 3pm when I need to leave.

When he is not on nights we do spend time together in the evening, when on nights he usually stays in bed until he needs to get up before he goes to work

While you do housework, childcare, laundry, shopping, cooking etc. Yes? As well as work.
Fatted · 24/09/2020 15:40

Start waking him up at 6pm demanding he has tea with you or demanding he stays up to have breakfast with you and DC. It goes both ways, if he wants to spend time with you, HE can make the compromise. You wouldn't be spending this time together if you were in the office.

I get so annoyed with people assuming that people WFH are accessible whilst at home.

heymacaroner · 24/09/2020 16:06

I recently had a family member throw a full blown tantrum about not being able to organise a zoom call in the middle of my working day. I don't understand this, work is work, I wouldn't take a zoom call if I was in the office why should home be any different? I'd tell your DH the same

user1493494961 · 24/09/2020 16:06

Tell him you're not joined at the hip.

Original poster
Belleoftheball88 · 24/09/2020 16:21

Thank you for all the replies.

Haven't got any further today, am still being moaned at for being too dedicated to my job and not spending enough time with him. Was implied that I need to be more dedicated to him when he is at home on nights etc.

Today I have done drop off and pick up, took 20 minutes out across the day to put on 2 loads of washing, sort the bins out and later will be putting all the washing away and general tidying up.

DH has gone back to bed, where he will probably stay until 8pm when he gets up and gets ready for work to leave at 9pm

OP posts:
burritofan · 24/09/2020 16:33

I would go and dedicate yourself to opening the curtains in the bedroom, yanking off the duvet, turning on the big light and yelling “Get up and do your fair share, tosspot!” Please note I am not a relationship counsellor.

Sexnotgender · 24/09/2020 16:40

So he compromises on nothing? Do as he says or he gets all huffy? That’s super attractive...

Skybooks · 24/09/2020 16:46

When does he spend time with your dd?

BashfulClam · 24/09/2020 17:12

No no no you tell him how it’s going to be. He pitched in and helps or he moves the fuck out. He’s an adult, part of the household and a parent so he really better start doing what comes with those things! When he leaves for work tell him to take the bins out in his way. I just folded the washing and handed DH his stuff, I’m not his mum he can hang his own stuff up.

minipie · 24/09/2020 17:19

He’s having a very odd and very generous sleep pattern. Most people sleep one lot of 8 hours, he’s having 2 lots of 6 hours!

If he goes to bed at 6am, he should sleep for 8 ish hours and get up at 2pm. Then be awake until he gets back the next day at 6am.

Or he should stay up till 11 ish, sleep for 8 hours, go to work for 8pm and stay up till 11am the next day.

Either of these would allow him to do one school run, so you’d be able to take 15 minutes to be with him —or just catch a break yourself which is what I’d choose in your shoes—