To ask if any of you have quit work to be a SAHM?

[WestTen]

Seriously considering this as I have a young DS. Being at home with him during lockdown made me realise how much I would love being a SAHM.

If any of you have done this, did you live solely off one wage or did you claim too? I'd love for this to work for me but I'm just weighing up the options at the moment.

I always see people saying it didn't make sense financially for them to return after mat leave etc, but how does it? When I've done benefits calculators we would actually be worse off. DP only earns £1200 after tax..

I did- we were pretty skint, but I have no regrets.
My kids are adults now, and those years were precious.

I was made redundant after DS2 but worked p/t evenings and weekends on almost min wage until DD1. I didn't go back after my maternity leave ended. We've avoided childcare costs, and my husband earns enough that we don't need to worry too much. I do kind of look forward to doing something again in the future but can't imagine ever working f/t again

Warning, Im going to answer your question very honestly and it only reflects my experience, no one else.

I did leave my job and I loved it, it worked for us until both kids reception (so maybe six years in total). I loved being able to do what I wanted to do whenever and not have to answer to anyone. My kids loved having me around as did DH. But during that time although I loved being with the kids and wouldn’t change it entirely, i felt my identity morphing into simply being eg “jack’s mum” Mr Gate’s wife, everyone’s cook, cleaner, PA, taxi, gardener, the lot.

Whilst I made (and kept) some great Sahm friends, I often found that as a group despite everyone being fun, intelligent, interesting (especially when we were one on one), as a group (which we often were) the chat would would always revert back to talk about schools, housework, fancy dress costumes, mundane stuff. Beyond that the most exciting talk was decorating, house prices, renovating, building an extension, the gym. All very interesting the first time round but I felt I was really losing myself and my sense of purpose.

On top of that, the more I did at home the less everyone did for themselves, and I became resentful of the feeling that my job was really to enable everyone else’s life.

So for me I couldn’t continue any longer and I refrained and went back to work. I don’t want to say what, but it was NOT an easy process and I’m eagling about 25% if what I would have been had I stayed.

My advice would be just don’t close any doors, it’s almost impossible to open them again later no matter what people say, and it’s even harder to think of something new you want to do that isn’t then all consuming the other way (too much time away from home). If you want flexibility, the best way to achieve it is in a place where people know you already. Otherwise it’s very hard for them to trust and get to know you in order to make flexibility work for everyone.

It’s a precious time and time out you won’t regret, but I’d say to base how you do it on what you might want in five years time, not simply now.

Sorry for the long post!

Thank you @ConiferGate, I really appreciate your honesty.

My childcare costs and essential direct debits are going to be more than my take home salary. I'm contemplating not returning to work for this reason alone (or finding part time with so baby can attest socialise a day or two a week!)

We're not entitled to any benefits due to DH salary but we also have a large mortgage so we don't have as much spare cash as you'd think.

I wouldn't consider it unless you're married; you're giving up your financial security otherwise (and even if married it's not straightforward if you split).

I stopped work very briefly after Ds2 (think 9m) and magically found a PT job where I only have to do 3 hours a week. I'm a teacher and it's intervention work. I could work ft if I wanted but essentially I can pick and choose my hours and get all school holidays off which is when I don't have childcare.

When we would've been paying for 2 lots of childcare - DH is a higher rate tax payer so no free childcare until 3yrs - it was borderline whether we'd see any short term financial benefit from me working (even as an experienced teacher).

Now we only pay for 1 child we're definitely quids in from me working pt - fits within school hours.

I'm now pregnant with dc3 and wondering whether it's worth continuing trying to work. We live rurally and childcare is limited. I'd need to do at least 2 drop offs and pickups in different places around my working day. If any of the kids was ill I'd be the one taking time off, I do the majority of the housework etc.

We're really lucky that the money I earn is not essential for living costs. However we will struggle to fund an annual holiday (to France because I have family there so it also doesn't really feel optional) and/or a bigger (second hand) car without my wages so we're still undecided.

I guess it really depends on what standard of living you want - and want for your child. We've lived on £1200 a month; it wasn't great at the time and I'd hate to go back to it with children.

I did it I have two DC and I absolutely love it.
We have loads more family time eat all our meals together. Yes we are harder up but it's worth it.
Children are our most precious gift and I wanted to be there for every moment of their childhood.
I do miss work I miss being me but it's not forever and I won't ever get the time back.

I am a SAHP simply because the cost of childcare and commuting was more than my wage. And while ill never regret the time I've had a home with my kids when they're so young, I can't wait to get back to work. The days are long and hard, thankless and underapprexisted, and there is a fair bit of judgement that you don't work when in reality I've found being at home a lot more relentless and harder work than working full time ever was. Plus factor in you've a lot less adult conversations, no days off, no breaks, no peeing alone and one day just merges into the next. I've 3 DC, and I have worked full time while DH worked full time, full time while dh was the sahp, part time while dh was full time, and now I'm the sahp while dh is full time. By far the easiest was working full time with dh as the sahp, and the hardest is being the sahp with dh working full time. Although I do find it easier because dh knows how hard it is as he did it himself. I've found a lot of people (particularly a certain group of posters on mn) judge sahp quite harshly so be prepared for that.

I'd do part time if my partner also did part time. But it is a dealbreaker for dp and I to take equal financial/career risks. Just read the relationships board for how many women are in a terrible position because they put their partners career over theirs.

I am just about to go back after 18 months off but DH earns enough that I don’t HAVE to go back (we will obviously have more money if I do and I would prefer to be financially independent).

I personally wouldn’t do it with 1 child and needing to claim benefits though. Do you have no career / work aspirations?

We all have different stories.
I jacked in my career to become a SAHM.
We were short of cash as the kids were growing so I started to dabble in ways of making money at home.
I never did get back into the job market, but I now earn triple what I probably would have been earning if I had stayed on track- I still work at home.
If I had not jumped ship I would not be in the great position I am now.
OH has worked continuously for the past 20 years since we had our kids.
I now earn twice what he does- without having a "proper " job.

Cross posted. I agree with everything @conifergate said and she's described it all much better than I could. Everything she said definitely hits home with how I'm finding it.

For background, I currently work in finance. I don't know how difficult it would be to return to work in the future. However, I do have quite a few qualifications so I think that would help me.

I am thinking of perhaps reducing my hours instead of quitting completely, then at least I could still have some sort of financial independence should it all go wrong

@speakout If it doesn't out you too much, can I ask you what you do now?

I was a SAHM but I totally relied on my husband.
You'll need to question that.

I was an enforced SAHM from March to July having been made redundant. Obviously lockdown until June didn't help but I hated it. I had nothing to add to conversations, I was exhausted, and DS got cranky with me because he's like the Energizer bunny crossed with Tigger and, as a 36 year old introvert, I am not. I claimed my notice pay and 2 weeks later took a paycut to start a part time admin job. I am so much better as a mum on the 4.5 days a week we spend together and DS loves all the activities at nursery, forest school, etc.

Honestly enjoying myself on maternity leave cost money. Petrol, coffee and cake out, national trust membership, supermarket trips to try new recipes, bringing dessert if I went for lunch to a friend's house. I wouldn't want to try and entertain my toddler 7 days a week, knowing we only had £1200 coming in.

@WestTen

1. Reducing is an excellent idea, it doesn’t stop you leaving if that’s still what you want. Gives you a good chance to think about it.

1. If you work in finance and have a lot of qualifications, you’re probably not the sort of person who is going to find it easy being at home long-term without the same sort of stimulation around you. Quite honestly, I know this sounds awful, your life pre-sahp life is quickly forgotten and your common interests with people are much more defined by what the kids have in common. And yes, as pp said, people do judge you. Having been in both sides though, I honestly think they’re scanning to decide whether you’re going to talk about something interesting or not!!

1. It really really is but that easy to go back to work, regardless of qualifications, but it’s good that you have some assurance that there would be good options

Argh typos everywhere! *not that easy, not BUT that easy

@ConiferGate You've been so helpful, I will take everything you've said into consideration before I make any decisions

I wouldn’t suggest you choose to give up your job if it means you have to get by on benefits. The tax payer shouldn’t have to fund your lifestyle choices.

I also wouldn’t advise it as you are not married. You will become very financially vulnerable.

Finally, your DP really, really needs to be earning far more than £1,200 a month. Surely that just covers rent and some bills? How would you get by? Claim benefits. Again, why should the tax payer fund your lifestyle choices?

My husband for example, earns about 4 x what your DP earns and I still work (very) part time to cover my personal expenses. I never buy new clothes or anything extravagant. It’s essentials.

You’ll really struggle.

I had to quit my job because nursery fees for 2 children were more than what I was earning as a full time teacher. So I didn’t become a SAHM by choice, but I’m 2 years in and I love it.

I truly couldn’t not work. I couldn’t not have my own money. I’ve just had my baby and I’m already working a bit from home while he sleeps. I just like feeling like I’m contributing to the world. But motherhood is wonderful but it’s not my main life’s focus, it’s just a rather lovely string to my bow.

I did, OP. And I don't regret it a bit.

I became a SAHM when DD was about 18 months; she was very unhappy at nursery even after 6 months.

At the time, I was the higher earner too. However, DH was earning a good salary and was progressing in his career. We're married, all money was already joint and both of us agreed with the decision.

Money was tight for a while and we could only afford to camp when other people went abroad. We went on day trips but to cheap or free places and took a packed lunch; no takeaways or eating out. No Alton towers etc.

But on the other hand I was there to drop off and pick up from school; we had lots of play dates; I was able to help out at school and be there for assemblies, sports days and school plays. I made a great group of friends.

DC would occasionally grumble about us not being able to afford some 'stuff' but always said that they'd rather have me there for them than at work earning - and them at after school club. Now that they're 17 and 20 they are still glad that we made that choice.

I had to quit for medical reasons (poorly DS) and now have baby twins, returning to work is still a way off. We do receive tax credits but that's what they're there for. It's obviously less then when I went to work, but I suppose if I calculated childcare, travel etc yeah, I don't know how that would fall really.

I think for you you need to consider-
Ethically are you comfortable being on benefits because you've decided you don't want to work any more?

Are you happy to be the default does everything at home person?
Is your DP happy to be the default pay for everything person? What if after a great he said ok my turn, you written whilst I have the kid?
You don't say how old DS is, are they in nursery or school yet? How will you feel once they are and you've quit work to be with them and now they're away?
Can you cut and condense hours to get a better balance?