Asking STBXH to do this pick-up every week?

[Pelagi]

So I’m genuinely wondering whether I am being unreasonable. I’ll explain but I’m also trying not to make this too long!

STBXH and I have 3 DC. Two of them do a sporting activity once a week and need to be picked up and brought back to my house. I asked him if he’d do this every week rather than us alternating it every other week.

I’d suggested it on the basis that he’d said he wanted to take a greater part in looking after them.

The balance of us looking after them is like this:

Every other weekend at our respective homes. DC1 and DC2 stay at mine every school night, DC3 stays at his 2 school nights out of 5. This is basically what they’ve chosen, works best for them as regards school.

Dinner made by paid child care person 2 days, 1 day by me, 1 day by him, then we alternate weeks for the 5th day.

I work 4 days a week and cover all expenses for the DCs including paid childcare, school uniform, clubs, clothes etc. STBXH covers costs (food, obviously, fun activities) when they are with him but doesn’t contribute financially otherwise. He says he can’t afford it.

So basically I feel that I have more burden of the “drudge work” just associated with having the DCs those extra days - they are lovely of course but they still need chivvying to get ready, refereeing arguments etc, and I have more of that. I also do most of the kidmin - not least because it’s me paying for it all. And I’m working pretty hard to pay for the stuff too.

Therefore I thought it would be fair for him to take on that pick-up every week as it would balance things up a bit. (Paid child care person drops them off so we don’t need to do that).

But he seems outraged almost. He said:

“No. That’s not the sort of thing that is beneficial to anyone. I need more quality time with the [DCs], not a few snatched minutes in the car when they are generally tired and uncommunicative. Those journeys don’t count.”

I feel (a) it all counts and (b) it’s not just about what he needs. But I’d appreciate opinions.

PS please don’t be too mean

If he doesn't want to do it then it is a non-starter.

Well yes, I can’t make him do it of course, but I wondered whether it was reasonable/fair to ask.

What alternative does he propose?

He’d be doing you a favour, not the kids. He doesn’t want to.

And “kidmin”?

Go through the CMS for child support.

I guess he wants us to alternate weeks.

Kidmin is a word isn’t it? All the admin associated with the children.
Sadly the CMS won’t help me because he has a ton of capital but not much income.

Parenting isn't mean to be a cherry picking exercise. YANBU to ask at all.

However YABU for saying "kidmin" - that literally made me recoil

You weren’t being unreasonable to ask him to facilitate his children and a club. But I’m sure it’s no surprise to you that he he won’t do it.

I’m not sure if I got the situation correctly but I would say that on the days the kids are with you, you are the one responsible for pickups and drop offs to activities.

Some parents choose to help out with lift to activities on the days the kids are not with them but this is a bonus, not something you can expect as a given at all.

It was fine for you to ask, but also understandable that he’d say no so I’d just accept it and come up with something else.

Ok major apologies for “kidmin”
I have learned a lesson there.

I don't think you were totally unreasonable to ask, but he's not unreasonable to say no. Why can't he take all the children one or two nights during the week?
No, kidmin isn't a word. Family admin was bad enough.

I guess I wasn’t expecting it as a given, it just feels as though I’m doing way more of the non-quality stuff. Sigh.

He doesn’t have them all overnight in the week because the older DCs want to stay in one place for the whole week as it works better for them having all their stuff in one place when school is on. I do understand that, to be honest. I wouldn’t like to be moving from place to place during my working week (actually I used to have to do it and it was exhausting).

If these are days when he has them , then yes he has to do them. If not then no.
Simple really. It sounds quite a good set up!
I have my own dc with me full time (no bio dad involved) and my 4 SC full time , mum of sc sees them EOW that's it! No financial help as she on benefits and sees them 1 night a week ?! Well actually its 2 a fortnight but hey ho.

I enjoyed kidmin. Like wifework but can be done by either parent for the children.
Yanbu.

Why don't you offer him more quality time? If its your time then you ade responsibke. If its his time he is responsible

@Love51

I enjoyed kidmin. Like wifework but can be done by either parent for the children. Yanbu.

the fact that you think wifework is a thing is very sad to me. No such thing as wife work

I think you aren't unreasonable to ask but clearly he might not do it. I would just point out that you've taken on the larger share of duties for the dcs and it's fair for him to take this on or pay for a taxi for this activity

Good luck

@Leaannb

Why don't you offer him more quality time? If its your time then you ade responsibke. If its his time he is responsible

There isn’t really any more “quality time” to offer. The older DCs don’t want to stay at his on the evenings during the week (they go for dinner though on 1/2 days depending on the week) and we already do half the weekends and half the holidays.

You’re not unreasonable to ask but equally he’s not unreasonable to say no, he’s got a point with it not counting as quality time and more a favour for you. If my ex asked me this I’d probably decline too in all honesty saying that I would prefer overnights in the week so I’d see them more but the oldest one clearly don’t want that so no point really.

Do they eat tea before or after the sports? Maybe he could pick them up and take them for tea once a week? Or maybe you could speak to the kids and ask if they happily stay overnight one night a week and then you could split the pick ups.

I’ve asked the older DCs about staying there on the same nights as youngest but they say no (politely). They did to start with but soon stopped.

Perhaps I just wanted something to balance up the lack of financial contribution to their lives. I thought he could contribute in a practical way. (TBH if I thought he really couldn’t contribute financially I wouldn’t ask for extra practical contributions, he could but just doesn’t).

I get more chat out of my son while driving him home from places. It’s where he’ll give me the random tidbits of gossip from his life!

Presumably your ex would prefer some Disney dadding moments instead as he doesn’t actually want to be helpful, he just wants them to like him more.

Dont understand the responses here.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to ask unless he lives hours away or something.

And hang on here, you have the two older children 11 nights out of 14?? And meet all their costs?? and he has loads of capital whilst you work your butt off??
I'm not at all surprised you feel like you're doing the grunt work. Because you are. Yet another shit part-time Disney dad who wants the fun times but not the labour. Plus ça change... chin up, kids will notice eventually and you will get all the respect x

You should be taking responsibility for your children during your contact time. I don't even know what my DS gets up to with his dad and step mum because it's really none of my business. I can't believe you're touting giving them a lift home from their club as being a positive for him