To ask if any of you have quit work to be a SAHM?

[WestTen]

Seriously considering this as I have a young DS. Being at home with him during lockdown made me realise how much I would love being a SAHM.

If any of you have done this, did you live solely off one wage or did you claim too? I'd love for this to work for me but I'm just weighing up the options at the moment.

I always see people saying it didn't make sense financially for them to return after mat leave etc, but how does it? When I've done benefits calculators we would actually be worse off. DP only earns £1200 after tax..

I worked while ds1 was little. We could afford great holidays, I booked lots of trips etc but I desperately wanted to just go to the park, feed the ducks and go home and play with him. I've been a sahm since ds2 was born 2 years ago. I truly love it. We don't have much money, we have just enough money, but as cheesy as it sounds, we have time.

I stopped after my third child and how I feel about it is changing now that I've gone back to work in the last four months.
I feel more alive than I have in a long time. I knew I was struggling with having lost my sense of self but I now know how much of me was lost. We are all different and we all make the decisions we think are best at a point in time but:

• consider scaling back / part-time / using parental leave instead of fully giving up
• secure your own financial position in the event of giving up your income. Pension, access to all finances, savings and make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to budget, spending and plans for the future. Despite my DH earning very well I was never comfortable spending on myself the way I had when it was my income. I felt no control of big decisions.
• look at what you enjoy and where you draw your energy from. For me, a large part of my energy has always come from work and when I made the decision to leave it was because I was burnt out as I was juggling two pre-school children with another on the way and my DHs career was shooting up the ladder. I think if I'd had more childcare and home support organised properly then I could have managed through the early months.

The time I spent with my children has been wonderful - I took just over 4 years out - but I think they have known a more shouty and cross mummy for the last year because I was in need of returning to work.

Also I think my DH and I are on a more even footing at home again now too. I was the higher earner in the house until we had children. Now I will earn 10% of his salary but it makes me feel like I'm contributing and I think he feels slightly less pressure in terms of the weight of our financial obligations as I could scale up significantly more now that i am back in the workforce.

You are not who benefits are for

I went PT after DC1 then became a SAHM after DC3. On the whole, it works really well for our family.

However, I wouldn’t become a SAHM in your position OP. Your DPs income is too low and it would be financially precarious relying on that alone. Not to mention the fact that you don’t have the security of being married.

I only felt comfortable becoming a SAaHM because it was something that DH and I had been planning for many years. We had DCs fairly late in life and I worked multiple jobs at a time before DC1 to get our finances in a great situation first. I actually went into labour With DC1 while working one of my side jobs, Even if I never work another day I have fairly decent pension provision guaranteed, whereas many women who become SAHM don’t even consider their pensions.

DH earns very well, working ridiculously long hours (Including often abroad) and as well as looking after the DCs and home I manage all the finances: both budgeting and investing. DH knows that I invest equally in both our names. If in worst case scenario we split up, I know that we have adequate funds for us both to buy a (smaller) home outright, as well as decent savings.

If I Wasn’t in a financially secure position, I wouldn’t have felt safe becoming a SAHM.

I have never had the option to be a sahm so can’t speak from direct experience.

But I don’t recommend it. You are making yourself very vulnerable and reliant on your DP. You’re not married either by the sounds of it so very little protection in the event of a split

It’s very difficult to get back in after time off. Keep a toe in the water but don’t quit altogether.

I had 6 years as a SAHM. Best years of my life! Never been so in control of my own destiny. I had two young children so didn't feel bad about it. I went back to work when they started school.

I was a SAHM for five years. We had low expenses and DH made enough to cover our needs. The time with my DC was priceless. I went back part time for a few years, then full time without a problem.

OP, you are not married to your dp.

Game over.

For me I would be "better off" financially if I worked still, but dividing the amount of salary left over after childcare costs would mean I'd be away from my DS all day every day for something like two pounds an hour (can't remember actual figure now)

I think that's what most people would mean when they talk about not being better off.

You're a fool if you work for a company when you can find a way not to.
Imagine: No alarm clocks, no schedules, no performance reviews, no one to answer to, no KPI's, no complaints, no demands, no targets, no boss, no one telling you what to do, no mandatory training courses. What's not to like?

Employment is for braindead serfs who know nothing else. If you need money, WORK FOR YOURSELF!

Hahahaha. Seems like the parents of critically ill kids turning up to my employer don’t have a problem with a brain dead serf like me saving their kid’s life.

Crazy for me to be doing that when I could be enjoying the meaningful work of running a Tupperware empire.....

I wouldn’t unless married and financially more stable OP. I definitely wouldn’t if the only way to finance it was through benefits - one of my jobs as a parent is to provide financially for my kid.

@trixiebelden77

Hahahaha. Seems like the parents of critically ill kids turning up to my employer don’t have a problem with a brain dead serf like me saving their kid’s life.

Crazy for me to be doing that when I could be enjoying the meaningful work of running a Tupperware empire.....

I wouldn’t unless married and financially more stable OP. I definitely wouldn’t if the only way to finance it was through benefits - one of my jobs as a parent is to provide financially for my kid.

It's truly a pity that you're not sharp enough to plough your own furrow (get the serf reference?) You have to do the work that someone else doles out to you, at their choosing, at their time, to their standards. If you had a little bit more about you, you could still help critically ill kids, and no doubt to a higher standard to that prescribed by your bureaucracy.

My kids are teens now, I've done FT with loads of travel, FT WFH, PT and SAHP in various combinations over the years.

Honestly it was much easier working when they were little, and childcare can help out. I've found they needed 'me' much more as they got older not for childcare, but to off load at the end of the day, talk through school projects, etc.

So I urge you to think long term not just wanting to be home with little kids but what you want your work/life to look like as they are older.

And one last think regarding Retraining - it always sounds like a good idea, but as what? And don't underestimate how consuming retraining can be - many courses esp part time ones are evenings and weekends exactly the time you want to be around for your kids.

Darkmutterings it is so true that children need you more when they are older. When they are young, their basic needs can be met by almost any carer. But only a parent will do when they are older. My teenagers need me around for exams, friendship issues, sixth form, university applications - all big life decisions that a nanny cannot do.

I have kept my foot on the career pedal, working pt when they were little. I now have seniority and autonomy in how I do my job and have a team to help. I also work from home as my job is skilled, having built up experience over the years. It can be done remotely.

To those who think they will miss precious moments, wait till your dcs come up to teenage years and you see them slipping through your fingers about to leave home. That is when you really crave the flexibility to see them more and spend time with them, whilst earning a high amount because teenagers are expensive, they value money and money makes a big difference to their choices.

Hence, don't give it up now. You are shortchanging yourself and dcs for when it really becomes important later.

I chose to be a SAHM for 3 years. Kindergarden was mandatory from 5, and I planned on staying home until then. But life happened, we needed money and benefits wouldn't have cut it. Best decision of my life. Money was tight on one salary, which was not fun.

Was a SAHM for more 2 years recently as pick-up/dropoff + my flare up of a medical condition + 2 ft contracts for my husband made it impossible for me to be ft employed. Again, the best decision.

@WetdreamBeliever

You're a fool if you work for a company when you can find a way not to. Imagine: No alarm clocks, no schedules, no performance reviews, no one to answer to, no KPI's, no complaints, no demands, no targets, no boss, no one telling you what to do, no mandatory training courses. What's not to like?

Employment is for braindead serfs who know nothing else. If you need money, WORK FOR YOURSELF!

You're one of those mlm facebook huns arent you?

We could live comfortably on either of our incomes, so i stayed home for a few years and just consulted from time to time to keep up my networking. I don’t regret doing that, but we had a comfortable cushion and I knew I could jump back to a good salary very quickly if needed. I went back part-time when dd started school.

Regardless of who is earning, we consider all income family income.

Hi! This is an amazing post And it’s so refreshing to hear someone talking honestly about having a child an the pressure that gets imposed on you!
I gave up my job before I had my daughter, my husband owns his own business, so we didn’t need my wage, and although love her so much. I Completely lost a part of myself when I stopped working- it was something I wasn’t prepared for, the lack of social interaction and missing out on the office banter. It’s nearly 5 years down the line now and I wouldn’t give up my time with my daughter for anything - and anyone who says looking after a child 24/7 isn’t hard work needs a good talking too!!
So we’ll done all you SAHM’. I’ve found this job harder, not to mention more emotionally draining the any office job I’ve ever had

am thinking of perhaps reducing my hours instead of quitting completely, then at least I could still have some sort of financial independence should it all go wrong

This would be wise, especially as you aren't married. I wouldn't want to rely on benefits unless I absolutely had to, or leave a job intentionally during the start of a recession. Why not try and go back a few days a week maybe and see how it goes, you could still be eligible for top up UC maybe, although not sure. Don't become fully financially dependent on a man and the state.

*WetdreamBeliever

You're a fool if you work for a company when you can find a way not to.
Imagine: No alarm clocks, no schedules, no performance reviews, no one to answer to, no KPI's, no complaints, no demands, no targets, no boss, no one telling you what to do, no mandatory training courses. What's not to like?

Employment is for braindead serfs who know nothing else. If you need money, WORK FOR YOURSELF!*

I have to agree, although would not have worded this sentiment so strongly.
I have been out of the workplace for many years and have no intention of ever going back- for all these reasons, and more. Although I would have to say that working for yourself is not without hoops to jump through.
We may have no boss, no reviews etc, but we still have to meet deadlines, meet client or customer expectations, fulfill or post orders, keep accounts for tax purposes etc.
However for me the biggest benefit is flexibility. I can work as many or as few hours as I like, I can have a day or a month off whenever I choose, I can decide to stop work at lunch time if I am not feeling ike it and go out instead.
It was fantastic when the kids were at school, fitted around school holidays and if they were ill, I could always be there for sports days and assemblies. Childcare was never a problem.
Even today I have slept later than intended, but that's OK, I still have time for a leisurly shower and a yoga session before work. No boss telling me I am late for work.

You have to do the work that someone else doles out to you, at their choosing, at their time, to their standards. If you had a little bit more about you, you could still help critically ill kids, and no doubt to a higher standard to that prescribed by your bureaucracy.
And where exactly would society be if all the midwives were self employed - so the poor would have to do without? And the alNOCU nurses were what, running NICU from their living room to the highest bidder? And what about the surgeon who saved my son's life? The nurses who kept him alive in a daily basis? The therapists who supported his development? The nurses who came to our home every few days? Or do we only want the rush to survive because health care is not only privitised but run from people's living room?

Employment is for braindead serfs who know nothing else. If you need money, WORK FOR YOURSELF!

I have to agree, although would not have worded this sentiment so strongly.

That's an awesome perspective on surgeons, consultants, nurses, teachers, lecturers etc. I assume if you need anything medical you do it yourself or go to someone who's running their own surgeons business from the kitchen? Wouldn't want the brainless serfs weipdong their saws and knives over you

You're a fool if you work for a company when you can find a way not to. Imagine: No alarm clocks, no schedules, no performance reviews, no one to answer to, no KPI's, no complaints, no demands, no targets, no boss, no one telling you what to do, no mandatory training courses. What's not to like?
Holiday pay, sick pay, pension contributions, to name but a few.

Employment is for braindead serfs who know nothing else. If you need money, WORK FOR YOURSELF!

I’m betting you’re an influencer. Either way, you sound like a knob that no one wants to work with anyway so sounds like you made a great choice for yourself and everyone else .

I did. I was single at the time so was on Income Support. Now my current partner earns £17k, which is about the same as your partner. We manage fine; it's about priorities.

My daughter is home educated, we eat all organic food, and save £100 per month.